The Script

Episode 51 - "Piledriver"

Cast of Characters (in order of appearance)

SG

Space Ghost (host)

M

Moltar (director)

Z

Zorak (band leader)AKA Blip

GG

Grandpa Ghostal (visiting relative)

SC

Saucer Crab (guest villain)

G

Gozar (tiny hut-person)

RZ

Rob Zombie (guest)

RS

Raven Symone (guest)

MT

Mind Taker (guest villain)

---

(Camera zooms in on barn with "School Dance" sign on front. Inside, Freddy, Daphne, Shaggy and Velma are all dancing to 60's music. Their lines are voiced over as indicated below)

SG:

(as Shaggy) This is a groovy dance floor, isn't it Velma?

M:

(as Velma) Yeah. Why don't you try dancing on it instead of my feet?

Z:

(as Scooby Doo) (taps Shaggy's shoulder) Ray I rut in? (dances with Shaggy)

M:

(as Velma) Well! I've seen a wallflower before, but this is ridiculous!

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Space Ghost. What do you get when you cross a zombie with a raven? A very dead bird.

GG:

(in the wings) Yes sir! Dead as a doornail! That is what ya get, yeah!

Z:

Who's the geezer?

SG:

Also visiting tonight is my granddad, all the way from Boca Raton.

GG:

The Sunshine State, ooooh yeah!

Z:

Sounds like Randy Savage.

SG:

Well, it's not, Zorak, it's my granddad, okay? So you can just shut up about that, Zorak.

GG:

Ooooh yeah, you tell him, Taddy!

Z:

Well, it looks like you with a pasted-on beard.

SG:

It's not, Zorak, okay? Those are real hairs, I can see 'em from here.

GG:

Who's that little runt over there, is that Blip?

SG:

No, Grandpa, that's Zorak.

GG:

How ya doin', Blip? I need to start you out with some chin-ups.

Z:

Stay away from me, old fool.

GG:

Who's that red-headed fellow over there?

SG:

That's Moltar, my director.

GG:

Moltar, from "The Ovens of Moltor." I met your father once in a steel cage match. I wish you could've seen your old man! Weepin' like a woman after my patented piledriver! Yeah, your dad remembers me. Ooooh yeah! (monitor shows text:)
MAN MOUNTAIN MIKE VS THE HANGMAN

M:

But he whupped up on you pretty good in the Texas death match. (Monitor shows text:)
THUNDERBOLT PATTERSON VS KOA

GG:

Huh! 'Cause he snuck up behind me with a foreign object. He shoulda been disqualified!

M:

Hey, if the ref didn't see it, it didn't happen! (monitor shows text:)
CAM 3
ATOMIC KELLY SMASH

TOMMY??? VS SANDMAN

SG:

Hey, break it up, you two. It's time for my first guest.

GG:

Oh, yeah, talk show, go for it.

SG:

(invisos to desk) (clears throat) My first guest tonight...

GG:

I'll be over here if you need me.

SG:

(pause) ... is Rob Zombie, of the band White...

GG:

Won't say a word!

SG:

(pause) ... White Zombie. (monitor lowers with Rob) Welcome, Mr. Zombie!

RZ:

Thank you, Mr. Ghost.

SG:

So, I hear you're a zombie. That must really be something.

RZ:

It's not, there's not a whole lot to being an undead guy.

SG:

I hear you zombies like to eat people.

RZ:

Wake up in the morning, have my Cheerios, you know, go back to bed. You don't get to do much.

GG

Except eat people!

RZ:

It's not true.

SG:

Oh, it's true alright, my grandpa just said so.

RZ:

Look, if I said it wasn't true the first time, it's not true the second time, buddy.

GG:

Hey there, cannibal, that's my grandson you're talkin' to!

Z:

(laughs) You tell him, Pappy!

GG:

Shut it, Blip!

Z:

It's Zorak, you crusty...



(Saucer crab descends and lands on alien planet)

SC:

Gozar of the tiny hut-people, now is the time for your weekly beating.

G:

(comes out of a tiny metallic hut) Is that you, saucer crab?

SC:

(ray gun pops up, blasts Gozar and hut to smithereens) Ha-ha-Ha! Ha-ha-Ha! Ha-ha-Ha! See you next Thursday! (flies off)

(Back in the studio)

RZ:

You followin' me, space boy?

GG:

Who you callin' 'boy'?

RZ:

Yeah, that's right, muscle boy.

GG:

Show him your awesome deltoids, Tadville!

SG:

Like this, Grandpa? (stands up and stretches muscles several times)

GG:

Flex it out more, space man!

RZ:

They inflateable? They look fake.

GG:

Tag out, Taddie, I wanna taste some zombie meat!

SG:

Please, Grandpa, I can handle this myself.

RZ:

You're a sad pathetic man.

Z:

(laughs)

M:

(laughs)

GG:

Tag out! I'll rip his face off!

SG:

Grandpa, please! I can manage this situation in a civil and orderly...

GG:

Talk, talk, talk, is that all you're good for?

SG:

Well, well I...

GG:

Gabbity gab, just like your mother.

SG:

Hey, let's leave Mom...

GG:

What kind of superhero are you? Isn't there a planet out there that needs your help or somethin'?

SG:

Sure, but...

GG:

You got three seconds to get outta here before I break out the atomic elbow, brotha!

SG:

(stares at him)

GG:

One! ...

SG:

(sighs, then flies off)

M:

Okay, Zombie, looks like Grandpa's taken over. (Monitor shows text:)
SAT T4
ONE-LEGGED BOSTON CRAB

RZ:

I'll knock that little freak silly.

GG:

Time to step into the squared circle, son.

RZ:

I'm here, make your move.

GG:

Welcome to Leonard Ghostal's Twilight Zone, yeah!

RZ:

You're dead, nobody wants you anymore, your time's up.

GG:

No, your time's up! (fires his power bands, they make wimpy popping sounds and a few sparks) Dagnabbit!

Z:

You're shooting blanks, Grandpa!

GG:

Shut your pie hole, Blip! Why, twenty years ago I woulda put your head in a half nelson, twisted it around, saying each letter of the alphabet on every turn, and then when I reached the first letter of my true love's name, that would be the lovely Elizabeth, I would yank your head clean off and roll it down the pike like a bowling ball!

Z:

(wide-eyed) Okay.

GG:

Alright, here we go, what're we doin'?

---

GG:

(Monitor shows text:)
CAM 3
ATOMIC KELLY SMASH

9/11/66
TOMMY ???? SANDMAN
followed by
CAM 3
BULLDOG HEADLOCK

9/11/66
MAN MOUNTAIN MIKE VS THE HANGMAN
And that's how I captured the world television title, during "Clash of the Cosmos IV", in front of...(monitor shows text:)
THUNDERBOLT PATTERSON VS KOA

M:

You're on, old-timer.

GG:

Don't crowd me, Ringo.

M:

It's time for the next guest.

GG:

Where is she, is she invisible? (Raven is on the monitor, Grandpa is looking towards Zorak)

Z:

Look at the monitor!

GG:

Whatsit?

M:

Look at the TV, on your right!

GG:

Ooh! Hey there, little girl, what's your name?

RS:

Well, I'm Raven Symone, and I'm ten years old. I was on "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" and "The Cosby Show".

GG:

(shouting) Did you know that you're on the TV?

RS:

Yes! Just like you.

GG:

(shouting) Have you met any famous people on the TV?

Z:

Stop yelling, she can hear you.

RS:

I've met Whitney Houston, I've met Michael Jackson, I've met...

GG:

Have you met Haystack Calhoun? He was a mountain of a man! I sent him home to Mommy with a rollin' DDT! How about Gorgeous George? Keith "Wild Moon" McDaniel? Leaping Lanny? Wildfire Tommy Ritz? They all fell victim to my dreaded! Purple, nurple, cherry belly, oh yeah! (Zorak sips coffee and Moltar reads a book during this monolog)

RS:

(stares back in silence)

GG:

You still with me?

SG:

Well, The Mind Taker, it seems that you have me tied up!

MT:

(blasts Space Ghost in the face with rays from his eyes)

SG:

(grunts and groans) (I don't know, maybe Grandpa was right. I kinda miss this.)

MT:

(stops blasting) (giggles)

SG:

I will not let you defeat me, vile villain!

MT:

(blasts Space Ghost again)

SG:

(grunts and groans) (Oh, what am I thinking? My heart's not really in this. I don't really belong here. Man, how long can he keep this up?)

(Back in the studio)

RS:

Yeah, I can, like, do all sorts of stuff, I can bend my pinky back, and I can...

GG:

Don't you raise a hand to me, missy, I'll put you in a figure four leg lock!

RS:

I haven't done anything bad yet.

Z:

Except for this show! (evil laugh)

GG:

Shut up, Blip, or I'll slam your head so far down between your shoulder blades, you'll have to open that vest to face your own anguuish as I hold a mirror up to your midsection! Yeah!

(Back in The Mind Taker's lair)

MT:

(continues blasting Space Ghost and giggling)

SG:

(Yeah, this is gonna get infected.)

(Back in the studio)

GG:

You ever get the thrill of slingin' one of your little school chums against the mat and watchin' their eyes roll back in their head like they're some kind of little freak?

RS:

No, not really, I try to be, you know, nice to people.

GG:

You don't know what you're missin', little missy! The back breaker, yeah!

(Crowd noise grows in background, while Granpa Ghostal goes on talking)

M:

(wrestling announcer style) What's this? Zorak has picked up a folding chair. Seems to be making his way to deskside. I tell ya, you don't want someone comin' at you with one of those things, you can do some serious damage. I wanna take this time to apologize to the television audience for what they're about to see. (as Moltar talks, monitor shows text:)
RED THE RIPPER VS ???JACK???

Z:

(who has been walking towards the desk with a folding chair) (bashes Grandpa repeatly with the chair)

M:

Ohhhh! Let's not forget that Leonard Ghostal is retired. And that act of violence was very extreme!

GG:

(lying on the floor) (groans)

Z:

Yeah, you had it comin', Ghostal! (hears sound of screeching tires, looks wide-eyed)

M:

Uh oh!

SG:

(invisos to set) Grandpa! What happened?

Z:

Uh, he fell down.

M:

Because of an.. accident. That happened.

Z:

That made him.. fall down.

GG:

Is, is that you, Thaddeus?

SG:

Are you alright?! Talk to me, Grandpa, say something!

GG:

Your pet monkey hit me with a folding chair.

SG:

(aims power bands at Zorak, prepares to fire)

Z:

Hol-hol-hol-hol-hold it... The, uh, the Cosby kid made me do it.

SG:

Be gone, wicked girl child of television's "Hanging with Mr. Cooper"! (zaps Raven off the monitor)

Z:

Good shot! She was askin' for it. It's about time you did somethin' about her. She was trouble.

GG:

(gets up and sneaks toward Zorak while he is talking) Aaaah! (jumps in front of Zorak and hits him with the back of his forearm) Taste the pain, brotha! (he holds Zorak upside down)

Z:

Mommy! That's my bad knee! Mommy!

(Knock knock knock!) (Everybody stops what they are doing)

M:

What can I do for ya?

SC:

Space Ghost, please.

M:

Space Ghost, there's a saucer crab out here to see ya.

SC:

I wish to give him the beating of his life.

SG:

(slinks down behind his desk) Tell him I'm not here.

GG:

What?!

M:

He says he's not here.

SC:

Come outside, sniveling coward. Now is the time for your weekly beating.

GG:

Beating?

SG:

Shh, Grandpa, be quiet, and maybe he'll go away.

GG:

Punk him out, Tadley!

SG:

But he has a death ray!

GG:

Well, if you're not gonna do it, then I will! I'm callin' you out, crab! (flies off)

SG:

(in commanding voice) You go ahead, Grandpa, I'll take care of things here.

GG:

(flying toward saucer crab) I'll show you what you get when you go mano y mano with the Gray Ghost.

(Hatch opens, tractor beam catches Grandpa and draws him upwards)

GG:

What?! Ahh! Ooooh! Usin' a tractor beam on an old man, eh?

SC:

Silence, old man! (door closes)

GG:

It's okay, Les, I think we're out of range.

(Credits roll during remaining dialog)

SC:

Was that too much?

GG:

No, no, no, you were great! Thanks for the rescue, man!

SC:

Don't mention it.

GG:

Who's, uh, next on the beating list?

SC:

Earthling Mary Hart.

GG:

Finally, some Entertainment Tonight! (laughs)

SC:

(laughs)

---

Back to the ZONE! Oh YEAH!

Mail to: iSiNG

GUEST STARS Rob Zombie Raven Symone WRITERS Mark Banker Rich Dahm Alan Laddie EDITORS Bill Wilner Jon Schnepp (inverted) Tom Roche MUSIC Sonny Sharrock Eddie Horst MUSICIANS Sonny Sharrock Lance Carter Eddie Horst Alfrieda Gerald VOICES George Lowe C. Martin Croker Dave Willis and "Macho Man" Randy Savage DESIGN COMPANY Big Deal Cartoons ANIMATION DIRECTOR C. Martin Croker ANIMATORS C. Martin Croker Dave Strandquest Matthew I. Jenkins 3D ANIMATOR Derald Hunt ART DIRECTOR Randall Lane DIGITAL COMPOSITORS Dave Sillman Butch Seibert INK & PAINT Maury Ingram Pat Epstein ON-LINE CONFORM Jay Bellissimo AUDIO CONFORM Mark Coddington EDIT ASSIST Matt Lind RE-RECORDING MIXER Roy Clements PRODUCTION MANAGER Kaili Rubin PRODUCTION COORDINATOR Vishal Roney TALENT COORDINATOR Isabel Gonzalez PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS Gill Austin Gus Jordan Maya McClure Ben Morgan INTERNS James Huffman John Schimansky SPACE GHOST'S FORMER MALE SECRETARY Nathan Cook SPECIAL THANKS WCW Alan Sharp Ron Rose Productions Carolina Pictures Ken Brady Jay Edwards Gordon Solie ORIGINAL SPACE GHOST DESIGN Alex Toth LINE PRODUCER Greg Harrison LINE PRODUCER Jim Fortier PRODUCER Pete Smith PRODUCER Andy Merrill PRODUCER Chip Duffey SUPERVISING PRODUCER Dave Willis EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Keith Crofford GLOVES Michael Lazzo

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51 PILEDRIVER

(sound of folding chair connecting with Grandpa's head)