Chapter 3
February 6, 1999
Dear Diary:
Hi, it's me, Joshua Scott Chasez. I decided to start a diary of my own
after finding out about Justin's. I thought it was a good idea, it gives you
the opportunity to let it all out. I still find it kinda weird... I mean, I
don't know where to start.
Since I have so much catching up to do, I guess I'll start with whatever
comes to my mind. It's been only one week since Justin and I let each other
know how we felt. I feel so happy and fullfilled when I'm by his side. I just
hope he feels the same way, I don't want to go through the same torture I
did the first time...
I think that's how I'm going to start this diary, telling the experience I
had falling in love for the first time. Back in 1991, I got the chance of
my life when I qualified for the Mickey Mouse Club show. I was so excited
about being able to sing and act... and getting paid for doing it, what else
could I ask for?
I met all the guys and girls, and I thought that everyone seemed nice and
friendly. I don't know why, but I inmediatly felt a tingling when I met Tony
Lucca. It was like a spark, and I had never felt something like that
before...
I had had a few girlfriends until then and I had already had sex with two
of them. I remember that the first time I was kind of disappointed, I
thought that it would be something magical and it ended being something rushed and
mechanical. I mean, I liked the girl a lot, but somehow I felt compelled
just to "perform"... I guess she didn't feel too well about it too, because
after that we grew apart and split in less than a month.
The second time was something similar and I started thinking that maybe
something was wrong with me. I heard the other guys in school talking about
the hot sex they had and rude comments about girls. I went with the flow
because I couldn't let the others know what I thought or felt. I tried to talk to
whom I thought was my best friend then and he told me that maybe I was
doing it wrong... or that maybe I was a fag.
I couldn't believe what he said to me. It hurt me like hell because I
trusted him. I feared that he was going to spread the word about it, but he
didn't. I couldn't stop crying that night and in the morning I decided that I
was never going to trust anybody again. He didn't seem to care when I stopped
hanging out with him. About three weeks after that, I received the news that
I've been accepted in the MMC and moved.
Well, I was cautious when I met the guys at the MMC. I couldn't afford to
receive the same treatment as before. I tried to get along with everybody,
after all, we had to spend most of the day together. And Tony was always by
my side, I don't know... he was always telling me how good I danced, that I
had a great voice and stuff like that.
At first I was suspicious, but never thought anything else. Some months
went by and we were great friends, we were always hanging out together, going
to the movies and on weekends we used to play basketball or any other
amusement. At night we would watch TV in my room or his room, eating chips and
shit like that.
He became friendlier every day and well, I enjoyed the attention. He
seemed to like me a lot and when we were together he would hug me and sat close
to me on the couch... I was actually very naive and didn't realize that the
situation was progressing slowly.
When I went to sleep, I had strange dreams. Even though I tried to be a
straight man, buying Playboy and all that crap, I couldn't get myself to fall
in love with a girl. While the show got more popular, the girls were
throwing themselves at us. At certain events, we would pick up some girls and take
them to the movies or something, and made out with them. I would end up in
bed with some of them, but never got to do anything but heavy petting even if
undressed... some got mad and asked what was wrong, I could only tell them
that I didn't want to do anything else because I didn't want to get in any
trouble.
So Tony and I practically excluded all of the others from our activities,
and he began to stay in my room some nights. I had a bunk bed and he would
take the upper bed and I the lower. I remember being curious when he took his
clothes off. He would stay only in his briefs and laid on my bed for a
while just talking. At first I used to wear shorts and a t-shirt, but he
eventually convinced me that I would feel more comfortable if I slept only with my
underwear on.
Now I see it in a different light, and understand how he gradually seduced
me, although I can't blame him or anything. I had a willing participation.
The dreams got clearer, I started dreaming of men and the things I could do
with them. I didn't have any knowledge about the things that can happen
between two men, but I knew that there was something between Tony and me.
I was still afraid, I couldn't ask him directly. I feared that what
happened with my old friend would happen again, and I knew I couldn't stand it.
But there was no need for me to ask... One night we were talking about
everything and anything, and suddenly, he stopped and asked me how did I feel about
him.
I was puzzled, I didn't know what to answer. I asked him what did he mean.
He said that he liked me very much, but he wasn't sure if I liked him the
same. I told him that he was my best friend and that I liked him a lot. He
put his hand on my chest and rubbed my right nipple.
I shuddered and a moan escaped from my lips. I didn't move and that seemed
to be his cue. He ran his fingers over my stomach, playing with my navel. I
couldn't say a word, I was afraid that he'll continue, but afraid that
he'll stop! But of course, he didn't plan to stop... He snuggled close to me and
whispered in my ear, he said in a low husky voice that I was so cute and
that he was falling in love with me.
I couldn't believe what he was saying, never in a million years! But I was
speechless, I couldn't speak. Not even when his hand slipped further below
and rubbed my dick through my briefs. At the same time he approached his
face to mine and searched for my mouth. He brushed his lips over mine, then
used his tongue to lick me. As I tried to open my mouth to protest, he seized
the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth.
I ceased resisting and let him do what he wanted. After some minutes, he
retreated and was about to get off the bed. I finally caught my breath back
and asked him what was he doing. He said that apparently I wasn't interested
in him, since I wasn't kissing him back or doing anything. He told me he
didn't want to force me to do anything I didn't want, so he was going to leave.
I immediately felt this void in my stomach and started to cry. I took his
hand and asked him not to leave. He seemed worried about me and said that he
would do whatever I felt comfortable with. He put his arms around me and
told me that everything will be fine...
We didn't do much that night, he just kept me in his arms and we cuddled
in our sleep. In the morning when I woke up, he was gone. I should've known
better, but I couldn't help it. I began to fall in love with him. At the same
time, I was already feeling guilt for what we did. When I was alone, I
cried, asking to myself why couldn't I be a normal guy and just get a
girlfriend, be happy, have kids, the whole shit.
This went on for a while. After some months, I began to forget my worries
and to enjoy my time with him. We would still go out and then at night he
would sneak into my room. He was always in charge, and I was under his
command. But he never rushed things, we would just kiss and he ran his hands over
my body. When I started loosing my fears, we would undress and jack each
other off.
It felt so good being in bed with him, he kept telling me that we would be
always together and that nothing will ever come between us. And I believed
him.
I was so nervous the first time he went down on me. That day I remember
him with a big grin, telling me that it was time for us to progress in our
relationship. He began kissing my lips and then slowly descended, stopping to
lick my nipples for a while. He lapped at my navel and I relaxed, laughing a
little cause it tickled.
He spread my legs and then proceeded to lick my balls softly. I was
moaning and writhing on the bed, I had never felt anything like that. He licked my
shaft for a while, and well, when he actually took my dick in his mouth, I
almost screamed. I was panting and grasping the sheets with my hands. I came
in no time and he swallowed it. I thought I was kind of gross, and more
when he came up to kiss me afterwards... but after someone has sucked your
dick, how can you refuse to kiss him?
A few weeks after that, I let him take my virginity. It was a sweet
moment, and not for an instant was he rough or anything. Luckily, it was on a
weekend and I didn't have to go to the studio the next day. I couldn't have
danced, it hurt too much. But what hurt me more wasn't physical.
I was dying with guilt and remorse, I felt I could not speak to my parents
or face them. I felt I had betrayed what they taught me. I tried not to let
Tony know how I felt, but I guess he did anyway. After a few times
together, he became distant. He wouldn't stay with me after we had had sex. I felt
used, like the discarded condom he had thrown in the garbage.
Worst, he also started hanging out with other people and just came to my
room at night to fuck. We began to fight and the next day we would have to
appear to the others as the best of friends. One night, I decided it was
finally over and told him so. He said to me that I was so stupid, that I couldn't
appreciate him and that I was bound to be alone if I couldn't handle a
relationship.
I think I cried for more than a week after that. I got to the point where
I could hardly see or do anything. But I had to come back to work and it was
the beginning of a new season. I had to be myself again or else I would
just die. We met the new kids and there was this cute little blond, his smile
lighted up my mood right away. I liked him from the start and knew that we
were going to be best friends someday soon.
The rest, as they say, is history...
Josh
Chapter 4
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