Chapter 4
[Sometime back in 1993]
Dear Diary:
Ooooooh! This week has been the coolest of my life!!! I'm here in Orlando
and new to the cast of the Mickey Mouse Club!!! Isn't that like the most
awesome thing? At least for me.
All the boys and girls are really nice and friendly! That's cool too
because I miss my mom, I have to spend many hours in here and even though she
moved here with me, she can't be with me all the time...
There's this really neat guy called Josh, well, everybody calls him JC but
after I found out that his name is Joshua, I started calling him Josh. The
first time I did that, he kinda looked funny at me, but he just mussed my
hair... He's always playing with my hair, I used to hate these curls, but now
I think they're cool.
There's also this girl called Britney, she's nice and she seems to be
interested in me. I'll have to ask Josh how I should act with her.
Anyway, I think I'm going to have a great time!
Justin
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Dear Diary:
I'm so tired today, we had to shoot for soooo many hours... At least Josh
was there, joking like he always does. He's my best friend now, I don't
think I would be having such fun if it weren't for him. He always has a smile
for me, I didn't think I could be so close to a guy. I've only known him for
six months, but I feel like he's my brother or something. I hope we'll be
this close for the rest of our lives.
Britney told me that we should date... I don't know what to do, I like her
but I don't feel like we should be more than friends. I'm always getting
the others to go with us, but she says we should go out alone. She's a little
crazy, we're still kids and I feel like she wants to marry me... Josh says I
don't have to feel forced to go out with her if I don't want to. He's
always right, so let's see what happens.
Tomorrow I'll tell her I just want to be friends with her.
Justin
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Dear Diary:
I told Britney and she got mad... but she'll forget it soon. Anyway, I
don't think she'll be angry for long, not like I care too much.
Josh was really great today on the show, he sang beautifully. I wish I
could be more like him, I mean, he has the most amazing voice... wait, I'm
sounding like one of the fans! But I really admire that guy.
I got pissed today because Tony was telling Josh today that he has become
my nanny... he should mind his own business! They argued a little, but I
couldn't hear what they were saying. I hope that Josh isn't loosing friends
because of me, I would be really sad to know that.
I need to sleep now, my mother is being obnoxious...
Justin
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[Some months later]
Dear Diary:
Oh, something really strange happened to me last night... I was having
this weird dream and when I woke up my underpants were soiled. I was so
embarrassed because I thought I had peed. But then I realized that it was some
sticky goo. I had heard something like that before, so I had to ask Josh
When I told him, he blushed completely... but he then told me what is it
about. He said to me that it is called ejaculation and that I shouldn't be
embarrassed, but who's gonna explain my mom? I threw those shorts away, but I
can't do that every time, because he also told me that boys my age start
having "wet dreams" and this happens.
I asked him if he knew of a way to stop it, and he told me that there is a
way to not have much of those things. But he said that he wasn't going to
show me now. I begged, but he said that maybe later.
I hope I can get him to tell me soon.
Justin
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Dear Diary:
Oh my gosh! After one month of begging him, Josh finally gave up and he
said he would tell me the secret. But he said that I should go and stay with
him so he could show me.
I had to beg my mother, she didn't want to. She asked me to bring Josh home
instead, but after hours of plead, she said yes.
So here's what happened: We were at his home and he said to me with a very
serious face that what he was going to tell me, should be kept privately,
just between him and me. I agreed and then he got from underneath his bed
some magazines.
I had taken small peeks at them when I was still in a school, but I had
never had one in my hands. I was amazed, I didn't really know that women
looked like that without clothes. Josh laughed when I told him, he said that he
didn't think that I was still so naive.
I felt embarrassed, but well, I was intrigued and kept looking. I started
to get a woody right there! I felt stupid but then Josh told me that it was
very normal and that I was supposed to get what he called a hard-on.
He then made me promise I would never ever tell anyone about this and that
he was going to teach me how to masturbate.
He lowered his zipper and told me to do the same. He took off his pants
and went to sit on the bed. Then he patted the place besides him and I went to
sit there too. He started to show me the magazines and I couldn't keep my
jaw in place. I had never seen that stuff before and after we saw the naked
women, he also showed me a couple of magazines were couples were having sex
or fucking as he said.
After a while my pecker was so hard it was starting to hurt... Josh told
me I should rub it over the briefs I had on. He was doing the same and I kept
staring at the bulge he had...
Some minutes later he said to me that we should do that the proper way, I
was clueless. He took off his briefs and I got to see him naked for the
first time... I was agape. I was kinda curious too, I mean, you don't usually
get to see your friends naked and with an erection... he had much more hair
down there than I do and of course a bigger pecker.
I would have liked to touch it, but of course I couldn't do that. So, he
showed me how he rubbed his pecker slowly... and I started doing it too, I
hadn't felt that before... it's awesome!
But I was doing it too fast. When Josh realized it, he took my hand in his
and he rubbed me slowly. When his fingers touched mine I felt like
something electrical, I don't know why. He did that for just a couple of minutes and
told me to keep that pace.
I felt something that made me shudder and then the white goo came out of
my pecker. I was breathing so hard and felt like I was going to pass out.
He was looking at me and when I turned to look at him, he winked and then
resumed stroking his own pecker. After a couple of minutes he sighed deeply
and the stuff came out of his pecker too.
Later he explained to me that the stuff is called sperm and also cum by
some people. Gee, I hate the fact that mom had me so sheltered. Josh is so
kind, other guys would be laughing at me for being such an ignorant. But he
always is acting like a big brother, I feel so protected around him.
This is ridiculous, but after we got our clothes on again, I hugged him
and thanked him. He blushed and told me that I should never mention this to
anyone and that he will always be by my side whenever I need him. God, I want
to believe that.
Justin
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[Around 1994]
Dear Diary:
I keep having these weird dreams, I'm getting worried... I think that I
might need to see a shrink, but I would be too embarrassed to tell him, I just
don't know how to deal with this.
Last night I was dreaming that Josh and I were playing basketball, then
came into the house to drink some water. Just when we were in the kitchen, I
turned to look at him and he had taken off his shirt. The look of him, half
naked, turned me on... and that was completely strange... then, he approached me
and ran his hands over my arms... when he leaned and his lips were almost
touching mine, I woke up all sweaty and sure enough, my shorts were messed
again.
I've been trying to understand why is this happening to me. I've heard
some people say that it looks like I'm Josh's little girlfriend, those mean
bastards (sorry for that, but they are)... but I haven't thought of him that way,
and I still don't think there's nothing going on between him and me. He
would kill me if he knew I'm having those thoughts about him, at least I think
that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.
What am I going to do?
Justin
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[Months later]
Dear Diary:
I've come to realize that I'm in love with that guy. Joshua Scott Chasez
is the center of my universe. I don't know what I'm going to do! God, please
help me!
I mean, is not that I regret being in love with him, for he's the most
beautiful person on earth. He's the most talented, bright, caring, handsome,
lovable, and anything-else-you-want-to-add man that has ever been born, but...
why? Why did I have to fall in love?
Why do I ask why? Because I know I will never have a chance to fulfill
this urge, this need that burns me inside... Even if I ever had the guts to stand
in front of him and tell him what I feel, he would never consider that
option. He's perfect, why would he want to have something to do with a freak
like me?
I don't know how, but I have to get over with this. Otherwise, I will have
to kill myself.
I have to sleep now, because I haven't done so in a week, people are
starting to notice.
Justin
Chapter 5
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