Parts 15,16
Part 15: Teammates
The guys had spent the night nestled in each other's arms. Xander had been afraid to let go of him even long enough to undress after Graham had recounted the story of his captivity in that Andean village. Xander didn't even want to think about how that experience had messed with Graham's head, but at least he understood now where the soldier-boy game came from.
Xander woke up with a start, panicked. His heart was beating fast, and the first thing he did was to look to make sure that Graham was still there, and not a pile of dust. He was pretty sure that he'd just had his dusting Jesse nightmare again, even though he couldn't remember it clearly. Or maybe the one about the Incan chosen one, Ampata, turning to dust only minutes after she made it clear that she loved Xander. Or both. But Graham was still there, breathing, the first rays of the morning sun hitting him, and not making him burst into flame.
Xander let loose a small sigh of relief, and lay very still, not wanting to wake him up, yet. Just wanting to lie there and hold him, until it was time to go to work. He closed his eyes, a contented smile on his face.
Xander woke up again, and looked at the clock. "Graham, I gotta go." he whispered, gently shaking him awake. Graham raised his head, and looked at Xander.
"Do you gotta go?"
Xander ran his hands through the guy's hair. "No, course not, I can find another job." Xander grinned, "I'm getting really good at the finding another job thing."
"Shit, Xander, don't make me feel worse. Don’t lose your job." Graham got up and sat on the edge of the bed for a moment and then stood up. He turned around, and took hold of Xander's arms and pulled Xander out of bed, and into his arms.
"Are you OK?" Xander was still concerned about the guy. Graham had been zombie-like at the Espresso Pump, then the nightmare that had him screaming in his sleep, and then that story! Xander still shivered when he thought about sacrifices to Sebancaya. Xander was completely freaked about what had happened between Graham and that guerilla leader guy … Xander had no clue what to say or do or even think about it.
He had dreamed himself that night, after hearing Graham's story. part of his own primeval nightmare returning to haunt him. Being marched through the jungle and being made to kneel before a very different guerilla leader. But in Xander's dream, he just stood up and walked away. Graham didn't been given that option.
Graham nodded. "Helluva a lot better than I was before. I'll be fine, I promise."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Graham released him, and gently brushed the hair out of Xander's eyes. and didn't say anything, still looking kind of grim.
"You gotta meet me right after I get off work, OK?"
"OK." Graham nodded. "But I pick the place."
"Sure. Where?"
"Espresso Pump." Graham was serious, dead serious.
"You sure…?"
Graham faced Xander, hands on hips. He looked down at the floor. "Only way I can handle it. Fall of the horse. Get back on the horse."
"Yeah, OK," noded Xander.
Graham started to undress. 'Very unfair,' thought Xander with an evil grin. 'Spend the night with the guy. There for him all the way, and just when I gotta leave, he takes his clothes off.' He grinned, "Should I check out the world beat section at the music store and see if I can find you a tinku greatest hits CD?"
Graham grinned evilly. "That just might work for you, you know."
Xander brightened, "OK, I'll bop by there on my way to the Espresso Pump."
Graham laughed, and reached over and ran his hand across Xander's shoulder, just wanting to touch him, make contact, remember how Xander felt, warm, smooth, masculine and comforting. "Thanks … for being there last night."
"No problem." Xander turned to leave.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?" He turned back to face Graham.
"You're a pretty amazing guy."
Xander looked at Graham and slowly shook his head, "You were there for the being captured by drug lords and handed over to revolutionary guerillas and being tied up and marched up mountains and listening to mountain demons and witnessing really creepy rituals and watching baby llama sacrifices and the whole … tinku thing. Not to mention eating guinea pig … which of all the things you told me is the one I'm sorriest I remember. You went through all that, all by yourself… "All I did was lie there and listen to ya."
"Yeah," nodded Graham, smiling, "like I said, you're an amazing guy."
Xander ran his hand down the man's torso. "And just what does being an amazing guy get me?" Xander regretted the question immediately, because he knew the answer even before Graham spoke.
"Anything you want." Graham said softly, grinning.
Xander chuckled, patted Graham on the stomach, "OK, if I don't leave *right* now, I will definitely be using my new-job hunting skills."
At the door, Xander turned and looked at Graham and heaved a huge sigh of regret, just for effect, then headed out the door.
Graham watched him leave and then got ready for a run. He heaved his own sigh. Mainly one of relief. Also of some disbelief. That was one story he never thought he'd ever tell anyone, ever, and he had the feeling that the nightmares were over, which was a really good feeling. He smiled, and started to stretch in preparation for his run.
-------------------
Graham was sitting in the Espresso Pump, facing the door, cup in front of him, when Xander came in. Graham's whole face lit up when he saw Xander. He watched Xander stroll in, giving Graham a very friendly nod, go over and lean over the counter and make his order, then grab the latte. Graham studied the guy's body as he leaned. He liked that body, the way it moved.. Xand had a kind of grace, a way he walked that was sure and manly, but not in the least swaggering or put-on macho. Damn close to perfect. Xander came over and put his cup on the table and dropped into the chair opposite the commando guy, his back to the door.
"How was work?"
"Extremely work-like. How come I've been on time every day this week? Boss noticed."
"Cause I kick you out at 8:00 am so I can get some sleep."
Xander grinned, "Jerk! Well, they were fresh out of tinku CDs at the music store. Must have been a rush on them lately."
"Yeah the tinku dance craze has really gotten out of hand."
"Yeah, especially since that all-tinku episode of Ally McBeal."
"Yeah, that tinku march out of the bathroom and into the courtroom really made the episode click. Lucky thing the judge was originally from Peru."
Both guys were chuckling at the sheer inanity of the conversation, both of them were loving it. They grinned at each other. Tinku jokes were gonna be their jokes. And Xander was really relieved that Graham could laugh about it.
"You OK?"
"Yeah. Still mildly wigged."
Xander shook his head, " 'still got some minor wiggins', " he corrected. "Gotta get with the hep talk, cool cat."
"OK, daddy-o." Graham looked at him for a sec and just broke into a huge grin.
"What's that for?"
"You. This." Graham spread his hands
"The Espresso Pump?"
"No, moron, being at a place with a guy and just, ya know, talking."
"You've been at a place with guys before. I know, I've seen you."
Graham grinned at him, "Not with the right guy."
"You keep doing that and I'm gonna start falling for ya."
"That's the plan."
"Plan's workin'."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Graham, half slouched back in the chair, gave Xander this half-smile as he nodded solemnly, "Good, cause if you hadn't started to fall for me after the 50th or 60th time we slept together, I was gonna start worrying.
"Might take 70. I don't fall easily."
"I can wait it out." They both just give each other these silly grins.
Xander looks at Graham. "Tell me something."
"Shoot."
"Before tinku-guerilla guy, did you ever…"
"He was my first, I told ya."
"Naw, I mean with, ya know, girls."
"Sure, well yeah. High School, y'know."
"I cannot stress how much I *don't* know."
"Well, I was a starter on the football team all four years, so y'know…"
"OK, very impressed and feeling very inadequate now."
"Never played sports? Cause, y'know I've seen that body."
"Lots of running from vampires and demons. I *was* on the swim team, oh for about 2 weeks, then the rest of the team ate the coach."
"Huh?"
"Coach went a little too heavy on the dna and steroid therapy. Turned the team into really fast swimmers, but kind of on the scale-y and fin-y with the voracious appetite side."
Graham nodded, "Life on the hellmouth."
"Yeah, it's just one crazy party after another."
Graham gave him this big grin and leer.
"What?"
"Just picturing you in speedos."
Xander blushed. Then it hit him. "Hey! You changed the subject!"
"Ya noticed, huh?" A devilish grin. Xander liked that one.
"OK, smart guy. Final answer, please."
"Yeah, sure. The cheerleader thing."
"Well, we actually have that in common. Except for the actual sex part."
"It was just y'know at parties, you'd have a few beers and then everybody'd pair off and y'know…"
"Where *were* these parties when I was in high school?"
Graham chuckled at Xander's joke, then said softly, with a more serious look, "It was just part of the jock thing, attendance compulsory. I'm not real proud of it."
"So, in high school, you knew…"
"That I liked guys?"
Xander nods.
"Yeah. Pretty much always."
"So what you're telling me is that you had more sex with girls in high school as a gay guy than I did as a straight guy?"
Graham grinned. He thought for a second about mentioning that at least straight-boy Xander had gotten some guy action in High School. But he wasn't sure if Xander could take a joke about Jesse, so he let it slide.
Graham asked in a deadpan, "You ready to tell Willow about us?"
"Haven't thought about it, Not yet, if that's OK. Why?"
"Cause she's on her way over."
Willow and Tara had just been walking by. Willow looked in, "Ooh there's Graham," then explaining to Tara, "… friend of Riley's and fellow commando guy."
Tara checked the guy out. He looked like a nice guy, and from his body language, very interested in whoever this guy with his back to her was. Tara grinned evilly to herself and thought 'looks like Graham drives stick.'
"Come on, let's say 'hi!'"
Tara smiled, and nodded. And they entered.
"Hey, Graham!"
"Willow." He grinned at seeing Willow with Tara. Maximally clueless Riley had once suggested fixing up Graham with Buffy's best friend, Willow. In some alternative universe, maybe.
"Hey, Willow!" Xander jumped up and gave her the hug. "And Tara!" And Tara got the hug too. Which was just as well, because it covered her shock at seeing that Xander was the guy she figured Graham was lusting after. Tara had to confess that Xander would not have been high on her list of guys she would have expected to see Graham lusting after. But then, Tara never did get the whole guy thing.
Willow was pleased. Xander had been a little slow to take a shine to her and Tara's coupledom.
"Graham, you know these two loveb… OW!" He looked incredulously at Willow, who was smiling at him innocently as though she just hadn't kicked him in the shin.
"Know Willow." Graham stood and shook Tara's hand. "Graham Miller. You gotta be Tara."
She nodded.
"Xander's talked about you. All nice things, promise."
Tara smiled. And wondered whether Xander knew he was the object of someone's affection. Although, by Xander's smile and general good mood, she suspected maybe that mutual feelings were being exchanged between the boys. Tara grinned.
She looked Graham over. Their eyes met. Graham smiled a little sheepishly, a bit embarrassed, as he sat back down again. Wondering if this women-loving woman had that gaydar thing going on.
Willow sat next to Xander. "Haven't seen you around much for the last week or so."
"Yeah, well." Xander shrugged. "Ya know, job number 18."
Tara noticed how Graham kept glancing at Xander when he thought no one was looking. Tara watched untill she caught Graham doing it. He met her gaze and tried hard not to blush. Tara nodded once, slightly, eyebrows raised, a wry smile on her lips. She was pretty sure that she had Graham pegged correctly as playing for her team.
'Busted!' Graham thought to himself, smiling sheepishly. And for the first time in his life, he didn't mind that someone might have caught on that he was into the men. He didn't mind at all.
Graham still smiling sheepishly, nodded back once, equally slightly, answering her unspoken question in the affirmative, confirming her suspicion. His eyes twinkled mischievously. So the girls *do* have the gaydar thing going on.
Tara beamed at him. She pointed her chin at Willow, and raised a questioning eyebrow. Graham shook his head quickly. "Not yet," he mouthed. Tara nodded, understanding completely. It was Graham and maybe, just maybe, Xander's place to tell Willow, not hers. Tara looked at Graham and gave the new teammate a welcoming smile.
Graham stood up. "Coffee, ladies?"
"Yes, mochas please." Willow said brightly, and Tara nodded, still grinning at him.
Tara then turned and smiled at Xander, putting her elbows on the table and leaning in, "So, tell us all about job number 18."
*****
Part 16: Nowhere Else
After coffee with Willow and Tara, Graham and Xander headed back to Lowell House. On the way there, the conversation had been light, mainly Xander talking about his adventures being a non-jock in high school, and doing his best to crack Graham up.
But the lighthearted atmosphere changed as soon as Graham shut the door to his room. He looked at Xander, who instead of being right there on top of him, was sitting on the chair by the desk. Xander raised his eyes to meet Graham's questioning gaze briefly, biting his lip just a bit, before lowering then to the floor again. Graham took a seat on the bed, facing him, trying to figure out what was up.
It hit Graham suddenly. Fuck, he had been so wrapped up in himself and his own nightmare that he had forgotten what Xander had said last night about his first boyfriend. What was his name…? Jesse! How Jesse had gotten vamped, and Xander said he had to stake him. That had to mess with your mind in a major way. "Is this about your … about Jesse?"
A shadow briefly crossed Xander's face. He slowly shook his head, managing a smile, a bit forced, but still a smile, "No, that's ancient history."
"Ya sure?"
Xander nodded slowly, "Yeah."
Graham wasn't sure what was going on. He must have freaked Xander out more than he had let on with the story he told last night. Maybe he shouldn't have told him. He looked down at the same patch of floor that was holding Xander's attention. "Look, Xand, if, y'know, after hearing about how I acted with the guerilla guy, I'd totally understand if you didn't wanna, cause ya think I'm gonna freak out on you again …"
Xander looked at him shocked, "No! Jesus, Graham! Nothing like that. I'm just afraid …" His voice trailed off.
Graham smiled a little, "That you're pushing me too hard? Cause I'm pretty tough."
"I'd noticed." An attempt at a joke that got nowhere. A beat passed. "No, not exactly …"
Graham looked up at Xander, and saw the look of concern and … guilt in his face. Something clicked. Graham's shoulders sagged. "You don't think you're doin' to me what guerilla guy did to me, do you?"
Xander didn't respond. His eyes met Graham's gaze, then he quickly looked down, not wanting Graham to see how close to tears he was. Graham reached over and ran two fingers across Xander's cheek, slowly, gently.
Graham shook his head. "Never. Not even close. I wasn't ready for what he did to me … Look, he basically raped me, Xander. It hurt like hell. It scared the shit outta me. And the fact that part of me wanted him to do it just made me feel like maybe I deserved being treated like that. You're not doin' that, not even close."
"Yeah, but the whole soldier boy thing."
Graham stood up and pulled Xander to his feet and hugged him. Holding Xander's head against his shoulder, and resting his cheek against the top of Xander's head, he whispered, "I don't know, Xand. I don't know. Maybe it's because of guerilla guy, or maybe it's because I had the biggest crush on my drill instructor in boot camp…"
"What?"
Graham could hear Xander smile. He ran his hand up and down Xander's back. "Oh, yeah. I used to fantasize all the time about him just ordering me to, uh, do stuff." Graham was glad Xander couldn't see how pink his face was turning as he talked about the crush.
Xander chuckled.
Graham broke the hug and held Xander at arm's length and looked at him. Then he made a fist and struck Xander very lightly on the chest. "I love it when we play soldier. It's fun, isn't it?"
Xander nodded energetically. "Yeah, it's fun." He looked seriously at Graham and said, "But, not tonight, OK?"
"Whatever you want," Graham whispered, and ran a hand along Xander's shoulder and down his arm, then smiled, "So long as we can play sometimes."
Xander smiled, only a little bit embarrassed and nodded, "You bet." Then Xander brightened. "Whatever I want?"
Graham nodded, raising an eyebrow for emphasis.
"Come on."
"Where we going?"
"For a walk."
"A walk?"
"Yeah, we're gonna go get ice cream."
"Ice cream?" Graham asked, surprised.
"Yeah, I suddenly got this image of you eating an ice cream cone and getting this little bit of it on your nose, and I just have to lick it off."
Graham stared at him for a second as a smile just grew on his face. "You keep doin' that and I'm gonna fall for you."
"That's the plan." Xander gave him his best naughty smile.
They headed out and across campus, walking side by side, and wound up getting into a fierce mock argument about which Patsy Cline song was her best, and then which of the Back Street Boys Graham thought was cutest.
"Brian!" exclaimed Xander with mock disgust, "Not sure I wanna be seen with you."
Graham just grinned and shrugged and repeated firmly, "Brian. He's a hottie."
Both agreed that punk-ska was probably not the musical wave of the future.
Xander tried to teach him how to play 'anywhere but here'. He explained the game to him, "You gotta say where you'd rather be right now, and who you'd want to be there with you, like, uh, Amy Yip at the water park."
"Amy Yip?" Graham looked at Xander askance with a mock scowl.
Xander grinned as he realized his mistake. "OK, scratch Amy Yip: Keanu Reeve at the water park. Your turn."
Graham grinned and shook his head. He looked over at Xander and said "Nowhere else."
After a moment of silence, Xander replied with mock pouting, "You're no fun, I play your games but you never wanna play *my* games."
Graham looked at him as they walked down the busy main street of Sunnydale. He gave Xander a friendly play punch to the shoulder instead of the hug he really wanted to give him. Xander flashed him a knowing grin that told him that he understood.
In the fancy ice cream place, Graham just grinned as Xander insisted on tasting six different flavours before ordering rocky road. As Xander took the first lick, Graham looked at him, "I'm gonna bet you always sample as many as you can get away with and then order the same thing."
Xander grinned, busted. He nodded.
Graham shook his head, and ordered "Single cone, vanilla, please."
"Vanilla? All these flavours and you go for vanilla?"
Graham shrugged his shoulders, "I *like* vanilla."
"Couldn’t prove it by me."
They walked back across campus, Graham letting Xander lead the way. He led them into a reasonably secluded grove of trees, where Graham leaned against a tree and managed to get a bit of ice cream on his nose. And Xander just had to lick it off.
"Suddenly, I'm understanding the attraction of vanilla."
The ice cream cones fell to the ground, and lay there melting, as Xander held his shoulders tightly as he pressed his mouth against Graham's, almost pinning him to the tree. Graham had to lean down slightly to accept the kiss, to let Xander's tongue invade his mouth. Graham's palms moved slowly across his back, up and down his back, and eventually his right hand moved down to Xander's ass, gently caressing it.
Graham was surprised a bit by how right this felt, how much he just wanted Xander to want him, how much he loved just having his shoulders held. Graham twisted his head slowly, turning it almost sideways as his tongue counter-attacked, moving in, wrestling with Xander's, fighting for the high ground, wanting desperately to get defeated. He ran his tongue along his teeth, as he felt his quickened hot breath against his cheek.
Graham moved his hands upwards until he was caressing Xander's upper back, running his hands along his shoulders, feeling the tension in them as Xander continued to hold him against the tree. Graham knew he could break the hold if he wanted to. But he didn't want to, although he did need to come up for air. He moved his head slightly back.
As they broke the kiss, their eyes met, and their smiles simultaneously grew into wide grins, each recognizing in the other's face the same almost maniacal happiness. Then Graham cupped his hand behind Xander's neck and pulled his mouth back into his.
Graham tried to relay to him that he could do anything, that Graham just wanted him, that his eagerness knew no bounds. Xander seemed to be getting the message. Graham was having to really fight the urge just to kneel down right then and there. But he had promised himself that he was gonna let Xander lead here. One slight push on his shoulders and he would kneel. But Xander would have to push, and Xander seemed satisfied just to hold him and kiss him.
And it was unbelievably sexy in a way Graham had never felt before. This kiss wasn't a mere prelude to the 'real stuff', it wasn't a pretense at foreplay before the blowjob, or some pretend intimacy that somehow gave him permission to have sex with a stranger. The kiss was an end to itself. And Graham knew, for the first time in his life, he *knew* that he could be in love with a guy. Not just want sex with him, but really be in love with him.
When they broke again, Graham just kind of stared at Xander, hand resting on the back of Xander's neck, an almost goofy grin on his face. "Wow!"
"Wow?" Xander asked, clearly pleased. He had never gotten a 'wow' before.
With his hand still on the back of Xander's neck, Graham looked Xander straight in the eye, and whispered earnestly, "That was a first for me."
"I thought you always got vanilla?"
Graham playfully tousled Xander's hair, "First time I ever just kissed somebody, moron."
"We've kissed before. A lot. I've got the whisker burn to prove it."
"Yeah but we never *just* kissed."
Xander grinned and nodded that he had a point. "You mean you really *never* just kissed somebody?"
"Well, do girls count?"
"Not for you."
Graham chuckled and shook his head "Then, no."
"So, what'd ya think?" asked Xander, hands in his pockets, shoulders slightly hunched over, looking up at him. Half way between really insecure and fishing for a compliment.
"Wow!" he repeated in a stage whisper, grinning from ear to ear.
"I'm up for more."
But just then a posse of students came through on their way across campus. The two guys nodded at each other and headed back. Graham let his arm rest on Xander's shoulder for just a second before letting it fall down, brushing Xander's back on its way back to his side, back to the illusion of two buddies just walking across campus.
Without a word they headed slowly back to Graham's place. Both guys were yawning, and both were slightly embarrassed by it, even though neither one had gotten much sleep the night before.
When they got to Graham's room, they stripped to their boxers and got into bed, laying side by side, and Xander moved in and kissed him again.
When they broke, Graham pulled back slightly, brushed the hair out of Xander's eyes, and looked into slightly troubled eyes. "Come on, tough guy."
"Huh?"
"Ya never talk about being with Jesse. Was it nice? Was it fun?"
"Yeah. Yeah. All that."
Xander wasn't smiling. Not much of an expression at all. "But … ?"
"I think it was just playing around for him."
"He ever say that?"
"No, never talked about it."
"He didn't or you didn't?"
"Neither of us."
"But you two hung around together at school? Being buds?"
"Sure, best buds."
"Then it wasn't." Graham said definitely.
"How ya mean?"
Graham shrugged. "If you're just getting your rocks off, ya don't do it with your best friend."
He ran his fingers along Xander's lips. "Did ya ever kiss him?"
"No, not really."
"Too bad."
"Yeah."
Graham looked at him, and smiled wistfully. "Damn! I really wish I'd known someone in High School like Jesse ... or like you."
"It's not like we ever really …"
"Yeah, but at least ya weren't goin' through it all alone…"
"Yeah, I guess. It still felt pretty alone most of the time."
"But not *all* the time?"
"No, not all the time," Xander admitted.
"Yeah, I envy you that."
Xander looked him in his eyes to see if he was kidding. He wasn't. Graham looked back into those brown eyes. "Ya miss him, don’t ya?"
There was a silence, as Xander's eyes flickered, examining Graham's face very carefully. Then, a whisper, "Yeah. Is that OK?"
"Fuck, yeah. I wish I'd known him."
A lingering silence fell over the room … Graham was really worried that he'd just opened up an old wound. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Xander, even slightly.
"Graham?" softly, a touch of sadness in his voice.
"Yeah?" equally softly, ready to give him whatever he needed, anything he wanted, anything.
"Hold me, OK?"
Graham felt a huge relief and said silently 'Oh, fuck yes!, thank you!'
And Graham held him.
Parts 17,18,19
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