Parts 4,5,6,7
Part 4: Graham Takes On
OK, Miller, Graham said to himself, just what are you doing?. What makes you think this guy is even interested. Graham had to admit that when he came out to Xander, he was hoping that Xander was going to return the favor, and come out to him as well. Well, THAT didn't happen. Although, Xander seemed pretty cool about it. Cooler than he would have expected from a straight guy, but Graham didn't exactly have experience actually coming out to people. At least he hadn't run screaming from the bar. Or tried to punch Graham out, like a lot of Initiative guys might have done. That was a good sign.
But Xander definitely lived in a different world than the football jock and macho military worlds he came from. Jesus!, The guy had a lesbian best friend! … and Buffy used to have a vampire boyfriend (at least that's what Riley had told him), and it turned out that Xander had been instrumental in helping that football player come out. Graham had to admit, that last bit gave him hope -- even if that hope was damn faint.
The worlds he *came* from. Not 'comes from'. Those worlds were in the past now. Now, he was out of the military, out of the Initiative, and after tonight, just plain out.
Graham Miller, out gay guy. Graham had to smile. That was never an identity he thought he would take on. OK, so he was really only out to one guy. One really cute guy. And, so far as Graham could tell, a pretty nice guy. A nice guy, now *that* would be a change.
In his furtive sex-in-the-alley days (OK, those days had ended only a couple of weeks ago), Graham had always gone for the tough guys. The guys who would shove him to his knees and made him suck as they verbally abused him, and sometimes did more than verbally abuse him. And they wanted him. He could see it in their eyes. Especially when he pulled his shirt off. He had the body they wanted. But Graham was tired of it. OK, not the sex part. That was hot. Real hot. It was the after part. When the guy just zipped up and walked away, maybe pausing long enough to spit on him or hurl one more insult at him, but usually leaving Graham with a serious chub, kneeling on the ground, or lying on his back. Leaving him to bring himself off by himself.
Sure, Graham had been on the other side more than once. Letting some eager guy go crazy over his body, sucking him off, while Graham played Mr. Joe stud jock, you can touch me but I ain't touchin you, faggot. That could be hot, too. But the after part could be just as much of a downer. Often as not, if he tried to reciprocate, it would wreck his partner's rough trade fantasy, and the guy would stalk off, pissed off. Occasionally, they'd get into it. And that would be nice. But Graham had enough trouble getting a whole sentence out, which made conversation and small talk difficult. So he basically never tried, and consequently, never really got to know the guy. Besides, it wasn't like he could bring the guy back to the barracks or later to Lowell House, home to the Initiative, or even be seen having a cup of coffee with him.
And that, more than anything else, was what Graham wanted. Some guy he could talk to. Who made him laugh. Who liked him -- yeah and thought he was hot -- and who he could go to bed with, and wake up with. Graham had always thought that that would be a nice feeling. It wouldn't hurt if the guy was cute, with a nice swimmer's build, eyes you could drown in, eyes that told you that he would never hurt you. Graham stopped. Shit! I am seriously falling for this guy!
Graham thought back to the times he had run into Xander before: At the Lowell house party when he was just the cute guy who had dashed in and swept Buffy away from Riley. He remembered thinking that Xander could definitely give Riley some competition, depending on whether Buffy went for big jock macho guy, or hot cute soulful guy.
Graham later saw Xander was in the initiative. Xander and Buffy were -- as it turned out -- helping Riley. It was a crazy time. The professor had just been killed. Graham and Forrest had burst into the lab, and the first thing Graham had seen was Riley lying there, seriously wounded. Okay, not true. The first thing he had seen was this cute guy in uniform lying against the wall, telling him where the demon had escaped to. Graham remembered thinking 'I don't remember ever seeing *him* here before', and Graham definitely would have remembered that guy. It wasn't until Xander got up & got Buffy away from Riley… and a trigger-happy Forrest… that it dawned on Graham who the cute soldier was: the same guy who had snagged Buffy from Riley at the party. Graham was in a state of high confusion: the professor dead, Riley wounded, Forrest going ape-shit, Buffy talking about a half-man half-demon. Nothing made sense just then.
But that image of Xander in uniform was burned into his mind's eye.
But the kicker was the night of the party at Lowell House when everything went nuts. All Graham remembered was standing around having a beer, and then catching sight of Xander Harris, doing the party prowl, beer in hand, looking awfully good in this black leather vest. There was some heavy magick going on that night, and when Graham took another look at him, he knew that he wanted him. Every fiber in his body wanted him. Wanted to get his hands, and mouth, on the guy's thing, suck the guy until he had driven him into a state of complete ecstasy. He just stared at Xander, not able to move, his mind completely taken over with thoughts of touching Xander's thing.
Then, like a searing bolt of lightning burning into his brain came this accusing voice, "touch not the impure thing". And Graham had shut down, completely panicked, overcome by an overwhelming, supernatural sense of guilt. He couldn't remember anything else. All he knew is what Forrest had told him later after he had recovered down below in the Initiative. That he had come over all catatonic, guilt-ridden and bible-thumping, meanwhile Xander and his pal went out and saved Riley's life. And Graham could never tell his initiative buddies just what had triggered those guilt feelings. Or about why he had so much trouble falling asleep most nights.
Xander's heroics were definitely part of the attraction, too. Xander breaking into the initiative to help Riley, braving the ghosts to save Riley and Buffy, and attacking and defeating (with his buds) the killer demon the professor had created. Graham had always thought of himself as action guy (at his best moments anyway): he had the skills, he had the training, he had the weapons. This Xander just jumped in and did the job. You had to admire that. Really admire that.
And that dream! What the fuck was that all about? Graham had dreamed of Xander the night after the big battle with Adam. Weirdest dream he had ever had… What did Xander say? "Conformador", "Confrontador"? Something like that. That Spanish must be some sort of weird flashback to that mission in Colombia, before he 'volunteered' for the Initiative.
As he reached his room, He took off his clothes and lay face up in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He reached over and put on the cd-clock radio. The unbelievably sweet, unbelievably sad voice of Patsy Cline came from the CD. Graham, who had played that same CD hundreds of times -- to Riley and Forrest's unrelenting kidding -- softly sang along to the old country lament:
well, I never knew
I could want you oh so much
now that you're gone
I dream of you and your sweet touch
I've been so wrong
for so long
but I've seen the light
I'll make it right
I was wrong.
With a violent move, he reached over and shut off the player. Graham made a decision. He was gonna let him know how he felt. He was gonna give him a chance to say yes or no. If he said no, Graham would be no worse off. And if he said 'yes'? He grinned. Graham thought about him. He thought about that night of the sexual craziness at the Lowell House party and how turned on he had been that night. And then, as a mental image of Xander in uniform popped up, so did something else. Graham took the situation firmly in hand.
And for the first time in years, Graham fantasized not about doing it with some tough guy who would do rough trade with him, but about making love with a really cute guy with a great sense of humor who he actually liked, and admired.
A few minutes later, a slightly wet Graham drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face for the first time in years.
-----------------------------
Authors extra:
Fun with Spanish. because the textbooks never give you the phrases you really need.
Buffy es la cazavampiros. Buffy is the vampire slayer.
Buffy y Riley se han jodido toda la noche de la fiesta de la casa Lowell. Buffy and Riley fucked the whole night of the Lowell House party.
Cochino gringuito, ¿que puñetes haces en mi pais? American pig, what the fuck are you doing in my country?
Si quieres mi pinga, tendrias que pedirmela como un buen soldadito. If you want my cock, you'll have to ask me for it like a good little soldier.
[hmm, might there be a hint to Graham's past in this Spanish lesson?]
*****
Part 5: Hurling Disk
Xander is walking over to see Willow. He's basically bored and figures that if he just shows up at Willow and Tara's dorm room, and Will's not there, at least he's gotten a walk out of it. On an impulse, he makes a slight detour. He decides to swing past Lowell house, now sitting atop major amounts of concrete. He cuts across the quad facing Lowell House and sees a bunch of guys playing. Graham is there with some fratboy types tossing the disc, all of 'em shirtless, enjoying the summer sun. Xander stops for a sec to watch.
Damn, but Graham is well built! Xander looks at the barechested hunk standing there in the sun. If he thought Angel was buff, then he had to come up for another word for Graham: hyper-buff guy, maybe, or Adonis guy, or built-like-a-brick-shit-house guy. Xander looks at him and figures that Graham could probably get pretty much anybody he wanted: straight girl or gay guy. The guy can't be hurting for action.
Graham sees him and shouts "Harris! Heads up!", and hurls the disk at him.
Xander manages to catch the Frisbee, and tosses it back to Graham. Who catches it and grins at him, and then tosses the disk to one of the frat guys. Graham jogs over to Xander and shakes his hand.
"How ya doing, Harris?"
"Good. You?"
"Good. What ya up to?"
"Heading over to see Willow, do some extremely important hanging out."
Graham nods and looks around to see they are out of earshot of the other players. He flashes Xander a brief but genuinely worried look.
"Harris, I gotta ask: did I freak ya the other night?"
Xander shakes his head and grins a bit sheepishly, "No, not really. When Larry the football player came out to me, that gave me the complete wiggens, but when Willow came out, that only surprised me… I guess I'm sort of getting used to it."
"Yeah," Graham grins, "We're everywhere."
"So it seems." Xander grins back.
"So we're cool?"
"Totally cool." Xander assured him.
"Good! Cause you're a pretty cool guy, besides being saved-my-ass guy."
Graham winks at Xander and turns to catch the disk & hurl it back underhanded.
What was going on here! Xander wonders. Was that a wink? Xander bit the bullet. He says in a low voice, barely above a whisper, "Graham, Are you *flirting* with me?"
Graham doesn't look at him. There's a second's pause, then, "Yeah. Guess I am. You mind?" Graham flashes Xander another worried look and returns his attention to catching the Frisbee.
"Uh, I guess not -- kind of complemented, actually." Xander looks at Graham as he catches and tosses the Frisbee again. "Uh, Graham?"
"Yeah?" Graham watches for and catches the disk and hurls it back.
"Why?"
Another catch and toss
"Why what, Harris?"
"Why are you flirting with me?"
Graham throws him a significant glance. Then returns his gaze to Frisbee throwing. "Guess I go for the hero action guy type."
Graham throws Xander another glance, this time with a sly grin.
Xander tries to mumble something. He is working hard not to blush.
Graham continues, "Especially one who looks hot in uniform."
Xander blushes.
Graham stops. He looks at Xander, wondering if he's gone too far.
"Still cool?"
"Still cool…. " Xander nods. He has to grin, "Hot, huh?".
Graham looks at him and nods. "*Definitely* hot," he repeats with emphasis, and a slaightly embarrassed smile. Graham returns to the game, afraid that if he stays, he'll say something else, that he'll say too much. He's already said more than he thought he would, or could.
Xander, with a sort of a silly pleased smile on his face, repeats 'Hot, yeah, I'm hot! I'm hot guy!' to himself and starts to head towards Willow and Tara's.
Graham sees him walking off. Damn! Don't let him get away, idiot! He calls out, "Harris!"
Xander stops and Graham runs over to him. Runs over to him with the grace of a jungle cat, sunlight gleaming off his sweat-covered chest.
"Hey, Harris. Buy you another beer some time?"
"Sure, give me a call." Xander hesitates, "Uh, just one thing though."
Shit, here it comes, thinks Graham, the one thing that he dreads the most, more than 'let's not', more than 'fuck off', more than 'back off, faggot':
The 'let's be friends' speech.
"Yeah?" He says, wearing a well-practiced stone-face, expecting the worst.
Xander gives him a serious look. "Call me 'Xander', OK?"
Graham gives him the big smile, "You got it, Xander." He nods at him, and runs back to the game. Xander watches as Graham runs for the Frisbee and jumps three feet in the air to catch it. He tosses it back to a fellow player before he hits the ground. He jumps up and runs for another toss.
Thing of beauty, that guy. Xander smiles and turns and heads towards Willow and Tara's. He likes this guy even more: laughs at all his jokes, keeps buying him beer, *and* tells him he's a hot guy.
*****
Part 6: Moments of Truth
Graham is sitting in his room at Lowell House. He looks at the scrap of paper torn from a page of one of Buffy's notebooks. D in Covert Ops guy dropping by Buffy's room and copying the number from the list posted next to the phone. He's memorized the number long ago. But he keeps checking. OK, he's flirted with Xander, and Xander seems not to mind, but that's not the same as him being ready or willing or able to get together with another guy. Or, more to the point, get together with him. OK. I'm gonna call. And if he says 'yes' then I'm gonna put it on the line. Find out if I have a shot. He picks up the phone and dials.
Xander is sitting in the basement when the phone rings upstairs, and he gets a shout from his mom "Alexander, it's for you."
Xander bounds up the stairs two at a time -- whoever it is, it's got to be better than spending yet another late evening watching the cartoon channel.
Xander picks up the phone: "'lo"
"Hey."
"Hey, Graham, what's up?" Guy said he'd call. He called.
"Beer?" Laconic ex-commando guy at work.
"Yeah, sure, why not. Meet ya at The Pub?"
"Great."
When Xander arrives at The Pub, Graham is already there, in jeans and a T-shirt, muscles very evident. He's at the same booth, pitcher and two glasses in front of him. Xander sits and Graham pours him a glass.
Graham smiles at him, suppressing a laugh.
"What?" Xander demands.
"'Alexander'?" Graham says imitating Xander's mom's voice.
"Hey! Only my mother calls me that. Besides, what kind of name is Graham anyway? Sounds like a metric weight."
Graham grins, "Touché" They clink glasses.
"So", Xander says taking a swig, "What are you doing now that you have joined the ranks of the teeming unemployed? Being slacker guy?"
"Still enrolled at the university."
"How ya gonna swing the tuition and all?"
"GI bill."
"So you're ex-commando grad student guy."
Graham grins and nods. "You?"
"Sort of job-of-the-week, living-in-my parents- basement guy."
"Slacker guy?"
"Well, yeah."
Graham sees that Xander definitely wants to change the subject. "Wanna hear something weird?"
"Sure. I'm always up for wierd."
"Night after the big battle, I had this dream."
Xander's head snapped up. "What kind of dream?"
"Bunch of us Initiative types standing around, waiting for you to … take a leak. Weird, huh?" Graham had almost said: 'Waiting for you to pull your thing out of your pants." But he had caught himself just in time.
"Yeah, weird." Xander was a bit freaked. How much of his dream, their dream, had this guy seen? He asked carefully "Anything else happen?"
Graham shook his head, "Basically, you noticed us and left. But you did say something.
"What?"
"You looked at me and said you were a 'conformador' or something Spanish like that.
"'comfortador'?" Xander suggested.
"Yeah! How'd you…?" Graham was genuinely puzzled. But inwardly, he smiled: 'comfortador', he liked the sound of that word.
"I'm a good guesser…. Tell me, was there a guy with cheese slices in your dream?" Xander still didn't have that one figured out.
Graham looks at Xander like he's only slightly demented and shakes his head. He raises an eyebrow and repeats "*Cheese slices*?"
Xander shrugs it off with a laugh "Never mind." Graham found himself laughing along with Xander. Guy had a peculiar sense of humor, but he definitely had a sense of humor.
Xander looks at him, liking his laugh. Why does looking at Graham make him think about having sex? Ok, ok, looking at *linoleum* makes him think about having sex. But when he looks at linoleum, he doesn't think about having sex with the linoleum; whereas when he looks at Graham, he does think about having sex with Gr…. Xander gulps. OK, he did *not* just think that. Not that he's got a problem with the whole gay thing.
Xander looks around the pub. He decides to show how much he does not have a problem with the whole gay thing. He nods to his left. "Hot guy, 5 o'clock."
Graham slowly turns his head as he takes a drink of beer. He nods. "Good eye," Graham says to Xander approvingly, still looking at the hot guy. Graham also notes with approval that Xander made the translation from his point of view to Graham's in giving him the o'clock in the heads up. He's not sure why that pleases him, but it does.
"So you on the prowl tonight, G-man?"
Moment of truth. Not gonna lie any more. Not gonna hide it any more. Lay it on the line. Take Xander's response like a man. Graham returns his gaze to Xander. "Only guy I want is sitting at this table."
Xander picks up his glass and drains his beer. He puts the empty glass down. He looks up at the commando guy, meeting his gaze. Graham's eyes are boring into him. Xander sees the vulnerability in them. Shit!, this big macho guy is scared. Maybe almost as scared as he is. Xander realizes suddenly that he can't lie to this guy, or blow him off with a jokey comment, not now.
Xander swallows hard. Then he looks down at his empty glass, studying it with intensity. Xander says, in a voice just above a whisper, "It wouldn't be my first time with another guy."
There is a full minute of silence as Graham figures out the implications of that statement.
Very deliberately, so there is no misunderstanding, Graham asks, hoping against hope, "Is that a 'yes'?"
Xander hesitates, thinking about it, and then says with as much surprise as he feels, "Yeah…I guess it is." He slowly raises his head and looks at Graham. Xander's face betrays the surprise he feels about what he has just said.
Graham grins, 'Yeah?" Was that his optimistic ear hearing that?
Xander nods, "Yeah." He gives Graham a slight smile, one that grows into a grin mimicking the growth in Graham's smile.
Graham takes a deep breath, and slowly lets it out. He practically jumps out of his seat. Standing at the table, he chugs the rest of his glass of beer. He puts the glass down with a bang. "Let's go."
*****
Part 7: Just a Guy
Xander's not exactly certain why he is standing in Graham's room at 1 am. Okay, he *is* pretty sure, just not sure he can deal with it. Not like he's had a lot of experience with this. Or any. Graham looks at him with those dark eyes. Graham runs both hands along Xander's shoulders, then Xander's chest.
Xander tentatively reaches across and palms Graham's chest through his shirt. Dude is seriously buff! Xander touches the muscle in his upper arms.
"Damn!" Xander whispers, pretty much in awe of those muscles
Graham reacts like Xander's touch was electric. There's a very low, barely audible moan.
Graham slowly moves his head towards Xander's, giving him time to back off if he wants.
Xander doesn't.
Graham gently kisses Xander, who hesitates before kissing him back. The two men press their bodies together as they kiss. Xander holds Graham's upper back as Graham slowly works his hands under Xander's T-shirt and feels his back, caresses his back.
Graham presses his pelvis against Xander's thigh. Xander can feel Graham's hard-on straining against the denim of his jeans, making him suddenly aware of how hard he is himself.
Graham breaks the clinch. He runs his fingertips along Xander's jawline. He looks straight into Xander's eyes, seeing if he's alright. He shifts his weight. He tightens his grip on his waist. He moves in to kiss him again.
"OK. Hold on a second." Xander says, in a voice louder than he meant.
Graham lets his hands fall to his sides, and lets Xander take half a step back. Give the guy all the space he needs. All the time he needs. "Yeah, Xander?"
"Ok, maybe this is gonna sound weird and all, but I gotta ask."
Graham holds up his hands up in front of his chest in a 'stop' gesture and says, "I won't even *try* to do anything you don't want me to, Xander."
"It's not that -- but hey, thanks," Xander smiles at him, genuinely touched, and, truth be told, relieved, "-- It's just that I have this certain history, so you gotta tell me the truth."
Graham raises 3 fingers, "Scouts honor", he says solemnly. Xander looks at Graham: This guy probably *was* a boy scout.
"Ok, are you a mummy come to life or a demon or an ex-demon or a insect in disguise or chip-implanted cyborg or a robot or…?"
Graham laughs. "Hey, *you* were hyena guy! Cause I've kinda got issues with canine-type HSTs."
Xander grins, "I told you, I got better." Embarrassed now, Xander looks at the floor, "Come on. Seriously. Are you? Any of the above?" Xander looks back up.
Graham looks straight into Xander's eyes, "I'm just a guy."
"Ya sure?"
"Totally sure." Graham says with a voice that could melt butter.
"Well ok then." Xander nods slowly as he lowers his eyes and stares at Graham's damned impressive chest and arms, his heart racing.
"*You* sure?" Graham asks gently, "'bout this?" He resists the urge to touch Xander until he answers.
"Yeah" Xander says softly but emphatically, with a slight nod, as he reaches over and runs his hand over Graham's left bicep. He stares at that bicep.
Graham reaches over with both hands. He strokes Xander's torso, and slowly pulls Xander's T-shirt off, bending over to kiss Xander's stomach and then chest as he lifts the shirt. Xander moans. Graham lets his right hand find Xander's crotch. Graham grins as he feels Xander's hard-on. He undoes Xander's belt, and opens his pants, unzips them, and very slowly sinks down to his knees. Xander's eyes go wide as he looks down at the commando guy pulling out Xander's best friend since grade 7 and caressing it very gently. Xander groans. He puts a hand on Graham's shoulder and squeezes very gently. Graham turns his head and kisses the back of Xander's hand.
Graham caresses Xander's quickly stiffening cock, and whispers with a rather wicked smile "touch not the impure thing." Fuck that!
Xander hears him, and answers in a soft joking voice, "Hey! I'll have you know that my thing is very pure, thank you very much."
Graham looks down at the floor and grins. He chuckles. Laughing during sex, that's new. Graham likes it. A lot. Xander caresses Graham's shoulder. Seriously impressed by the musculature of that shoulder. Seriously turned on by the feel of that muscle.
Graham then takes hold of his own T-shirt and pulls it off, Xander helping him get it over his head. Xander remembers that he always let Jesse make the moves. Not this time. Xander takes hold of Graham's chin, bends over and kisses him briefly.
Graham caresses Xander's torso as he returns the kiss. When Xander straightens back up, he grins up at him. "Nice," he says softly, as much to the torso as to the kiss.
As soon as Xander touches Graham's shoulder again, Graham leans in and begins to lick the head of Xander's cock.
Xander stands there, eyes wide open as Graham gives him a blow job better than any he had ever imagined. Xander watches as the commando guy gives his cock his undivided attention, using his lips, his tongue, the back of his throat, his fingers gently massaging his balls, and all the area around. Every couple of seconds, Graham looks up at Xander's face, looking for his reaction to what he is doing, adjusting, doing more of whatever Xander seems to like.
Xander becomes aware that as Graham periodically stops sucking and starts licking his cock, and balls, and inner thigh (damn! but that feels amazing!), he is whispering something with an almost desperate voice. Xander gently caresses Graham's head. When he holds the back of his neck, Graham arches his neck backwards, pushing against Xander's hand. Graham looks up into Xander's eyes.
"Thank you…," he whispers.
"Uh, welcome". Xander replies, also in a whisper, a bit taken aback.
"…sir." he adds very softly. And Graham takes him in his mouth again. That's what Graham had been saying! OK, he'd think about that later. Wow! … much later …Ok, inner thigh… Wow! …Xander's hand tightens involuntarily on the guy's shoulder.
Xander stands there, back half arched, his pelvis slowly rocking in and out in time with Graham's efforts, his hands on Graham's shoulders, caressing them. Xander's breathing quickens.
Xander taps Graham on the shoulder
"I'm gonna come." Xander whispers hoarsely.
Graham breaks off, and with one smooth motion sits back as he straightens his legs, and lies down on his back. He looks up at the man standing above him, hands on the back of Xander's calves, slowly but urgently running them up and down his calves, almost worshipfully, that touch as eloquent as anything he could say. "On me, please." Graham pleads.
Graham wants to see him come, see him shoot, and more than that, he wants to have this guy on top of him, let them both know that they understand their places in this. He *needs* to be able to look up and see his face as he comes, and feel those hot splashes of come hit him, cover him, mark him as his.
Xander looks down at the guy lying on the floor beneath him. He is astounded at how turned on the guy is. And there's this rush he feels from that, from having this macho guy lying between his legs, looking up at him, excited, begging. "Yeah, man, anything you want," he answers.
Xander kneels, and rests his butt on Graham's lower stomach, facing him, never taking his eyes off of those eyes, puts his left hand on Graham's shoulder, to steady himself, and only incidentally pinning the guy to the floor, and with three strokes lets fly onto the man's chin and chest. Graham's arms reach around either side of Xander's waist. Xander can feel Graham's forearms moving, massaging his waist as the man furiously jerks himself off.
Xander watches transfixed as Graham's impressive muscles tense rock hard and Graham's face screws up and he arches his back, and Xander feels Graham's jism hit his back like molten lava -- only not hot enough to actually burn through his skin.
Graham lies there, nearly convulsing, Xander's hands move over Graham's chest, gently massaging his come into Graham's tanned skin. Graham smiles up at him. A deeply satisfied smile. Graham caresses Xander's thighs and whispers, "Awesome, Xander."
Xander leans forward, goes down onto hands and knees above Graham and kisses him. Graham pulls Xander's body against his, and hugs Xander as they kiss, slowly, deeply.
Parts 8,9,10
Back To Maybe He's Canadian Main Page
