Chapter 7
**A Big Surprise in the Package**
Howie and I were walking hand in hand along the beach (Cliched, I know, but it's my dream damn it!). Nothing was said between us as we both simply
enjoyed the company of the other. We stopped next to a rocky outcropping
and Howie pulled me into a very passionate kiss. I melted into his sweet
lips and lost myself in his warmth. This continued for a bit until I opened
my eyes to look at him. As I gazed at him, I drank in his beauty. However,
when I went in to again capture his lips, a dark shadow fell over the two of
us. Looking for the source, I glanced up to the rocks. I immediately
recognized the figure standing there. Quickly, I turned back around, only
to find everything dark and Howie gone. Standing there, I began to cringe
as the darkness constricted around my body, suffocating me. I managed to
scream a single word before I was crushed beneath that horrible blackness:
Howie.
I shot up in bed in a cold sweat. The feelings of the dream were still
running rampant through my pounding heart. I turned to make sure that I
hadn't woken Howie and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard his gentle
snoring. 'Oh god! He's not going to want me anymore when I tell him! I
don't think I could take him not holding me anymore. He has a right to
know, but this might destroy what we have. Don't be an ass Doug! Just tell
him. He's a great and understanding guy, you'll get through this together!'
I turned on the bedside light and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Deciding
that I had to tell him before he took me on tour with him, I gently reached
over and shook his shoulder. He just snorted and rolled over, continuing to
sleep. Well, if he wanted to be difficult, then I guess more drastic
measures were in order. Since he was naked, this was going to be easy.
Lifting up the covers, I quickly found my target and moved my hand. Taking
his balls in my hand, I proceeded to apply increasing pressure. His brain
must have gotten the message really fast because, a few seconds later, his
eyes suddenly snapped open and he slapped my hand away.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked with a groan, "That hurt!"
"Howie, I need to talk to you. It's important."
Looking at the seriousness embodied in my face, he immediately began to
panic. 'Oh shit, he doesn't want to come anymore! I moved to fast and now
he's gonna drop me! Damn, why didn't I think before I asked?' he thought
frantically. My next words, however, relieved those fears, but then
confused him.
"Howie, I really want to go with you tomorrow, but after I tell you this,
you might not want me to. But, please try to understand that I only kept
this from you because I was scared of losing you." I dropped my eyes to the
floor, knowing that I was about to do something that could possibly ruin one
of the best things that has ever happened to me. Howie sat up next to me
and pulled me to his chest while rubbing my back.
"Doug, whatever it is, it'll be okay. You know that I care about you and
nothing you can say is gonna change that. Please, just tell me what it is
so that I can help you get through it."
"No, you don't understand. I don't have a problem with this, it's your
reaction that I'm worried about."
"Okay, I get it. Why don't you just explain it to me and then we'll talk
about it," he soothed while calming me with that gorgeous smile of his.
After a brief debate with myself in my head (which I won by the way), I
decided to do as he'd asked, but not in words.
"Howie, it'll be easier if I just show you." And with that, I got up and
walked over to my dresser. Rummaging around a bit, I finally found what I
was looking for. I slowly walked back over to the bed and sank down next to
the man who had come to mean so much to me...the man who I might soon lose.
With quaking hands, I passed him the object that I had gotten and he took it
from me. In his hands, was a picture of a me with a young boy with blonde
hair sitting in my lap in front of a Christmas tree. He smiled down at the
image, not grasping what it meant.
"He's beautiful Doug. Who is he, your cousin?" a smile was playing across
his face as he asked, and my heart felt like it was about to explode.
Taking his face in my fingers and turning it toward me, I held his gaze with
my eyes as I began to explain.
"His name is Richard and he's five years old. Howie, the little boy that
you're looking at in this picture is my son."
"He's your what...," he whispered in disbelief.
"My son, Howie. I have a little boy."
The shock and anger on his face fractured my soul. I seriously couldn't breathe anymore. My entire chest had cramped up and I felt like I was going to black out. I knew this was how it would end. This is how it always ends for me. When a man finds out that I have a kid, he inevitably dumps me shortly thereafter. What the hell is it that makes 'men' run? I mean, I have a child, not some horribly contagious and disfiguring disease. Why do they find this so frightening? Jesus, just grow the fuck up! With as many males who claim to be men, it's unfortunate to see them run away like scared little boys.
Pulling my mind away from my internal ranting, I turned my attention back
to Howie, waiting for him to dump me just like the others had.
Taking deep breaths, Howie looked at me and tried to talk. It took him
several attempts before he could form any words, but when he finally managed
to speak, his voice was venomous.
"How could you fucking do this to me? Did you even fucking consider how I
would feel and what this would do to me?"
"Howie, I can't be in a relationship where my partner doesn't realize that
this child is a part of the deal. I'm sorry if you can't handle me having a
kid-," I didn't get any further than that.
"Don't you get it, this beautiful little person isn't why I'm pissed. I'm
pissed right now because you didn't trust me enough to think that I could
handle this. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel? I mean,
my god, I told you how deeply I care for you and then you pull this shit!
How could you even think that I would leave you? When we talked about our
lives, I told you how much I want children," he was crying now and I was
feeling lower than dirt. The enormity of my mistake was screaming in my
mind as I truly realized just how strongly this sweet, funny, beautiful man
felt for me. I felt like the biggest ass on the planet.
"So, Doug, wanna explain yourself?" he queried softly.
"I'm so sorry Howie. Hurting you was never my intention nor will it ever
be-"
"But..."
"-No, let me finish. You have to understand what it has been like for me.
Every man that I have ever dated, dumped me right after they found out about
Richie. Do you know what that's like? I bet you do. How often have you
found out that the person you were dating just wanted you for the fame? Do
you get what I'm trying to say?" Howie nodded his head and reached over to
grab my hand. He squeezed, silently urging me to go on. "The reason why I
was so scared to tell you was not necessarily about trusting you, but how
others have reacted. They told me that they loved me, but then dropped me
on my ass. I didn't want that to happen to us. I finally found someone who
makes me feel secure and loved...I was terrified of losing you." My voice
failed me as silent sobs wracked my body. Howie picked me up and laid me
down under the covers. He turned off the lamp and got into bed. Spooning
behind me, he squeezed me tightly to his body. Before I drifted off, he
whispered into my ear.
"Just sleep now and we'll sort everything out in the morning. Don't worry, I still want you to come with us. I'd also really like it if you could
bring Richie with you so that I can get to know him."
I don't think my smile could have gotten any bigger and it stayed with me
all the way into sleep. He wanted my baby to meet him...and so did I.
Chapter 8
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