6.22.04 Dear Journal,

Again I've been working to improve the looks of my site. Perhaps it is presentable now? I have no clue. But at least everything feels more organized now. Note to self: don't multi-task on own personal time. Too risky.

What I meant by more organized was my simplicity page. It just looked more neat after I had worked on it for just a bit. But it took me the longest time to work on the friendship portion. I was sitting there, trying to think of all the friends I might have made five years ago, and only two came to mind. I thought, well, that's okay, because that means that at I've had two friends that have stuck with me these past five years, ones that I still hold in good regard. I couldn't think of anyone under the four-year friend one. It was weird for me, thinking, at least have one. But I don't remember meeting anyone four years ago that I still care about or merely talk to today. That quickly followed with the memory of how I'd shut myself away from people four years ago. I don't know why. Isn't that funny? I think I might have been, at that point, so full of hate and rage that I thought I could do something to alter the course of which I was hastily running.

And then I compare it with how many friends I've made this past year. I don't know how to explain it. Am I just making casual friends right now? And why would I do that? Because I'm afraid of ending up with no one? Or maybe I'm seeing myself and knowing what I want--?

6.21.04 Dear Journal,

After that scary two-day fever scare that made my vacation a thirty-day stay in the Philippines, I'm finally home. It was such a relief, but everything is so strange to me now. I'm not used to the carpeted floors, or sleeping in my own room, in my own bed for that matter, or even talking in English. It's going to take a while to get used to all this, but I am so happy to be home.

5.17.04 Dear Journal,

So I won't be updating in a while because I won't have FrontPage in the Philippines. Wow, summer's come so fast. It's almost invigorating. Everything's changing and moving forward without hesitance, like as if everything's meant to be. So whatever happens will happen. I'm not going to try and stop it anymore.

I will miss everybody. Sniff.

5.08.04 Dear Journal,

I've gotten so caught up in my xanga and all this other crap known as life that I've forgotten this. Okay, so last night wasn't the best of nights. I mean, I had fun (sort of?). Maybe I'd better explain.

This past week Kaitlin had told me that she was going to Skelletones this Saturday with Josh, so I figured, hey, I guess I'll go with other people (Josh wasn't getting out of work until 9 pm, and he was going over to her place to pick her up). At least that was the plan. I hadn't called anyone by Saturday, and after a horrendous day at church, she'd called me as I got to the door. She said she didn't have a ride after all, so I said maybe I could pick her up and we could head over there if I couldn't get a hold of Caitlin. I tried a couple of times, and just went back to talking to Kaitlin on my cell. The other phone rings a few minutes later, and it's Caitlin. She said if I could come over, we could head over to Paul's, and then the gang would head over to Skelletones after we eat and hang out. I asked her if Matt would be willing to pick Kaitlin up, and she said she didn't know. So I asked Kaitlin if she'd be willing to give Matt gas money to go. She started getting upset, cursing a bit, and then she hung up on me.

I didn't know what to do. I had Caitlin on the other phone. I just started crying (and y'all know how much I hate crying, so yes, it is a big deal). Caitlin had to talk me through it. I went across the street, calmed down a bit, but Kaitlin called me on my cell phone later. She said Josh said she should call me and then she started crying on the phone. She was upset because she felt like she was the only one who had to give money and because she just wanted to hang out with us and we were making her pay. I didn't know what to say. I told her that I would talk to Matt, and see what he could do. Later at Paul's, Paul called her and informed her that the van was full. I think he said that she mentioned walking. I felt bad. But I felt even worse when I realized how much this dumb situation cost me (yes it was dumb, because she got a ride over there from her brother anyway).

Now I feel stupid. I feel horrible. I feel raw inside, like I overreacted and yet, I didn't. Did I? Why did I put myself through this? Yeah, I blame myself, because I let my emotions get a hold of my better judgment. Then again, emotions or no emotions, it's all impaired.

4.22.04 Dear Journal,

I've had two horrible days of misery. Wednesday, I went over to Paul's and we (as in Kaitlin and Jimmy too) sat in his room and watched Family Guy. Although the show was amusing, I had nothing to do but write an essay (hey, at least I got an A on it) analyzing how a writer revealed the complexities of her response to nature and bang on Paul's drum set (which I was no good at). Then I went back for an hour and a half of brainless computer lab.

I thought things would change when Caitlin called me up and told me to scuffle over to Skelletones because Against Me! was playing, but when I got there, I socialized with her brother (not saying that he's not cool, because he did let me beat him in connect four). We only had time to hear four songs, and when we went up there, waiting for them to play, I had another bad encounter.

Some guy and his friends had come there drunker than drunk, and he reaked of alcohol and mosh sweat. He caught me looking at him swaying uncontrollably, so he took it upon himself to approach us. Unfortunately, Paul couldn't come to my rescue anymore, so as he gave us hugs, resting his head on ours, I couldn't help feeling like I should turn and run. He told Caitlin that he wasn't from this county, that he was from Iowa or Ionia or somewhere. She asked him if he was just a tad tipsy, and he just laughed and wiggled his hand. So he leaned over toward me, tipped his head on mine, and asked me where I was from. I didn't know what to say, so I told him from "here", wherever that was supposed to mean. He was mumbling in my ear, pouring alcoholic breath in my direction when he grabbed my hand and started squeezing it and holding it close. (Shiver) Wanted to yank my hand away so bad. Anyway, after asking him if he was "okay", he finally got the picture that he wasn't leaving a good lasting impression on me, and stumbled away to pick on one of the guys from Against Me! (by the way, they were fun ~ invoked a good mosh or two, or three.....)

And today. I was late for a 7:30 am Jewell Tones practice. And instead of sticking to my plan, I missed class to go to IHOP with Caton, Isaac, James, Mike, Maria, Gina, and Michelle. Coffee helped, but not toward the end of the day. Jewell Tones had to perform at the For the Art of It program until seven or so. By then I was panicking. I couldn't get a hold of anyone, and the ones I did talk to said they weren't going to Skelletones after all. I had no one. But I was determined to go, even if it was by myself. Thankfully, it wasn't. Jennie came with me. And I did enjoy the acoustics, very, very nice.

Seriously, though, why does it seem like I'm the only one following through with whatever plans I make? Where's the effort guys? Or at least the courtesy cell call saying you won't be able to make it after all? Yeah, don't bother being mad if I'm unavailable in the future; you'll just have to check my events thing on my xanga. Sorry to inconvenience you.

4.11.04 Dear Journal,

Paul's back from Cali, so he went over to Caitlin's, and they came over. We had a little fun with the video camera, and he said he would scan whichever pictures I wanted. Yay, celebration. Awwww, it was kind of sweet watching them, all cheesing and what not, but at the same time, sickening, but only sickening because I'm me.

As you can tell, I have an issue with having issues right now. Man, I feel so... conflicted. I'm stuck between being the person I have been, the sarcastic ice queen, to being the person I'm starting to grow into, the "nice" (-for lack of a better term) girl-next-door type. I'm not so mean anymore, but sometimes I have my moments. It's a struggle, because being who I have been means that I'd be a bad person. That's what I'm trying to get out of, the burden of being a bad person. Ahhh, it's so hard. But I'd rather clear my conscience than hold everything in.

4.09.04 Dear Journal,

Just to remind everyone, the short story page is at the bottom of the poems page, or you could just click because I just hyperlinked them. Man, I'm hungry. Cheesecake sounds good right now, but so does a lot of things (starbucks' vanilla creme, for example).

I don't exactly know why I'm in a horrible mood, but while I'm in it, might as well vent. I'm so frustrated right now. People take advantage of me like you wouldn't know (and I don't mean like that). I'm the person you can bum something off of, or do you big favours, or reassure you when you can't for yourself... I don't know who the "you" is, but it works. I can't really say I'm sick and tired of this, because that's just who I am. I let people walk all over me, and sometimes I don't even bother to complain. Ahhh, dare this be the hinting of a conformist? Nah, well, (shrug)... I like to call it compromising, lol.

And another thing, just to add to that. I don't think people should put a lot of trust in me. I'll probably either let them down or lie. That's right, lie. I will admit it. But the sole purpose for my lies is not what you think. I lie to protect people, from realizing how cold and miserable the truth aka the world really is. Sure, I'm preventing them from mentally developing, but I'm sure they'll realize someday how the world works.

Yeah, well, enough of anger. It's starting to be a drag.

4.08.04 Dear Journal,

I'm talking to Isaac online, and he has a webcam (so I can see him), and I'm listening to Clearly Blind in the background, so it's a good morning. I really wanted to fix my photo album last night, but no, the pictures weren't scanned properly. I'm thinking I'll just wait until Paul gets back on Sunday, which is what I should've done, but I didn't.

Back to what I wasn't saying. I finally added that short story page, so everyone needs to check it out and some of you at least have got to send me a short story of your own that I'll be glad to post. Just remember to include your name, site (if you have one), and story. I'll link you up (mwahahahaha). Wow, aside from the fact that you've now learned I'm a dork, you must've noticed I've been hyperlinking people and places, so check their sites out, too. I'm sure you'll find something... interesting (smile).

4.07.04 Dear Journal,

I didn't get a hold of Kaitlin until 6:30 pm, only an hour from the show yesterday. Somehow, she got to my house, and then Ashley called and said that she could go too. For some reason, I didn't get that she was planning to go until she said so on the phone (I know, I'm a little slow... shut up, Paul). I was already freaking out because we were probably going to be late, but it worked out okay. Clearly Blind was, of course, spectacular (as Jimmy would put it), including when Joey had his little moment during the last song. Haha, that face was classic.

Again, I was elected to be the group's spokesperson last night. I had to ask Brent if he had a girlfriend. Oh, yeah, it's just a tiny pinch embarrassing, but I have this musketeer clause with my friends (it's a bit one-sided, but only because I'm the only one that officially lives by it). Therefore, I had to. Word I felt stupid, but I'll live. I think that's my problem. It's easier to talk to someone I don't like. Okay, duh.

And I don't know why people are against me being attracted to this guy (the one I mentioned before). It's not like as if I'm fixated on his looks or something. And don't the people that I care about and who claim to care for me care about the fact that I'm happy? Really, I can argue for hours that we can't help who we are attracted to. We can't pick and choose as we like, and forcing yourself to not like someone by finding something about him or her you don't like and writing him or her off because of it proves only how close minded you are. Plus, he has succeeded at the most important and difficult task of all; inspiring me.

By the way, Be Nicholas Bé performed after, and they were pretty good. I forgot the name, but I especially liked one of their songs. I think it was Running Away From the Scene of the Crime, but I don't know for sure. Ahhh, I wish I knew how to play the guitar.

4.06.04 Dear Journal,

Ahhh, I'm trying to multi-task and it's not working. I can't keep a decent conversation with Jimmy online at the moment, I'm eating, and I'm trying to make my site look better. This has to be the fifteenth font I've switched to so far. Yeah, so I was looking at my photo page, and I realized that it looked, well, kinda sorta empty. I'm trying to add more pictures in there, but Isaac is gone and so is Paul (that freakin american is having fun in Cali as I write). The search for someone who has a scanner continues...

I feel like I'm coming down with something. It's probably from staying in my basement too long to update my site. Or from waiting with Kaitlin and Carissa for the doors to open Saturday at the Intersection with a t-shirt and a jean jacket on. Whichever one it is, I am suffering.

I don't know what Kaitlin's and my plan is for today. Originally, as we were talking on the phone around midnight last night, we had planned to go to Skelletones because Time & Distance and Banister are playing tonight, but now Jimmy says that he wants to go see Clearly Blind at the fish house at Calvin. I will probably have to go then, but I don't think I'll be able to get a hold of Kaitlin until later because I think she mentioned that she's going to work with her brother. Ahhhhhh, stress.

Yeah, well, Caitlin is probably going to come over in a few seconds, seeing as how we are across-the-street neighbors and what not. Lots of aggravation and love.

4.05.04 Dear Journal,

Today was equally as dandy. I caught an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess this morning, but that wasn't the highlight of my day (surprisingly). Jennie called me up, and then we went cruising around. And when I say cruising, I mean we toured all Grand Rapids had to offer (in other words, not much). I helped her paint her kitchen, too, and later on, I went to Kaitlin's, where Brittany and Carissa had shown up as well. We went to the intersection today. And yeah, when we asked Brent from Clearly Blind (haha, my goal is to have you readers check them out) if he was going this past Saturday, he said that the bands were good but no, guess what? Never Say Never was dandy, and Letter Kills was amazingly fresh (fresh is good, fresh is very good). Ahhhhh, burn. Kidding.

So speaking of Never Say Never, it seems dear old Brittany knows one of the guys, Tyler. Chasing him down and getting to conversate with him proved almost disastrous, but after the show, we snuck a few minutes in with him and his very special friend. They both seemed pretty sweet, and they seemed to pay attention to what we were saying (although Tyler admitted he had adhd). We are definitely going to their show on the 17th (at the liquid room).

Now that I come to think of it, the hardest thing I had to do was go up to two guys, one named Steve (which I highly doubt is really his name), and the other named Bob, and conversate with them. I hate talking to strangers. I get this urge to smudge my lips together and then I can't speak properly. My body freezes and I tense up like nothing you've ever seen. Mwahaha, speaking of not being able to speak, Tyler was having the hardest time trying to say 'awesome'. Ahh, classic. Good times, good times.

I had a bad time talking with Ang on the phone last night. We were on the topic of guys, which seemed to be a one sided thing (but only because she has a steady beau). So I started talking about guys, about one in particular, and all of a sudden, Ang goes, 'Daysee, he's way out of your league', and so on. And it's true, I guess, but I was hoping for.... actually, I don't know what I was hoping for. Maybe I was hoping that, for once, some guy wasn't 'out of my league'. Well, that's the last time I talk about guys.

4.04.04 Dear Journal,

I am excited. I finally got this site to work out. Yay, celebration. Okay, so since I had a Xanga journal type thing going on (and since I've already written in it today), I am simply going to cut and paste.

"you should never let the sun set on tomorrow before the sun rises today" ~nine days

yeah, that's my quote. so i happen to be having the best spring break so far, but maybe it's because i've been out of the house since thursday mwahahaha. well, here's the deal; on thursday, kaitlin and i went to skelletones and had a jolly old time (the guys from clearly blind gave us a ride home - thanks very much!!!!), and i crashed at her house; on friday, jennie and i hung out and had way too much fun, and i crashed at her house; on saturday, which would be yesterday, i got back home at seven in the morning (mmmm, just in time for church), went to church (kevin finally burned sum 41 for me), then rounded carissa and kaitlin up, and we all went to the intersection. it was fun, especially since we met up with matt, paul, and jimmy. they're silly....

anyway, back to clearly blind. i've been to three or four of their shows, and they are awesome (not to sound repetitive or anything, which i am anyway). they are amazingly hilarious, and watching them on stage i can see that they are pretty close. i can hear it, too, when they play, how they sing, they're just... together.

so thursday night at skelletones, before they get up to play, brent walks past kaitlin and i and says 'is it just me, or is joey hot'. so i'm figuring i have two choices; smile with the average groupie response 'duh', or smile with the surprised yet punked out response 'what'. or, i figure i could just wing it and shrug. really, i didnt know what to say.

so seriously, what constitutes hotness? i got into an argument with some guy about this too just last week. i was reprimanding him for dating some girl just to date her, and he starts saying, 'well, she's hot, she's hot.... i mean, you look good, but you talk too much'. thanks, guy, did i mention that when we talked on the phone we were talking mostly about you?

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back to dear journal...

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