Sometimes I have a very hard time writing. Today I started an ambitious essay about art, but everything I was writing came out jarbled. I could not finish my thoughts, I was trying to explain how artists are only artists if their art acts as a hammer to the people who experaince the art. I still cannot write very well, that sentence hardly made any sense.

I will force myself to write something every single day. Some days I might fail, I might not be able to write competently about anything, but I do my best to come up with something every single day.

I haven't composed much music lately. I sometimes wonder if I have the capability to compose most of the time. Now that I think about it, the only times I have made respectable music, a complete or somewhat near to complete peice has been when I was "high" on Focalin. Focalin is a stimulant medicaiton, it causes dopamine messages to be sent again and again. What is interesting about that is that I only write good when I am on "a roll" or on a stimulate like focalin. Not that I am incapable of writing without simulants, but I seem to have a large problem motivating myself to the point where I can think my thoughts all the way through. My writing is still stinted right now somewhat, but I believe I can work through it.

Now the connetion between writing and composing is very small; writing concerns itself with a completely different side of the brain. However, the one thing that does unify them is that there is a final goal, and that all the work within that goal is supporting the final goal, whether indiretly through a sepeart goal that supports the final, or simply supporting the overarching goal directly. If I can reign in my ability to write essays, then I can probably reing in my ablility to compose music!

A tool that I used to wrestel my brain into creative subbmission today was the brain wave generator. The brainwave generator plays off of the notion that a persons brain is opperating in different areas of the brain at different frequenceys. Focused, narrowminded dedication is associated with beta waves, a more creative focus is associated with alpha waves. It goes on to theta and delta waves, which ususually only correspond with sleep and meditation. The brain wave generator works by giving out "beats" through bi-aural dissonance. By giving off two slightly different tones, a person will precieve "beats" at different frequenies. What has been found to happen when these beats are susstained is that a persons brain waves will naturally harmonize itself with these frequencies, thus changing one's state of mind.

Now, the fact that this helps me write is curious. I have attention deficit disorder, which manifests itself in many different ways, such as my near inablilty to finish projects. With some sort of punishment hanging over my head, my adrenaline will start flowing, and I will get a boost of dopamine which will allow me to focus long enough to finish whatever I am working on. Attention deficit disorder is almost always assosicated with low amounts of beta waves and an over abundance of alpha waves, which would mean that for me to get past my disorder, I would want to get my brain to increase its beta waves. However, what really works for me is to use alpha waves - it allows me to write far more smoothly than with beta waves. Why whould that be? The only answer I can come up with is that my mind is two scatterbrained, and that there are alpha and beta waves all over the place causing my mind to be out of sync with itself.