Now Playing: screams of horror
Another day off work, with mild stomach ache. Sometimes. What a wuss, eh? I'm hoping the image of me as 'unreliable' is being sharpened in their minds.
Spent the day worrying that one of the search terms that led to my blog in the last month was "nude girls spreadsheets".
This led me to check into udate, and update my pictures and profile. I widened the age range of potentials to 18-99 years old, and specified a particular liking for tubbies.
Here's my profile:
Sarsparilla: female, London (UK), Korean, 240lbs+;In fifteen minutes, 43 blokes suddenly checked me out. One look at 'MarquisDeSuave's handsome wrinkles and bulging packet, and I swore never to brush my teeth again.
Over 6ft 6, small/petite build,I don't like children, ethnicity: other;
Hair: Not much left, black eyes, beard & moustache, single, gay, looking for marriage, stunning looking, masters degree, occupation: celebrity, annual income over #1K;
Left Wing Extremist, no religious beliefs, I drink to excess, maxed out with tattoos, maxed out with body piercings, 1 or 2 pieces of jewellery, I take drugs to excess, non-smoker;
Won't cook, won't clean, won't do housework, love food shopping, hate all other shopping, won't garden or do DIY, depend upon others to clean up for me;
Quite feminine, not really warm, not at all caring, not at all supportive, not really understanding, extremely aggressive;
Extremely successful, ambitious, extrovert, impatient, I am angry all the time;
I am not really intelligent, not at all faithful, not really passionate, fitness fanatic, pride in my appearance? Not really;
Not really spiritual, extremely superstitious, I'm a sex bomb, who's not at all deep, and anything goes;
I'm not at all reliable, I have no willpower, am extremely selfish, am always late. Sorry, I'm not at all spontaneous;
I dislike the following forms of food: English, Italian, fast, pizza, Japanese, Indian, Chinese, French and McDonalds. I like to eat KFC cuisine;
I hate bars, pubs, clubs, movies, the theatre, museums, raves and discos, and The Arts are above my head, I'm afraid. There's nothing better than a walk in the park;
I hate reading, and only take the Financial Times, Telegraph and News of the World daily. My TV tastes run to game shows, game shows and game shows; I also enjoy magazines about automotives, housekeeping and religion;
I play bowling, boxing and disabled sports, but only enjoy watching wrestling;
The best place to go on a date with me is Embankment, and three years from now I shall be in Brazil, working as a gravedigger;
What really really makes me happy is licking gingivitis from teeth.
Just lettin' ya know, girls, where you're going wrong......