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Tuesday, 19 August 2003

System Addict

Today angelfire shut my blog down at noon, as it had exceeded 1 gig's bandwidth. I call this toss of the highest order.
Toss, sir, again I say to you, toss! I never did no sech thing guvnor.
I know I can 'yourmum' angelfire safely, as, having looked at some of the blogs on their sample pages, I feel certain there is no quality control whatsoever.

I am charged, today, with the sheer responsibility of ministering to the physical needs of Sheikhs and harems.
That and having to water Duch's garden (memo to self: you put the garden hose onto jetwash setting, you kill things; remember this.)

Duch rang me at her Harley St practice from America, to check that I was definitely living up to my promise of doing a worse job than her (I say Harley Street, so you know why there were Sheikhs and harems, and don't get confused into thinking they're some new London variety of ice cream dessert - I've never met a Sheikh - or a harem - afore today, sah, and oi can't say as it's terrible thrilling, lah.) However, I can't actually say I've put effort into my mission, as yet - it came quite naturally.
I did have to admit to her in the first four seconds of the conversation that this is the most mind-torchingly tedious job I have ever had the misfortune to endure. I'd rather pluck hedgehogs with my teeth than spend more than my allotted two days doing this.
Are all officey type jobs as frigging dire as this? Imagine watching a cobweb form. Aaaaaaaaaargh!

I've been told off at least four times, so I'm doing Duch proud.

I turned up waaaaaaaay late, without excuse or apology.
I chased a paying customer away because he had the temerity to be late.
I chased a harem's interpreter away because her English wasn't good enough.
I was caught out embellishing medical details to make a better story in a medical emergency situation ("little girls who've had tonsillectomies don't bleed from their ears, Vanessa").
The consultant has yet to realise that when I took dictation, rather than look things up in the med dictionary, I just made all the names of the ailments and medicines up. (Betrodouethylamane, anyone? Try getting a prescription for that.) I'm betting money that he doesn't spot all of them.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 11:29 PM BST
Updated: Thursday, 28 August 2003 12:31 AM BST
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Tuesday, 19 August 2003 - 11:47 PM BST

Name: Vic Jameson and ChrisB all at once
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Are you trying to fabricate a new Dr. Shipman, killing off all his patients with made-up chemical composites then pinning the blame on him? I managed it with that doctor and the baby-organs so it isn't difficult.

Wednesday, 20 August 2003 - 12:10 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

I figured making it up was probably actually safer than hedging my bets with some actual medical condition that could prove to be real, but fatally misdiagnosed.
"Would you go out, now?"

Wednesday, 20 August 2003 - 1:26 PM BST

Name: Looby

About office work being dull - ime, it is. When I used to work in an office they were very uptight about making sure you were giving the appearance of working all the time, even if you'd finished everything and you weren't actually doing anything profitable. Ah well, not for long now eh? And it might reintroduce your body to more conventional sleepign patterns, in readiness for Sept.

Wednesday, 20 August 2003 - 2:15 PM BST

Name: Martin Sewell
Home Page:

Be sure to use doctor's slang to full effect.

Wednesday, 20 August 2003 - 5:34 PM BST

Name: Looby
Home Page:

Re doctor's slang, if ever have the chance to to Phil Hammond, (ex-doctor now stand-up/raconteur) his show uses this in a very entertaining way.

Thursday, 21 August 2003 - 12:01 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Yes, the keeping alert/busy look helps, but I finished everything by one o clock. After that I just renamed the medicines in the letters, and waited for the phone to ring. I enjoyed the dusting, though, and stayed late to do more.

Thursday, 21 August 2003 - 12:05 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Actually, I do recall during the Shipman case, a rather drunk friend who *may* allegedly have been a GP mentioning that his surgeries were generally full of moaning old ladies who were never going to get better, as their ailments were largely caused by ageing. He did say that the temptation to hiss 'just DIE, would you' can sometimes be overwhelming.

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