Thursday, 8 July 2004 - 10:40 AM BST

1. That's what blogs are for right?
2. Umm, how come you never wanted to put all this into short stories or something instead of a blog? Yeah I'm just saying that because I'm old fashioned and deep down I think blogs are abit silly.

Thursday, 8 July 2004 - 9:04 PM BST

I'm glad we are back down to erm, yellow alert.

It puzzles me greatly the great disconnect between what I read here and what you feel about what others think of you.

Though I realize you don't reveal the whole of you here, you do expose enough that we have a general idea of who you are--and you are just not that bad.
You are painfully honest--far braver than many of us in that respect. Your insight and gift for stringing together coherent thoughts far surpasses much in the blogosphere.
Mostly, you comes across as real, not some phony blog persona. That, more than anything, attracts me to this page each day.

P.S. It was me that was flipping back to your original entries this morning, trying to acertain the exact date of your birthday. It comes after the dissolution of this blog, correct?
Just wanted to wish you the best now and in the future and thank you for sharing yourself with those of us fortunate enough to have found your blog.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 1:38 AM BST

No, two days before. :o)

In person, I tend to come across as very confident, but rather distant and difficult to get to know. Wdll, that's what I presume from a lifetime of feedback!
It's not intentional, and when people know me, it's the opposite. I hope.
Combined with the status/education/resistance to getting involved with other people's lives, and with the posh voice, it has to be said, I think the image I put across is of being quite difficult to get to know.
The people who developed such elaborate and judgemental fantasies were off on one, away with the fairies. They were transferring their own paranoia that perhaps I might be judging them harshly. I know this, because I attempted to correct this impression with all parties, constantly, until I realised it wasn't making the slightest bit of difference. They have their own problems, to respond to me that way, and no doubt at some point in their lives, such nastiness will come back and bite them well and truly on the bum. It doesn't concern me, because I won't know them at the time.

Actually, yeah, that ability to cut people adrift if I've tried and tried and they're just not open to it - that's probably another factor that makes people paranoid that I'm not enjoying their company. Happens again and again - people think I think I'm above them, when I've expressed nothing of the sort. The good, decent types will tell me about finding it hard with me sometimes, but the dick heads will just externalise.

That reminds me of a moment when I was staying with my cousin Dandi, in the late seventies. She's always been stunning looking, as most of my cousins are, and takes no shit from anyone, ever. She was getting out of her mum's car in a northern town, when a group of kids from across the way cat called her. I was stunned - I couldn't think of anyone less likely to be picked on at school than Dandi. She turned to me, and said "those kids at school think I'm a snob. They think I think I'm better than them. And they're right. I do."

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 1:39 AM BST

They're not short stories, though. It's unfortunately all true! :o)

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 5:20 AM BST

It's people's need for approval. I don't have the energy to constantly remind people that I really really like them and everything they say is interesting and etc. Exhausting. Be your own hero.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 7:48 AM BST

Spot.On.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 9:09 AM BST

...I am here and I am reading and I'm not commenting...I'm not commenting because this is just too big for me and I can't find the right words to pull everything back into perspective...
...and I can't offer to hold your hand, I can't hold you as you cry, I can't tuck you in to bed with a cup of hot chocolate and stroke your hair while you drift off to sleep...
...but I can feel for you, I can send positive thoughts, I can worry about you...
with love

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 12:32 PM BST

To be honest, SOMETIMES the impression from this blog is abit big headed, although ONLY from the blog which is a partial text anyway! I have found that if someone is friendly most normal people respond in kind, and if they don't that is the wrong crowd to hang out with.

My only disagreement with the comment is aren't we supposed to be kind and forgive people, and try to see the best side of them not wish ill will.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 12:43 PM BST

I am not of course saying that I am always perfectly friendly etc. but we are all only human after all.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 3:39 PM BST

i am above most people
i am.
it is quite tiring.
i frown alot.
and ive got a posh voice.
it frightens people.
at least that is what i think frightens them.
sometimes i spit on the pavement to fit in.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 6:37 PM BST

It's not beyond me how someone with the ability to throw wide open the windows to her soul to all the gawking passers by, baring the gaping vastness of the rooms within in all their starkness, warmth, filth, and beauty, could ever come across as aloof or evil. For all the walls you tear down in words, I have no problem envisioning you building them up high around you in the real world.

Which is, of course, the real world's loss.

I distinctly feel an eminent, and imminent, arrival coming on.

Friday, 9 July 2004 - 10:46 PM BST

Then I'm big headed. People who take me at my most vulnerable, when I'm twelve pounds underweight and who tell me I should lose more if I want to look acceptable as a human are wankstains. I'll never look skinny enough to be approved by them, and frankly, I think less of myself for having made myself ill in the process of seeking approval.

People who try to divert attention from their own sneakiness by fabricating a scandal about me, then taking it to its limit in a public campaign of denouncing me in print are wasted on this millenia, they would be so much happier in a medieval witch trial.

I don't see a reason why I should be their puppet, it's not going to solve their issues if I do.

People who forbid me to go out, to listen to music, to see people they haven't pre-approved, or to attend fairs or gatherings of anyone who doesn't have a high enough status job, need to @#%$! off to a muslim fundamentalist state, and stop bothering me with their pathetic need to commandeer attention at all times on their terms.

Essentially, I was surrounded by people who were trying to control me, and necessarily keeping secrets from all of them, and finding nowhere I could simply be without harsh judgement before I opened my mouth. That's going to take some time to work out why I allowed that to happen, who it was who showed me I was not worth more than that. Therefore, it's going on the blog, because the blog is a tool for me to verbalise and think things through. There's no apology for that, as so far, I haven't shackled anyone to it and forced them to read, in fact, I've actively discouraged it of late.

Of course, you're right, blogs are big headed.
Especially this one.
Especially that I've chosen to *APPARENTLY* make it so personal.
But so am I.

Sunday, 11 July 2004 - 10:39 AM BST

Yes okay:-) I'm glad the blog is doing its job for you, and actually some of the bits on the blog, along with other things I've been reading have helped me with things in my life:-)

Sunday, 11 July 2004 - 3:10 PM BST

I'd also like to thank you for putting a comment that wasn't arse licking, though. However much I get bombastic about it at the time, i appreciate criticism.