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Friday, 14 May 2004

Guest Blog: Cunty-Minty-but-still-a-sweetie-guest-bloggy

Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Eva Cassidy - Songbird
Topic: Creepy Lesbo
Cuntymint. Odd word, that. C-U-N-T-Y-M-I-N-T. But I like it. I don't know what it means, though I could hazard a guess, but I won't. Just, well, CUNTYMINT, innit?

I'm having an attack of the "Fuck You"s today. *twitch* Not enough sleep, too much caffeine, and the prospect of a weekend without my slippers. It's just too much. *drapes hand across forehead in dramatic pose*

But anyway. I think. Sometimes. (Really, I do - you can see the pain on my face and hear the whirring) So, well, in that vein, I present:

Ode to a Cow

I am Cow hear me Moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on a barbecue
Yoghurt curd cream cheese and butter's
Made from liquid from my udders
I am cow, I am cow, Hear me Moo

I am cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when I belch
Oh the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow, I am cow, I've got gas

I am cow here I stand
Far and wide upon this land
And I am living everywhere
From DC to NewFoundland you can squeeze my teats by hand
I am cow I am cow I am cow
I am cow I am cow I am cow

(I am cow: The Arrogant Worms)


I've been wandering around singing that song all day and, well, getting some odd looks. Of course, it could have been the pink tutu, but, well, personally, I think it was the song.

*taps fingers on desk in a really annoying rhythm while trying to think of something else to write*

My trainers smell.... They got wet the other day when I took them for a walk in the rain. They're dry now, but, well, they still smell. I smelled this morning too. I stayed up all night to do some work and, well, sitting in one place for too long and getting all hot with genius creativity kinda makes you smell. And I did. Smell, that is. So I had a shower. Why is it, that after a shower, despite getting out of the bath and rinsing down the tub, there are still bits of fluff left? Why can I never catch every bit of fluff in the bath? And you know, those last bits of fluff always look like something sinister when you're sharing a house with people you don't really know. Like, er, well, things that live, anyway.

Oooh - and I've had a *STALKER*. *nods head in conspirational manner*. Yes, a stalker, and a psycho one at that. She stalked me in a chat room, and then by text, and now she knows where I live. (Ok, so yes, I told her, but, well, she didn't seem psycho then!)

See, well, your esteemed author here didn't give me any particular topic to 'blog' on, and, well, I live a very boring life, so I'll make something up.. I'm supposed to be offensive, so, well, I'll be nice instead. Right. So, as I'm having a 'fuck you' moment right now, I'll list by name, all those I would gladly kiss on the cuntymint:

S, who is just so wonderful I'm starting to worry very much that she can't possibly exist in real life. Yummy.

S2, who is a 'thinking woman's crumpet'. Yummee.. Funny and wise, a definite tasty one.

C, who I just want because I know I can't have her. She tells me all about her love life, and always seems to have the whole of the lesbian population falling at her door. Apart from me. Or maybe I should start doing that....

NS, who is funny, gorgeous, brill to go on a night out with, but, unfortunately not interested. Just my type, too *sigh*

T. Utterly gorgeous, femme, curvy, sensual, but utterly utterly attached. :o(

N. Very attractive, but I only want her because I strangely like the idea of playing the Big Bad Lesbian and taking her 'innocence', then dumping her.

Hmmm... Right. Ok. Ya think that's enough to count as a post on the esteemed Vanessa's blog? Well, if it isn't, then fuck you, coz I'm falling asleep and have really really squeezed out the last of any inspiration I might have had just so I can blog this before collapsing, snoring and drooling, onto my bed. I've not slept for two whole days. And the bank, (the wankpots that they are) have taken money off me that they shouldn't have. So I have no cash. I'm living off my cheque book until next week. And then the ex rang me in an evil mood and shouted at me for ten minutes before hanging up. I listened. I really am too soft.

Ok... So I'll leave you with the following thought for the day:

Tough cookies crumble pretty easily. Cookies that are nice and soft in the middle are more flexible and harder to break.

Use that one next time someone tells you to 'toughen up'. (And I made it up all by myself - aren't ya proud?)

Oh - and suggestions are needed as to what topic to blog on tomorrow. As I'm a total comment-whore, I expect lots and lots of ideas. In the comments. To which I will reply to make it look like I'm more popular than I really am. Natch. :o)

This page graced by sarsparilla at 8:29 PM BST
Updated: Tuesday, 18 May 2004 1:05 AM BST
Post Comment | View Comments (17) | Permalink | Share This Post

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 3:23 AM BST

Name: Christy
Home Page:

Hehehe, I like your edgy humor!

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 5:22 AM BST

Name: Cyn
Home Page:

I'm going to miss my daily dose of eccentricity when you are no longer gracing the "esteemed Vanessa's blog."

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 11:41 AM BST

Name: Inspector Sands
Home Page:

I'd like to hear Stephen Fry say "cuntymint".

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 3:12 PM BST

Name: Guest Blogger
Home Page:

Why thank you, Christy :o) Edgy is what I am, Edgy is what I will be, until I am too scatty to be called 'edgy' any more, and they lock me up with the chickens. :o)

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 3:13 PM BST

Name: Guest Blogger
Home Page:

Well, I could always promise to write something witty in the comments section... Or ever redirect you to my very own, non-daily and mostly non-witty blog..

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 3:15 PM BST

Name: Guest Blogger
Home Page:

OOh yes! Definitely! Or that guy who used to read the 'News at Ten', but now does the 'Tonight' programme on ITV... Or Terry Wogan.

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 10:41 PM BST

Name: Vanessa in Liverpool on Mark's funk

I vote
a) a guide to sensible shoes
b) best quotes from queer movies (my fave= "you were right about those cupboards")
c) a sexual fantasy about Alana's naughty uncle (of NoBoys destructor fame)

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 10:42 PM BST

Name: Vanessa in Liverpool on Mark's funk

Fuc kit, how could I forget the Eurovision?

Saturday, 15 May 2004 - 11:03 PM BST

Name: sarah

damn right - now I know what the new Eastern European members can bring to the EU: soft porn! woo!

Sunday, 16 May 2004 - 12:02 AM BST

Name: Vanessa in Liverpool on Mark's funk

Xena the Warrior Princess won!

Sunday, 16 May 2004 - 5:12 AM BST

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

I just gave up watching when the voting got half way through. I couldn't remember any of the top four.. It's not like the good old days, is it?


Sunday, 16 May 2004 - 12:36 PM BST

Name: Vanessa returned

Go to the official Eurovision site (link on the bbc/eurovision site) - she's worth a look. She broke the stage by stamping too hard, and she's looking for her Gabrielle!

Monday, 17 May 2004 - 10:16 AM BST

Name: Cyn
Home Page:

"Well, I could always promise to write something witty in the comments section... Or ever redirect you to my very own, non-daily and mostly non-witty blog.."

A mostly non-witty blog written by you?
That sounds most unusual.
Being a witty commenter is good, too.

Monday, 17 May 2004 - 3:01 PM BST

Name: Guest Blogger
Home Page:

Yes, my blog lives in non-witty obscurity, reserved for the likes of 'not quite star wars' blogs and 'today i had a cup of tea' diaries. Although I *don't* have any of those annoying little blinky button thingies that say 'I'm cute, cuddle me' or anything..

Or maybe that's where I'm going wrong.. Maybe I'll stick to being "The witty commenter extraordinaire" that everyone loves.

Monday, 17 May 2004 - 4:15 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

I've been trying to convince GB to out herself and reveal her true blogdentity, Cyn. She's got till Monday evening to find a place to hide....

Monday, 17 May 2004 - 7:15 PM BST

Name: Guest Blogger
Home Page:

Ach! Nobody's interested anyways, Vanessa.. lol.. Better to just leave it as it is methinks ;op

Tuesday, 18 May 2004 - 6:43 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Oh. Spotted that comment a bit late, didn't I?!

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