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Wednesday, 14 January 2004


Now Playing: nothing

It struck me between the eyes when Friendly Stranger wrote:
I haven't felt anything intensely in a long time. That realization is kind of shocking. Joy? Elation? Where's the pain? Hate? Anger? Lust?
A person does feel those, yeah? They do feel those types of emotions on a regular basis, right? I don't know when the last time I felt those was. It's different from the numb drone of day to day. The slow deadening of self that comes from the Singular Routine.

Yesterday I deleted seven and a half thousand emails. Then I threw away all the music I'd collected in my teens and twenties. Every bit. After that, I listened to an orchestral piece that was left in my car, that I can't stop listening to again and again.

Currently, my day is all pain, hate, anger, upheaval, loss, separation, denial - all extreme emotions, and it's the most wearing thing. I spend every minute of my day trying to numb and deaden everything back into that droning routine, because too much drama is exhausting to the emotions, the spirit and the self. It has the same effect. I blog to get away from it.

Sorry, that's completely irrelevant, I know, it just struck me that we were both feeling emotionally anaesthetised, but for the most separate of reasons.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 8:06 AM GMT
Updated: Wednesday, 14 January 2004 8:07 AM GMT
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Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 11:25 AM GMT

Name: Pan
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WOW! All the music from your teens & twenties!! If I did that I would have about 3 albums left. It's radical surgery, but obviously you have your reasons.

Don't try to deaden the senses too much - you might just get what you wish for. Break ups, especially hideously drawn out long winded affairs are pretty traumatising, but one day it *will* be over. Just keep thinking about that day. I've wished several times that I could just fast forward through the months of misery I know are coming to the point where you feel OK again, but alas it can't be done.

And besides - there is something wonderfully cathartic about a 3 month extended misery wallow of eating worms.

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 12:03 PM GMT

Name: Legomen
Home Page:

There is no escaping the bad stuff sometimes and not even words can alter the pantsness of it all. There will be an end to it though and that will be when you can look back and go "I felt that way then but I don't now"

In addition, I've just rediscovered my old cassette storage box in the roof.
Johnny Hates Jazz, Genesis, Ten Years After, Level 42, Eurythmics, Motorhead, Gary Numan and Dire Straits.
And I have all my old Punk 45s!!!! Shame I can't play the vinyl now...

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 1:29 PM GMT

Name: cape

This, too, shall pass. I promise you.

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 3:47 PM GMT

Name: courtenay
Home Page:

whatever you do, dont start sniffing glue...

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 4:14 PM GMT

Name: Joe

And please don't start huffing paint. :)

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 8:27 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Oh god, I watched that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie, Love Liza, the other day, (*spoiler below) - never was a more depressing movie made (apart from Mike Leigh's Naked). If ever I was about to turn to the glue, that movie put me off.

[* about the geek whose wife shoots herself in the face, and he gets addicted to sniffing gasoline because he can't bring himself to read her parting letter, and his m-i-l steals everything he owns, he loses his job, and then when he decides he will read the letter, he accidentally burns it and his house down (the gasoline, remember?), and ends up wandering the freeway naked and insane.]

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:41 AM GMT

Name: Rose
Home Page:

You are a Cancer; I feel that way oftentimes...

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 5:02 AM GMT

Name: Rose
Home Page:

Knight in Shining Armour

Overpowering emotions
swaying to and fro,
conquering the unconquerable -
my spirit and soul.

I await my freedom
from the angst
and despair,
a glimmer of hope/
a ray of light;
I await for
my knight in shining armour -
my true self
to emerge.

Copyright C. Rose Aguilar, 2004

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 7:44 AM GMT

Name: Rose
Home Page:

Actually, I like this better.

Conquering the Unconquerable

Overpowering emotions
swaying to and fro,
conquering the unconquerable -
my spirit/soul.

Copyright C. Rose Aguilar, 2004

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 8:52 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cheers. If you're American (as everyone seems to be, these days), you must be up really really late.

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