1) In the last 3 years how long (Alaskan trekking expeditions excepted) have you gone without washing your hair?
One day. My hair mings if I don't wash it every day.
2) How long past its sell-by is the oldest item in your fridge?
There's an aubergine that's three weeks old. I couldn't swear to the parmesan, either.
3) How many items are there on your bedroom floor that shouldn?t be there?
Do we count cats? More than a thousand. My house is being 'spring cleaned' by my Wickedex, which in effect means if she has a temporary fit of rage at me or any memory of me, things get thrown at my bed. Yesterday: every coat I ever owned. The day before: curtains.
4) How long do you go before cleaning behind the U-bend?
Three months, and that's me trying.
5) The patter of tiny feet tell you the mice are back. How long till you can be bothered to put down traps / poison?
One day. I shriek like a wally - a real girlie high-pitched shriek and jump high if I see a mouse. Back when I first came out, and was trying to be butch, this was highly embarassing. Now I've accepted that I'm irrefutably a girlie girl, where are the mice? Exactly.
6) The cast of Will & Grace are coming over for supper. How long will you take to clean beforehand? How long should you take?
My friend Harvardboy pretty much is the cast of Will and Grace, blended. I got into a habit of only ever tidying up if he was coming round, because he doesn't do tact, and names and shames loudly. So I know for a fact that it takes four hours. When he emigrated, I had to grow up and occasionally clean for myself.
7) There?s a dead computer monitor in the corner of the bathroom. How long will it take you to have it disposed of?
Nine months. It might prove useful. I could collect toenail clippings on it. Actually, I have two dead computers at the moment. I think Wickedex threw one out this week that had been out of action for two years. Oh dear.
8) How long do you go before cleaning the kitchen floor?
Twelve months. It's not that dirty! I sweep it occasionally. But clean it? I've only done that once.
9) Carrying the laundry through a pair of worn socks falls off in the hall. How long can they stay there without feeling an urge to pick them up?
Two minutes. Ugh. Socks are dooooorrrrrrrty.
10) How long can a saucepan of vegetable soup remain covered and undisturbed on top of the stove?
One day. And then I feel rank. I hate bad hygiene when it comes to food. Vegetarians are the worst - their fridges are health hazards. Yeeeuch.
11) You see a cockroach. How long till you?re on the phone to the bug man?
A millisecond. I can't stand them. Ugh. Shivering at the thought.
I once lived above a chip shop in Wood Green (the greek one on Turnpike Lane, if you're wondering) that was utterly infested with cockroaches. Arabic flatmate would leave stews out all night, and they'd go into a feeding frenzy. I had to switch lights on and stamp feet at the doorway before entering the kitchen, to encourage them to hide. Unfortunately insect brains are small, so they'd hide their heads behind a bit of lettuce, leaving the other two inches in full view. Hideous.
A few years ago, I dreamt there was a roach in my kitchen here, and freaked - everything I eat comes out of sealed tupperware containers, now.
12) Do you have dirt under your fingernails right now?
I ate too many clementines, and my left thumbnail has turned slightly orange. It's minging.

So ... what? Am I a lazy slut, or an honorary gay man?