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Tuesday, 30 December 2003


Now Playing: The King of Comedy

I really need to go to bed but I can't warm this house up. The heating has been on full strength for five hours, I shut all windows, curtains, doors - and my feet are still freezing. Bitter experience teaches you there's no sleep for someone with cold toes.
I'm going to watch the King of Comedy. I'm going to wonder if it's possible to blog like Rupert Pupkin speaks. I'm going to put more and more wintry layers on. I'm going to wait doggedly for warmth to occur.
Why the hell won't the place warm up? There are holes in the attic/roof, true, but I pulled the creaking attic door shut, and it's heavy. We haven't shut, let alone locked the front door for five or six months now, till tonight. That should have heated things, up, surely? And the constant bloody kettle boiling (for a parentally influenced heavy tea habit) should have heated the air a little.
The end of my nose is cold, and I can't feel my heels any longer. Wonder if I have a bobble hat somewhere. Or gloves? My sister's mate got her and her bf a hands holding glove for a present. It's like a muff, but for two separate people's hands. I think pockets are more romantic, personally, but it has that certain care in the community touch that hugging someone lacks.
Now I'm bloody sniffling, and my cats have hunkered down on top of each other for body warmth, then jammed themselves down the crack in the sofa cushions. Perhaps when I hoovered, I removed a crucial layer of insulation from the flat's internal casing?
Last night I dreamt that Elsie of Coopblog and Maccers were having an affair and each blogging their side of a break up. Perhaps it's better to have cold toes than mad blog-related dreams like that. Jebus, my mind is wandering, like someone delirious after being caught up in an avalanche.
Okay, panic stations, I'm going to sit inside a sleeping bag till I feel warm. An upside down sleeping bag, with the toe section unzipped so my face can poke out.
I need a nose warmer. If I had an airline eye-shade I could use that to cover my nose. Hey, I have some old slippers in the shape of fluffy bunnies! That's the toes sorted. If only I had leg warmers. Christ, there's a phrase I never thought to utter again, eh?
Damn my eyes for running out of hot chocolate and not replacing the jar. Tea just isn't as good as cocoa at warming you up. Cooking something might help (my kitchen opens onto my living area), but I ran down all the food supplies before I left, so it would be easier to not stuff my face like a porker when I returned. There's some stale bread and two very very old slices of prosciutto. I don't think you can bake those.
Why doesn't my newly acquired layer of subcutaneous mince-pie related fat help protect me from this cold? Now I'm feeling the chill in my shoulder muscles. And I have teeny tiny shoulder muscles - I'd have to be dying of hypothermia to feel cold in something so small.
I could give up entirely on this room and try hiding beneath the water level in a hot bath. Except the boiler is dicy lately, and I'd have to turn the heating off for thirty minutes before i could get any hot water. The drizzling snot beginning to drip out of my damp cold nose would icicle over ages before that.
Whyyyyyyyy did no-one get me fluffy insulated knickers for Christmas? Those purple net frilly efforts from DKNY look pathetic in the face of the below zero temperature onslaught now. It can't be going to snow - it never ever snows at Christmas in South England, let alone in London, the warmest bit of the UK. We have hail or grey sleet at best. Not snow. And anyway, the temperature ups a bit when it's snowed. This is ice temperature. I was going to drive in to work tomorrow and do some extra unpaid stuff to be readier for Monday. But the heating will be off till Monday afternoon - doesn't sound exactly inviting.
They say that just before you die (of hypothermia, natch), your life flashes before your eyes. One particular snug woolly item is flashing balefully at me this chilly minute.
One of the things that precipitated my split with Wickedex (apart from, like, her telling me she'd split up with me, of course) was The Gift she brought me back from her eight weeks in Australia. She said they were trendy. She said everybody out there wears them. In response to my raised eyebrows of utter disdain, she said only young twenty something types wear them.
That my granny horror was unfounded. Here they are: Ugg boots.

Sexy, huh? There's the sort of present you want your object of desire to associate with you in dark and lonely foreign climes.
I showed just the pic to my mum and she nearly peed herself laughing. That was one of those Horrified Moments that you remember forever. I looked at what she'd bought me, and knew that anyone - ANYONE - who could buy me such a present was never going to have sex with me again.
Just my sodding luck that six months later Kate Moss is wearing them. Well I bet Jefferson Hack begs her to burn them nightly. They'll not have a second child till she's burnt the damn things. Hell, now he's seen her in them, even Kate Moss will have been uglified by them. No Sex Ever Again for Kate. Till the granny slippers are gone. Jeez, can I ramble on any more? My brain is icing over.
Bloody hell, though, those slippers look warm now. Brrrrrr!

This page graced by sarsparilla at 1:43 AM GMT
Updated: Tuesday, 30 December 2003 2:01 AM GMT
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Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 6:55 AM GMT

Name: Lux

Disjointed comments:
1. You didn't save the slippers? Where are they now?
2. I've often thought about inventing a nose warmer, since I've never seen such a thing and there have been many times when I've needed one.
3. Hand-holding gloves? I think I may puke.
4. I've heard it's damp in London, though I've never been. Would a dehumidifier help? I'm thinking of my parents' basement, which is always cold and dank and even though it's finished and has couches and real walls and a real floor, no matter how many clothes/blankets you put on, it's impossible to get warm down there. Miserable feeling.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:53 AM GMT

Name: Cyn
Home Page:

My feet got cold just while reading this. Had to go put on some wool socks.
I have the same query in re: the Uggs. I have a feeling though, that they are as much history as the Wickedex. Pity (about the Uggs).
Nose warmer is a great idea. There's been times where every part of my body is sufficiently warm except my nose.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 11:12 AM GMT

Name: billy
Home Page: it cold??...what you need is one of those knitted balaclaves that the sas wear (or bank robbers) that just has holes for your eyes and mouth - that should keep your nose warm...if you don't have one lying round the house (and I must ask - why not) then shirley you have a leg warmer :^)...cut holes in that...what with those *sexy* slippers and a leg warmer on your head I'm sure you'll attract someone to come keep the rest of you warm :^), I'm off to change me cardigan for the one with the bigger buttons and put on me tigger slippers :^)...

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 1:38 PM GMT

Name: daaave

Sorry - I wish I could say that I was freezing too in sympathy, but it's nice and toasty here.

Which is all to the good seeing as how I'm ill and had to cancel a hot date :-(

Ah well, something to look forward to for the new year i guess!

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 3:32 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I've just realised that I put on a stone's weight in four days at my family's house, so I'm desperately trying not to feed myself warmer. It took till 5am for the place to warm up, so I've been asleep most of the day.
Let me know if you want to borrow my Ugg boots to impress your hot date, won't you?

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 3:38 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Lux asked:
You didn't save the slippers? Where are they now?
Now you have to understand the intricate political machinations of splitting up with a partner of nine years standing. I wore them the one time in the picture, then put them under the chair next to me now. They've stayed there ever since as a reminder to me, and as a reproach to her. Over the next few weeks, we're clearing the flat out to be sold, and putting things into storage. I'm not touching them. At some point she has to either take them, thus taking, too, the Curse of The Ugg Boots, or admit the horror that she wreaked, and throw them away.

Hand-holding gloves? I think I may puke.
Yeah, that was probably the giver's intention. My sis and her bf are sweet together, though. And he humiliates her ritually by calling her Snowflake, so I like him.

I've heard it's damp in London, though I've never been. Would a dehumidifier help?
Depends where you're comparing it to. I'm sure it's not as damp as monsoon country, for instance. But yeah, it drizzles a lot. Humidifiers make it feel even more damp. I think it'll be fine once the flat warms up, though - it just lost it's slight retained heat and made itself feel empty.
And if you ever do come to London, let me know! :o)

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 3:40 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cyn said: I have the same query in re: the Uggs. I have a feeling though, that they are as much history as the Wickedex. Pity (about the Uggs).
I'm so glad you phrased it that way, Cyn - thank you!
Would you like some Ugg boots? US size 8. Only slightly cursed.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 3:41 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Lol, I tried your advice, Billy, and now me and the local homeless lunatic granpa are getting married. He promises as long as I have whisky to keep me warm and smelling slightly of pee.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:14 PM GMT

Name: billy
Home Page:

...that's not some homeless gran'pa type figure - that's ME!!!!!...and it's not pee - it's denim, the mark of a man :^)...

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:24 PM GMT

Name: Lux

Oh, nine years? I didn't realize. That's rough. Ugg boots and two cats is most definitely a Curse to be reckoned with. Why not put each cat in a boot and send them down the Thames?

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:28 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Lol!!!! Why not, indeed... :o)

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:45 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Hah! I used to fancy the woman in the ads for 'Tweed, by Lentheric'. And the Charlie Girl, come to think of it.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 7:46 PM GMT

Name: paul
Home Page:

My god. Skinny legs and all. They are a nightmare. I can't believe she thought they were trendy or that you fell for that obvious bold faced lie.

Kate Moss was already ugly.

How could a sleeping bag NOT be warm? I sweat in mine! And I have worn my moccassins to bed before, when it was really cold. But never socks. Or if I do wear socks, I take them on no matter how cold I am.

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 8:27 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

They are indeed the worst thing any one you want to sleep with could ever give you.

I just can't sleep with cold toes. Brrrr! They take twenty minutes longer than any other body part to warm up.

And Kate Moss *used* to be lush!

Tuesday, 30 December 2003 - 11:02 PM GMT

Name: Martin Sewell
Home Page:

The boots might be fashionable...but, as you say, slippers are (and always will be) slippers.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 12:57 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

There's too fine a line between ankle high Uggs and old lady fleecey bootees.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 1:14 AM GMT

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

Those last ones you linked look pretty comfy actually.. not like granny bootees at all... I have some special climbing socks for when I have cold feet (which is pretty often).. I used to have a human radiator too.... **sniffle** but now she's gone (round about the same time yours did), I'm also having my first winter for a long time without anyone to warm me up :-( That's really what it's about, innit?? You're really just advertising for a human radiator for winter - throwing in the granny slippers just to show you have a sense of humour, are trendy, and shave your skinny legs...
What a good idea! I may do the same.... THough I need a snotball exterminator first....

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 1:58 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

DAMMIT: I was wondering tonight in the bath (right after wondering why I hadn't gone out to the lesbian party I was invited to) why I no longer blogged in metaphors, like I always used to back in July when I started this thing.

And damn your eyes, Lemonpillows, you went right ahead and spotted one. My sex life is symbolised by some fleecey granny bootees. Aaaarrrrgh.

Okay, I will kill the snot balls for you, if you send me human sized hot water bottle replacements. Deal?

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 2:09 AM GMT

Name: Martin Sewell
Home Page:


Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 2:15 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

ROFL! I've always wanted to be the fat tranny in Monty Python. My beard is coming along nicely.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 3:01 AM GMT

Name: e
Home Page:

Well, these are the reasons, I think:
1) Lack of insulation- common in most British houses of a certain age
2) damp- easily remedied with a dehumidifer; a friend living in the dampest croft in Dumfriesshire swears that dehum,idfying drops your heating costs dramatically, and she has to watch pennies a lot.
3) draughts- through floorboards with gaps, single glazed windows, cold walls. London Victorian housing stock *shudder*
4) wear a hat if you want to warm your feet- sounds mad, but 30% of your body heat bla bla bla; in bed, snuggle the blanket/quilt around your head- it works a lot faster than a hot water

The expense I'd be most tempted to pursue would be the dehumidifier; try renting one for a few days (any small equipment hire would have them) and see if it makes a difference.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 3:07 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

The ex left an embarrassing hat, so I'll try that one first. My falt is modern, not Victorian (post war East End bombsite stock), but I'd be surprised if it were insulated. It has double glazing only because myself and the other residents paid for it to be put in.
I'll look at the prices of humidifiers and ask around, but I couldn't be more skeptical about them (unless they were actually Buddhist humidifiers, actually).
Cheers for the suggestions, Purple E!

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 9:13 AM GMT

Name: dave

Well, I was ill enough to lose half a stone, and I'll pass on the booties I think. (Though it was warm here cos I accidentally seem to have left the heating on for three days solid.)

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 12:26 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Aha! I'm too stingy to do that - have been switching it off when I finally sleep. Although I want to be warm enough to get to sleep, I hate the furry head you get when you wake up in an over heated room.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 2:35 PM GMT

Name: e

DE-humidifier, Vanessa! Not humidifier- you can get those as well, but they'll have the opposite effect. And damp markedly increases one's perception of cold- it certainly worked well in my friend's house. You should be able to hire one relatively cheaply to see if it is that- with the heating on full blast, I don't see what else it could be...

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 6:47 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ohhhh-h-h-h-h ..... do I get brownie points for being so polite when people kept apparently asking me to humidify my cold wintry rooms, though?

Duh me.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 7:05 PM GMT

Name: Lux

Ah, furry head. I hate that too. Almost as bad as sticky head, which occurs when you sleep past noon.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 7:11 PM GMT

Name: Lux

hahaha... of course you do. Seriously, the DEhumidifier can work wonders.

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 7:53 PM GMT

Name: Cyn
Home Page:

May I get points as well, for thinking, dear lord, this woman can't be as dense as she is seeming, but instead politely waiting for you to catch on to the DE in dehumidifier?

Wednesday, 31 December 2003 - 10:05 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Hehe ... I blame my spiralling sugar intake.

Thursday, 1 January 2004 - 12:45 AM GMT

Name: e

Think nothing of it. Happy New Year!

Thursday, 1 January 2004 - 1:40 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

No, no, no, the worst is fuzzy head, when you go to sleep at 6pm, and wake at 9pm, not knowing your own name any more.

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