march 27, 2006 ~ i so did not want to go back to classes today! it took everything i had to get motivated, but alas, i did it, because i must! thankfully, i ran into my ethics instructor and got the results from my last exam. woo-hoo! me, i rocked it! i did much better then i thought, which is good. but i was right when i spoke in my video and said that the last two weren't as good. there was a comment something to the effect that i could have elaborated. well duh, if i would have had more time i could have written a book about it all. but at least it gives me an idea of what's expected for tomorrow. i feel much better about that.

back to the religion class front...oooh, i was made so mad today! ok, so we had to go to a webpage to get our next reading assignment which in and of itself isn't a big deal. i went, i got it, it's done. well i kinda read through it but not the entire thing. for one, i have horrible problems with reading comprehension (as i've explained in the past-although that is part of the journal that got deleted and not carried over. WHAT was i thinking?!) so i could read it through five times and still basically not have a clue. so i wait until we've had class and there has been some disucssion. at least then i have some foundation when i go through to read it. anyway, we get to class and he asks who has it. like the good student i am, i raise my hand. he tells everyone who doesn't have it that their time would be best used by going to the library and reading it. then he asks who, out of those who have it, have actually read it? well i'm not going to lie so i too, along with a few others, get directed to the library to read. first off, that left very few in the class, so i'm not sure how much more beneficial it was to send everyone off rather then to have at least some dicussion. but that's not the point that bothers me the most. i was so pissed i just left. screw the library i can read at my house. i don't care anymore that was such a waste of my time and my money (in the way of gas in the car to get back to the school just for that class then back home again). listen, i pay tuition. if not for our tuitions these instructors would not even have a job. seriously. it frustrates me so much that i'm not allowed to make what i want out of a course i paid for. what does he care if i read it or not? i mean, crap, he doesn't give a fuck that i have no foundation knowledge, i can't keep up with the reading, the tutor is nice but not a huge help since i don't understand it in the first place, or about the fact that i had a solution to the problem (remember the tape recorder incident?) and yet, that wasn't allowed. seriously, if you fall behind in that class one day and aren't given some way to get caught back up you're screwed. i've never felt so lost before in a class. seriously i have no clue. but the fact still remains that if i want to sit in the class and hear the instruction/conversations first before i read so that i have a greater understanding, who's business is that? if he doesn't care about the other issues and my attempts to fix the problem is it really, at this point, such a big deal that i was going to stay in class without having read the readings? ok, i've vented enough on this topic.

curses to the friend who introduced me to a bondage site i now regularly visit. yes, secretly, my friends, i've been keeping you out of the loop. i'm a kinkster. i think. ok, so i haven't yet figured it all out. i do, however, know enough to know what "vanilla" means! *lol* fyi it means non-kinksters, as in plain..hence the word vanilla. but i digress. the point is that i'm almost consumed with it. there is something inherently hot about this type of lifestyle. most aspects of it are not "acceptable" which in and of itself makes it very appealing to me. i'm trying to figure out if i'm more of a submissive/slave or a switch. to me there is something beautiful about giving over complete control of your body to someone else. granted, within most relationships of this kind, though not all, there are some hard limits, which i would also have. the point is, that you're finding someone who realizes that their responsibility is completely for your well being and that in return, there is nothing of you that they can't have. there is nothing that you wouldn't do for them. part of being a Master, though, from what i can gather so far, is that it also involves training. to my knowledge that can be training in all areas if the purpose is to better your "role" (for lack of a better word at this moment. what can i say, i'm still learning). i was speaking with someone and the idea came around of me not being allowed to talk in my ethics class, because i am usually so vocal in there. for one week i would not be allowed to speak but only to listen. ok, first off, let me say how very extremely arousing i find this idea. some of you are asking yourself "why?" or "wtf?!" at the moment, but it's best not to; for even i'm not completely sure why. but as usual i have some ideas. so let me share. *lol* first off, my life started off without control for the most part. moving from home to home, no stability, court dates, more foster homes, group homes, living on my own, no idea of what one day to the next would bring. it always seemed that i had no control over anything so i over compensated and tried to start controlling everything! my life has been this journey of trying to find some peace in a world that was just blazing by me at full speed ahead. sometimes i wonder now if that's why this is so appealing to me. this idea of giving up some control and trusting someone else to do what is right for me. trusting that someone finally cares enough for me to see that i don't get hurt (which is a paradox in and of itself, since there is typically a lot of pain involved in the sexual aspect, but i'll get to that in just a moment). secondly, aside from it being hot, i think it could teach me a very valuable lesson. when i first went into foster care, it was as if everyone had a say but me. the bio witch egg donor, the sperm donor, caseworkers, lawyers, judges, "staff" members, and any other number of adults, but never once me. i learned very quickly that if i wanted to be heard i needed to speak up. i had to decide what i wanted and i had to scream it from the rooftops. it mattered not to me what anyone else had to say. i just wanted to be heard and i would do whatever it took to not just be heard but to have everyone come around to my way of thinking. if the screaming didn't work, the crying would, and usually i would get my way. (although, typically just the loud talk would be enough) that has carried over into my "adult" life. so often i find it difficult to sit back and just listen. to realize that no matter what another thinks it's ok, i can still feel how i feel and they don't have the power to take over my life if i disagree with them and can't get them to see things my way. perhaps this will be a way for me to see all those things. to just once, take a deep breath, and say "no matter what they say, no matter how much i disagree, i don't have to force them to see things my way. their thoughts have no control in my life so what does it matter if we agree or not. simply listen. finally hear " (what others are saying to me). The thing is, I don't want it to affect my grade, so guess I need to look into that since the class basically is discussion based. the thing is, how do you ask your instructor if you can go a week in their class without talking and not have it affect your grade and not have them wonder why?! *lol* i just need to figure out how to do it so that if i'm asked i don't have to lie in my answer but i don't have to give all the information out that's not really necessary. eh, i'm a smart girl, i'll figure something out i'm sure.

ok, now on to the sexual aspect of it. this is where i'm having more trouble figuring out where i fit in. there is a part of me that would love nothing more then for someone to "own" me. yes, i really do know how that sounds. i was shocked when i found myself thinking, "gee, wouldn't that be nice". (ok, so i shouldn't have used quotes, i'm not sure that's exactly how i said it myself but you get the idea.) really, though, i think that perhaps it goes back to my general history of feeling that there was not ever one person in my life who treated me as they really loved me unconditionally and would value me and take care of me. i remember the bio witch egg donor constantly shoving castor oil down my throat to help me lose wieght telling me that i was fat and ugly and no one would ever love me because of that. i remember all the times that the "state" could just come in and yank me from wherever i was with no regard. no one ever stopped them. i was someone's toy. so you say, i'd be someone's "toy" now. well, perhaps, but the difference is, that toy or not, this person is taking on the responsibility to see that i'm taken care of completely. it's odd like that, you'd think that in a master/slave or dominant/submissive relationship that it's all about the "bottom" being the one to take care of the other completely, but when you really look at it, it seems to me that it's equal that way. very odd like that. in addition, there is something ...hmm, i'm not sure what word i'm looking for and whatever it is, it escapes me now, but there is something...that just seems to feel right about having someone control you during sex and do things that others would say are self-destructive. no big suprise here to those who have read my many journals regularly, but i've always found being slightly choked during sex extremely arousing. i always thought it had to do with the same reason i found someone sucking/biting on my neck very arousing and that is because it's such a very sensitive area. as i look back on other areas, though, i am reminded of a time that i was with a guy, i must have been early 20's, and i told him i wanted him to throw me up against the wall, slap me, and kiss me hard. it was a shock when the words came out of my mouth; both to him and myself. he said he felt odd about "hurting" me but after assuring him that he didn't have to beat me so hard i'd be left with a busted face, he gave it a try. i'm not sure why but that was so hot to me. perhaps my entire life i've been so use to pain that the combination of someone physically hurting me while at the same time kissing me the way i had been "taught" to kiss was what i really wanted because it was comfortable to me. pain was something i knew, something i could relate to, something that in some way tied the sexual experience to something real and tangible in my life. *sigh* i could probably sit here and try to explain it all night but i'm not sure that even i would completely understand it. on the other hand, sometimes i think i'd be a "switch" because there have been times when, at least sexually, i've been known to be a tad...what's the word...demanding? *lol* I took pleasure in seeing the pain (yet at the same time satisfaciton) of me ripping through his back with my fingernails leaving welts and at times drawing blood. I took pleasure in the way he would let me just do whatever it was I wanted. i don't know. if i was forced to make a choice i'm not sure i could. and who knows, perhaps this is all just a new, interesting, experiment phase for me, and as i learn more and explore more, the entire idea will turn me off. somehow, though, i don't see that happening but at the same time i can't explain why. and we all know how i thrive at analyzing things to death just to get to the "why". somehow, i think this is going to be a journey of self discovery i won't soon forget.

*comments? email me.

march 28, 2006 ~ took another ethics test today. eh. who knows, i did alright, but had the same problem i had before. i spent so much time on the first two that the last two were a bit lacking. but what can a girl do, huh? i also was able to bring up the comment of not talking in class. it went over fairly well i think, thankfully, no private information had to be given away. it won't effect my grade and right now that is the most important thing.

i'm helping to do some data entry stuff and i had to meet with the instructor setting it up to get the information i needed. i got the information and then was thinking i'd leave when they asked me a question. so we spent some time discussing what year i was, my major, and some topics we had discussed in class. not many of my instructors have gotten to know me. i know that's not part of their jobs, but just as human beings it's nice to know that you're not invisible. it was refreshing that someone took a few moments to see what i, as a person, and not just a student, was all about. sometimes i feel so odd in this school. i mean, i'm probably closer in age to many of the instructors but there is still this student/teacher dynamic that goes on. i suppose those who go to college for years and years and years experience the same thing, but i just find it odd. yes, i grasp the idea of boundaries. i mean, especially when you're younger it's a good thing to realize that there is a dynamic of an instructor who is in control (in a sense) and you, the student, whose job it is to show up, do the work and be good. as we get older, though, it seems odd to me that this dynamic is still there. although, as i type that i realize it's the same thing that happens with employment. now i'm not so sure what i think. on the one hand we're all adults and it would seem could interact as such equally, but there is always this underlying dynamic that one has more control then the other and we should just accept our roles. but... heaven forbid we should get to know people as just people instead of what labels they represent. *hmmm*. no conclusion yet, guess i need to ponder on it some more. (see, this is just another example of why i prefer 'writing' in my journal vs. putting it on film. i can stop in the middle and come back to it. when it's done on film it just seems silly.)

on another note a person recently asked me why i don't mention names in my blog. i have seen this done in other blogs and that's ok if that's their thing. i personally, see this is as my thing. yes, i have used the names of those who have given me their permission to do so, but other then that it's not something i would do. as was evident in my previous post, believe it or not, i do have a few secrets. i'm not ashamed of anything i've done in my life, life is about a series of experiences by which you grow and learn, but contrary to what is thought, there are still some things that are private to only me. yes, for the most part, all aspects of my life are on view for the world. i've learned, however, that sometimes there are things that must only be kept to yourself. especially when there are others involved. sometimes you have to weigh their welfare over that of being able to name them publically. i guess on some level it's the same reason i keep another's name to myself.

*comments? email me.

march 29, 2006 ~ ok, generally i try to leave my children out of my blog, because it's not about them, but every now and again i have to vent or brag. today, i'm going to brag! my daughter came home and told me that out of all the people in her class (she is out of elementary, so out of all in her grade, NOT just class) she, with only two other girls (and three boys, but they don't matter, they're only there to compliment the girls. *lol*) got chosen to do a group solo (not sure that's what you'd call it, but they'll be upfront with the microphones doing a special part themselves.) at their concert! i just don't think i could be any more proud. first she gets into the honor choir without evening having to audition like most because the teacher knows she's that good, and now, she gets to be part of the small group from all in her grade! i think my little heart may just burst! *lol* of course, i shouldn't be so suprised, i mean with my voice and her father's voice, she had to get something from that, right?! *lol* she doesn't think it's such a big deal, but i remember wanting to badly to be one of the few out front, near the mics, taking the lead. so maybe to her it's a not a big deal, but sure is to me! i, of course, called and invited everyone to her performance. she, of course, just rolled her eyes. *sigh* yep, she's my daughter.

ok, so now on to me...because, when we get right down to it, isn't that what it's really all about? *lol* overall today was alright. we had to watch this little show in psychology of learning that was about the guy that the movie "the horse whisperer" was based on. the general idea is a good one, that you can change behavior through patience and that really there is never a reason to use physical force to change a behavior. ok, so i'm sitting there watching the movie and i start thinking to myself, what's the difference? ok, ok, ok...before the hate e-mail rolls in. i do realize there is a difference between beating the shit out of someone to make a point and being patient with them to make one. but really, in the end, the result is the same. how can this be you ask? well in my mind, no matter how you go about it, the behavior changes because the person gives up. now this guy, he says that people who make these changes (as do horses) do so because they want to, not because they're being forced to through physical measures. i don't buy this. see, this guy, he chases these horses around until finally they have to surrender. they have to say, "i give up". (yes, i realize that horses don't really talk.)in his relationships with others, it's the same concept. if a child misbehaves he was out digging ditches or some other consequence until finally it wasn't necessarily that the child wanted to make the change, but rather, that he just gave up. it was easier to surrender then to continue. ok, so now, let's look at those with whom we use physical punishment such as spanking or hitting. his theory is that the behavior changes (or the horse surrenders) because they are being forced to. i would agree with that, but how is that any different then being forced to change through surrender because it is easier then any other consequence we get? i'm in no way saying that there aren't additional negative effects to using physical punishment to force change, and i don't think that people should use that for the most part.(although a good swat on the butt if a child is running for a street full of moving vehicles isn't wrong either) but if all we're talking about is being forced to do something vs. choosing to do it, there is no difference. people aren't really choosing to change because they want to but because it's easier no matter what the consequence/punishment is. it is easier to surrender then to continue on. in a way, physical punishment or not, they're still being forced to change because that is easier. ok, now i'm just repeating myself. guess that's just because i grasp it in my head what i'm trying to say, but i'm not sure others will follow my logic. *blah* i hate that! this isn't on the topic of what i was discussing, but can i just say, that i sit in the last seat in the row of desks. there is this girl ( i won't say which one, but no she's not right in front of me) whose back end i can see every class. this typically is not a problem, but it becomes a problem when i have to see her friggen granny panties! for lordy's sake, girl, pull your damn pants up, wear a longer shirt, put on a thong (at least that's somewhat attractive to look at) or take the damn underwear off! how can someone NOT know that their underwear is showing? I am so paranoid about that kind of thing. granted, i rarely wear panties, and i sure as heck don't wear granny panties when i do, but still, i'm always paranoid about if my pants are up far enough and my shirt down low enough. ok, i'm done venting on that now.

i'm so happy that i finally agreed to go hang out with someone! i mean, seriously, i totally had my whole life on hold, waiting for someone else, that i had lost all sense of me. all sense of the things i use to enjoy doing. i just feel so alive now! i feel like i'm finally back out there living life. *hmm* who could have thought that feeling would come back to me without sex? amazing.

*comments? email me.

march 29, 2006 (evening) ~ i had forgotten earlier that i had wanted to talk about how odd our religion instructor was today. he just seemed overly happy. if he could be that way everyday, i think i could learn to really like him. *lol* ok, not only did he appear to be like in a good, laid back, easy-going mood, but he also taught in a bit of a different way. well, at least i think he did. i mean, instead of just walking in and saying, "what can i help you with" he actually did some good old fashioned instruction. pointing out references in the reading, writing on the board, everything! if i hadn't been laughing so hard and smirking so much through most of the class, i might have actually fainted due to the shock! well i wasn't actually smirking because of him, just in general. i have this bad habit of doing that when people say stupid shit. i know it's wrong, but it's almost a "thank god i'm not that stupid, you dumbass" smirk. *lol* and it had nothing to do with the actual content of what we were discussing that i would do that, but rather, off handed comments that were made. ok, so once i did smirk at him specifically. it was the beginning of the class kind of and he was going to ask a question and he said something to the effect that he wanted honest answers, not just what we thought he wanted to hear. i only smirked because i thought "surely by now he realizes that i have no problem with that". (i need only remind everyone of the question regarding why more people didn't do better on the first exam! *lol*) it didn't matter this time as the question ended up not being directed at me. seeing as how i was ready to blow off some steam anyway, i was a bit disappointed.

i got to thinking for awhile today that i might possibly be a more vicious and angry person then i like to let on. on an almost regular basis there is at least one person i come in contact with that i would like nothing better then to slap the shit out of them! reminds of this shirt i saw that said "everyday i'm forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off." on the one hand i think i have a lot to be angry about. but then i think, when am i going to just build a bridge and get the hell over it. the thing is, that's way easier said then done. it's like, you have this thing just building up in you and you can't deal with that, so all these little things just top it off and you blow up about those. i don't always intentionally mean to get so angry over the small stuff, but i can't get over the big thing either.

sometimes, i wish that i could lose my memory. i wish that it would just all wash away, like i could just drown. the thing is, that if that doesn't happen soon, i think i'm going to drown anyway. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this thing. i don't know, i guess everything in it's time right?

*comments? email me.

march 30, 2006

*hi there!
*animalistic sex
*guys as friends
*new webpage
*photos vs. poetry and how you see me
*exploring the other side
*this message is for you.

*comments? email me.

march 30, 2006~ ok, so i leave to go and get my child from school and sure enough i have to walk into a horrific rain storm. then it stops in time for me to pick him up and for us to go to the store. it started back up again though by the time it was time to get my daughter. it freaked me out, i hate servere weather time. i'm a chicken, i'll admit it. tornados and lightening scare me. my daughter finally gets there and hops in the car real quick like because the rain was coming down something awful. i just wanted to get home safely. just as we pulled up to my driveway the hail started. then would you know it, soon as we sit through that while waiting to pick up my daughter, drive through the downpour that didn't allow for seeing the car in front of you, and then running through the rain and hail to get inside...the rain stopped. *blah* that's the story of my life! and they all said in ethics class there wouldn't be any tornados. but there were. ha! *lol* i have a feeling this year is going to be something bad for tornados. i could be wrong (eh, it's been known to happen once or twice) and i hope i'm wrong...but i don't think so. ok, i'm scared now, someone hold me! *lol*

i forgot to mention when i was doing my video blog that i saw pretty woman again last night. i like that movie! is it sad that, that is my "cinderella" story? i mean, seriously, though. how much better does it get then that. in fact, forget the money, i'd settle for just richard gere even if he was scrubbing toilets at mc donald's. that man is friggen hot! (yes, i have something for distinguished, older gentlemen.) too bad he's gay though. well that, and he has no clue that i even exist. *lmao* a girl can dream, though, right?

*comments? email me.

march 31, 2006~so if you ever plan on wearing your "fuck me" pumps, make sure it's a day when you don't have to walk through rough terrain. *lesson learned*

*comments? email me.

march 31, 2006~ i'm serious, i couldn't make this up if i tried. i was bored and was surfing around when i came across this quiz. it was fun. with all i've talked about, how ironic is it that this is my stripping song? *lol*

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

*comments? email me.

feb 2006

april 2006

current journal