april 1, 2006~ happy april's day you fools! so i took the kids to see ice age 2. it was good, i liked the first one too. it was your basic fall off a cliff or run into an object humor but there were also a few lines that only the adults would get. we'll probably end up buying it when it comes out.
we got there a bit early because it was the first time i had been to this theater. so as we're sitting there i got to watch all the other people come in. a few adults together with no children but for the most part families. it was kind of sad. i sat there with my two and realized that my entire life revolves around them. i'm not saying that's in any way a bad thing. but it was sad, because it'd be nice to have another adult to share those things with. i guess i just remember how different i thought my life would be. how i would constantly say that i wasn't going to have children until i had finished college, got a great job, and had an awesome husband. someone who would spend the rest of his life with me and his children. things just didn't turn out that way though, and i deal. but it's still sad sometimes. another good/bad thing was all the children laughing. i know this sounds odd, but they started off with that stupid squirrel chasing that dumb nut again and he was getting stuck and always losing it and the entire room was filling up with laughter. just the sound of their laughter made me laugh too. (not so much the squirrel) children's laughter is an awesome thing! it made me feel young and hearing the laughter of my own children made my heart feel full. as it died off, though, it started being sad again realizing again how different i thought my life would be. how i always felt my family was too small and i had always wanted more children, and i won't have that now. *sigh* i hope my children do better then me. i hope they wait for the right one and settle down later in life and get married, have fulfilling jobs, as many children as they want (or none if they don't want any) and that they just accomplish all that they imagine they will. i don't want them to ever feel bad for just having a mother and not a father, but on the other hand, i hope they use that to their advantage. i hope they realize that even though i love them more then life itself, how much easier it is when you have someone to share the burdens and the joys with. even though one dream ended for me early on, i still have this one to hold on to. some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
april 1, 2006~ omg! i was finishing up a cigarette before heading off to bed when i started looking at some blogs and found this quiz. i can't believe it guessed my exact age!!! *lmao* so blah, to all you who say i don't act my age. i answered honestly, and the quiz said i act my exact age! go figure! *lol*
| You Are 31 Years Old |
 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
april 3, 2006~ so on the one hand i'm really happy, but i had to feel like an idiot to experience that joy! *lol* allow me to explain (you all knew i would anyway). so a few months back most of you should remember the "incident" where i locked my keys in my car. in the process of trying to get them out i ended up messing up my driver side door. i could no longer open it. so i've spent the last few months crawling across the front seat to get in and out. so i've decided that instead of purchasing a new car, i was going to try and fix up the one i have as i think it'll be less, and the engine and what not in this car is still good and probably has another good two years in her.
the car i have now, i like to call my "ghettomobile". it's done right by me. i've had it for 4 or 5 years now, and i only paid $1,250 for it. i'm not always the best about routine mainteance, but even with that, i've not had to spend much to fix it. very little work has had to be done. including what i paid for it, i don't think (up to this point, anyway) that i've even spent $2,500 on it. so i'd have to say i've gotten my money's worth. the problem is, she IS a ghettomobile. the windshield has been cracked the last few years, the muffler needs to be replaced, you have to hit the hood of the car just right and use a screwdriver to pop it open, this summer my windows decided that they had a mind of their own and would or wouldn't roll down whenever the mood hit them, until this fall when they decided they didn't want to work at all anymore, the a/c hasn't worked, and then the deal with the door.
so i decide that if i can fix the windows or get the a/c working all the other "problems" are things i can deal with one at a time. so i take the car to this shop i know to see if they can give me an estimate on fixing the door. off and on i've checked the door to see if it was working, and it never was. about three weeks ago or so, though, i started noticing that the door was cracking open more and more when i was driving, but still wouldn't completely open to let me get in and out. so i didn't think much of it. i take it in today, the guy comes to look at it..... and yep, you guess it. he grabs ahold of that handle and it comes right open! *doh!* i go "well, gee, all i have to do is drive it on the property and it's fixed, imagine that!" he says, "yep, that'll be $20." and we all stood around having a good laugh. i was so happy that i wasn't going to have to actually fix the door that i was doing the "happy happy joy joy" dance right there in the parking lot! the guys all thought it was funny and i didn't care. it just never crossed my mind to check the door ONE last time before having them take a look at it! i had checked it so many times with never any luck. so anyway, the guy oiled up the latch for me and told me all should be fine and sent me on my way. i'm happy now that's one less thing i have to fix and i don't have to crawl across the seat anymore!
on another note, i was feeling so lucky i thought i'd try the windows one more time. but alas, my luck had run out, they still weren't working. well, at least not until i get the a/c fixed, then they'll probably work. i mean, that's the story of my life! *lol* i'm happy, though, now that when the a/c guy goes to check things out, he won't have to crawl across the front see. when i called to see if they could take a look at it, i explained that body wise it wasn't the best car and that he'd have to crawl across the front seat. he say he didn't mind, but i'm still glad, nonetheless, that no one else will have to deal with that. i could just imagine people wondering why in the world i'd try to be fixing up a car where the windows don't roll down and the driver side door doesn't open! *lol* seriously, though, it drives well still. i just can't see putting out so much more money to get another one, when i can fix these ones at a reasonably low rate and know that the car is going to run. if i get another used one, there's no guarantee. then what would i do?
ok, so i'm done for now.
On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning and in the afternoon
the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won't ever happen again in our lifetimes.
*just thought i'd share* (and your welcome biotches.)
april 4, 2006~ look, i know that i said i was doing the locks of love thing because i wanted to help someone else, but i can't help but be a little bit selfish right now. my hair is now just at the tip of my shoulders, barely touching the top of them. perhaps if i wouldn't have permed my hair, i'd feel better about it. but as for now, i just want to get my own wig! i felt bad for the stylist who did my hair. when she finally showed it to me, i went into shock, and was, "omg, i think i'm going to cry!" i felt bad because i think she took it personal. i told her that it was in no way a reflection of the work she had done, that i just needed to get use to it. i thanked her and said it was fine, then bolted out of there before i started crying in front of everyone. look, i know it's not suppose to be all about me in this instance, but i can't but help to feel somewhat "less" now. i look old. granted, i just lost 10 inches of hair, and i haven't been able to really fix it, but still. *sigh*
april 5, 2006 
*way shorter hair
*locks of love
*religion instructor
april 5, 2006~ someone told me my video link wasn't working (of course it was, but i know how you boys have issues. *lol*) and when i went to make sure it was working, after i clicked on it, it started downloading. is it doing it that way for everyone? i've started using a new link so that i could keep stats, but stats aren't that important to me, and if it's making people download something rather then taking them right to the video page, then i'd rather just use the other link. so let me know. in addition, i realized that before it was elongating my face, and now it's smushing it all down and i think that's worse! it makes me look way fatter and shorter then i am, and we all already know what self image issues i have. *blah*
april 6, 2006~sometimes i feel like such an outcast i wonder why i can't be "normal" (whatever that is). perhaps normal isn't the right word. maybe i just want to be like the majority. most of the time i feel like my way of thinking puts me in the minority and even if it doesn't, my ability to play the "Devil's Advocate" and at least attempt to see things from the side of the minority way of thinking, makes me feel like an outcast.
i think my entire life i've wondered why i'm so different from everyone else. why couldn't i have just had the nice, typical, nuclear family of the times, looking like the nice skinny, blonde haired, blue eyed, girl next door. why did i have to be born to a set of fucked up egg and sperm donors, not go to any school for longer then a year, worry about where i'd be living from one day to the next? in the past i've always said that those differences have allowed me the ability to see things in a whole other light, and i embraced that. now, though, i wonder what it would have been like to just be "normal". *blah* end of that.
don't get me wrong, i love living in the united states. i feel i've been blessed to live in a country that allows me to speak my mind even if it is in disagreement with what everyone else says i should think. but why do we always have to be the bullies? why does the united states, as a whole, have to believe that their way of living is the only way, the best way? perhaps our many freedoms have taken from us some of the more basic, simple pleasures. we live in a society where most individuals want more, more, more, but it would seem we want it only for ourselves. who decided that the united states and our way of living is the best anyways? just because we're powerful that makes us the best? just because we can bully others into doing what we want, not so much because we really give a damn about them and their culture, but because it in some underlying way benefits us? i'm sure there are many reading this right now who are thinking, "well if you don't think we are the best, pack it up and trying living somewhere else". what i find so ironic about that, is that we live in a nation that values freedoms, and yet, when our beliefs or values are different from the majority, suddendly, we don't count and should just shut the fuck up. it seems to me we can't have it both ways. we can't live in a society that values freedom of speech and freedom of religion, and then when someone questions the values and religion of the majority, tell them they have no say. or, worse yet, that their say is unimportant, and if they don't like it they should just leave. isn't part of having such freedoms allowing others to question and analyze those freedoms? why does someone who disagrees with the "typical" ways of our society suddendly become unpatriotic? it seems to me that we are a society of theory only, but not of practice. perhaps, and this is just a thought, but perhaps there is a different way that is better. i don't know if there is or not. i think that it's a matter of individual choice, but what right do i have as an american to discount the culture and values of another? aren't i, according to american beliefs and values, to instead try to gain an understanding of other beliefs and cultures? perhaps, american's believe the way they do today because as each generation grows up and moves on, we forget what it was like for the generation before us. we look at their ways as outdated and restrictive because all we have known in our lifetime is our way. we fail to see that perhaps each generation has had something of value to offer. perhaps, in today's society of hustle and bustle, of newer and ever growing technologies, we forget about a time when we had real human contact. a time when we spent time with our families on something other then a cell phone or computer. instead, we don't understand that concept so it's automatically wrong.
i don't know, just some things to consider i guess. and to those of you thinking i'm completely off base and totally wrong (which i very well could be, i'm just documenting thoughts here). the great thing is we both live in america. we both can think what we're thinking, we can agree to disagree. we accept each other as individuals. no where is it written that one of us must be right. we're all different.
april 6, 2006~
| Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real" |
 You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get |
april 7, 2006~i miss him so much. i know i shouldn't. i know that i have to let him go. i can't. what i know in my head and what i feel in my heart are two different things, and each require a different course of action. i miss the way he tries to bring me back down when my mind starts racing and i can't seem to get a grasp on what really matters. i miss the way that he looks at me. i miss the way that we can never make it through an entire movie unless we're in a theater. i miss the way that even though he hates that i smoke if i want them, he'll buy them for me. (i know, bad for him, but good for me! *lol*) i miss the way that he tells me that i'm pretty even though i never believe him. (or anyone for that matter.) i miss the way that when we (attempt to) watch a movie at the house, and i'm resting my head in his lap as a pillow, he runs his fingers through my hair, or grabs a handful of it, or just rests his hand there. i miss the way he makes fun of me for grabbing a camera and taking too many photos of myself. i miss the way that he kisses me. i miss the way that when we have sex, he'll put his hand over my mouth and nose just briefly, because he knows that even though it scares me it also gets me really hot. i miss the way that he pulls me tightly to him in the morning when we're starting to wake up, it makes me feel like he wants me to stay there wrapped up in him forever. i miss the way we argue. *lol* there is so much i miss about him that the very thought of never having any of that ever again scares me into this spot i'm in now. this inability to move on. oh sure, i can still talk to others and attempt to make an effort to move pass him, but it doesn't work. everyone i meet has to match up to his standards, and of course, no one does. this is what i've chosen, though. i know that this is a course i've set myself upon.
on another note, i think that "'ol bessie" may have to be out to the junkyard. it makes me sad. i was really hoping that i could get things fixed relatively cheaply and not have to buy another car just yet. the a/c guy said it's going to cost about $600 or so to fix that. the windows, while they have started rolling down again, do so only when they want to. so even though i might get them to roll down they don't always roll back up or the other way around. and it's usually when i want them to the most. like the other day when it was real hot, they wouldn't roll down. then i finally got them rolled down and now that it's rainy and cold they won't roll back up. *blah* the muffler is going to cost about $150, the windows about $75 each, $60 to have the transmission flushed, and who knows what else. so the time has come. i'm gonna drive her until she dies and in the meantime just save up for something else. my foster dad always does really well finding decent, cheap cars at the auctions, so that's probably the route i'll go again. even though i got "'ol Bessie" from a dealer, he had gotten her from an auction and just done some body work. so really, i've had good luck. for spending less then $2500 (including what i paid to begin with to buy it) and having had it for over four years, and putting as many miles on it as i have, i couldn't really ask for much better luck.
tonight and tomorrow i'll be spending my time at an "exploring islam" forum. it should be interesting. we've already read some on Sayyid Qutb and i find his life fascinating. as usual i'm probably in the minority when it comes to his views on america. mostly his views that we are very materialist and we don't value community and family. our conversations are typically shallow and empty. well, that's what i got from it anyway. at first, i didn't even really want to go to this and wasn't going to make arrangements to do so, but i'm glad that i did now. it'll be interesting to hear more about his views from someone who has spent considerable time and effort researching and examing his life. i'm sure there will be more to come on this topic. i know, i know, you're all waiting with bated breath. *lol* (fyi...bated is the correct spelling although it has become commonplace-however wrong- to spell it baited.)
april 10, 2006~today was awesome! the sun was shining, i caught up on my laundry, scrubbed the floors, put up the trampoline for the kids, and wrote two papers! i hung the laundry outside today. it was windy enough that by the time i had one load up and was ready with another, the first load was already dry! i know, i know, it seems like such a stupid little thing. but it was great it this odd domesticated way. *lol* i love the smell of laundry that's been rinsed in fabric softener and dried outside in the fresh air. putting up the trampoline was an experience! when we moved, my (foster) brother in law took it down himself and he completely took it apart a different way then what we're used to. so i had to try and figure it all out again. it was a great adventure for my daughter and i to work on together and we got it finished, all by ourselves even! *lol* i did break a nail which kind of bummed me out, but a small price to pay i suppose. i'm glad that warmer weather is finally here. it makes me happy again. (well as happy as i know how to be i suppose.)
april 12, 2006~i changed the music now. it's "ordinary" by saving jane. in addition, i've added a player so those of you who just can't stand the music (or it's disruptive at work or wherever you may be) you can turn it off. from time to time i'll probably change the music to whatever catches my fancy.
aside from my irrational fear of getting a fish hook caught in my eye and having my eyeball ripped out of it's socket and being ate by a fish (which i've discussed before, and yes, i know it's an irrational fear) i also have this horrific fear of being wrong. i hate looking stupid. i hate looking unintelligent, although i'm sure i've looked that way more than once or twice in my lifetime. i'll be the first to admit that i'm not intelligent as i think i have some people fooled into believing. i once had someone tell me that it wouldn't do any good to give me an IQ test because i'd mess it up on purpose, just so no one would know how smart i was. i think he was wrong then and i still think he's wrong. in fact, i'd be more afraid of doing the best that i could do and having everyone find out i'm not as intelligent as they think. i joke around alot and say that i don't act as smart as i really am because then people will actually expect something from me. at least this way, if i do say or do something intelligent, it's like a shock and everyone compliments me. the truth is, though, it's not always an act. don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm dumb as a doorknob. (although some mean girls have said that to me a time or two. but what do they know.)i think that i have enough book smarts to "get by". i know just enough to make it sound like i have a clue what i'm talking about. the truth is, though, that i managed to slide through learning in school because 1) i moved so much and 2) i think there's something about me that makes people (more so men then women) feel this need to "do" for me or "take care of me". so often, they (male students and sometimes teachers) would just tell me the answer(s) or let me off the hook. at the time i appreciated it, but now, i feel it wasn't such a great thing.
i'm sure that it's just because i'm in college again that i'm having these feelings. i always felt adequate enough before, but now i'm constantly doubting myself. i think even more so now that i've dropped my religion class. i feel like a failure. in my three other classes, i'm getting two A-'s and one B. to admit defeat and withdraw from the class (because a "w" looks better on my transcripts then a "f" or "no credit") means i'm a failure. it means i'm not as intelligent as i like to think i am. at least, that's how i see it. because of that, it wouldn't matter if i was getting all A+'s. the fact would still remain that i failed at something. in my mind, it negates anything else i do.
in addition, this fear of appearing stupid keeps me from participating in conversations that i'd really like to participate in. it keeps me from learning about things that i'm interested in, because i'm afraid that i'll say the wrong thing. but in fact, isn't that what learning is all about, because you don't know? it shouldn't be expected that if i'm trying to learn i already have all the answers, otherwise, what would the point be? that's the theory, anyway, but in my warped mind, i don't see it that way. it's just another opportunity for someone to belittle me.
i think that's where my self deprecating humor comes in. if i can in some way belittle myself first, it takes that power away from another. again, in theory. the truth is, it still hurts just as much when someone else does it. i wish i could be like others i know, who are just so confident with their abilities. who really don't care what others think of them. the fact is, though, as much as i try to play it off, it is important that people think i'm intelligent, kind, pretty, (insert other various descriptors here). perhaps, too, it may be because i find intelligence extremely sexy. if that is something i find sexy and i don't see it in myself, it's just another excuse to see myself as not sexy (read: ugly).
oh well, just another thing i've analyzed to death. (and still don't understand)
april 13, 2006~today was B-E-A-utiful outside!!! my daughter needed some photos for her pageant and we decided today was a great day to head out to the lakes and take some (they didn't have school today). so around 2 we headed out to the lakes to do her photo shoot. she had her swimsuit on and i was trying to get some of her by the water's edge. it started out both her and her brother were splashing around in the water, then knee high, then waist high, and before i knew it, they were swimming! at first i almost freaked out because it's only april, but then i realized, heck, it's over 80 degrees, and you only live once, it must not be too cold if they're staying in there!(not to mention there were lots of other families swimming) so they splashed around and had a grand ol time! i wasn't about to go in there ( i don't much care for lake water, but it never bothered me when i was younger) so i sat on the beach getting some candid shots that i'm sure glad we have now. i'm going to make a video for them. it was kind of nice, though, because normally i would have freaked out, thinking, "it's only april, you can't go swimming in months that have an "r" in them! (*lol*) and besides, this isn't what we had planned." but while i was sitting on the beach watching them splash around with no cares in the world, i realized that you can't plan everything. sometimes, you have to forget the plans and just enjoy life. it was wonderful.
i had a "discussion" with my foster mother and sister today. we were talking about some "issues" going on and i made the comment that rather then risk having anyone be offended or whatever, that for me, it was easier just to pull away from everyone. that i have never known "family" (aside from my children) so even though they have never excluded me or made me feel as i wasn't part of their "family", i just couldn't make the connection of me being a part of a "family". however, that's all my children have known. my foster families are who they call grandma and grandpa, aunts, and uncles. so for their sake, i'd show up to "family" events and be civil, but i have no desire to do more then that. that in no way negates the fact that i care for them all, but i just can't "make the connection". i think that it hurt them to hear me say that, because they have always treated me as i was part of their family, but on the other hand, i think it was time that they heard it, because it would maybe make them stop trying to make me be something i'm not. i'm never going to feel a connection. i'm connected to my children. they are the only ones i consider "family". i'm sure there are those who can't understand it. i'm not sure i know how to even describe it the right way for anyone else to understand it but me. all i know is that i never connected with anyone when i was younger. i've never had a consistent, stable adult in my life from the time of my birth (or even relatively soon thereafter) until now.
i read somewhere that children who don't bond with their parents when they're younger, never learn to bond and have difficulty forming relationships as adults. i'm in no way saying the abuse i suffered was as extreme as the illustrations i read about, but on a smaller level, that's exactly what happened. i didn't bond with them, then they abused me, and now, i just have no clue. i'm not sure i could have anything more then a superficial relationship with someone. (aside from my chidren, and sometimes - even though i think i'm a great parent- i wonder how much better my relationships with them could be had this not happened to me)don't get me wrong, that's not to say i can't love. but it's only to the extent of love that i'm capable of giving and i fear that's no where near what others experience.
april 14, 2006~well for those of you who need more proof that race relations are not exactly as good as they may appear (which in my mind isn't that great anyway) one only need to watch the split within the omaha public school system. omaha public schools will now be divided primarily among racial lines. at least that's the plan, although, i can't imagine that it won't be challenged. i read an article from cnn.com that was discussing the issue, and what i found not so funny was that they pointed out that ernie chambers was the only african-american in Nebraska's Legislature and that his support of the bill "was especially persuasive" to the others. it's as if the white members of the legislature felt that if the only african american amongst them (who obviously must speak for his entire race *insert eye roll*)felt that the bill was ok, it somehow released them from the burden of using common sense and voting against it. it was almost as if they had an excuse against appearing racist, because they can now say well, the african-american is for it, it must be ok. chamber's apparent argument is that "the black students he represents in north Omaha would receive a better education if they had more control over their district." there are some issues, in the privacy of a home, where i would agree with that. but to me, that's more about parental control then it is about race. however, shouldn't the goal of our schools be to educate all our children and to provide them with the best arena in which to be exposed to as many different cultures and races as possible? the problem, it seems to me, has nothing to do with the fact that the blacks, whites, and hispanics aren't all in control of their own single races schools, but rather, that there are some districts which get more money then others. i don't know, that's just what i think. as i said, i can't imagine that this will go unchallenged.
i have been told several times that i read too much into issues of race. in my mind, though, we haven't made as much progress as we'd like to believe. at least, not as a country as a whole. i'm sure there are some areas where race relations are better then others, but overall, we haven't gone as far as we should. the internet has become another "white pillow case" for the real racists to hide behind. hate groups continue to be on the rise because of how easily it is for frustrations related to other issues to be validated by hate groups. this in turn, turns what is not really a race issue into nothing but hate for another group of people, and it can be easily accomplished in the privacy of one's home. i in no way want my daughter to feel as though she's "entitled" to anything because of the color of her skin. nor do i wish for her to constantly use that as an excuse. what i do want for her, though, is to realize that there are good and bad in all races, sexes, and cultures. that if we feel frustration about a certain issue, it is not automatically due to the fact that we are a certain color or sex. i want her, as much as possible, to be exposed to people from different races and cultures. to gain a better understanding of those who are different from her. she can not do that by being sheltered and surrounded by only those who are the same as her. to do so, only increases racism-and sexism-on all levels, between all races and sexes. it isn't just one sided(read: hate towards blacks from whites or males towards females). i honestly believe that only by interacting with those who are different from us can we truly begin to understand the differences, embrace those, and learn to live more peacefully together. i don't know, perhaps i'm the only one who feels this way.
april 17, 2006~yes, my intent this time around is just to bitch and moan. outright. in your face. i don't care. so you might not want to read it all.
it's been over a month now since i first went into the doctor with ear pain. the first time, it was evident i also had a sinus infection, so of course, i thought nothing of it when she told my ear drum was basically being "sucked in" from the congestion within the tube that wasn't draining. However, this causes a hell of a lot of pain. after i ran through the course of nose sprays and such, the pain was still there, but it wasn't unbearable. then i had the class outside, where the wind blew in my ear for an hour, and that caused the ear pain to come back something horrific so i went back in. only this time i couldn't see the same doctor. the new one told me there was nothing wrong, that it must be from some kind of tooth pain. so they basically refused to do any kind of treatment, even though it was obvious i was in horrible pain and they could have at least treated that. so i took the rest of my pain pills that i had on hand, and in time, the pain was reduced, even though it's still been there. so yesterday i took the kids to the zoo and was out in the wind again. sure enough by today tylenol wasn't helping and i was in tears again from the pain. so i got in to see the first doctor i had seen. i explained that contrary to what the second doctor had thought, i went to the dentist and i had no infection, so the pain wasn't due to a tooth issue. she examined me and told me that my eardrum was basically having the same issues as what it was the first time around. so she gave me some new pain meds and told me that after this next round of decongestants and nose sprays that if the pain was still there, they'd have to consider putting a tube in my ear to release that pressure.
there is no doubt in my mind that this was the same issue i was having when i saw the second doctor. i'm so pissed. this doctor says that it could take months to get it cleared up and had the second doctor done her job i could already be well on my way to having no pain and having this issue resolved. i know this seems a trivial issue, but for those of you who have never had severe ear pain, it's not. i've learned to live with/deal with a lot of pain because of my back issues. sure pain causes discomfort but for the most part one can still function. this type of ear pain, though, has me curled on the couch in a fetal position crying hysterically (which yes, i know doesn't help much, but there's really nothing else one can do). i've never had bleeding ears, but i always imagine that if i had something done to my ears that would cause them to bleed, the pain would be comparable.
*sigh* ok, so now the pain pills have kicked in and although they're not very potent and have only taken the edge off, at least that's an improvement. at least with this amount of pain i can now function. ok, so guess i'm done venting now.
april 18, 2006~so last night around 9:30pm had to run my daughter to the ER. there was some concern that she might have appendicitis. we were there until around 1am. it was scary for awhile. they had to put in an IV to give her some pain medication and just in case they had to take her to surgery. they ran a few tests and came up with something else, but sent us on our way without completely ruling out appendicitis. they gave her another, different dose of pain medication before we went to leave. i had left the room for a moment and when i came back the nurse said, "she's a little bit out of it". i looked in the room and broke out laughing!! she was sitting in the bed looking stoned as all get out! she kept limply lifting her hand in front of her and then it'd fall back down to her side. at least she slept well! *lol*
woke up this morning and tried to go to class. it didn't last long, though, as i soon got a call that her pain was getting worse. since they hadn't ruled out appendicitis i needed to keep a close eye on the pain location and intensity. she was given another dose of pain medication but it wasn't getting any better so i had to take her in to see her family doctor. once we got there, they decided she needed another round of tests, so we spent the afternoon in the hospital having a few of those done. the good news is that she doesn't have appendicitis and they were able to find some things that could cause issues down the road that they will be able to keep an eye on now that they are aware of them. the bad news is that she's on a lot of pain medication but if that's the worse that we have to deal with, i'd say we're doing pretty darn good.
i'm going to miss a test at school tomorrow. i've never missed a test before (well if you don't count the make up one for religion) so i wasn't real sure how that'd go over. she's being real cool about it though and going to let me make it up on friday. i'm not sure how i feel about that, but i can't find anyone who's comfortable staying with my daughter right now, so i don't really have a choice. i am just so tired. i didn't sleep much last night and thought for sure i'd get an hour or two today since i thought my daughter would sleep most of the day from her pain medication. that didn't happen though, and i don't know, being at the doctors and hospital so much can emotionally drain a person. as a mother i had to stay calm for my daughter but inside, all those horrible "what if's" were running through my mind. when i took her into the ER i thought for sure they'd just tell us that she had the stomach flu or something and send us on our way. so by the time they were running all the tests today i was starting to get a little scared. it's times like those that i hate being alone the most. it would have been nice to have someone to share my fears with and have them reassure me. but then again, i guess i should look at it as just another time where i held it together and did what i needed to do...on my own.
april 20, 2006~i've known for some time that my views concerning women have been in the minority. i get asked, oddly enough, a lot about what it is i believe and why. so today, i wrote it out and yep, it's very long. yes, this entry will piss some people off. yes, some people will see me as weak, uneducated, and just out of touch. be that as it may, however, this is what i believe. that's not to say i'm not open to hearing what others believe and why, but given my life experiences and other beliefs, this is how it is for now. proceed with caution...you've been given fair warning! *lol*
This is an in depth view as to why I find that the “women’s movement” has done little (aside from issues of physical abuse and voting) to actually advance women, and in fact, has destroyed the value of a family. I will be the first to admit that most of my belief comes from personal experience intertwined with a bit of religious (primarily Pentecostal Christian) influence. Let me first state a few beliefs. My idea that the “women’s movement” has in reality done very little to help women is, in fact, speaking in very broad terms. I in no way believe in the “rule of thumb” in which men could beat their wives with whatever they chose, for whatever reason they chose, as long as it was not thicker then their thumb. I in no way believe that women should be subservient, that they are in some way mindless creatures who have no intelligent thought, important opinions, or that they should be seen and not heard. I in no way believe that women should be forced to stay at home, in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. I in no way believe that women are in some way “lesser” to men when speaking generally about the worthiness of all human beings. I in no way think that women should be given less rights then men. I am thankful that my foremothers fought as hard as they did to insure my right to representation and the right for me to work if I need to for survival or if I choose to. I am thankful that no longer can a man beat me just because I am his wife. For those things I am thankful.
However, I do think that by embracing the feminist idea that women can have it all and be it all and there is no need for a man in the equation we have done a great disservice to families in America. There was a time when women and men were not looked at as being the same. Women were embraced for their differences and men for theirs. Each had something unique and beneficial to bring to the table. Men were breadwinners who supported and protected their families. Women were life givers who bore children and then raised them in order to pass down the traditions and values of the family. Each had their own role to play and neither role was any less or more valuable then the other. It all fit. (I’m not saying there weren’t cases of abuse and/or neglect, but there are those cases today as well. In every arena there will be bad and good. So note, that all my comments are in very general terms.)
Soon, though, women began to feel as if somehow their role wasn’t good enough. It was no longer “good enough” to be just a mother. It was no longer “good enough” to be just a wife. Women somehow felt that in order to be “good as” they had to be the “same as” men. Women, instead of embracing their God given abilities to give birth to and mentor the future generations, began to see it as unfulfilling and “less then”. Suddenly instead of finding their worth in the work of raising a family and nurturing the children, a woman’s worth began to be associated with having it all, doing it all, being it all. How could one possibly be complete if they weren’t doing it all? How could one possibly find peace within themselves if they were unselfishly embracing their greatest role instead of earning the almighty dollar? Women began to lose sight of their roles as mothers and wives equal to that of the man’s role as breadwinner and provider. If women weren’t allowed to be in the work force making as much money as men, doing everything that a man could do, then how could they possibly be making a difference, how could they possibly be doing anything worthwhile? In their minds, they couldn’t and they weren’t. Because they were doing something different then what men were, they were somehow not as worthy as men were.
But, some would say, the “women’s movement” has helped women go on to higher education, to jobs that were once considered for males only, to being able to support themselves. You’re right, they have done those things, but aside from the issue of voting, women are still not equal to men. Perhaps more women do go on to get a college education then men do, but they still make significantly less then men for doing the same job, and they’re still more likely to be on welfare assistance programs then men are. So women can now freely go on to college and get a job, but they still won’t make as much, they’re still more likely to end up on welfare, and at what cost to their families? Is spending almost as much on daycare as you’re likely to make at a job worth seeing your children less then you would if you were married and could remain at home? Is the right to go on to college and get a job worth not being able to raise your own children or even have children?
In my mind women who choose never to get married and/or have a child(ren) have been given a bit of an edge by the movement. Those women, whoever, who still wish to have children and a marriage are now at a disadvantage because of the message that they are constantly receiving, which is that women don’t need men and women can do it all if they really want to. I’m not sure I understand this reasoning, however. If you give 100% to your job in order to be successful in that arena, what percentage do you have left to give to anything else? One person cannot give 100% to several different arenas. For instance, let’s say you’re married, you have two small children, and you’ve made the decision to work. One of your children is sick and cannot go to daycare. Your husband makes more money then you so you decide that it is more economically sound for you to take the day off of work to spend with your child. So many women are saddled with guilt for missing a day of work, however, that they soon find that their devotion is not 100% on their sick child. Or, perhaps your husband decides to stay home and you go into work. Then you feel guilty for leaving a sick child at home who wants/needs their “mommy” and therefore, you can’t give 100% at your job, because you’re still thinking about your child. It is a myth that one person can give 100% to more then one thing. To be in one arena means that another arena must suffer or be deprived of something that it might otherwise have if a woman’s duties were not divided.
Some women don’t have a choice you say because they’re not married. They are a single parent. I would agree with that, but I also believe there are more single mothers (and fathers for that matter) today because of the “women’s movement”. This is probably where my religious influence comes into play the most. Before the movement women had their roles and men had theirs. Each was valuable. Each served a God given purpose. In my mind, at least, not one was more valuable then the other. In order for each arena (family and economic) to be met, both people must fulfill their roles. After the movement, most noticeably in the 70’s, women started getting the message that they were somehow being oppressed. That men were controlling them and they would be more fulfilled individuals if they went out and got a job and proved that they could stand on their own two feet without the help of men.
In essence, women told men, “Guess what buddy? I no longer need you. My friend Betty, she isn’t married, and she has a great job, and makes lots of money, that she alone controls and she can spend it however and whenever she wants. Whatever she wants to do, she does. She is free. And remember my friend Jane, the one married to John, with the two children? Well her kids go to daycare and she works a fulltime job. She doesn’t need John anymore. She can do it alone. She can be free. What do you have to offer me that I can‘t get on my own? Nothing.”
We took the God given right of men, to be providers and protectors, away from them. We took away, what in essence, they had been told their entire life, made them a man. We took away their value. We took away their dignity. We told them their only value to us was their sperm (which they could go and donate, thank you very much) and as our friends. We wanted to be equal. We wanted to be on the same level as men, after all, anything they could do, we could also do.
Men had to adapt to this. Not wanting to appear as “women haters” most men began to make changes to give women exactly what it is they asked for. Now, instead of opening a door for a woman, out of a sign of respect, they let her get it on her own. Now, instead of talking to women as somehow cherished beings, women became “bitch” and “ho”. After all, don’t they call their buddies names in a jokingly matter? Now, instead of putting a woman’s body on a pedestal and cherishing it as the temple of life, a woman’s body became an object. Women became “one of the guys” instead of the cherished, life giving, beings they were created to be.
Being that we were now, just one of the guys, they no longer had to take responsibility. And why would they? I mean, after all, we’ve already told them we don’t need their help. It became acceptable for men to now walk away from any sort of responsibility. They felt no need to financially support or raise their friends, why would they treat women, or the offspring of those women, any differently? I mean, aren’t they just giving women what they want? There is no longer any sense of responsibility or any sense of connection due women than what they would give to their friends. I can’t say I fault men completely for taking this stance, as that is what women yelled at them for so long.
Personally, I’ve worked in a man’s environment and most of my closest friends have been men. To hear the things they say about women now is a disgrace. I, personally, don’t want to be treated like “one of the guys”. If being treated as a cherished, life giving being makes me somehow oppressed, I’ll take oppression over freedom any day. (Side Note: Does anyone else find it ironic that we constantly go on and on about countries that oppress women and yet some of those same countries have had women presidents? The United States has not.) Embracing my role as a wife and mother does not somehow make me unfulfilled. It does not mean I am somehow “less than”. If treating a man as provider and protector that he is, and giving him his deserved dignity somehow makes me old fashioned or weak, well so be it. I find no disgrace in simply being a woman. I find no disgrace in knowing that I’m different from a man. Notice I did not say any less worthy, just different. Perhaps, if women would begin to cherish men and embrace them for their differences, instead of constantly struggling to be the same as them, then perhaps, they would being to again value us just for being women.
I also find the movement a problem because it is more so women fighting women then women fighting the system. It is a group of women telling another group of women that they will never be fulfilled or complete unless they have and do it all. Women now struggle, not against the system, but against other women who are constantly telling them that their desire to be submissive makes them weak and unfulfilled, that they are not “truly” women.
Perhaps this view comes because most women equate submissive with subservient. The truth is, they are not the same. I am a free thinker. I, ultimately, make my own choices. I choose to give men their respect, simply because they are men and for no other reason, because I wish for men to respect me simply because I am a woman. I respect and embrace their differences from me, rather then compete with them, because I wish for men to respect and embrace my differences. I choose to embrace my womanhood not by belittling men and telling them they have no value, but rather, by finding my fulfillment within my desire to embrace the gift God has given me to be a woman, to bear children, and to support the man emotionally, who will ultimately in return, love and support me.
As a final note, I want to make it very clear that I don’t think that women are mindless, weak creatures. We are strong, intelligent, and capable. Some women have no choice but to do it on their own. Aside from the death of a spouse, though, I believe that it is mainly because we have banished men from being a part of the fulfillment of our lives. I believe that this banishment has come, very simply, from the influence of the “women’s movement”.