the voices in my head are getting loud
i am depressed.....

nothing feels right anymore...
the only things that makes me happy is smoking, throwing up, and dancing.....beautiful combination there...i played with the razor blade the other night...but i was too pussy to cut myself...i'm getting scared...the voices in my head are getting louder...i don't understand what they're saying...i just want it to all stop!...the pills make me feel better...but only for a while...then the voices come back again...i broke up with robert kinda...why can't he just not care like other people and leave me alone?...why does he have to care so much?...why do i have to push him away?i don't know anymore...i just want to sleep forever and never wake up...oh well...can't always get what u want...
bye....
pray that i'll feel better soon.

more quizes

Innocent


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hey hey what do you know...it's quiz time!!

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You are Jasmine from Aladdin!


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I'm a songleader now!! lol
listening to : the air conditioner...lol i love cold air!!
s t a t e o f m i n d : tired and sick
t i m e : 4:19 pm
well xanga has been down for awhile and i need another place to vent my thoughts so here i am! =D...anyway i just got back from cheer camp the other day. omg i'm sooooo freakin dark!!! its not even funny!! well here's what happened all those fun filled hot days of cheer camp!....oh goodness here we go...
friday..\\ sooo this was my first night at cheer camp and it was soo hot! we had to climb about a million stairs to get to our rooms! lol AND our building was like isolated from all the other teams there...lol andrea! "oh it's just magnolia, we'll stick them in the boonies" hahahah anyway our rooms were nice tho though we didn't spend too much time in it. So we went to our first day of dancing!! out in the hot hot sun...we got evaluated that night and we got a superior for our home routine!! YAYYY!! we worked so hard on that routine too!! later that night back in the dorms, all of song stayed up and we got in trouble! lol cuz lights are supposed to be out at 11:00 and everyone's supposed to be asleep at 11:30...but yeah we all scrambled n stuff...lol all of us ran into diana and andrea's room could it be any more obvious?? haha people were hiding in the closet and under the bed!! while eating our twinkies! hahhah
saturday..\\ we learned our individual usa routines today...omg...thats gotta be the hardest routine i've ever done! lol...well technique wise! hey but i hit my double pirouette turns perfectly the first time! then after that i was gonnneee...lol the camp dance is kute too...oh and we learned the pom routine and the funky sideline routine...yeah i think i learned about....6 routines in all these 4 days...yeah i know a lot!! hahah well yeahhh...i tried out for all-stars! but i didn't make it! which is fine, cuz i just wanted to experience it you know? next year though! i'm going to be serious about it...AND i'll do even better specialties...for my specialties i was SUPPOSED to do a double turn, 3 straight kicks and maybe a side leap...what i did do was a right grand jete and a side leap...with a "go sents!" at the end...lol i know it was terrible...lol but heyy i'm glad i had the courage to do it...congrats to april and diana that made all stars! i'm so happy for them! and it's kool that hailey, stella, rachelle, and susan and i went out for it...we're risk takers like that you know? =)
sunday..\\ it was our last night at camp...awwww....we got evaluated on our usa routine today...EWWW..i did awful!! rachelle and i didn't even practice that night at all! mainly because we didnt know what the hell we were doing. But now that I think about it...it is a kute routine..and it's different you know? really...jazzy/lyrical type of dance. It's only now that I know how the routine goes! I wish I could've known that before! because I totally didn't even smile when I was being evaluated because I didn't know the routine. Anyway...that night was sooo muchhh fun!! so many memories! "hey dun lig me!" LOL...omg arlene is so freakin funny! us gangstas roll together! and andrea! G doggs for life! lol "pussy don't fail me now" hahahhah omg that song is sooo annoying! "it sounds like she's in prison singing the blues while playing a harmonica!" hahahha "fuckisthis?!" hahahhah okie i'm done...lol well yeah i had a great time at camp! and that's all i gotta say sooo i've said enough! BUH BAI! PEACE OUT!

:::blah
listening to: so gone by monica
state of mind: blah...
i hate stupid, conceited, arrogant people that make me feel like I'm small. I should've never gone to that kickback...teresa's a sweetheart, God bless your heart. hmmmmm i needa stay away from that crowd for a while though...all i feel is like a tag along...like someone's bitch..."who's luann?...oh you mean haydee's friend?" stupid bastards...sighhhhh daniel's not any better either...why can't I just...sleep forever?...or just...have a boyfriend that's always flexible with me and does whatever to make me happy?....does that person not exist?...i guess it's not daniel...i hate him sometimes...HE MAKES ME SO MAD!!!i hate feeling this way all the time...like I have to worry about his damn ass all the time...and he's NEVER pleased with me...i want someone to make me happy...why is that so hard?...:-/...someone please make everything alright...i just want to be loved...

i hate today.

-f0urth of July-
listening to : paranoid by Garbage
state of mind : bored
well this is actually my first entry on this new blog. My last entry was just a tester and was from my other site, xanga. I needed a new page to write and stuff so I'm going to start writing here. This place is away from my friends and can't really know what I'm feeling. Because on xanga everyone can see, well...thats what weblogs are but...you know what!? I'm bored out of my mind so I decided to write in here now.
anywayy...today is the fourth of july and geez I hate being around my family sometime...they can be too much sometimes. Thank God holidays like these are only once a year. Hopefully, I'll be able to go out tonight cause I'm really bored and I don't wanna stay around these people any longer!! AHH!!
here's a quiz I took...
EVERYTHING : You belong in a small percentage of Asian females who are an all-round-little-bit-of-everything group. You don't have an accent, but you can speak your own language a little too. You shop at many stores including Forever 21, Rave, and Abercrombie. You own several pairs of platforms and those cute neon colored thongs. Stop being indecisive.

What Asian Girl Are You?
VISIT HTTP://JEALOUSY.TK
well more later...

angry yet calm
listening to : a place for my head by Linkin Park
s t a t e o f m i n d : pissed...but had a good day
s u b j e c t : too many random things
My parents are bitches.
yeah okie I had to say it. I may be just saying that only because I'm mad but I have to vent cause if I don't then...I'll go crazy and depressed again. But seriously, must she yell all the time? And must my dad just sit there like a statue and let my mom do all the talking. He knows its not fair to me to be yelled at, yet he sits there. So for every time my mom yells at me, I have compiled a list of reminders for myself in the future in how I live and take care of myself and how I raise my own children. Here's a little bit of a list that will grow longer. -I will not raise my voice EVERYTIME we argure. I will be civil and listen to my daughter/son's point of view before I speak. -I will talk to my children more and become close to them in order for them to trust me and for myself to trust them. This I know, will take a long time to accomplish but I'm determined not to let my mother's way of raising myself and my sister get in the way. -I will let them date BUT they must tell me beforehand. I know that's a little...you know...stupid to be talking about, but when you live in an asian family that really wants you to date at the age of 26, then you know what I'm talking about. -I will let my daughter or son, fall in love with whomever they want, regardless of age, race, skin color, or religion. My parents really want me to start dating filipinos and...I'm already taken...=p sorry mom...oh and he's not filipino. -I will accept my daughter or son for who they are and understand how much it means to them. -I will not let my family experience the pain of not being able to afford the mortgage of the house. First of all, I never wanna hear my dad saying "well I guess we're going to have to start looking for a apartment now" because that's not funny. You know what, you spent that money so you find a way to come up with it. That's not my responsibility, that's yours. I'll make sure I'm financially secured after I leave this damn house. -I will move out of this house as soon as possible before I undergo a nervous breakdown. -I will be independent and not depend on anyone to keep me steady. I'll need some help, but I'm going to try to be a strong woman. **Now, I know, to whomever is reading this, you're probably thinking, "well, this all pretty harsh considering that parents are always (or try to) give you the best of everything." BUt my parents are a little different. It's as if I come from another planet to them. No seriously...it's always been like this. I've been in two fist fights with my mom before simply because we don't understand each other. Thank God it's only been two between her and I, her and my sister I can't even keep up with how many they've been through. Let me tell you why she is like this. She doesn't think before she speaks. That's basically what's wrong with her. So she ends up saying something totally irrelevant to the whole situation and the point of arguing is a waste of time because she doesn't make sense. My motto: If you can't back your shit up, then don't start anything. Now I know I'm being very harsh up there but everything I speak is the truth. I really do feel that way. I'm not saying that my parents gave me a crappy life, they actually gave me a luxurious life, but they way they raised me is not the same. I'm experiencing this now with daniel because from what I see in my mom and dad's marriage, I don't see a solid base of trust in their relationship from my dad's past affairs. And since I'm more like my dad, I tend to be like him. Not saying that I'm a cheater, but the way I act or carry myself is similar. The only time I act like my mom is when I'm angry and that's a horrible feeling. I never ever want anyone to see me angry because its absolutely awful... and the worst feeling in the world. Ok anyway...I'm tired of writing about this.... ....anyway I had fun hanging wit S.H.E.L...lol next stop ladies ---> RhApSoDy in Key!! =D outies...