-(Online)
Jeff: Well I do get to walk around naked all day.
Jeff: That is, until I found the ventilation fan.
Jeff: Now I put shorts on, 'cause frankly, I don't trust the blinds that much.
Me: What's there to see?
Jeff: My supple young coed flesh?
*Copypaste to Greg*
Greg: I wasn't aware he was a coed.
*Copypaste to Jeff*
Jeff: Come see me and my friends at www.jeffsplayground.com
-Emi: There was a dog on Oprah today that was born without front legs, and so it walks on its back legs like a human.
Brian: Was it Oprah?
-(Online)
Fred: Rudolph Von LizardJacker??? I like the sound of that. Maybe I'll name my first born that.
Me: Awesome.
Me: But that requires you to mate first.
Fred: How would you like to be Mrs. Von LizardJacker??
Me: Oh Fred, I thought you'd never ask!
Fred: Take me now, my wild stallion! *flings self on bed, genitalia flapping in the wind*
-(Online)
Me: It's hailing.
Me: :O
Alex: Mouth open to catch my semen. *squirt*
Me: ...
-(Online)
Fred: Great shit, great shit, the likes of you shall never know as you waste your tender, virgin years playing MMOs as the guise of a man. Granted you have more testosterone in your blood than the average male American, but that's beside the point.
Me: ...
Fred: I kid, I kid... 'cept for the gigantic balls you tuck away in your ovaries.
-(Online)
Me: I'm leaving you now.
Jeff: Good, you never put out anyways.
-Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster.
-Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.
-Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.
-Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!
-Me: But this commercial said that AMC will handle all of my wants and needs.
Alex: Well we'll just have Clippit or whatever the fuck our little mascot's name is come and fuck the hell out of you with his celluloid penis.
-(Online)
Brian: "My mother was the cold north wind, my daddy was the son of a railroad man from west of hell, where the
trains don't even run." Random folk lyric
Me: ...wait
Me: So the son of a railroad man impregnated the north wind?
Brian: Apparently. but in his defense, he was from west of hell, and couldn't use the trains.
-Me: I saw a Danzig bumper sticker the other day and I thought of you.
Jeff: Why didn't you think of Danzig? That's who I'd think about, freak.
-(Online)
Brian: She's like "...wttf"
Me: What the titty fuck?
-(Online)
Taylor: Can you spell his last name?
Me: Schwarzenegger
Taylor: I thought there was 2 n;s?
Me: I dunno where you get your info, but I don't think anyone spells their name with a semi-colon.
Taylor: hmm, I guess I could be wrong.
-(Online)
Me: Why does he need your screenname?
Jeff: Gay cyber sex.
Jeff: Or "gybering"
-(Online)
Brian: L)
Brian: ...
Me: ...
Me: Darren's unibrow eating his eyes?
Brian: If only.
-(Overheard while out shopping; the two were in the middle of an argument about something)
Little Girl: I have a penis, too.
Little Boy: No.
Little Girl: Wanna know why? Because it's in my butt.
-Adam Woods: In some countries shoplifting is punishable by marriage.
Shawn P.: Hahaha, are you serious?
-(Online)
Me: DOS EL GIGANTES
Brian: SHIT *hits the ground running*
-(Online)
Me: I'm playing Freecell.
Molly: Freece?
Molly: Oh.
Molly: Freecell
Molly: I thought the L's were !'s.
Molly: Eyes are officially giving out.
-(Online)
Jeff: Ok, what has two legs and is extremely difficult to see on a rainy night on a dark road?
Me: A person wearing dark clothing.
Jeff: No, I think she was wearing pretty light clothes.
Jeff: I don't know, it was hard to tell after I hit her with my bike.
Jeff: Well, actually, I think I hit a parked car first, then kind of bounced into her.
Jeff: Odd, that one of the few times I bike on the actual road, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: ...
Me: You're a horrible person.
Jeff: I mostly ride on the sidewalk, with many pedestrians.
Jeff: Pfft, I swerved and braked.
Jeff: Wet leaves just don't grip that well.
-Adam Woods: Ask me my name quick.
Us: What's your name?
Adam Woods: James. James Bond. Oh wait, I fucked that up.
-Greg: What's this?
Me: Sex.
Greg: Wow, I didn't know I had sex in my hand.
Brian: That's about the only way you're gonna get it.
-Shawn: So...Did you beat anything yet?
Shawn: I mean the games.
Me: HAHAHAH
Shawn: Oh you haven't heard the latest injury.
Me: No, I haven't.
Shawn: My elbow is dislocated.
Me: Does it have to do with beating too much?
Me: Oh.
Me: So, yes. :D
Shawn: ...