SEE?
I just had to do this to prove me wrong.

6:18 PM
Ok. Last entry today. I think.

I am such a failure.

Everything I was going to be.

Not.

I am nothing, really.

I fake it. I pretend. I lie. I insist.

But none of it is true. I am nothing. Really nothing.

I used to be on a path.

Not now.

I meander.

I pretend I can still see the way.

Through brush and scraggle and splinters and spiny thorns and hay fever.

But the path is gone.

I fear I strayed from it so far back and so long ago that I wouldn't even recognize it if I somehow drifted back across it's dusty clearing.

I am tired.

No, really. Really sleepy.

I cannot face going out into the world anymore. I force myself. But there is no anticipation, no joy, no enjoy.

And I cannot stop singing stupid songs.

Today it has been:

"Beep Beep" (The Playmates 1958 - I never even heard it first run) please please save me this one plays ALL THE TIME.

"Come Saturday Morning" (The Sandpipers 1970 - from The Sterile Cuckoo and Liza was just a kid and I'm younger than she is) You see there are no patterns.

"I'm a Little Bit Country" (Donny & Marie Osmond 1970-something) is a comment really necessary for this one?

So Full of Shit
I am pretty certain that I am an irrepressible fake and a classically insecure whiny asshole. I also suspect that I am obsessive-compulsive in some wierd, sick, musically manifesting manner. I cannot stop singing stupid songs that get stuck in repeat. Not songs I like. Horrible irritating songs. Or okay songs... but only if you sing them one time. Like even one time a month. But I sing and sing and sing. If not out loud, then blasting through my head. This goes on every day. All day. Until I scream at myself please please stop! And then I do not. Stop.

Blog One
Myhead hurts. Something is wrong. I feel shaky. Oh, it's the afternoon. I better eat something.