Prologue
Dreams are entirely vivid thoughts that the mind creates when in a subconscious state. The dreams may involve people, places, things and other nouns that the mind is familiar with. Perhaps a person the mind knows is present, alongside the mind’s host. Perhaps the two are involved in nothing more unusual than a simple walk through a park or a baseball game. Perhaps the two are secret agents, fighting for justice. Or maybe they are walking through a park, finding a door in the middle of the grass, walking through it and suddenly the mind’s host is alone in his own underwear in a classroom.
Sometimes, the dreams involve nothing familiar at all. Sometimes dreams let themselves evolve through the imagination of the mind. Vast open spaces, cramped houses with no symmetrical sense, or maybe variations on familiar settings are created. Maybe the mind will piece together entirely separate familiar settings into one, such as a building as seen on TV, and on the inside it is like a hotel, and then walking through a door brings you to a dorm room the dreamer may have stayed in for a period of time.
Sometimes, there are nightmares. The darkest corners of the mind are pulled into the light where they can be seen and almost felt. The most horrific images the mind can conjure are brandished in front of the mind’s eye with no mercy or remorse. The horrors of the past are relived in an inescapable period of torment and are impressed even deeper into the mind, enabling the memory to be recalled again and again, with or without the dreamer’s consent.
And then there are inexplicably good dreams. The ones where the dreamer wishes he never woke up from. The ones where the dreamer can swear he can feel himself smile. The ones where the emotion of joy was so great that silent tears were inevitable.
But good dreams come at a price. They make the dreamer yearn for it to become his reality and go on to try to shake the dream from the mind. They make the dreamer seek the dream to become reality. They haunt the dreamer with the same degree of torment as a horrible nightmare day after day after day. They make the dreamer wake up from a truly genuine happiness and thrust the dreamer back into reality; a reality that is, in comparison to the dream, a true nightmare.
This boy’s story began with a dream.
I
Daniel woke. He didn’t wake with a start, nor did his eyes slowly flutter open as consciousness was regained. He breathed in deeply, and peacefully exhaled his dream, and his eyes slowly opened, stinging with tears.
What a peaceful awakening. What a wonderful feeling he had when he woke up that morning in early September. The sun shone through his window gracefully, and his open window bade the entrance of a cooling breeze that played with his brown hair. He lay there for a moment in his wrinkle free bed and smiled to himself. And he lay like that for five minutes.
What was so special about this awakening? Why did he wake up with such a smile, such a joy, such a desire to dance and sing and run and jump and hug and kiss all at once? Why was his smile unable to leave and why were these tears unable to disappear? It was his dream. Oh, such a magnificent, incandescently fantastic dream! He wished he could dream that dream for the rest of his life every night. He wished he could feel that joy and warmth every moment of his existence and beyond. He wished…he could remember what the dream was.
The smile faded quickly when he realized he had no idea what he had dreamt about. He sat up, ruffling his sheets for the first time since he lay down the night before. What, he thought, was that dream?! Why can’t I remember it?!
He could remember plenty dreams from his past, both the good and the ghastly, but why couldn’t he remember the best dream he undoubtedly ever had? Why does the brain choose to now erase a dream from his mind? Stupid brain!
He hit himself over the head. Remember! Please remember! I’ll give you anything you want! I’ll never drink, smoke or whatever, just remember, damn you!
Instead of remembering the dream, he suddenly remembered reading somewhere that the more you try to remember a dream, the more you forget about the dream.
Fantastic, he thought to himself. So to remember it, I have to forget about it. Fine. If that’s what you want!
He gave a last fleeting sigh of defeat, and got out of bed and dressed.
It was September 1st. Summer still lingered, but it was already
beginning to cool down slightly. The
wind was rustling the trees, the birds were singing, and Daniel was sitting
down at the computer, still frustrated with the dream. It was already
Daniel had three close friends; Sarah, Aiden
and Roy. Sarah was leaving for college
very soon down in LA, about eight hours from their home town. She was sad and mopey,
and while the boys loved her like a sister, they played little into her
emotions. Every time a change was to
occur in Sarah’s life, she would become sad and angry at any mention of the
change, but the boys knew her better. In
only a few days after the change occurs, she would be happier than ever. Aiden and Roy were
Daniel’s best friends. They became very
close over the course of one short year and did everything together. They watched movies, played video games,
drove around and simply watched TV all the time. As of now,
“You’re an idiot,” said Aiden on the phone on this particular day to Daniel, “you can’t possibly forget a dream by trying to remember it.”
“No, I read it somewhere, trust me.”
“I don’t.”
”Well, fine.”
“Cite your source.”
“I can’t cite it! I read it when I was little.”
“Then you have no argument.”
“This isn’t a battle in court, this is fact.”
“According to who?”
“To the book I read!”
“Where is it?”
“This is going nowhere, Aiden!” said Daniel, laughing slightly.
“I’ll win.”
“Well, until then,” said Daniel, grabbing his wallet, “let’s go do something.”
“Like what?”
“I’ll meet you at the mall in 15 minutes.”
“Ok, see you then.”
They hung up. That’s how a typical conversation was with them. After the obligatory salutations, an argument would start up. Then they would plan on doing something together and continue the argument at a later time. We must be the weirdest friends ever, thought Daniel to himself on more than one occasion.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
They arrived at the mall about an hour later.
“Sorry, my mom lets me do nothing all day, but as soon as I say I’m going somewhere…”
“…you suddenly have to clean up the entire house, right?” Daniel finished for him.
“Isn’t it annoying,” said Aiden with a laugh.
“Entirely. Just like that dream.”
“You really can’t make anything of it?” Aiden asked, forgetting about the argument from earlier.
They moved to the food court and were in line for Subway.
“Not a thing,” sighed Daniel. “I just remember waking up feeling...I don’t know…complete. Like I was missing something for 19 years and suddenly I had it. I just wish I knew what it was.”
“So you think this dream was telling you something that could apply to real life?” Aiden asked.
Daniel made his order quickly.
“I don’t know, maybe.”
Aiden laughed. “You idiot, it was just a dream. It’s best to just forget about it.”
“Yeah, then I’ll – no, no onions, thanks – then I’ll remember it better.”
“I’ll be needing a source.”
Daniel sighed as he paid and moved to find a table. He sat and sipped his soda as he waited for Aiden.
“Hi, Daniel,” came a voice from behind him. It was a girl from his school.
“Oh, hi Em.”
Emily was a girl that clearly had a thing for Daniel and thought she hid it well, when actually she might as well have it printed on his forehead.
“How was summer? Ready for school?”
“Summer was fine, and sort of.
“Yeah, such a shame going back is so bittersweet. If only we had more time to hang out.
Daniel took a drink. “Yeah, too bad.”
“Well, I’m late for work.”
“Right. Pac Sun.”
“I do hate it,” she said, “but it’s money. Come by and pick something up. See you around, Daniel.”
“Bye.” He waved to her as she walked off, clearly trying to maintain her poise as she hoped Daniel was watching.
He was.
“Well, well,” Aiden sat down with his tray. “You meet again.”
“It’s nothing.”
“You were looking.”
“I was...making sure her skirt wasn’t too high. Fingertip length is the rule, you know.”
Aiden stared at him incredulously.
“It wasn’t too high.” said Daniel, taking a bite. “She’s pretty, but she’s an annoying flirt.”
“Why are you so picky?”
“Because I don’t want just anyone. I want someone that I feel comfortable with and that will feel comfortable with me, and I don’t feel comfortable with her.”
This was plenty excuse for Aiden. Anything’s enough when he’s eating. They ate and talked of trivial things.
Afterwards, they decided to roam the mall as usual. Aiden brought up the dream again.
“Was it about a girl?” he asked innocently.
“A girl? I don’t know, I can’t remember anything.” said Daniel.
“Well something must stimulate the dream. I’ve seen it on TV. People that can’t remember something usually find an object, person or subject that suddenly triggers the memory and BAM, they remember.”
“I know. But obviously that wasn’t it.”
“A car? A TV? A computer?”
Aiden annoyingly ran off random objects of pleasure
by Daniel, all spurring nothing to mind except the urge to punch Aiden in the face.
They stopped at a video game store and looked around. The Gamecube wall (if you can call it that) boasted a pathetic collection of games. Only about 15 of the 45 games were new; the rest were sold to the store by previous, bored owners and were now on sale for much less than their original selling price. A ‘Red Vs. Blue’ episode was playing on the TV by the cash register. The cashier was reading a newspaper and sipping on a soda, clearly bored.
“Hey, Dan, how pathetic is this?” Aiden said, coming up with a video game box. It had a picture of a puppy on it for Nintendo DS.
“What is it?” Daniel asked.
“I don’t know, but all you do is play with this puppy. Lame right?”
“Ridiculous,” Daniel laughed. In truth, he thought the puppy was kind of cute. But for a video game? Please.
He watched Aiden go put it away. Just then, an employee came out of the back room asking the kid at the register to help him with something. Something caught Daniel’s eye in the room that he came out of. A wooden ladder, no doubt leading to a loft. A ladder. A loft.
His dream.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Daniel was at college, his first day. He started late due to some transfers, but he
had a friend that attended. From the
outside, it looked like a gigantic hotel, one of the hotels you would see in
“Here’s the entrance to the dorms,” said an unknown friend to Daniel. They walked through the rotating doors together.
The inside was magnificent. Full of red carpet and golden chandeliers and crisp wooden walls that gave an atmosphere of both intense elegance and comfortable homliness. They moved past this ‘lobby’ and to a hallway. His friend opened a door, and they were suddenly in a long hallway.
This hallway was no comparison to the grandiose ‘lobby.’ It was much more worn, but worn to the point that it felt really homely and comfortable. It was simply lived in. Along the long hall were countless doors. Each with a different number.
“These are the dorms,” explained the unknown friend. “Yours is right over here. You can put your stuff in now.”
Suddenly, Daniel had massive amounts of luggage with him and he just wanted to set them down. They went into a nice warm room. It was a small room, and simply a room. It held two people and had two beds, to desks, two chairs and two closets. There was one window in the middle of the room overlooking the pool.
They exited the room and were back in the hall.
“You don’t want to go way down there,” said his friend, noticing Daniel looking down the long hallway.
“What’s down there?” Daniel asked.
“There’s this guy in the very last door on the right. He tends to sleep around a bit. With other guys,” said the friend in a hushed voice.
“Other guys!” said Daniel in a harsh whisper.
“Yeah. He doesn’t get involved in any relationships. If guys want to…fag off, I guess is the term, they go down there. He’s a very cold person. He doesn’t ask for names or numbers or any sort of relationships. He just asks if they’re clean. He gets himself checked regularly but…yuck.” The friend finished with a grossed-out face.
“Yeah,” Daniel said absently, “Yuck.” He looked down the hall.
The friend was suddenly gone, and Daniel suddenly had the urge to go meet this guy. He wasn’t interested in ‘fagging off,’ as the friend called it. That was disgusting. He was straight. But just the mystery of this guy caught Daniel’s attention.
He walked down the hall.
He walked forever, and then he walked some more. Finally, he made it to the last door on the far right, room 329. Was it only 29 doors down? Never minding, he opened the door.
He poked his head in. This dorm was different. He recalled a set up like this when he stayed at UC Riverside for a leadership conference in high school. There were two beds just like his room, but there was a ladder leading up to a small loft above the two beds on the bottom. The room was sparsely lit with low, dim lights, enveloping the room in a warm glow. Daniel knocked and called, “Hello?”
“Who is it?” came a voice, speaking quick and sharply from the top of the loft.
“Just a…visitor.”
“Come in.”
Daniel was in a brief moment of awe, but regained himself and remembered everything about the boy as he closed the door.
“I thought you didn’t ask for names.”
“So that’s what you want, is it? Come on up.”
“No, that’s not what I want.”
He felt everything grow still, like he just uttered the words of a curse that would awaken a giant. If there were birds in the room, they would have fled in the opposite direction, Daniel thought to himself.
The voice spoke again, but softer, “It’s not?”
“No, I…I just want to meet you.”
There was silence as Daniel stood on the bottom rung of the ladder.
“Meet me,” repeated the boy, almost absently. “Nobody’s ever…” the boy sounded distant, but very close. “Come up,” he said, even softer, “please.”
Daniel gulped, then climbed. He poked his head through the hole in the bottom of the loft and was face to face with the mystery boy. He was blonde, with slightly curly hair, and the bluest eyes; the ocean’s eyes. They stared at each other. There was something electric in the room, yet everything was so completely still and peaceful. The silence was peaceful, the staring was peaceful…even the tension was peaceful. Everything seemed to feel right. Everything seemed to be right.
“You’re…” began the boy, “…er…you want to meet me?” This was all said in a fragile whisper, as though the slightest sound would break the world.
“Yes,” whispered Daniel.
The boy smiled. The smile was so magnificent. His face lit up in a way that Daniel wondered how this boy could ever be accused of being, ‘cold.’ Then he said warmly, “Hello.”
Daniel felt himself smile. “Hi,” he said. His eyes stung. Was he about to cry?
So was the boy, apparently. They smiled forever, and gave out short, voiceless laughs. Just small bursts of air came out. The boy put his hand around Daniel’s head, and Daniel did the same, and they kissed. They kissed.
- - - - - - - - - - -
“Dan? Dan?”
Daniel came back with a snap. His eyes moved finally. Breath returned to his body.
“Oh, uh,” Daniel stammered, slightly flushed. “Wow,” he said breathlessly, reacting to the kiss, but then remembered that he wasn’t in the dorm nor on a loft nor kissing this boy, but in a video store with Aiden trying to get his attention. “I mean,” Daniel cleared his throat and quickly regained himself, “I mean right. Well, I’ll…I’ll be going.”
Daniel quickly left the store to escape. How long had he been staring into nothing? How long was he in the trance? He relived the entire dream…how long could that have taken? It seemed like hours. Oh, the dream! The dream! He kissed a boy! He wasn’t gay! No way! Then why was he fighting back tears now, and why was he fighting back tears when he woke up? Why did he feel so complete when he woke up? Why is the feeling of completeness feeling compromised by an overpowering feeling of regret, anger and fear? What was happening to him?
“DAN!” called a voice from inside the store. It was Aiden. Crap, thought Dan, calm yourself, just for a few seconds. “Daniel! What…”
“Aiden,” Daniel cut him off, “sorry, but I just…I have to go.
“What? Why? What’s going on?” asked Aiden.
Too late. Daniel was leaving already.
“Sorry, I just…remembered something.”
And with that, Daniel was off.
And Aiden had no idea why.
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