I can remember making out an exercise plan that was just totally nuts. I distinctly recall writing down, "Do 6 sets of hundred crunches." That's 600 crunches!!! Extremely unrealistic especially for a beginner. My point is though, I had just turned 13 years old. For 7 years, I have struggled with my self-esteem, self worth, self-image, self acceptance and more importantly, my self love. Damn near a decade...way too long. The crazy thing is, back then, I wasn't fat, I was just a little thick...maybe 20 pounds overweight...what I wouldn't give to have just have 20 pounds to lose right now!!! I realized I was overweight when I was in the bathroom, taking out my braids (I must have been 11 or 12) and I had a chair I was sitting on. I remember looking down and there I saw it, my bare thighs (since I was wearing shorts) looked twice it's size. I'm sure you have sat down and looked down and discovered that your thighs were bigger (what a discovery). So anyway, at that moment, I was like, wow, that's strange and shrugged it off. The real craze to lose weight however came when I entered middle school. That was the time I stopped playing with the Barbie dolls and started discovering magazines and videos which featured women with "near perfect bodies" which cluttered my mind with unhealthy images. It made me look in the mirror and totally hate myself. I was convinced that not only was I fat but I was also unattractive. It didn't help that around that time, I hit puberty, sprouted a couple of pimples, got my period and went from a 34 B to a 36 C in one single summer (that was a big ass deal. They were enormous to me, what I wouldn't give to have those 36 Cs instead of DD's...not really fun to run or jump *sigh*) I was tall and some what big and boys made me feel even more critical of myself and with my growing insecurities...let's just say I felt awkward as all hell.

But for every gray cloud, there is a silver lining. In 2001, something inside of me just clicked, I said fuck it (excuse my language). I was just tired of my weight (which was around the 220's) and people commenting on it. June 2001 at age 17, I got determined and the determination paid off quite adequately. I went through a weight loss/personal change journey, I grew up and matured a bit more. I had my first date, my first boyfriend, my first kiss (yes, I was such a late bloomer), guys started paying me some extra attention, I began a beauty regimen that made me glow, pierced my tongue (I thought it added "character." I wanted an edge I guess), went out on dates, had another boyfriend which is now my hubby of over a year (yay!) and a 45-50 pound weight loss (not exactly sure how much I actually lost because I never recorded anything, I just did it. Told you I was determined...LoL). I was ecstatic and healthy. I wasn't skinny (not that I wanted to be skinny or want to ever be skinny because I don't and neither does my hubby. He says I can lose weight if I want to but keep some damn flesh! Skinny to me is not sexy. That's why I rather be a healthy toned 145 pounds instead of 125 pounds because for one, with my body structure and height, I would look stick thin and secondly, I want to keep my ass, a bit of my breasts and hips! Black folks like a bit of flesh *wink*) anyway, like I was saying, I wasn't skinny and I still wanted to lose another 30-35 pounds or even though many would say I only really needed to lose another 10, 15 at the most (because I guess I carry my weight well because I am a hour glass). I was fine and curvy at my lowest weight of 180-185 pounds. I did it all on my own on my limited knowledge of the fitness world and diet. I read fitness magazines and skimmed through health books. I had a diet of fruits, veggies, chickens, lean meats and plenty of exercise (it becomes a obsession after a while). Unfortunately, I never got to lose those 20 pounds, instead I gained 70 pounds which took me almost 2 years to pack on. Word to the wise: if your husband/ boyfriend is thin and fit, eats like a horse and stays thin and fit, this doesn't mean you will too!! Trust me, I'm learning the hard way. For some odd reason, I had the notion that I would never pack on the pounds...phftt...another lesson learned the hard way...never say never. So here I am at 250 pounds, trying to motivate myself because at this rate, I'll be 300 pounds by 2005 and I just can’t let that happen, I won’t allow it. My right knee sometimes hurts which I know is from carrying all this weight, I feel totally uncomfortable in my own body and I have 10 new pairs of jeans that I have never worn because I went shopping thinking I was a size 14/16...HAAAAAAAAAA!! More like a size 18 or maybe even a 20...so now I KNOW it's time to get busy. Not only am I going to reach deep down inside to get the strength to love myself and to heal old but still open wounds, I will successfully lose 105 pounds (which will bring me to a healthy toned 145). I know it won’t always be easy, I know it won't take 3 months to lose 105 pounds because it didn’t take me 3 months to gain it but 2 years. No rush and no pressure here. I’m doing this to gain control of my weight issue, to gain better self-esteem, to gain happiness and make peace with my body and to become healthy which is the main reason. Diabetes run rapid in my family and I have to face fact, if I don’t get healthy, I will have diabetes and it would be a shame because it’s something that can be prevented.

So, this is my story but it’s far from over. This is just a mere chapter in my life that I am ready to finish and I know I will, without a doubt.