For elmo
I miss elmo so much. I just learned she died last year. I don't know what to write, but my friend did. So here are her words.




Letter To A Lost Soul

By: Sarah Reed




There I go again, words spilling from my mouth

Pouring out countless thoughts of rambling nonsense

Once again, my head explodes with meaningless thoughts of fatuity

And I cannot make it stop

Again and again I visit this place thats held in the depths of my mind

A place full of outrage and counter curses of rotting memories

All that exists is the decomposing corps of my undistinguishable past



I sing a sweet melody of sympathetic regret

All the while I sit staring blankly out the windows crystal glare

The darkness of the night surrounds me in a distorted unrecognizable sense of loneliness

My eyes are heavy with anguish, but I cannot seem to sleep a wink



Blindly I look for you through the thick blanket of snow

And silently I shed a tear, for I know that you are not to return back to me

Dear sweet Muse of tails unknown sing to me a story so sweet

Let the words ring in my ears and capture my dark soul

A distinct aroma fills the air and a smile dances across my lips

I know it is only my imagination running away from me,

But, the alluring scent of lavender, is you

I shut my eyes but only for a moment in time

And I invision your angelic face

You extend your hand to me, and I reach out to hold it,

But, I quickly remember, its only make believe



I open my eyes, as tears begin cascading down my flushed cheeks

The light from the clock that is placed upon my beau-row flashes off my glistening tears

For hours I sit in the same place, wishing away the time

And hoping it all was a simple nightmare

Why did it all have to end up this way?

I gladly would trade places with you

But, I dont belong in a heavenly paradise



Dear sweet angel from above, this letter I write to you

Is not to upset you, but to let you know that tonight, I am letting go of your sweet memory

For so long Ive held onto the past and I simply need to move on

I will always hold you near to me, but I am letting go of the burden of death

This is no good-bye I am simple shutting the door so I can begin a better life

I bid you fair well, and all my love to you

-forever, me

Love
I love you.

I don't know why,
I just do.

Maybe it's because in your arms I feel safe.
Or how you don't seem to want anything,
But to make me happy.

Do you love me?

I just want to know.

If you don't,
That's okay.

My feelings won't change because of that,

I don't see why you like me though.
I seem to hurt all that do.

And I'm so scared,
That somehow,
I'll hurt you.

You don't deserve to be hurt.
That's why I don't deserve you.

But if it makes you happy,
I'll stay with you.

You deserve to be happy.


I'm sorry when I seem so distance,
It's not you.

Then again,
It is.

I'm scared I'll do something stupid,
Say something wrong.
And it'll be over.

You wouldn't do anything,
It will be all me.

Like I almost did a couple weeks ago,
or this morning.

You'd say nothing,
I'd say everything.

I'm set off so easily.

Little things seem so big.

For instance,
I know you're hiding something.

Probably nothing big,
But it bothers me.

Maybe if I tell you something
You will feel better,

Or maybe just make you feel worse.

I never fall out of love.

I still love him you know.

Not him now,
But him then.

I will always love you for you now.

Now I'm just confusing myself.
Things happen so fast.

Sometimes I just want it to stop,
Or at least slow down.

But I just have to let things be as they should.
Accept change.
Move on.

But I can always remember.

We all change.
That is the only thing that will always be the same.

Today
You Keep asking me what's wrong
I'm sorry,
I can't say.

Yelling from all directions,
No one to comfort me.

No one really cared.
Don't tell me that you do,
I know that.

But why?
Why do you care so much about me?

I've done nothing
You've done much.

I really don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anything.
But as I said,
Nobody cares.

Don't tell me that they care.
They're only here out of pity.
They only pretend to care.

The people that cared are lost.
Never to be found again.

Lost like my life.

Which is far, far, down the drain.

I'm failing at life.
I'm not able to do what I love.
But at least I do love.

But I guess,
That in a way,
Thats the problem.

I fall in love. to easily,
trust to easily,
care to much.

I just fall to piece.
Break to easily.

I just keep falling,
Waiting to hit the ground.

Having something so drastic happen,
That all life stops.

I can sense it,
The ground,
closing in on me.

And I can't see anything there,
To catch and save me.

The world is emptier
It happend,

She died.

Beloved mother and friend.

I only knew her for two years,
but that was enough for her to become family.

I don't feel.

I can't.

I can't do anything right now.

This wasn't supposed to happen.


The worst thing is I knew.

Why did I have to know?

SHE'S DEAD

GONE

I will never see her smile again,
or hear her laugh.


I can't stop crying.

People want to cheer me up,
but it's immpossible.

How can people go on.

I know people die,
but it's like no one cares.

I wake up and all I feel is hollow.
I can't breath.
I feel like I'm being crushed.

How is it possible?
How is it that she's dead?

But if I feel like this,
it has to be a million times worse for him.

It was his mother.

How can he not just lay down and die.

I wish I could comfort him.
To tell him it will be alright.

But how can I say something I don't believe?

Sunday was when it happend,
but I feel like it was months ago.

Time moves so slowly.

And my heart just want to stop.

The last words I ever heard from her were
"Happy late birthday"
that was tuesday, and she was so happy.

But was she happy her last momments?

I don't know how I'm going to go on.

How I can still live.

How I can not die on the spot.

I knew for a reason.
But the reason I don't know.

This shouldn't have happend.

She was doing better.

But she's gone.

Forever.

She was loved.

And still is.

I can't say I'll miss her.

Because to me,

She never left.

It's too unreal.

It's not me living anymore.

Not me writing this either.

I think my friends can tell.

I try to pretend to be happy.

But I can't.

Maybe one day I'll be back.

But my heart is still with her.

She won't leave my life.

But she left hers.

I don't know anything anymore.

I can't do it.

This life.

Right now it's gone.

But it might come back.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I don't feel right saying goodbye to her.
So I'll say hello.

Hello to her new life,
her new happieness.

I know she is still here,
until we all find closure,
she'll be with us.

So to our loving friend I say,
Hello.

Death.
A scream of millions,
using their last breath.
This is the sound of death.

That is what I heard.

Awoke from my sleep
from a banshee scream.

Someone I love will die.

All I can ask,
is
why?

its over
I don't love him anymore.
I stopped a while ago.

Why did he have to kiss her?
Why in front of me?
He knew I was in love with him.

This happened before we started dating
It shouldn't have mattered.
It's his life,
I'm not in control of him.

But He kissed her
IN FRONT OF ME!

I was there,
but it felt like I was somewhere else.

He claimed he had always loved me.
The way I had always loved him.

That's why I said yes.

But the whole time all I could think about was her.

Why had he kissed her in front of me?
Especially if he loved my like he said.

I know that was before we were dating,
but if he loved me so, why would he want to break me?

I think people need to think more.

I walked with him and we talked,
we sat, then she came.

I was invisible.
No one cared what I thought.

Then right in front of me he kissed her.

I wanted to cry,
but I couldn't.

Not in front of him.

I had to pretend it was nothing.

We were only friends.

Because I loved him,
I let him go.

I refused to love him anymore.
I would have died from pain.

Then he asked me.

Of course I said yes.

It wasn't the same though.
I had buried my feelings long ago.

But I remembered how I had felt.
I wanted to love him.

But I couldn't.

The relationship became a lie.

And I saw the hurt in his eyes,
heard it in his voice.

It was almost as bad as the pain I had felt.
I couldn't do something like that to someone.

Hurt them,
the way they hurt me.

I only stayed with him so I could say I had a boyfriend.

I was using him.

It had to stop.

The note was painful to write,
but it had to be done.

I don't like witnessing pain.

Had I done it in person I would only have hurt him more.

I'd still be living the lie.

He still loves me though.
And I wish I could love him.

I hope he finds someone to be with.
To love him the way I couldn't.

Everyone needs love.

Why?!
What did I do to deserve this?

Was it my support for you,
My worrying?

I wanted to be your friend.
I've been your friend.

What did I do to you.

I was there when you needed me.
I stayed when all else left.

But I guess that wasn't enough.
Nothing's enough for you.

What did you do to me.

You put me through hell.

If something bad happens
It's my fault.

If something doesn't go your way,
I'm in your way.

What do I do?

I stay.
I listen.

What do you do?

Scream.
Blame.
Control.

I'm fed up.

But I can't do a thing.
No matter what,
I always forgive you.

Even when you don't deserve it.

You mean something to me.
I mean Nothing to you.

It tears me up.

All you have left of me is scraps.

I don't feel real.
Like I'm already dead.

But you sit their.
Being Queen.

You don't think I know what you say.
I can hear you.

Your glad I'm gone.

I wish I could just leave you,
But I need you.

I need you to be safe,
to be whole.

If you read this,
You wouldn't think it was you.
You never do anything to hurt anyone.

But then again maybe you will.
It's always about you.
Isn't it?

You may not know this,

What you do,

HURTS.

I don't want to leave,
but if you act like this
I'll have to.

I can't have you kill me.

So if this is it,
Goodbye.

Awsome week
Now Playing: i have always loved him
Everything is getting in place this week. It has to mean something. Personally I'll think this means I'll will have an AWESOME year.
Most my grades are good, and I'll'm on the board of one of my clubs... and he finally asked me out.
Of coarse I said yes.
I'll know you most likely don't know who he is so I'll tell you.
He is my best friend. Since I first saw him I fell in love. That is why he can hurt me easer then everyone Else. He seems too good to be true and anything that meant he might not of been what I thought he was crushed me.
My mom doesn't know, and she won't for a while.
She doesn't like him because of what he does to me emotionally.
She just doesn't know how strong my feelings are and that it is me doing this to myself.
Until I see otherwise... all his wrongdoings will be wiped clean.
well hopefully all will go well.

sorry
Mood:  special
sorry about not posting for a while.
I have had a busy life so far.
so...
I have lots to say and little time to say it
well I'll post it on a diffrent title so thats it for me.

Tests

Tests, tests, tests.
Life is full of tests.
I'm not just talking about tests at school, or even a driving test.

There are tests in friendship, and loyalty.
Tests in honesty.
Tests that in the end, depict your character.

What you do, or say will always be in the minds of some one,
Some where.

Your whole life is a test.
What that test is for, is your decision.

Every one judges how you do on tests.
Escpecialy you.

It is true when people say that YOU are your own worst critic.

And in the end,
You decide the outcome of these tests.