The world is emptier
It happend,

She died.

Beloved mother and friend.

I only knew her for two years,
but that was enough for her to become family.

I don't feel.

I can't.

I can't do anything right now.

This wasn't supposed to happen.


The worst thing is I knew.

Why did I have to know?

SHE'S DEAD

GONE

I will never see her smile again,
or hear her laugh.


I can't stop crying.

People want to cheer me up,
but it's immpossible.

How can people go on.

I know people die,
but it's like no one cares.

I wake up and all I feel is hollow.
I can't breath.
I feel like I'm being crushed.

How is it possible?
How is it that she's dead?

But if I feel like this,
it has to be a million times worse for him.

It was his mother.

How can he not just lay down and die.

I wish I could comfort him.
To tell him it will be alright.

But how can I say something I don't believe?

Sunday was when it happend,
but I feel like it was months ago.

Time moves so slowly.

And my heart just want to stop.

The last words I ever heard from her were
"Happy late birthday"
that was tuesday, and she was so happy.

But was she happy her last momments?

I don't know how I'm going to go on.

How I can still live.

How I can not die on the spot.

I knew for a reason.
But the reason I don't know.

This shouldn't have happend.

She was doing better.

But she's gone.

Forever.

She was loved.

And still is.

I can't say I'll miss her.

Because to me,

She never left.

It's too unreal.

It's not me living anymore.

Not me writing this either.

I think my friends can tell.

I try to pretend to be happy.

But I can't.

Maybe one day I'll be back.

But my heart is still with her.

She won't leave my life.

But she left hers.

I don't know anything anymore.

I can't do it.

This life.

Right now it's gone.

But it might come back.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I don't feel right saying goodbye to her.
So I'll say hello.

Hello to her new life,
her new happieness.

I know she is still here,
until we all find closure,
she'll be with us.

So to our loving friend I say,
Hello.

Death.
A scream of millions,
using their last breath.
This is the sound of death.

That is what I heard.

Awoke from my sleep
from a banshee scream.

Someone I love will die.

All I can ask,
is
why?

its over
I don't love him anymore.
I stopped a while ago.

Why did he have to kiss her?
Why in front of me?
He knew I was in love with him.

This happened before we started dating
It shouldn't have mattered.
It's his life,
I'm not in control of him.

But He kissed her
IN FRONT OF ME!

I was there,
but it felt like I was somewhere else.

He claimed he had always loved me.
The way I had always loved him.

That's why I said yes.

But the whole time all I could think about was her.

Why had he kissed her in front of me?
Especially if he loved my like he said.

I know that was before we were dating,
but if he loved me so, why would he want to break me?

I think people need to think more.

I walked with him and we talked,
we sat, then she came.

I was invisible.
No one cared what I thought.

Then right in front of me he kissed her.

I wanted to cry,
but I couldn't.

Not in front of him.

I had to pretend it was nothing.

We were only friends.

Because I loved him,
I let him go.

I refused to love him anymore.
I would have died from pain.

Then he asked me.

Of course I said yes.

It wasn't the same though.
I had buried my feelings long ago.

But I remembered how I had felt.
I wanted to love him.

But I couldn't.

The relationship became a lie.

And I saw the hurt in his eyes,
heard it in his voice.

It was almost as bad as the pain I had felt.
I couldn't do something like that to someone.

Hurt them,
the way they hurt me.

I only stayed with him so I could say I had a boyfriend.

I was using him.

It had to stop.

The note was painful to write,
but it had to be done.

I don't like witnessing pain.

Had I done it in person I would only have hurt him more.

I'd still be living the lie.

He still loves me though.
And I wish I could love him.

I hope he finds someone to be with.
To love him the way I couldn't.

Everyone needs love.

Why?!
What did I do to deserve this?

Was it my support for you,
My worrying?

I wanted to be your friend.
I've been your friend.

What did I do to you.

I was there when you needed me.
I stayed when all else left.

But I guess that wasn't enough.
Nothing's enough for you.

What did you do to me.

You put me through hell.

If something bad happens
It's my fault.

If something doesn't go your way,
I'm in your way.

What do I do?

I stay.
I listen.

What do you do?

Scream.
Blame.
Control.

I'm fed up.

But I can't do a thing.
No matter what,
I always forgive you.

Even when you don't deserve it.

You mean something to me.
I mean Nothing to you.

It tears me up.

All you have left of me is scraps.

I don't feel real.
Like I'm already dead.

But you sit their.
Being Queen.

You don't think I know what you say.
I can hear you.

Your glad I'm gone.

I wish I could just leave you,
But I need you.

I need you to be safe,
to be whole.

If you read this,
You wouldn't think it was you.
You never do anything to hurt anyone.

But then again maybe you will.
It's always about you.
Isn't it?

You may not know this,

What you do,

HURTS.

I don't want to leave,
but if you act like this
I'll have to.

I can't have you kill me.

So if this is it,
Goodbye.

Awsome week
Now Playing: i have always loved him
Everything is getting in place this week. It has to mean something. Personally I'll think this means I'll will have an AWESOME year.
Most my grades are good, and I'll'm on the board of one of my clubs... and he finally asked me out.
Of coarse I said yes.
I'll know you most likely don't know who he is so I'll tell you.
He is my best friend. Since I first saw him I fell in love. That is why he can hurt me easer then everyone Else. He seems too good to be true and anything that meant he might not of been what I thought he was crushed me.
My mom doesn't know, and she won't for a while.
She doesn't like him because of what he does to me emotionally.
She just doesn't know how strong my feelings are and that it is me doing this to myself.
Until I see otherwise... all his wrongdoings will be wiped clean.
well hopefully all will go well.

sorry
Mood:  special
sorry about not posting for a while.
I have had a busy life so far.
so...
I have lots to say and little time to say it
well I'll post it on a diffrent title so thats it for me.

Tests

Tests, tests, tests.
Life is full of tests.
I'm not just talking about tests at school, or even a driving test.

There are tests in friendship, and loyalty.
Tests in honesty.
Tests that in the end, depict your character.

What you do, or say will always be in the minds of some one,
Some where.

Your whole life is a test.
What that test is for, is your decision.

Every one judges how you do on tests.
Escpecialy you.

It is true when people say that YOU are your own worst critic.

And in the end,
You decide the outcome of these tests.

Trust
She doesn't trust me...
I don't know why.

If I did something to her,
I'd lose her.

She's the world to me.
I couldn't bear to let something so important go.

I would do everything for her,
Keep us together,
Anything less would not be enough.

I would never do something to hurt her,
Ever.

I don't want to lose anything so important.

She doesn't even trust her boyfriend,
At least not with me.

I wouldn't touch him,
He wouldn't touch me.

We are only friends,
We don't want to hurt her.

We would never want to do that.

Personaly I hope she reads this,
She'll understand.

She knows I need to be with people,
To communicate, to feel wanted.

I trust her with my life,
But does she trust me with hers?

Judgements
Mood:  happy
Why do people judge others on first impressions?
It makes no sense.

What you see is not always what you get.
The old saying is true.
"Don't judge a book by it's cover"

If only people could look past appearences... deep into the soul of a person.

Less judgment, more truth.

Not many people out there actually take time to get to know a person.
They judge on one look,
One thought.

If the first time you meet someone, it goes out badly,
It will go badly the next.

Not because it is impossible to overcome differences,
But because people take only glances at a time.
No one ever takes time to actually get to know someone when they first meet.

If the world did that, there would be more understanding. More peace.

Not to say there aren't people that you can't get along with,
Just that if you look from their point of view, you could understand.

Evil comes from the people, usually people who were judged,
So the real evil, comes from judgment.

It comes from pressure, the need to be the same,
The need to be perfect.

No one ever is perfect, so everyone beats themselves up more,
Trying to achieve an impossible goal.

It would be a lot easier with no pressure,
But with out pressure, there is no need.

No need to love,
No need to care,
No need to be.

Pressure is good as well as bad.
It all depends on where it comes from and how it's received.

People need pressure,
Just like people need judgment.

Both are bad,
But both have some good.

You need to be able to judge yourself,
Judge in right and wrong.

Don't judge on first impressions,
Judge on the true self.

Don't compare anyone to anything,
But themselves.

In time they will open up,
And show their picture of their heart,
Their true selves.

ME
Mood:  don't ask
Is it true.....
I heard from someone, someone I trusted, that you aren't my friend.
This has happened before, but I being so stupid, believed you.
I don't trust people; I have good reason not to.
Everyone I have ever trusted, tore me up inside.
They always say they're sorry, and I believe them.
When they ask if we still can be friends, I say yes.
Then it happens all over again.
I used to trust everyone.
I trust NO one.

Sometimes I wonder about all my friends.
Are they for real?
I think most don't actually like me.
How could anyone like someone,
So UGLY, STUPID, and such a FAILURE.
It has to be in pity,
It always is.

You're right about the phobias,
I'm afraid of failure.
Failure to be right,
Failure to be liked,
Failure to be perfect.

I used to be perfect,
Had good grades,
Had good friends,
Very smart,
And somewhat
Pretty.

Something changed...
No one liked me anymore,
Grades were nonexistent.
Just like my intelligence.

Something happened....
I suddenly was an Ugly Failure, with No Friends.
I was Depressed,
Unwanted,
And wanted to run.

But I was afraid of failure.
Afraid I couldn't find somewhere,
Afraid I'd be caught,
Afraid,
And gave up before starting.

Every time I told someone, they'd turn they're back on me.
No one liked me,
I wanted to be someone else.

I wanted a different life,
A life with friends I could trust,
Who would care how I feel,
A life with less stress,
No need to be perfect,
A life with success,
Where everything I did was a good job.

That won't happen,
It can never happen,
Not in my life.

I used to want to end it all,
But what's the point?
It'll happen all over again,
Be the same person,
Have the same problems,
Never find a solution.

Before I thought that,I was afraid of failure
Afraid I couldn't do it,
Afraid I wouldn't go.

I won't do it now,
I won't do it ever.

I know my life won't change,
But I'll tough it out.
It's not too hard to do.
All you have to do is
Pretend the world is not real.
Nothing will ever exist for me.
Not anymore.

People hate me, I'll live with that.
I'll always fail, I'll live with that.
I'll always be ugly, I'll live with that.

People say I'm not alone.
If I'm not, how come it feels that way?

People say they care.
I don't believe them.
If they'd care, they'd do something.

I know no one cares.
Not even I care.

Why should I?
Nothing will ever change.
Not one thing.

I do have dreams though....
I want to try and live them,
I'll try and make people care.

I care for people,
I don't want them to feel like me.
I want to help people, make them feel safe,
Make them trust me.

How can anyone trust someone, who trusts no one?
Every time I ever try and help, things get worse.

I love to sing,
Singing is my passion,
My life goal is to sing for the world.

That will never happen....
You have to be beautiful,
I'm UGLY,
You have to be able to sing,
I sound like a GOOSE.

I used to want to play sports,
But I don't have any skills what so ever.
I don't have any skills in anything.

Am I Happy?
I only ever pretend to be happy,
Why should I be,?

I only ever disappoint people.
They want something from me that I can't give.

I can't give anyone, anything,
Not even myself.

I can't get myself anything but failure,
Failure at Friends,
Failure at School,
Failure in Life.

No matter how hard I try, I will always fail.

You may say that's pessimistic,
But it's the truth.

The truth....
What is it?
Is it what I believe is real?
Or is that just a lie I told myself?

People say I always lie,
But everything I have ever said, I believe.
My psychiatrist says maybe I see my own world.
Not so hard to believe.

My psychiatrist also says that all my problems can be solved with medication.
Having little capsules release some unknown chemical to change me.
No one wants the real me.
Not even me.

Maybe I should just get over it.
Everyone would agree.

But how?

Just Ignore it?

Have you ever tried?

Don't feel sorry for me,
Don't say you're sorry,
Don't cry,
Don't even look at me,
Don't even try.
You can't help me.
No one can help me,
Not one thing can help me,
Not me,
Not anyone else,
Not even you.

Best I can do is
Be myself,
Not anything I can do about it.
I just have to live with it.
And one day....
Die with it.

But no matter what,
I'll still be here,
Being me.
I still will be a failure, no one will ever like me,
But I'll be me.
No one can change me,
They've all tried,
I'll always be me.

I guess that's all that matters.