Tests

Tests, tests, tests.
Life is full of tests.
I'm not just talking about tests at school, or even a driving test.

There are tests in friendship, and loyalty.
Tests in honesty.
Tests that in the end, depict your character.

What you do, or say will always be in the minds of some one,
Some where.

Your whole life is a test.
What that test is for, is your decision.

Every one judges how you do on tests.
Escpecialy you.

It is true when people say that YOU are your own worst critic.

And in the end,
You decide the outcome of these tests.

Trust
She doesn't trust me...
I don't know why.

If I did something to her,
I'd lose her.

She's the world to me.
I couldn't bear to let something so important go.

I would do everything for her,
Keep us together,
Anything less would not be enough.

I would never do something to hurt her,
Ever.

I don't want to lose anything so important.

She doesn't even trust her boyfriend,
At least not with me.

I wouldn't touch him,
He wouldn't touch me.

We are only friends,
We don't want to hurt her.

We would never want to do that.

Personaly I hope she reads this,
She'll understand.

She knows I need to be with people,
To communicate, to feel wanted.

I trust her with my life,
But does she trust me with hers?

Judgements
Mood:  happy
Why do people judge others on first impressions?
It makes no sense.

What you see is not always what you get.
The old saying is true.
"Don't judge a book by it's cover"

If only people could look past appearences... deep into the soul of a person.

Less judgment, more truth.

Not many people out there actually take time to get to know a person.
They judge on one look,
One thought.

If the first time you meet someone, it goes out badly,
It will go badly the next.

Not because it is impossible to overcome differences,
But because people take only glances at a time.
No one ever takes time to actually get to know someone when they first meet.

If the world did that, there would be more understanding. More peace.

Not to say there aren't people that you can't get along with,
Just that if you look from their point of view, you could understand.

Evil comes from the people, usually people who were judged,
So the real evil, comes from judgment.

It comes from pressure, the need to be the same,
The need to be perfect.

No one ever is perfect, so everyone beats themselves up more,
Trying to achieve an impossible goal.

It would be a lot easier with no pressure,
But with out pressure, there is no need.

No need to love,
No need to care,
No need to be.

Pressure is good as well as bad.
It all depends on where it comes from and how it's received.

People need pressure,
Just like people need judgment.

Both are bad,
But both have some good.

You need to be able to judge yourself,
Judge in right and wrong.

Don't judge on first impressions,
Judge on the true self.

Don't compare anyone to anything,
But themselves.

In time they will open up,
And show their picture of their heart,
Their true selves.

ME
Mood:  don't ask
Is it true.....
I heard from someone, someone I trusted, that you aren't my friend.
This has happened before, but I being so stupid, believed you.
I don't trust people; I have good reason not to.
Everyone I have ever trusted, tore me up inside.
They always say they're sorry, and I believe them.
When they ask if we still can be friends, I say yes.
Then it happens all over again.
I used to trust everyone.
I trust NO one.

Sometimes I wonder about all my friends.
Are they for real?
I think most don't actually like me.
How could anyone like someone,
So UGLY, STUPID, and such a FAILURE.
It has to be in pity,
It always is.

You're right about the phobias,
I'm afraid of failure.
Failure to be right,
Failure to be liked,
Failure to be perfect.

I used to be perfect,
Had good grades,
Had good friends,
Very smart,
And somewhat
Pretty.

Something changed...
No one liked me anymore,
Grades were nonexistent.
Just like my intelligence.

Something happened....
I suddenly was an Ugly Failure, with No Friends.
I was Depressed,
Unwanted,
And wanted to run.

But I was afraid of failure.
Afraid I couldn't find somewhere,
Afraid I'd be caught,
Afraid,
And gave up before starting.

Every time I told someone, they'd turn they're back on me.
No one liked me,
I wanted to be someone else.

I wanted a different life,
A life with friends I could trust,
Who would care how I feel,
A life with less stress,
No need to be perfect,
A life with success,
Where everything I did was a good job.

That won't happen,
It can never happen,
Not in my life.

I used to want to end it all,
But what's the point?
It'll happen all over again,
Be the same person,
Have the same problems,
Never find a solution.

Before I thought that,I was afraid of failure
Afraid I couldn't do it,
Afraid I wouldn't go.

I won't do it now,
I won't do it ever.

I know my life won't change,
But I'll tough it out.
It's not too hard to do.
All you have to do is
Pretend the world is not real.
Nothing will ever exist for me.
Not anymore.

People hate me, I'll live with that.
I'll always fail, I'll live with that.
I'll always be ugly, I'll live with that.

People say I'm not alone.
If I'm not, how come it feels that way?

People say they care.
I don't believe them.
If they'd care, they'd do something.

I know no one cares.
Not even I care.

Why should I?
Nothing will ever change.
Not one thing.

I do have dreams though....
I want to try and live them,
I'll try and make people care.

I care for people,
I don't want them to feel like me.
I want to help people, make them feel safe,
Make them trust me.

How can anyone trust someone, who trusts no one?
Every time I ever try and help, things get worse.

I love to sing,
Singing is my passion,
My life goal is to sing for the world.

That will never happen....
You have to be beautiful,
I'm UGLY,
You have to be able to sing,
I sound like a GOOSE.

I used to want to play sports,
But I don't have any skills what so ever.
I don't have any skills in anything.

Am I Happy?
I only ever pretend to be happy,
Why should I be,?

I only ever disappoint people.
They want something from me that I can't give.

I can't give anyone, anything,
Not even myself.

I can't get myself anything but failure,
Failure at Friends,
Failure at School,
Failure in Life.

No matter how hard I try, I will always fail.

You may say that's pessimistic,
But it's the truth.

The truth....
What is it?
Is it what I believe is real?
Or is that just a lie I told myself?

People say I always lie,
But everything I have ever said, I believe.
My psychiatrist says maybe I see my own world.
Not so hard to believe.

My psychiatrist also says that all my problems can be solved with medication.
Having little capsules release some unknown chemical to change me.
No one wants the real me.
Not even me.

Maybe I should just get over it.
Everyone would agree.

But how?

Just Ignore it?

Have you ever tried?

Don't feel sorry for me,
Don't say you're sorry,
Don't cry,
Don't even look at me,
Don't even try.
You can't help me.
No one can help me,
Not one thing can help me,
Not me,
Not anyone else,
Not even you.

Best I can do is
Be myself,
Not anything I can do about it.
I just have to live with it.
And one day....
Die with it.

But no matter what,
I'll still be here,
Being me.
I still will be a failure, no one will ever like me,
But I'll be me.
No one can change me,
They've all tried,
I'll always be me.

I guess that's all that matters.