He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him "I dare you to do it again."
from Maranatha Christian Journal's Webwatch http//www.pe.net/mcj
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Memlok Book & Music Store NEW!
http//www.memlok.com/bookstore.com
Up to 40% off.thousands of books or music items. Chuck Swindoll, John MacArthur, Mary Pride, Cathy Duffy, R C Sproul, Carman, Gregg Harris, Chuck Colson, Pilgrim's Progress...you name it. I may review one book, but when you "Check it out", you'll find many more titles for authors/songwriters.
Every time you originate an order to Amazon.com from any Memlok page, you make a small contribution to this ministry! Think GIFT and grab your credit card! Thank You!
Tip You pay shipping, so, on small orders, it about balances the sales tax you would have paid. But of course, you are saving a minimum of 20% to begin with, and don't have to make the trip! For $2 it will be gift-wrapped too. The savings get larger as you buy more in one order. Try it out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The "System"
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
..source unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are an Internet Addict when...
1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Memlok Stories. Be encouraged!
We are loving our Memlok!! My 14 year old daughter has been faithful since day 1. She is just sailing right along and doesn't have to be told to do it. My son and I are just now getting started. We have incorporated it into our school day since we homeschool. It is going to be an asset to our homeschool curriculum this and every year. It is a part of their daily lesson plan so that it won't be forgotten.
Pam Stefanov Midland, TX
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12. Your dog has its own home page.
13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22. Your wife makes a new rule "The computer cannot come to bed." 23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
..source unknown
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

s Follow the Leader?
To become a stronger leader, study the words of leaders who have gone before us. Right?
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

DUMB AND DUMBER
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
************************************************************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to
be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
************************************************************
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.
************************************************************
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five
workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
************************************************************
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
************************************************************
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
************************************************************
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
************************************************************
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
************************************************************
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.
************************************************************
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Real Answering Machine Messages
----------- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is
his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

-----------Please leave a message. However, you have the right
to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

-----------Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of
the tone, please hang up.

----------- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it
if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks.

----------- (Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered,
trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and
shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead---this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

----------- (Recorded directly from AT&T:) > We're sorry, but the
number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Hi,
you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem > ruoy
evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

---------------- The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been
changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Actual Resume Quotes
From: Larryspeak@aol.com

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheet progroms."

"Received a plague for salesperson of the year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."

"My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"Personal interests: donating blood, fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never
quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my previous three employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The World's Shortest Books
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many
rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan

- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Goldwynisms
Originally from: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions
and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English
language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out"
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just
want every man woman and child in America to see it."

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that
were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in
this business."
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you
shouldn't see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight
success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving
you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm
giving you a definite maybe."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
Contributed by Debbi & Royce Melli
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Axioms for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
contributed by Debbi Melli
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

PILOTS
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a
guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Contributed by the Melli's