The Joke War
by Michelle Paquette
Part Six
Captain Janeway sat at the desk in her quarters, sipping on a warm mug of black coffee and looking out at the stars. She was deep in thought, pondering the piece of advice she had given Seven of Nine earlier.
Was it the right thing for her to have told Seven to do? Janeway wasn't sure. She often worried about her young protegé. She felt somehow responsible for Seven's well-being and tried to help her along as much as she could. "Computer, the time," Janeway demanded.
"It is twenty-one hundred eleven hours."
Voyager's captain sighed to herself. She wondered how the date was going. Were they still in the holodeck? Or had The Doctor left in a fit of jealous rage? She expected the latter. "Computer, locate Seven of Nine."
"Seven of Nine is in Holodeck Two."
"Is Ensign Phillips also in Holodeck Two?" Seven had informed Janeway that Phillips would be her 'date' for the evening.
"Affirmative," came the response.
"So far, so good. Now locate The Doctor."
"The EMH is in Sickbay."
Aha! So he had left, for whatever reason. This was good news. Captain Janeway smiled as a thought came to her; a way to find out some information.
It was time for a checkup.
* * * * *
"Captain! What are you doing here?" The Doctor was surprised and not especially pleased to see Janeway walk into Sickbay. He rose from his chair and approached her.
The captain smiled at his forced enthusiasm. "Actually, I've come for my checkup."
"Okay," was the reply.
Janeway was surprised. "Aren't you going to congratulate me on being a day early? Usually I need a few reminders."
"Oh. Yes; glad you could make it." The Doctor said absentmindedly as he crossed the room to get a medical tricorder.
Immediately Captain Janeway was suspicious of his mannerisms. She was sure she knew exactly what was bothering him. It had to be his recent encounter with Seven and Phillips on the holodeck.
Smiling coyly, Janeway removed the tricorder from The Doctor's hand and looked him directly in the eye. She decided to be direct. "How do you feel about Seven of Nine?" she asked simply, keeping her eyes upon him.
"I-- uh, I don't know what you mean," the hologram stuttered, taken aback.
Janeway smiled knowingly at the flustered CMO. She moved in for the kill. "Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean. You and Seven seem to have grown... closer over the past few years. I'm curious to know the nature of your feelings towards her."
The Doctor flushed a deep crimson. "What is this, Captain, the third degree?" he managed to get out.
Janeway smiled again. She opened her mouth to pry further, but then was interrupted by the sound of the Sickbay doors whooshing open.
The Doctor turned toward the entranceway, glad for the distraction. It was Neelix. The Doctor was grateful to the Talaxian for rescuing him from the uncomfortable situation.
Janeway, on the other hand, was annoyed by Neelix's unscheduled appearance. She closed her mouth and handed back The Doctor's medical tricorder wordlessly.
"Hello, Doctor!" Neelix called out with the enthusiasm he always seemed to have. Then he noticed Janeway. "Captain! Good evening!"
"Hello, Neelix," she and The Doctor said almost in unison.
The Talaxian chuckled and rustled through his plastic bag. He came out with an invitation for The Doctor and proceeded to hand it to him. Just as he did so, he caught sight of the hologram's face and could immediately tell something was bothering him. "Is there something wrong, Doctor?" he asked.
"No." The Doctor answered, in a tone that implied it was none of his buisness.
Neelix was not offended. "Very well, then. Anyway, there's your invitation. I'll bet you thought I forgot all about you, didn't you?" he teased.
"Invitation to what?" The Doctor asked impatiently, tapping his foot.
"You mean, no one mentioned it to you? I'm hosting another shipwide talent show."
"No," The EMH replied with disgust. "It seems as if I'm always the last one on Voyager to know anything."
"Well, you know now," Janeway put in. "Are you going to perform?"
The Doctor shook his head. "I'll have to think about it."
"Well, better think fast; the talent show is in less than three days."
"Three days!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Well, I'm sorry, Neelix, my answer is no. That's just not enough time to prepare."
Captain Janeway placed her hand on his shoulder. "Don't sell yourself short, Doctor. I'm sure you can come up with a little something to dazzle us with."
He thought for a moment and then nodded his head slowly. "Very well," he told Neelix. "I suppose I could be ready by then."
"Good, good!" The Talaxian clapped his hands together. "I'll put you down for a vocal solo."
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a duet. I'm sure I can round up a suitable partner."
"Okay, a duet it is." Neelix made changes on his PADD. Then he snapped his head up. "Oh, and one more thing: the seating plan."
The captain was puzzled. "Why do you need a seating plan if it's only going to be a talent show?"
Neelix turned to her. "It's not going to be only a talent show. It's also going to be a banquet. My finest yet! It says so right on the invitation, Captain."
Janeway widened her eyes. "Oh. Well, that should be nice. Who did you seat me with?" She asked with a mischeivious twinkle in her eye.
"With Tuvok and Commander Chakotay. And you, Doctor, are seated with Seven, of course." He let out a chuckle and gave The Doctor a knowing wink..
The hologram felt enraged. "What's that supposed to mean? And why do you assume we should be seated together?"
Neelix took a step backward. "You... uh, ah... I don't know..." he stuttered. "I suppose... because you two always come to my shindigs together."
"Well, you'll just have to seat Seven of Nine somewhere else," The Doctor told him coldly.
Neelix shot a confused glance at Janeway, who merely shrugged. The Doctor's jealousy became more evident to her with every word he spoke. "Perhaps she would enjoy sitting beside Ensign Phillips," she suggested with an innocent expression on her face. As she said this, she looked over at The Doctor, who was blushing furiously.
"Ensign Phillips?" repeated Neelix. "Why him?"
"Oh, haven't you heard?" The Doctor told him with a sneer. "Apparently he's her new male companion." Secretly, he wondered howJaneway knew about Seven and Phillips.
Neelix could sense the tension in the air. "Alright; I guess I could modify the arrangement to accomodate that," he said slowly. "And who would you like to be seated with?"
The Doctor didn't hesitate to reply, "Ensign Claire Jenkins."
"Jenkins; okay," Neelix mumbled as he pressed the buttons on his PADD. "I'll check with her, but I'm sure that would be fine."
Janeway was puzzled. Jenkins? What did she have to do with anything?
*****
Seven wished the pounding she felt in her head would stop. She struggled to concentrate on what John Phillips was saying to her.
"...so then I told him, 'Come on now, you couldn't really have caught an Andorian Salapi fish that was three feet long!' But he just wouldn't admit he was lying! He kept saying that he..."
Seven tuned the Ensign out again. Apparently he was in the middle of another boring story. After The Doctor had left, they had sang a few songs, but Phillips' lack of vocal talent had left Seven wishing he had been the one to leave the holodeck.
After John had seen her lack of interest in singing with him, he had suggested they try another activity instead; talking. So now she found herself listening to him prattle on, telling story after story, none of which had interested her.
Seven had thought that Phillips was shy and soft-spoken, but hearing him embark on lengthy tales about himself and his experiences made her change her mind. Apparently, she had misjudged him.
She found her mind wandering even as she nodded at appropriate intervals in his story. Thoughts of The Doctor drifted through her mind. She recalled how they could converse for hours without her once feeling bored or out-of-place. He made her feel special and unique.
Seven studied John Phillips as he spoke. It seemed almost as if she were watching him in slow-motion. His face, which she at first had perceived to hold a rugged handsomeness, now repulsed her. His too-wide mouth stretched open and closed as he droned on, accentuating every syllable with a nasal tone. His eyes, beady and close-set, goggled back and forth irritatingly, and his nose was too pointy, too sharp. The Doctor had a much nicer nose. Seven shook her head abruptly, as if the gesture could clear her thoughts. The Doctor. That is who she would rather be with right now. But instead she was here in the holodeck, wasting time listening to a stranger recount (in great detail) stories from his life.
This 'date' required immediate termination.
Seven stood up abruptly, causing Ensign Phillips to pause in mid-sentence. She became immediately aware of the dull radiating pain in her right foot which indicated it was 'asleep'. She wiggled it back and forth in the air.
"Is there something the matter?" Phillips asked her.
Seven replied as patiently as she could: "I'm afraid I must be going. I have some work to finish before my regeneration cycle."
"Okay," he said, disappointment evident in his voice. "But let me know this: Are you going to Neelix's talent show?"
"I plan to attend; yes."
"Good." A casual smile formed on the ensign's face. "I'll see you there, then."
'I certainly hope not,' was the unvoiced reponse that coursed through Seven's mind, but she replied politely, "That would be nice."
Seven exited the holodeck as quickly as her legs would carry her.
She didn't slow down until she was safe inside her 'room', Cargo Bay Two. Once there, the young woman breathed a heavy sigh of relief. She was glad it had been so easy to extricate herself from Ensign Phillips' prescence.
The 'date' had served its purpose; it seemed that The Doctor had become jealous upon seeing her spend time with another man. That could only mean one thing: he might be interested.
Seven decided to report to the captain about the success of their plan. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway," she demanded.
"Captain Janeway is in Sickbay," the female voice obliged.
Oh. Sickbay. Well, she would just have to tell her later. But what was the captain doing in Sickbay with The Doctor? Seven hoped she wasn't meddling further. She appreciated Captain Janeway's advice about her feelings for The Doctor, but sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if making him jealous was the right way to pursue the relationship. She thought perhaps the best approach might be to confront him directly. Now if only she could find the courage to do it.
But on the other hand, Seven didn't know much about relationships. The captain must know what she was talking about. As far as Seven knew, she had been in many serious relationships before, including an engagement.
It would be best to stick with the captain's plan.
*****
Tom Paris stood in front of the mirror in his quarters, making funny faces and telling jokes to his reflected self. He had committed himself to performing at Neelix's talent show, and now he had slightly less than seventy hours to write himself a decent stand-up comedy script. It was certainly do-able, but Tom wanted a knock-em-dead routine that would be sure to have his fellow crewmembers rolling on the floor with laughter. Needless to say, it would take every ounce of his creative energy to pump it out in the time remaining.
Tom stepped away from the mirror and took a seat in front of his television set. He carelessly flipped it on and began switching channels rapidly. He passed over sporting events, commercial jingles, and various episodes of "The Untouchables" that B'Elanna had replicated for him.
Suddenly Tom snapped his fingers. He'd just had a brainstorm. If B'Elanna had been able to dig up episodes of an old TV show from the 1950's, it might not be too hard to find some late 20th century comedy shows in the database. Offhand, he could think of at least two or three different 'sitcoms', as they were called, that might be worth checking out.
Tom decided his first step should be to ask B'Elanna exactly how she downloaded the show data onto microchip cards to put into the TV. He switched off the set, exited his quarters and stepped into the hallway.
Almost immediately, a young ensign approached him. Tom didn't recognize him, but he smiled anyway. "Hey Tom," the young man began, "When is your practical joke shop re-opening? I've finally saved up enough rations to make a decent order."
Tom's smile turned into a grin. He was glad his shop had retained its popularity since its opening a few days ago. Because of its success, he had finally earned enough rations to replicate something really special for his anniversary with B'Elanna. Now he only had to decide what to replicate...
"Tom?" The ensign, who in actuality was Ensign Cameron, broke into his thoughts. Paris had not responded to his inquiry.
"Oh, sorry." Tom looked sheepish. "I guess I just got lost in thought. Um, my joke shop will be closed for a few days, until Neelix's talent show is over. Then it'll be business as usual."
"Okay; great. I'll check back in a few days then." Cameron said quickly. He then waved to Tom as he trotted off down the corridor, obviously late for something.
Tom shrugged and continued on his way at a leisurely pace. He was almost at the turbolift when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, Tom, didn't you hear me calling out to you?" The voice and hand belonged to Harry Kim.
"Nope, as a matter of fact, I didn't." Tom grinned and patted his best friend on the back. "But now that you're here, what can I do for you?"
Harry smiled. "If you're not on your way somewhere important, would you like to join me on the holodeck? I've just put the finishing touches on the best holoprogram this side of the galaxy! It's hilarious. You have to see it!"
"I'm sure it's a real hoot," Tom replied, "but I'm afraid I'll have to take a raincheck. You see, I just got a collosal idea for my stand-up act. I'm gonna watch some old situation comedy shows on my television set to get some ideas."
Harry nodded his head slowly. "You know, that might not be such a bad idea. It wouldn't be too hard, either. I'm sure there are tons of episodes in the database. All we'd have to do is track them down and download the data onto portable expansion cards, like the ones B'Elanna loaded "The Untouchables" onto. It might even be fun, you know, like a treasure hunt, seeing what we can dig up."
Tom smiled broadly, glad his friend was getting so into his idea. "I notice you used the word 'we'. I could really use your help on this," he suggested.
"Sure!" Kim beamed. He led Tom into the turbolift. "I thought you'd never ask!"
*****
"There."
"What?! Done already?"
"Yup." Harry handed a stack of yellow plastic cards to Tom. "The full first season of 'Seinfeld', as you requested." he gave a small bow.
"Harry!" Tom exclaimed, clasping his hand to his heart dramatically, "What would I ever do without you?"
"No problemo, Tommy Boy. Just don't forget me when your stand-up act takes you straight to the top." Kim winked.
"Hey, it might be sooner than you think. Who knows, if this routine's a success, it could lead to anything: encore performances; comedy specials broadcasted throughout the Delta Quadrant. I could even make and sell recordings."
"Uh, maybe you should stick to selling practical joke items, at least for now," Harry suggested with a chuckle. "I can't exactly picture the Borg or Species 8472 lining up to get a copy of 'The Comedy Stylings Of Ensign Tom Paris'."
"Hah! You laugh now, but you'll see..." Tom said. "So, anyway, I can't wait to get started on this 'Seinfeld' marathon. I saw a few of the later episodes when I was a kid, but never any of the early stuff. How 'bout joining me?"
Harry looked unsure. "What is it, like, ten hours?"
"More or less."
"then it's out of the question. A ten-hour marathon and I'll be dead to the world by morning. Tuvok will have my head if I'm not one hundred percent alert for my duty shift."
Tom rolled his eyes dismissively. "Oh come on, Harry! You know Tuvok won't care. And I could use you as a sounding board to bounce my ideas off of. You can tell me what stinks and what's pure gold."
"I don't know..."
"Name your price!" Tom announced. "Come on, what'll it be? Replicator rations? Holodeck hours? A share in my company?"
"It's not that," Kim protested. "It's just... Oh, never mind." He sighed. "I guess missing one night of sleep can't affect me too much."
"That's the spirit!" Tom encouraged. "You know, at the Academy I'd pull all-nighters all the time to cram for exams or, you know... when I had female company...."
Harry held up a restraining hand. "I think I've heard enough. If we have ten hours ahead of us, shouldn't we be getting started?"
"Let's get moving," Paris agreed, and they headed toward his quarters.
*****
"Well, I can't find a single thing wrong with you," The Doctor told Janeway with a hint of pride in his patient. "I see you've been taking my advice and ingesting foods with a lower cholesterol content."
The captain smiled slightly and nodded her head.
"Glad to hear it," the hologram continued. "Well, I guess you're free to go. I'm all finished."
Janeway's mood immediately picked up and she let out a deep breath. "Great! The quicker a checkup is over, the better." She swung her legs over the side of the biobed and straightened her uniform. Then she stood up and prepared to leave. She felt a small twinge of guilt tugging at her conscience for bombarding The Doctor with questions about Seven earlier, but she merely shrugged it off.
"Goodbye, Captain!" The Doctor called out from his current position from across the room as she left.
Captain Janeway turned and gave him a brisk nod before proceeding out the door.
As soon as she was gone, The Doctor felt immediately more relaxed. He stepped away from the glowing console in front of him and tapped his commbadge. "Doctor to Ensign Jenkins."
"Hello, Doctor," was the almost instantaneous reply. "How are you doing this evening?"
The hologram was a bit taken aback by her overt friendliness. "I... I'm doing just fine. Thank you, Ensign."
"Please, call me Claire," the feminine voice insisted.
"Okay. Um, Claire..." The Doctor swallowed the lump in his throat. "Would it be possible for you to meet me down on Holodeck One in an hour?"
"Ooh, sounds intriguing," Jenkins commented. "I'll be there."
"I'll see you then. Doctor out." He ended the transmission quickly.
*****
Claire Jenkins leapt up from her armchair and threw her hands high into the air. "YES!!!" she exclaimed. The Doctor, that hunky hologram, had invited her to a date on the holodeck.
With only an hour remaining before their rendezvous, Claire began to plan out her outfit for the evening.
END OF PART SIX
