Ken takes a deep breath. "AHH, what a splendiferous day for a stroll." he sez to his-self. SPLAT, the door closes with a sploot and Ken bends over to pick up a shiny object on the porch."A coin." he observes. One side has a rubber chicken holding a string in it's beak and the other side has a large '4' on it. "Oh boy! The things I could buy with this." he says as he shoves it into his pocket. "Time to mosey on over to the sidewalk." he thinks as he notices he's not left his porch.
Over the grass and onto the sidewalk,"Wow, I made it!" he exclaims with rapture,"time for a quick rest." So he plops it down in the gutter and takes a look around. Across the street Mr. Bigchest is ravaging his hedges with a chainsaw. "Gee he's gotten off to an early start today. I wonder if he's gonna put on his tu-tu today. I sure hope so! That always makes me feel happy." Getting bored of watching Mr. Bigchest turn all of his hedges and other assorted shrubery into the Easter Island heads, Ken decides to get up and walk down the street.
"Maybe the nieghborhood satist, Ned, won't find me today. Wouldn't that be the greatest?" he thinks to himself as he comes up to Daphodill's house. And what a lovely house it is too, with it's pink paint job and flamingo-shaped bushes. "It's so perfect." Ken thinks,"Maybe next week I'll drop by and do the dance of the 7 squeezes for Daphodill. Wouldn't that be a lovely spent afternoon?"
Just then Ken's Super Top Secret Mailorder Keen Bean Spy Watch goes off. "I'm here Wadsworth. What seems to be the problem?" Ken acknowledges. "Be on the lookout for Ned. I've recieved reports of his presence in the near vacinity." Wadsworth reports. "Sure thing Wadsy ol' Pal. I'll keep an eye out for him." said Ken. "Ok. And hey, be careful out there. Wadsworhth out." With this new information Ken decides to cross the street.
"Hum-dee-do-dee-do, Crossin' the street, crossin' the street."a Ken sings to himself. "Oops!" Ken says as he eats astroturf."Pppllff!" He spits out a clump and states,"I tripped on the curb." As he get's to his knees he spies a horrible sight in front of him. "Hello mister man. Whatcha doin'?" It's Tootsie, the neighborhood 'Good Girl' with her black dress and her cutesy pink ribbons. Ken is momentarily sick to his stomach. "I just got a new pet. Want to see him?" she asks innocently. Ken begins to quiver with dread. Tootsie turns around and promptly produces a small white box. Ken can feel emminent doom in his bones. He pees his pants in anticipation of his death. Tootsie opens the box. "IEEEE!" Ken squeeks. "Oh it's a small teddy bear. How cute." Says Ken.
The cute teddy opens a left eye to reveal a gleaming evil red light. "CHOMP." The teddy clamps on to Ken's intended petting finger. "Oh well. I guess you're stuck with him for the rest of your life and beyond into all eternity. HA,HA,HA!" Tootsie says in a cute little voice. Ken promptly pisses his his pants again. "Oh darn." He accepts his new appendage and doesn't give it another thought. "Off to the Big Red Mailbox to see if my Super Top Secret Keen Bean Decoder Ring has arrived. Oh I sure hope it has! Skip the Mailman is sure to have brought it this month." Ken says in joyous anticipation.
"Walkie, walkie La LA La." Ken hums as he merrily skips along. "GASP!" Ken is bodily whirled around. "Oh fishsticks!" Says Ken. Ned has got him in a one-handed choke-hold. "Hello perty boy. Have you got anything nice for Ned?" says the child satist. "No. Honest!" Pleads Ken. "Oh really? Ned think Ken not say truth." "Oh but I have told you the truth! Please let me run home to my mommie!" "Ned think you full of beans." Ned drops ken on his dome and picks him up by the ankle. Ken's spiffy rubber chicken coin falls out of his pocket. "Oh poop." Says Ken. "You got perty coin for ned. Why you say you no got? Now I have to beat you about the head and shoulders. What you think 'bout that fancy boy?" Ken is dangling pitifuly from his foot and feels warm liquid dribble on his chin. "oh now look! YOu've gone and made me wet myself again. You must pay." says Ken with fury. "Ned not scared of puny little gilrie lad. Now you must become whimpering dog as I attack you mercilessly." Sensing Ken's anger the teddy releases Ken and falls to the concrete. "Oooooooooh." Ned sees the teddy bear and forget's about Ken. "THUD,""CHOMP,"CLAMP,""Tee-Hee!" Ken falls to the ground. Teddy maliciously attacks Ned and clamps on to his bulging neck. "You have given nice new pet. Ned is now your friend. Maybe you come to a midnight ritual sometime, eh? Well, see ya." Ned prances off down the street, killing a few pedestrians in his path.
"Well whadaya know, heh!" Says Ken with a side-ways glance to where Ned took off. "No trace of 'im. What a lovely fellow. Now it's time to find the mail box." Ken says with a renewed sense of purpose. He looks right, looks left, dashes behind a tree, shimmys up a drain pipe, creeps across the rooftop, does a flying leap into a nieghbor's pirana-infested pool, gets out with only a few mortal wounds, shimmys up another drain pipe, stealthily inches across the roof and does an inverted half-twist double flip offa the edge and lands directly on...Skip the Hip Mailman.
"Hey Daddy-o. Wha's da haps brotha man?" says Skip once he's dusted out his jerry curl. "Oh, nothin' much, skip. Just another day in the nieghborhood." says Ken. "Groov-a-licious." says Skip. "Say, would you happen to know where the Big Red Mailbox is today?" asks Ken expectantly. "Nope, fraid not hommie." replies skip. "Oh well. I guess I'll just wander around aimlessly until I find it. Thanks anyway Skip." "No problemo G. Anything for a fellow African American, if ya know what I'm sayin'." "Whatever Skip. See ya later Skip. Have a nice day Skip. Don't forget to write Skip...you are a mailman after all." Says Ken with a crazy look on his face, knowing very well that he is very, very white. Not black. "No, no...I am a HIP mailman. Skip the Hip Mailman is what I am formerly know as amongst my people." "Yes I know that SKip. Bye SKip. I'll be seein' ya Skip. Now skip along Skip. That's a good Skip." said Ken hoping that Skip wouldn't go into am Afro-american history lesson rant. "Geez! What a nut." Said Skip with a salute and a smile. Then off he went.
"Gosh I love that guy. And it's not because we are both negroids, no, no. It's because we both sport our happenin' jerry curls. I guess I'm hip too. Yippee! I'm hip like Skip. I think I'll do my Skip the Hip Mailman skip all the way home. Skipity-hipity-skipity-do-I'm hip-hip like Skipy too!" Sang and skipped Ken all the way home.
As they stood by the Big Red Mail box, Mr.Bigchest and Tootsie could hear a tune in the distance. "Skipy-hippy-dippy-doo." They then heard a splat! and Ken was gone, disappeared, vanished and no longer there even. He'd gone into his house and closed the door with a sploot and a beep.