Chapter 1
August 15, 1994
Well, all's going quite well, if I do say so myself. I can't help but be
excited; I get out today. One week early, I might add. My birthday's not
until next week, but I get out early on good behavior. I've been in this
facility for almost eleven months, and I never thought a year could go by so
slowly! But the experience of being in this place is different the second
time around. Way different. My whole attitude had been changed around by
that one dream I had. Security actually respects me, I haven't had any run
ins with the local gang, and I also made a few decent friends. Sometimes
night security lets us get together in one of our rooms, and we sit there
for a few hours just talking. They've all had similar problems and a lot of
times these are therapeutic sessions. But they're also well worth it.
Mike comes and visits me regularly, and sometimes brings Amber with him. I
wish he'd surprise me and bring Brian one time...But I don't understand why
I keep thinking about him. I'm sure he's forgotten all about me, but for
some reason I can't get him out of my head. Sometimes it frustrates me, but
other times I'm glad he's always there. There are just some days where I get
depressed, or I get major flashbacks. Many times I've thought about sending
him a letter, to let him know that I still think about him, but it's been a
year, and I think I've bothered him enough. I think it's just sad that I had
to just pick up and leave like that. And I completely regret walking
away...I was really starting to like him. But I'm trying to detach myself
from the feeling. I don't think I'll ever be able to connect with someone
like that. You know, with love. It'll probably end in heartbreak anyway. Any
kind of relationship does. It's just a fact of life. My parents, for
example. They're totally cheating on each other - have been for years - and
they both know it too. And then there's the father-daughter relationship. I
think that one's self explanatory. I've stopped hurting, and there's no way
in hell I'm going to put myself in a position to get hurt. Ever. Even if I
did find Brian, I'll only let myself continue to be friends with him, and
that's it. Friendships are the ones that hurt the least.
Ah, I've got to go. Before I can leave I have to have a meeting with the
executives about my 'plan for the future'. They do that so they make sure
I'm gonna get off on the right foot.
Litt closed her notebook, put her pen back in the jar, and stepped outside
where Mike was waiting.
"Hey Mike, how's it going?" she greeted him, giving him a hug.
"I'm excited for you Litt. I'm so glad you've changed your tune. You're like
a totally different person now," he beamed at her.
She grinned back and replied, "Why thank you."
"Well, we'd better get moving. The last thing you want to do is be late for
one of these things."
She nodded her agreement and followed him down the bleak white hallway. The
whole place was like that. Plain. Boring. Pale and overwhelmingly
uncomfortable. But Litt didn't see any of that as she strolled joyfully
along, passing by other doors as she went. Her excitement let her forget
about all of her bad experiences there, and all she could think about was
the outside world, and how everything was going to be different for her once
she had left that awful place for good.
Everyone they passed by as they made their way to the elevator either nodded
or said hi.
"My, aren't we the popular one," Mike commented as he pushed the down arrow.
The doors slide open and Litt grinned at him. "I have to admit, I've done
much better this time around. Everyone responds positively to me."
He chuckled and pushed the button for the ground floor. "Who'd want to be
around you when you were acting like you had a stick shoved up your butt all
the time? You meet up with anyone who you've ever known, and see the
reaction you get."
She simply smiled faintly and looked down at her hands.
"You really liked him didn't you?" he asked quietly as they stepped out of
the elevator.
How does he do that? she thought incredulously. He always seems to know
exactly what I'm thinking. "Like," she corrected softly. "I really like
him."
They walked on in silence, and Litt avoided eye contact; she didn't want to
see that sympathetic look that she knew was on his face.
Mike and Litt entered the east wing and walked past office after office
until they arrived at the conference room. She had only been there once
before. Same with the entire east wing. All of the top executives worked
there. But on the other hand, she had been to the west wing a hundred times
over. That's where you went if you got into extreme trouble.
Litt had been to the east wing for the same reason she was there now: to
have a meeting with the executives and therapists to see whether she could
get out or not. This time would be different, however. Last time she had
lied to be released, but now she didn't have to.
She stared at the closed door for a moment, knowing her future lay in wait
for her on the other side. Memories of the last time she had been there made
her wince. She had made a very bad impression, and she knew that the execs
weren't relishing the thought of being in the same room with her again.
Litt took a deep breath and rested her hand on the knob. "Well, here goes
nothin'."
"You'll do fine," Mike assured her as she pushed open the door to the
future.
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