journal 3/5/00

when will you realize you're already there? i bought a pink dress yesterday. it's short. i like it. my parents and my idiotic sister just about died today when i came out of my room wearing it. first thing my mom did was make a kind of 'ohhhh' noise. then she straightened up (no, Mrs Hypocrite, you can't lose your dignity) and said "you are not wearing that to school." my stepdad sat their and kept eating his disgusting breakfast. then he looked up at me and said "i'm not gonna have a fucking queer in this house." i laughed at him and then i left. wearing a dress does not make me queer. it makes me comfortable. the teachers looked pretty pissed though.

journal 3/6/00

i feel better about myself when i piss people off. it lets me know what i am capable of.

journal 3/12/00

just to make things fucking worse. three days ago my mom told me why she kicked my dad out.

he used to molest me. thats what the therapy was for. she thought i remembered. i didn't remember. i am so disgusted. i'm even scared.

journal 3/15/00

i don't think i'll have this journal published. i dont know. maybe i will.

journal 3/17/00

yesterday it occurred to me that i want to be marilyn manson. then it occurred to me that his life has mostly sucked. then i occurred to me that mine has, too. i wrote about it.

journal 3/19/00

WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS. I HATE IT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I CAN ONLY EXPRESS MYSELF IN MORBID WAYS, WAYS THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. I AM ALONE AND I AM FRIGHTENED. I WANT BE ABLE TO SLEEP FOR ONE WITHOUT NIGHTMARES. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T IGNORANT LIKE ALL THESE WHORES AND BASTARDS AND SLUTS.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP WITHOUT HAVING TO CRY TO GET THERE.

3/21/00

the 'god is in the tv' video is so awesome. i love all the videos. especially coma white and man that you fear. they are so awesome. and it's funny as hell when marilyn is throwing food at john5.