I am truly at wits end..... I have been doing all that the doctors suggest and all tests are negative. What to do??? I feel like the Story that a lady in AA shares about.
She says, imagine that before you were born, you are in this room with all the other babies sitting on a chair and not knowing why you are there. Well, you have to go to the bathroom and you raise your hand and ask if you may be excused, and the angel says yes. So you get out of your chair and toddle to the bathroom. While you are gone this other Angel comes flying down, and has a box full of books. He hands them all out, and there is an extra one in the box, and he shrugs and thinks that some one made a mistake, puts the book back in the box and flys away. Then you come out from the bathroom, back to your seat, and you notice that everyone else has this book, called the "Book on Life" with all the remedies of life's problems, you don't have a book, and are afraid to say so. Then whoosh, you are born, and all through life when certain things happen, you are reminded that You didn't get the book...... Well, that is how I am feeling now. I don't have a clue as to where to go next. I did'nt get the book either. But I do have the book now and it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. "The Big Book", and the gift also is that I have the fellowship as well, and by my talking to you and you talking to me, I sometimes will get the information or advice I need. Thank you again,
(Soberly submitted by Debbie from CA)
I have been married 21 years in August and my wife and I just wear each other like our favorite old shirts.
Yes, it's true, they have some mighty big patches on them where they got torn and worn, especially me, being the drunk I am. But we are still each other's favorites.
Sex is much the same. Much, much less frequent than when we were younger, but that kind of day after day sweaty craziness just seems silly from the perspective of my 40s, to tell you the truth.
(Soberly submitted by Reid from Seattle, WA)
(SoberLady's Note: the following two shares went together so well that they are being placed here together. In fact the second one was in response to the first.)
I read that article about AA and its many little whatever's........anyway after reading the entire thing the only thing that really stuck with me were two words.......Incomprehensible Demoralization. I don't know why. I am sure I have heard it used in the rooms a thousand times but last night as I sat and read that article it really meant something.
I was thinking of Eddie and how I have watched him self-destruct. A man who once wore beautiful suits with expensive Italian shoes has recently been wearing - Whatever.....Stained T-shirts and beat up jeans.... And in his line of work, you just can't get any where wearing Whatever. Somehow that connects to those two words~Incomprehensible Demoralization.
He looked like a walking skeleton.....His flesh no longer held color. His face drooped and his eyes were sunken. His flesh was actually gray or pasty white. The whites of his eyes-yellow. He slurred his words and at times he even drooled from the side of his mouth. He walked like an elastic band and his clothing just hardly held on to his rapidly decreasing body. I believe that if Eddie used just one more time he would be dead!
He didn't even resemble anything that walks among the living. He most certainly did not look like he should be in the standing position at all. More like he should be laying in a shiny Cedar Box with his hands gently resting upon his chest. I never got a chance to see any one I cared about slowly diminish into the realms of addiction I never witnessed it. But watching Eddie drink and drug has been an experience I never want to go through again.
I don't know where this came from. I can only guess that as feelings and fears are still very raw and present upon my mind that the words Incomprehensible Demoralization hold so much power over my thoughts at this moment.
Getting sober-Getting clean-getting your ass into the light and out of the dark. Does it really matter what a person used to throw themselves over the edge of insanity and into a world of darkness and filth? I think not. The helplessness, the self-destruction, the loathing of ones inner being~ It is all the same. Perhaps to different degrees but absolutely the same. What a lonely world it is to be in a constant state of dream......Although it feels good for a moment, that moment shortly ends and what one is left with is all the bitterness of sorrow.
I am making no sense....or whatever. I just wanted to type just to release some thoughts that have built up. I don't even know if I touched on anything. Please forgive me for being a rambling fool.
(Soberly submitted by Pearle from MA)
Thank you for describing the detorioration of the substance abuser, whether it be alcohol, drugs or a combination thereof. I pray that Eddie makes it this time. He is a sad lesson for all of us.
You mention Incomprehensible Demoralization and that is a powerful statement. I believe it is in Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism that it talks about "Pitiful And Incomprehensible Demoralization" in other words PAID. We truly pay our dues to get here in this arena. When I reflect back to my drinking days I think of all the situations I got myself into as a result of my drinking. My drinking got to the point that I had to drink to function and then I would usually overshoot the mark and become dysfunctional until the next day when I would try to get to the point of functioning and then go over the edge again. And of course, my actions behind alcohol would be remembered (sometimes) the next day and I would feel so guilty and awful about myself that I would have to drink again to forget.
Your writing is such a good reminder to me. If I am willing, as I know God is, I will be celebrating 23 years of sobriety 3 weeks from tomorrow. I need to be reminded that it is not pretty to drink. I need to remember that last drunk that truly let me know that I was an alcoholic. It was not my worst drunk but it was the drunk that convinced me that if I did not try one more time to get sober I was doomed to insanity or death. What I always have to remember is that I am truly powerless over alcohol. That last drunk started so innocently. I just wanted a couple of drinks to relax, that was my full intention. All I can tell you is that the next thing I remember was I woke up the next morning, the bottle was empty and my body screamed for more medicine. Thus it started my last 6 days of drinking to date. I still do not have a clue as to what happened that evening. I don't even remember taking the first drink that night. I just remember the end of the bottle. Just thinking of that makes me shudder. I am absolutely amazed that I have survived this long. The insanity of it all is that when times are tough, as they are now, the thought of drink creeps into my mind occasionally as sometimes the pain is just too much. The sad part is that it is the emotional pain that gets me worse than the physical pain. However, I am so grateful for all the years of sobriety as I know that drink is not the solution even though I may romance it. I am grateful that we hear that pain is the touchstone of all growth, as I must be growing like crazy because the pain has been tremendous. I do believe that "This Too Shall Pass".
Hang in there Pearle, please take care of yourself. Let others and God take care of Eddie.
(Soberly submitted by Mary Ann M. from Huntington Beach, CA)
