The Three Moscateers

April 15, 1999, (en el cuidad pequeño costero de) Los Huevos Grandes, Baha, Mexico: A woman's hand draws back a curtain from a second-story window that overlooks a circular driveway. From the window above, we look down on the head of a tall-ish, greying-blonde-haired man carrying something to an expensive luxury car. We do not see his face. There is a close-up shot of the object he has been carrying. It is a plastic jar with a label that has "Drosofila melanogaster" written on it. The jar is placed on the floor of the passenger side of the car. The door closes. From the same window, above, we see the car pull away, and the woman's hand releases the curtains.

Opening credits, music, etc.

April 15, 1999, Washington, D.C.: The Lone Gunmen have been working to open their own detective agency. They have rented a suitably seedy, shabby, cramped business office on the wrong side of the tracks in downtown Washington, D.C. They have ordered business cards, a phone, a Yellow Pages ad, and a "yellow online" listing.

April 16, 1999: They sign up to get licenses and permits. They buy a gun and have to wait ten days. That evening, they finish a 8-week martial arts course.

April 17, 1999: Fortunately, the F.B.I. is having a warehouse sale. As Byers trails behind Frohike in the secret weapons aisle, Langly is drawn to the racks of suits. He finds several dark double-breasted suits from the early 1930's-the Prohibition Era-at 50% off the already low prices, and in all three mens' sizes. A nearby counter has a stand that has hats that will complete the outfits. Hey, at least they'll look swell!

April 19-23, 1999: They play cards, and not too well at first.

April 26-28, 1999: They sucessfully persue and catch a mouse.

April 29, 1999: They sign up for more licenses and permits.

April 30, 1999: They pick up the gun at the sporting goods store.

May 3, 1999: They sign up for more licenses and permits.

May 4, 1999: They get better at cards.

May 5-7, 1999: They get their first clients, both of whom are wives looking for someone to spy on an unfaithful mate.

May 8-9, 1999: They get better at flash photography on the job.

May 14, 1999: Having caught the errant spouses on film, they get paid.

Also May 14, 1999: Flushed with sucess, they pass out business cards at FBI Headquarters, and everyone there promises to throw a little business their way, if possible

May 17, 1999: Washington D.C., inside the office of Lone Gunmen Detectives, Inc.: At last someone has an interesting problem.

A tall-ish graying-blonde mustachioed man in his forties, who wears his hair in a short ponytail, walks in that day. He introduces himself as Ralph "Bud" Baxter. He is is the owner, and chief research scientist, of a small bio-engineering firm. Among other projects, the firm has been working for several years with fruit flies. He reports to them that a batch of female fruit flies, the culmination of years of experimentation, have been stolen and are being held for ransom.

"It's a time problem, as well," adds Bud Baxter. "Fruit flies have a short life span. This makes them well suited for our purposes, as it compresses the time between generations, but it's crucial that we get them mated with our male fruit flies before their life span runs out."

"How long DO we have to find them?" asks Langly. As he speaks, he lifts his arm to push his glasses back up his long slender nose. This jostles Byers, who is taking notes, for all three men are sort of squeezed behind one wooden desk. Frohike has ended up behind the computer, and so is kneeling up on one knee on his chair to see over the top.

"Well, at this point, maybe as much as three days, if we hope to recover all the females with no losses," says Bud.

Leaning forward in his seat, the head of the biotech firm says, "Look, I'll be straight with you. We've tried the best, and now we're trying the rest. The police and the F.B.I. are stumped. We've dowsed. We've done Tarot. We've brought in psychics and those people that can "will" themselves to dream about stuff, and everyone has come up empty-handed. Over at the F.B.I., some guy named Skinner said we might as well try you."

The guys negotiate a deal that but just beats out flippin' burgers, but it's a real case, at least. Bud leaves to catch a plane to San Diego. At their basement apartment, the guys change out of their G-Men suits, and pack for warmer weather. Frohike chooses some bright Hawaiian-print shirts, shorts, and black socks with huarrachi sandals. Langly packs some jeans, t-shirts, and high-top type sneakers. Byers, in polo shirts, khakis, and slip-on loafers, would fit in at any company picnic. They pack swimsuits. They catch a later flight, and they are met at the airport by Laura Capozzola, (she's holding one of those signs? with "BYERS-LANGLY-FROHIKE" on it?) an employee at Baxter Laboratories.

"Can you tell us a little about Baxter Laboratories?" asks Langly, after Laura has gotten out of the airport traffic and is on the highway. She tells them what she knows about the company on the ride down to Baja, Mexico.

"Yeah, Bud's dad, Bud Senior, he's dead now, started the business. Bud Junior went to UCLA and got his degree. He doesn't just sit in the office. He interfaces in a VERY positive way with everyone," says Laura.

"I've never heard of a biotech firm, or any business, for that matter, located on the Baja Penninsula," notes Byers.

"Yeah, when it was owned by Bud's dad, it was in Pasadena. Bud grew up a pretty typical California surfer dude. Land prices are a little more reasonable here, so he got a good deal on waterfront property, and then was able to buy an orange orchard that was about to be ripped out to make a mall down near Escondido, and he moved it here, too. I guess you know oranges are the favorite citrus fruit of fruit flies? In addition to the convenience of it, having an orchard around the laboratory makes it a nicer place to work, especially when the oranges are in bloom. Bud told you to bring swimsuits, right?

(The three nod.)

"Beach Break" is included...no, more like expected...heck, almost required!" Laura laughs.

This turns out to be no joke. When the four arrive at the laboratory building, which is done in hacienda style, two stories around a courtyard, after a short drive through the orange orchard, the place is empty, except for Bud's office on the second floor. In there, his wife Darla and his secretary, Jennifer Kucewicz, are in beach robes and sandals and wait to show them all the evidence they have to this point. It is all in plastic sleeves in a blue looseleaf binder. There are several police and F.B.I. reports. Langly and Byers divide these reports between them and look through them. Both the police and the F.B.I. conclude that no clues were found at the scene. Meanwhile, Frohike is studying the ransom note. It was sent via the Internet, from an Internet coffee bar, somewhere in Arizona called "Mesa". The last part of it seems to have been cut off in transmission. The first reads: "Bud: We have the flies. Be ready with one million dollars. More information will be sent concerning our transactio" and then there is a blank space. The attached picture came through well enough, however. The container, which is about the size of a Dutch oven, is on top a pickle barrel in a open dirt area. Behind the pickle barrel and plastic fly container, a small grey and white church stands out against some rugged mountains. Part of a tumbleweed seems to have been blowing across the frame when the picture was taken.

Laura points out that, most likely, the abductors would keep the fruit flies in their custom-made container. She points out that, where there would be handles on a Dutch oven, there are portholes on either side arranged so that several containers can be attached in a series. "Or, we can put two together, males and females, for mating purposes." she adds.

Darla and Jennie excuse themselves to head off on "Beach Break." Laura suggests to the three that they should put on swimsuits. She pulls off her blouse to reveal a bikini top underneath. She folds it and puts it on the desk, next to where Frohike sits examining the picture. At this point, Frohike looks up and asks if he may get a copy of the ransom note and the picture, and also use the office computer equipment to go on the Internet, check his e-mail, and send off some inquiries.

While the other two guys change into swimsuits in an empty laboratory, Laura gets Frohike color copies off of the scanner and opens a provider site for him. He sits staring at the screen while in back of him, Laura removes her skirt, revealing the bikini bottom on her young, slender form. She places the skirt neatly on the blouse on the desk next to Frohike. She goes to the employee lounge and fills a small cooler with soft drinks and pulls some towels out of a closet. She goes back and gives Frohike directions to the path down to the beach. He nods, eyes not leaving the screen. She lays a towel on the desk next to her clothes, and she and the other two guys walk down to the beach.

On-line, Frohike opens his e-mail hoping there is a reply from his on-line friend, "llane." He had told her that the three guys were going out of town on what he hoped would be their first "big case" and asked for her good wishes. He hopes for an acknowledgement. Nothing yet. Frohike sends another e-mail about the fruit flies and attaches the picture of the container.

After changing and grabbing his towel, Frohike goes down the path and joins Langly and Byers, who are frolicking in the water with a group of women that includes Darla, Laura and Jennie. Farther out, and some distance down the beach, a group of people are with Bud, surfing. Bud waves to Frohike. Frohike gives a stiff little wave back, and then is involved, somewhat against his wishes, in a game that seems to involve a beach ball and not much in the way of definite teams or rules. Suddenly, there's a lot of hooting and hollering. Everyone turns to watch the boss disappear underwater in a wipe-out. After the wave crashes on by, he bobs to the surface, waving one arm. Everyone hoots and hollers some more.

After an hour, the guys go back to the building with Laura. Bud has gone into the meditation garden, and will be "incommunicado, until he feels more enlightened," Laura explains. After they all change back to their street clothes, Laura drives them to a Bed'n'Breakfast run by a retired American couple. As arranged by Laura, the hostess has kept a supper warm for them.

Frohike sinks into his bed. His body still has the sensation of rocking on the ocean. After drifting off, he awakes, startled to find someone sitting on his bed who has forced her hand over his mouth. "Shh!" she whispers, "It's Jennie? You want to know what's so important about those fruit flies? Listen to me?" She gets up and clicks on a light at a small table. Frohike rises, wrapping the sheet around him as he rises.

There is a tv with vcr port in the room. Jennie puts in a videocassette. The tape is of a Christmas office party held in the laboratory courtyard. Bud and Darla are there. Jennie points as the camera comes up to a man who has come over to greet Bud and Darla. The man waves to the camera. He grins. This sets off a series of tics and twitches on his face. She pauses the tape.

"You probably know about this guy?" she says. "He's the producer of StarTreX? He had that bizarre accident?" (Leila to Readers: read about this at Leila's X-Files Homepage, Hey Chris Carter! New Story ideas, story #2: "StarTreX." Look for a click-on in the menu section of this story, below.)

"Oh yeah." says Frohike. "In the interest of "believability," he had gotten a hold of some real prototypes of "phaser"-type weapons...two female cast members accidentally got him in the crossfire. Left him with a twitch, correct?"

"That's right?...Whenever he tries to grin?"

Frohike appraises the fellow. The man is in his forties, sort of tall, blonde-haired, but graying. He could be Bud's twin brother, except for the mustache and hairstyle.

"Let's see if I can put this together," says Frohike, "He's Bud's former business partner. Possibly a friend from childhood. Surfing buddy. But he quit over...?

"Yeah, sort of, and identical cousins too, did you notice the resemblance?" Jennie clicks back and forth between a close-up of Bud and a close-up of the Producer. "Like, you've got it all straight?" she adds, "But the parting was amicable? The Producer? got a chance to do some tv writing?"

"Well, o.k. so this guy is our main suspect...Why?" says Frohike.

"Well?" says Jennie. "I guess you know this fellow?" she moves the tape forward.

"Um, yes," says Frohike "He's the second in command on the Starship Pontiac in StarTreX. What's his name...Muldoon?"

"Yeah, Uh, OK? He has a relationship with the ship's doctor, Dr. Tootie? They also had the same relationship in that series "The Spookyfiles?" So, ok, then, the writers?... the Producer? They conceptualized that this guy-his character's-little sister? The object of this guy's big quest? who was abducted? when she was 8 years old? WELL! So, she's in her 30's? And she has, like, risen in the Alien Corporate Structure from "victim" to "CEO?" So it shows that the Aliens have no "glass ceiling?" Thus proving their superiority...???

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

Jennie: "Well! She goes right on to become the head of the Federation?...A BIG BIG intergalactic organization composed of all kinds of aliens and humans?

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"Well, so, ok, so Bud was working with the genes the enable species to co-ordinate movement?...you know-when schools of fish all move as one or flocks of birds wheel in the air? It has a physical aspect-sensory organs along the sides of the skin that, like, sense...when a change of direction is coming?..."

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"Well, that's what Bud was originally isolating?...ok?"

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"Then Bud began to think?... what if this movement among individuals in a group was more organized?...more unified?...more intelligent?"

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"So Bud asked the Producer to get a sample of blood from the guy? the SpookyFilesguy? He made it seem like the studio lawyers were asking for it?...like, as if it was some new office policy? So Bud was able to work with it?...

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"The idea was to take the SpookyFilesguy's DNA and put it in these fruit flies that were already coordinated in their movements? Bud was able to...(pause)... put in the genes for acting?...

Frohike: "What?"

"I think you heard me?"

Jennie clicks the video back on..."Look at this? This is what I'm trying to tell you about?" She forwards again to two new pictures of the SpookyFilesguy.

On the screen are two head shots of the SpookyFilesguy. One is from a movie made in connection with his SpookyFiles part. The other is from a recent movie in which he had a romantic lead. Frohike shrugs...

"Well? See?" says Jennie, and then after waiting several seconds, "You don't see it, do you?" Frohike shakes his head, puzzled...

"That one is from the SpookyFiles feature film? The other is from his new movie "Returned To Me?" prompts Jennie.

"Oh yeah! I saw the promos for that movie," says Frohike. "It's about this fellow...um..."

"Who wants to be a sperm donor, but he keeps being rejected?" Jennie says.

"Yeah! Sometimes his sample comes back "postage due" from the big sperm banks," says Frohike.

"Well, look more closely at the pictures?" says Jennie.

Frohike makes a guess and points at the picture of the "Returned To Me" shot. "That one..looks wooden. The eyes are expressionless...is that some kind of fake?"

He can tell by Jennie's reaction both that he's goofed and that she's a big fan of the actor in question. He apologises. "Sorry! Go on though, huh?"

Jennie re-composes herself. "Well, look even more closely at the SpookyFiles shot?...this picture isn't even of a human?...

Frohike: "What?"

"The technique is to infuse fruit flies with the human desire to perform?...to imitate?...What you are seeing here is a swarm of stage-struck insects? They've been sprayed with flesh-tone make up. They're taking cues..." She backs the video up to the picture of the tall-ish greying-blonde twitch-afflicted Producer. "...from HIM!"

Frohike: "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm...ok."

"This Producer is always bragging or complaining...it's hard to tell which... about how much the SpookyFiles guy wants? Last I heard the SpookyFiles guy was, like, suing the film company? Bud may be solving that problem? This scene was an experiment, like, to see if they could put in a scene with the fruit flies and dubbing, and have no one notice? Ok, so guess what? No one did? So the point is here, like, fruit flies are pretty content with a pile of ripe rotted fruit?"

Frohike: "Uh...ok."

"Well, ok, I should probably mention that the males inherit all these traits, but it's the females that can actually pass it on? So, I think this Producer has abducted the female fruit flies in order to produce whole bunches of stars "imitated" by these fruit flies? So, imagine it...? Even dead stars could be "brought back"?

Frohike struggles to "sum up" the situation, "So your telling me that this guy's DNA is performing via a swarm of fruit flies?"

Jennie nods.

"And his DNA...it's not making scale?" Frohike's eyebrows have shot up.

"Did I say rotten fruit or not?" says Jennie. "Look, ok?" she adds, "I saw him-the Producer?...pull away in his car the day of the theft? I didn't have the heart to tell Bud? I was hoping the police or the F.B.I. would find him out? Check him out, ok? I think you'll find I'm right?

Without further ado, Jennie abruptly leaves. She goes without taking the videocassette.

Frohike, in a flowered sheet wrapped toga-style, is up most of the night, pondering this surprising situation. The next morning, Laura picks up the three after they've had a hearty country-style breakfast. When they arrive at Baxter Laboratories, everyone is in the courtyard doing Tai-Chi. Frohike asks Laura if he might use a computer to check his e-mail. Laura says he may use her computer, in her office on the second floor. She checks to see if he remembers how to get there, then she and and the other two join in on the exercises.

The second of Frohike's e-mails to "llane" has a response. He opens it.(Leila's note: all dialogue and e-mail by Lois should be read with a "Swamp Yankee" (Rhode Island) accent.)

Dear Mel,
I am so glad you sent me a message about you being out of town. I'm very pleased that you have a real case. Frankly, I'm confused about the fruit flies part, but I can help with identifying the church!
When I was very young I was sent off to my Aunt Mildred's just about every Saturday. Usually, I was then put in the care of my much older cousin June. June was a big Elvis fan. Elvis was in his Las Vegas period, but one of the local movie theatres would have special "theme" weekends, sometimes, "All-Elvis," in which case, that's what we would do-spend all Saturday watching old Elvis flicks.
When I received your e-mail, I ran down to the video store and got a copy of "Charro!," took some polaroids of the little church, scanned them, and am attaching them. I think this is a match.
"Charro!" was shot at Apacheland in Arizona. You probably could find out where that is by contacting the AZ Tourism board. Unfortunately, I read in the papers just a short while ago that a re-make of "Charro!" is being shot on the same location by that same producer who did "SpookyFiles" and "StarTreX," (the one that has a twitch.) They say he's using some "mystery" technique to recreate Elvis. It's all very secret. I doubt you'll be let on the lot.
Don't do anything dangerous!
Lois

Frohike opens the attachment of the pictures, then e-mails back:

Dear Lois,
I'm going to check out Apacheland. It does look like the same church. Thanks!
Mel

Frohike goes down to the courtyard and pulls Langly and Byers out of Tai-Chi, sits them down in Laura's office, and sums up, as best he can, what he knows about the fruit flies, the genes for acting, the SpookyFiles guy, the Producer (Langly asks, "The one with the twitch?") "Charro!" Elvis, Apacheland, etc., etc., etc. They divide up tasks. After several Internet and phone inquiries, they have found out that the filming at Apacheland stopped the week before. The Producer and crew are back at Pox Studios. Frohike cautions them not to tell anyone that Jennie leaked all of the information about the acting genes.

Bud and the employees at Baxter Laboratories have finished Tai-Chi. Bud is back in his office, lighting aromatic candles. Frohike goes in and asks him if the trio may use a company vehicle. He explains that they have a lead and they want to check it out. Bud tosses him the keys to a company van from a pegboard near his desk, and begins to talk to himself in front of a large chevel glass, using a reassuring tone of voice. He tells himself that he is "ok," and that he is a "good person."

Frohike finds Langly and Byers again, who are out with the men at a rustic kiln dug into the side of a hill. They are helping the men fire a reduction glaze for their raku tea set. The trio takes off in the van. Langly carefully drives past the women on their daily jog around the circular driveway, and then "floors it" to LA.

The trio arrive at Pox studios and are immediately turned away at the gate. Under cover of darkness, they are caught coming over a fence.

Byers begins harranging the security guards about his "rights." Langly warns them he has connections to "people way high up" in the F.B.I. Frohike shows them his Screen Actor's Guild card, and starts to chant: "Equal pay for DNA! Equal Pay for DNA!" Somewhere, in all of this, someone of the three says "fruit flies," and, after the security guards exchange a look among themselves, the guys are immediately hustled off to the office of the tall-ish, greying-blonde twitch-afflicted Producer.

The Producer has been working late. He looks tired, even dejected. On his desk are two clear plastic containers full of fruit flies, and a script. One of the guards whispers that these guys know about the "fruit fly problem." The Producer thanks the security guards. They leave. He asks the trio to sit down and offers them coffee or tea.

Frohike makes a bold statement: "Look, Let's get this straight. We three are not alone. We were hired to find you out. People know about this heist so you better be up-front with us."

Producer: "What?"

A button on the phone on the Producer's desk lights up, and rings as softly as it can be set to ring. He picks it up, listens, then says, "Bring them in here, please."

Bud, Laura, and Jennie are escourted into the room by the security guards. The Producer gives Bud a puzzled look. "Bud, What's all this about?"

Bud looks hurt, "You took my flies."

"No, No," says the Producer, "I came for the flies that are to replace the ones that didn't make it through the first few scenes of my remake of "Charro!" They're always dying from one cause or another, despite the fact that I try to take really good care of them...I follow all your instructions, Bud! Then, unexpectedly, I was in the Baja area a few days ahead of when I told you I'd be there, so I came a little early to get them. Couldn't get anyone on the phone. When I arrived, everyone was out in the herb garden, turning the compost, and transplanting seedlings by the garden wall. I was in a hurry, so I e-mailed you afterwards. I was having a meeting with the Assistant Director at an Internet cafe..." At this point the Producer takes a startled look at Frohike. "Wow, you know, this man here could be the twin brother of my Assistant Director...Anyway, Bud, I also included what you'll have to put up to buy in as a backer on the remake..."

"You're only supposed to have males. You agreed to that!" fumes Bud.

Suddenly the Producer begins to grin. His face goes into a twitch that starts at his left lower lip, quivers over to his right lower lip, shimmies up to his right eyebrow, on to the left eyebrow, and back to the left lower lip.

The Producer says, "Is THAT what's going on here? I got a batch of FEMALES?" He brings the two containers closer together so the two are touching at one side. The insects inside each swarm to the touching sides. "I had this batch (pointing to one container) all ready to perform. But then, when I brought in these," (pointing to the other, obviously the female-filled, container,) all of a sudden they all went out of control... I haven't been able to get either batch to follow any directions since they first saw the other batch." He gives Bud a sincere look. "Really, Bud. We had to wrap up filming... I thought we were going to have to scrap the whole thing."

Bud has begun to melt a little. "You really couldn't tell these were females?" He seems astonished that anyone might not know at once, although, of course, he and his employees are the only ones at Pox studios, and perhaps the only ones in the entire LA area, who do know. He tells Laura to bring in two containers of males they have brought with them.

During this whole time, the detectives look on, facinated with the identical cousins.

Langly whispers to Byers, "This is like watching one of those split-screen tricks on tv!" At this point, though, the Producer attempts to grin, and an astonishingly huge twitch courses diagonally, and at several seconds length, up his face from his left lower lip to his right eyebrow.

"With some exceptions," notes Byers.

Suddenly Bud's face lights up. "Excuse me! I've got an important job to do here!" He lines up portholes on the two containers and connects them. When he slides back the two hatch covers, it's apparent that, while still separated by the plastic container walls, most of the pairs of the flies had gone beyond the "So...you come here often?" point a long time ago. After he realizes what he's looking at, Byers excuses himself from the room, claiming to have "left a sweater outside."

That being done, Bud reaches into his jacket pocket and hands Frohike Jennie's videocassette. "Oh, the owners of the "bed and breakfast" brought this to the laboratory, right after you left. They found it in your room. Jennie wanted to grab it right out my hands and bring it you-What a gal!" (Jennie smiles desperately to Frohike, who thanks Bud for returning the video, and with no further comment, places it on a side table. Jennie relaxes.) Bud burbles on, "But then I figured, Hey! this is just the excuse I've been waiting for-let's make a jaunt of it! We all followed you here, and now that we've got our females back..." Bud turns to the Producer, "...we'll trade you some males, ok?" The Producer grins with the usual eruptive effect. "...it's on to Disneyland at Night!" Bud says, and gestures to the window, where he waves cheerily to two van loads of happy laboratory employees standing under the parking lot lights, and Darla, who all wave back to him enthusiastically.

While he waves, Jennie pockets her video, and also scoops up the two joined containers and spirits them out of sight just as Laura arrives in the room with two separate containers. Byers follows her in. Taking the two containers from Laura, and presenting them to the Producer, Bud effuses, "There you go...just guys in these jars!" The Producer grins, tremorously, of course. Bud continues, "Hope you can pick up where you left off in the movie!"

Bud gestures expansively to everyone, "Well, who's up for the Main Street Electrical Parade?"

Exeunt all, with fruit flies.

Next week, at Frohike's urging, the SpookyFilesguy's DNA joins SAG and AFTRA. Immediately after its release, the re-make of "Charro!" is a box-office smash hit! Two weeks later, at the urging of the DNA, the decendants of the original fruit flies used in the SpookyFiles movie lodge a class action suit against Pox Studios, and also infer, in their comments to the press, that the Producer took some sort of "hush money."

4/19/00

Thanks for visiting my site!

Leila

Post Script: Isn't ANYONE, ANYONE, but me curious as to why Frohike...FROHIKE, of all people... has a Screen Actor's Guild card? e-mail me if you also are scratching your head over this?

Thank you again for visiting my site!
Leila

The Three Moscateers Copyright: 05/Sept/00 #PAu-2-510-184
All rights reserved.

Legal Update-10/13/00: The fruit flies won their suit. They also told the Producer that in the upcoming sequel to the re-make of "Charro!" they would only do the top or the bottom half of Elvis.