Please note the Disclaimer at my Homepage. The X-Files characters are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Company. We all know this, yes?

I read an article about the Lone Gunmen in which Bruce Harwood was wondering where the Lone Gunmen work. He wondered how they could afford all that computer equipment. He thought they might be "troubleshooters" for a computer company. In these stories, the Gunmen have other jobs besides putting out an "alternative paper." In this story, Byers has been invited to speak for a fee at a computer conference.

So, then, I asked, what would these three guys want to get, once they had a little "walk-around ?" More computer equipment? NOT!...Girlfriends!

So as the showers of spring bring forth the first buds, perhaps Mulder has yet to melt THAT HEART of surgical steel, but on the first cherry blossomed weekend, the old VW van is loaded to the Plimsoll Line with picnic baskets, coolers, blankets, and pillows, and the Lone Gunmen and their saucy sweeties are all gone a-May-ing. A visual aide to this would be to think of Manet's "Le Déjuener Sur L'Herbe,"

and then remove the two French Gentlemen, insert Les Bandits Solitaires and another relaxed-looking lady, and Voilá...Luncheon On The Grassy Knoll.

As with my other stories, I'm not sure any of this stuff is technically, physically, humanly, etc. possible, but I'm not losing sleep over it, y'know? The idea here is that these guys have been six (Leila's note: now, eight)seasons without girlfriends. Poor babies! We'll fix 'em up!!

Nyack, N.Y., President's Day 2001: A college-age boy comes down the hall of a suburban house and looks into a bedroom. Two younger boys are at a computer station. They are trying variations on a code to go into another person's internet site.

"I didn't know you were a hacker, lil' Bro'...Whose site is this?" asks the older brother.

The younger boy at the station, not the younger brother says, "Some nerd at the Computer Club. Always comes across like he invented everything. I watched him log into his own page today and I think I know four letters of his five letter password." The letter he tries works, and a site menu opens up. The boy clicks onto one of the pages. Suddenly a message comes up on a black screen.

"Warning: You have entered private computer files. You have 30 seconds to enter the correct password or get out. Failure to enter the password or leave in the allotted time will result in the termination of your programs."

A clock appears in the upper right side of the screen and a password block appears in the center of the screen.

"Whoa, way hokey!" says the younger brother. He looks a little tense, though, "He can't do that right? Take out our programs with his computer?"

"Doubt it." says the operator.

The older brother begins to walk away, up the hallway, "I'm going to the 'fridge. I'm gonna need my room when I get back. Oh-you better hope he doesn't take out my Freshman English Lit. reports. I can sell those." He's grinning when he says this. The clock is at 6 seconds.

At the end of the hall, he turns a corner. A dining room chair is in the extreme foreground. He walks in front of a window which frames the side of the house, including the window of the bedroom in which the brother and his friend are working, and part of the yard. Snow covers the ground. At "0," the window and wall of the bedroom blow out.

Big "X," Whooee music, etc.

The third time this type of explosion happens, the F.B.I. is called in. Agents Doggett and Scully are assigned to the case. The Agents are in an advertising agency art department workroom. Agent Doggett is looking at the debris near the wall socket. He says, "Well, the local police have this pegged right, as near as I can figure. This is some huge electrical force coming through and tearing the computers apart. This is weird, though." Scully comes over. "Look at this surge strip...it's untouched." Doggett picks up the strip. Frayed wires hang from it. The wall outlet nearby is burnt and sooty. Doggett takes out pictures of the other sites from the folder. "Look...in the other sites...the surge supressors are undamaged. Whatever came through here went around the strips. They look as good as if they were just bought."

Scully says, "How can that be? If the force was electrical, it would have to move in the wires, through the supressors, right?"

Doggett shrugs. "I'm just pointing this out, Agent Scully."

Doggett and Scully interview one of the witnesses of the second explosion, Lou Ruggerio, in the office of the advertising agency. He says, "Yeah, I had just brought in lunch-we take turns going to the little deli down the street." His voice now becomes a VO. "Greg and Ron were playing a computer game on their lunchbreak." In the workroom, the computer is on a medieval combat game site...lots of gristly swords-and-shields mayhem. The two men pause the game and come over to a big work table to get their lunches. The computer explodes. Lou's VO ends. "It sure was a lucky thing they left off when they did!"

After reviewing the police report of the first explosion, Scully, at a nearby hospital, asks Jan, a witness of the third explosion if she also saw a warning or a 30-second clock. "No. No warning. No clock. Just a flash and a crack, and Jiyeon and her desk were flying back towards me. She hit the wall." The woman's voice becomes a VO on the office scene. We see Jiyeon taking a break with a cup of tea and a pastry. The clock on the wall shows 10:10. Her computer is on the Internet, but she is watching the morning news on a small tv. At a station break, there is a network promo of a violent slasher movie which will air that evening. At 10:13, a violent explosion occurs. "Her desk slammed into her, then into my desk. My desk knocked into me." The room is filled with plaster dust. The witness is lying on the floor, having been knocked from her chair. Her VO ends. "I hope she'll be able to talk with you Agents...soon...she was really messed up, mentally as well as physically..."

A suburb of Washington, D.C. Earth Day weekend, 2001: At the basement apartment of Langly, Frohike, and Byers, Langly has set the table for supper. He takes a casserole out of the oven. Frohike, and his e-friend, Lois Lane, come through the door, greet him, and rush over to the t.v. They wear T-shirts from a Public Lands Clean-Up in the area. Lois gives Langly a bottle of White Zin. As they click to a channel, Frohike explains, "Lois' Clean-Up was covered by Channel 10."

"TV coverage-awesome!" says Langly.

"Yeah," says Lois, "The kids did a super job at the clean-up, too!" The story on at moment is that the F.B.I. has been called in to investigate a series of bizarre explosions in the White Plains, New York, area. Frohike calls Langly's attention to it, "Have you seen the articles in the papers about this?" Langly nods, "It's weird!" The story of the clean-up follows in the local news segment. Langly says, "Look, Mel, there you are, lurking behind Lois. Oh, look! You just realized that the camera can see you. Peek-a-boo! Oh, good thinking-hide behind Lois!" Frohike scowls. Lois giggles. In the footage, Lois, surrounded by several huge teenage boys who obviously want to be on camera but want to be cool about it, thanks the sponsors and the participants. After the news program moves on, Langly pours glasses of wine, and the three sit down to supper.

In a hotel lobby in New York City, Byers is giving a speech to a room full of people, finishing it by saying, "So, in conclusion, these are the best steps you can take to avoid or minimize damage from the computer viruses that are out there today. I'll set out print-outs of these overheads, so you can take this information with you. Thank you." He removes his transparencies from the overhead, and turns it off. After the applause, Master of Ceremonies, noting the time, cancels the question and answer period, but asks Byers to stay and answer questions informally during the "social time" which will follow.

Byers, accompanied by Mary Mallon, his girlfriend, sets out the print-outs on a table. He is approached by a young boy about 11 years old. The boy asks, "Hi, Mr. Byers...may I speak with you in private?" They move to a quieter corner. The boy pulls a newspaper clipping out of his pocket. "I did that." he says.

Byers looks at the clipping. "This is that story about the two boys being blown up," he says. He's a little lost for an answer. He says, "Uhhh, Have you talked to your parents about this?"

"Nice speech," says the mother of the boy, who comes over to join them in the corner. She introduces herself as Nell Mclachlin. "Ken insisted on coming. He's really into computers! We appreciate being able to get information about these darn viruses!" As she speaks, Ken shifts uncomfortably and quickly pockets the clipping which Byers has given him back. Obviously, he hasn't talked with his mom about this.

Byers says, "Well, Ken, here's my e-mail address on my business card. If you send me your address, I can send you...advice...about viruses, or other, um, computer related things." For some reason he's willing to believe the kid may have caused the explosion.

Back in Washington, Byers receives an e-mail at his office. A small t.v. on Byer's work station shelf is tuned to the news. A report shows the damage done to the interior of a Public Library in Pawtucket R.I. when an explosion sent nine computers through to the next room into stacks of murder mystery fiction. No serious injuries-the librarian on duty was knocked unconscious-but the computers were turned into shrapnel before hitting the books. Many books, and especially those with lurid covers, were shredded. The message Byers receives from Ken consists of a lengthy narrative.

It begins: Dear Mr. Byers:

Last summer I went to visit my Uncle Harv and Aunt Linda in Gunderson, Colorado. Uncle Harv runs a radio station there, and we went up to do some repairs on the tower. Summer is short there, so it was like it was going to storm up on Gunderson Mountain. The sky was a weird color. Uncle Harv was done, and I was really glad he was off the metal tower. I thought he might get hit by some lightning. As I thought that, suddenly this ball lightning came out of nowhere and hung in front of Uncle Harv. Then it dropped into Uncle Harv's hand. It didn't burn or shock him. He threw it to me like a softball. I caught it and sent it back. It was fun. After we did this for a while, he says we really should get home, so I pretended like I threw the lightning away, but I didn't. I snuck it into my backpack. Two days later, I brought it home on the plane with me. I had to put it in my jacket when I put the backpack through the security baggage check, but it didn't set off the alarms in the big doorway you go through.

I kept it in my room. I noticed it seemed to know what was going on. It was like a pet. We can't have pets in our apartment, so I liked thinking I had a pet. When my mom would come in, it would hide in a one of the outlets, or in a wire. I should probably mention my dad left us a long time ago. Mom works and also goes to school, so no one checks up on me very much. Of course, I'm very responsible for my age.

I didn't tell my mom about this because I thought she would worry about it being lightning, but I thought it was pretty harmless. I wasn't right about that.

I would like have a lot of security devices on my computer files. I have some bogus warnings that are posted in case anyone gets in. All I have are some games I've invented, but I don't want people messing. I told my ball lightning, which by the way, is named Flicker-it does this quivering thing when it's excited- about some security devices I would LIKE to have, like one that destroys the other person's whole computer if they hack me. Well, that was a mistake.

I'm pretty sure Flicker is the one who is blowing up all these computers. Can you help me find Flicker?

The e-mail closes: Thanks, Ken.

Doggett knocks on the door of Mr. Robertson's home room the following Thursday, after school. The teacher sits grading papers with another teacher. The agent steps in, "Mr. Robertson? I'm Agent Doggett, F.B.I." He shows his F.B.I. I.D.

"Yes," says Mr. Robertson. "The office told me you were on your way down. This is about those two boys?"

Doggett says, "I've talked with the brother of one of the two boys....they said the boys were hacking into the files of one of the students in your Computer Club."

"Mrs. Gingrich, here, and I run the Computer Club," Mr. Robertson says, "We certainly will try to help. This is a list of the Computer Club members. The office can get you addresses."

"Thanks," says the Agent. Back at the local police station, he phones his partner, who is at the site of the Pawtucket Library explosion, gathering data. She says she will be able to finish there by the end of the day and catch the 11:16 a.m. Amtrak the next day. He confirms that he can pick her up at Pennsylvania Station in NYC at 3:20 p.m. He says he needs her help questioning the boys.

Over supper that same night, Byers confides Ken's story with Langly and Frohike, and the two gal friends.

Mary says,"My parents live in the White Plains area. Right now they're down in Florida. I'm sure we could all stay at the house if you want to arrange to go visit this kid." Everyone agrees that this seems to be a good plan. As it turns out, everyone can go the next weekend, and Byers e-mails Ken that he should tell his mother what has been going on, and have her call him if they may come. She does call, and agrees that they can come talk to Ken and her.

In White Plains that weekend, Lois wants to stay at Mary's parents' house to help Mary, a graduate of a prestigious cooking school, fix supper while the trio of guys goes to the McLachlan's apartment. Mary says they can make enough for Mrs. McLachlan and Ken.

"Mary is good at cooking for a large group." Byers tells Lois. "She's worked as a cook at some of the Foreign Diplomats' residences."

"Yes, But...I'm having the worst luck!" Mary says ruefully, "For the third time, there has been sickness in the household. The people have had to go to the hospital, so I get let go!"

The three arrive at the McLachlin's apartment at the same time that the two Agents pull up. Both parties now know that they are on to something.

The whole situation is awkward for Byers. He hands the agents a copy of Ken's e-mail and says to the agents, "Look, this kid approached me in confidence. He brought back a strange ball lightning from Colorado last summer. It seems the lightning is sentient. It's gotten loose in the grid, and it has some bad ideas about what the kid wants it to do. I'm not comfortable with you approaching this kid like he wanted to hurt people. I don't think it's like that."

Doggett says, "OK, I guess we could pull back if you call us and keep us informed." The agents show faith that these right-minded, educated citizens of a democracy will do the best thing.

"I can call you tonight with whatever we find out," promises Byers.

Byers checks to make sure he remembers Doggett's cell phone number. Before the agents leave, Doggett turns and says, "The two boys were trying to go into Ken McLachlin's files when the explosion occurred. There doesn't seem to be any connection we can establish to any of the other explosions. We'd like to know if there's a pattern or a reason for them. Find out if Ken knows why the other people were attacked?"

Nell McLachlin answers the door. Nell is a slender ash blonde. When Langly's eyes meet hers, his pupils dialate. She says, "I'm glad you all could come. I don't have anyone to talk this over with. Ken's dad lives in another state. We don't hear too much from him. He's always "too busy" to help with Ken. She motions that the guests make themselves comfortable. "Coffee?" The Gunmen nod or say "Yes!" Nell goes to the kitchen. "We got married right after high school...Well, Ken and I, now...we're just "in the way" of what Rob wants to do, so we leave him be!" She brings the three some coffee, and then sugar and cream. "I'm lucky I can send Ken to my older brother Harv's in the summer. It gets him out of this little apartment, where there's nothing to do!" Nell brings out a plate of homemade cookies that are "set upon" by the Gunmen. "I can scarcely believe all this. Harv says he remembers the ball lightning though. I'm glad you got Ken to tell me about this, Mr. Byers. Frankly, there were a couple of times I thought I saw something in his room...Well! I thought it was some sort of inner eye flash-like if you get hit on the head? This certainly explains it, but...what about those people and the explosions? Can Ken be held responsible?"

"Well, that's a tough question, Mrs. McLachlin," Byers says, "They say be careful what you wish for because you might get it. Ken clearly wished he had the ability to "blow away" any hacker. Apparently Flicker got that part of it, without realizing that this was a pretty typical adolescent power fantasy. Obviously, Ken wasn't expecting it to happen."

"No, that's right, I wasn't!" interjects Ken. "It's like all those games I play with other people on the 'Net...sometimes you "die," but not really!"

Langly leans in towards Nell and says, "We don't think, in the other deaths, the people were hacking your son's computer. They might have been breaking in somewhere else...or they might just have been visiting another site!" He turns to Ken, "Ken, I guess Flicker can tell the difference between computers and other appliances?"

Ken says, "Flicker could recognize the power spike when my computer came on. A lot of time it was just laying around in the lines until I came home from school and went the 'Net. Then it would float up and watch me."

"Apparently ball lightning is not a prisoner of the lines as is regular electricity," comments Byers.

"It went where it wanted to in the apartment," says Ken.

"Do you know why it would have attacked those other people?" asks Byers.

"No,I can't figure out why Flicker attacked anyone other than the two boys, but I do know that Flicker is very scared of violence...I had to stop going to some of my favorite sites, even watching some videos...Flicker got upset a lot to see people attacking one another." says Ken.

Langly says, "So it's possible Flicker was trying to blow up the other computers if the user was at a scary site?"

Ken nods.

Frohike says, "The worst case scenario is that Flicker has access to the power of the whole grid and has learned how to "take out" more than one computer at a time. The grid covers the same area caught in the big blackout back in the mid-1960's...pretty much the whole Northeast Corridor from New York to Maine. I hope we don't start to see whole neighborhoods leveled, or a power plant blown up."

The phone rings loudly at this point and all five react in a startled way. They laugh at their reaction after they realize it is just the phone. Nell picks up the receiver and it is Mary calling to see if Mrs. McLachlin and Ken would like to come for supper. Nell accepts, and expresses to them all how grateful she is to them to have taken an interest in helping Ken.

They all get their coats. On the way out to the parking lot, Langly says, "So, Nell, You have a very fluid way of moving. Have you ever studied dance?" Nell says, "Oh! I go to a fitness center. Last year I took "Exotic Dance!" She blushes and adds quickly, "...more for the aerobics of it, though!" Langly blushes also, and jumps in with, "Gee, I guess Ken is about ready to do some growing? Do you think he'll be as tall as you?" "Oh! Much taller!" His Dad's as tall as you!" she says. Changing the subject seems not to have solved the blushing problem. Both fall silent.

Over dinner, the male trio is surprised that the three women are so alike in their analysis of Flicker. All three see the ball lightning as some sort of half-tame creature that is lost and confused in the grid. All three use analogies of powerful domesticated animals. Lois thinks of Flicker as being like a guard-dog. Both Nell and Mary think of Flicker as more like some horses they have known. Mary recounts a story about a horse that kicked someone to death as that person tried to lead it out of a fire in the barn. At some point "it" becomes a "she." The trio now senses there had BETTER BE some compelling reason to put Flicker "down." They realize they are no longer able to "shoot on sight." Oh, like, as if this wasn't a big enough problem?

So, now they have to come up with a way to get Flicker back to Ken that doesn't destroy the lightning. But how? Byers calls Doggett as promised. He relates to Doggett that Ken thinks the ball lightning showed up at the other places pretty much at random. Doggett is interested in some details about Flicker-size, shape, etc. Byers puts Ken on, and the two talk for several minutes.

The next morning, the guys are up early, helping Mary unload the dishwasher and prepare breakfast. Mary gets them coffee and they stand around the kitchen discussing Flicker. They "buy into" the womens' idea that the lightning is lost in the grid. Byers says, "It's quite possible that when the lightning blew out the boys and their computer, it got knocked back into the grid. The next incidents were across the Hudson River. It went east for some time then changed direction at Providence. Maybe it's following a trunk line? Maybe if we knew more about the grid, we could anticipate where it would be next and be there to lead it out of the grid?"

"And maybe get kicked to death?" asks Frohike. No one speaks to this.

Lois comes downstairs, and Mary gets her a cup of coffee. Ken comes downstairs and Mary makes him some microwave hot chocolate. Lois asks the guys what their discussion is about. Frohike tells her, "We can't figure out how to lead Flicker home."

Lois thinks for a minute and says. "Well, suppose there was only one way to for her to go?"

"Excuse me?" says Frohike.

"Well," says Lois, "Suppose there are too many choices now. But, suppose you could fix it so there was only one way for her to go?"

The Gunmen now begin to jabber excitedly in computer jargon. Langly insists that they must have "at least three computers in a series." Nell is lost. Ken follows this techno-blabber for a few minutes, then looks at Langly wide-eyed and asks, "You're going to shut down the Internet?"

"Except for your site." says Langly, who intertwines his fingers and inverts his hands in a knuckle-crack that implies he's limbered up his talented fingers for the task. The group piles into Nell's SUV and they all go to Ken's school. Ken asks Mr. Robertson and Mrs. Gingrich if they can use the computers. The teachers are hesitant until Mrs. McLachlin pushes to the front and introduces Mr. Byers as one of the principal speakers at the big computer conference, and introduces "his two associates." The teachers seem relieved to know the guys have some sort of credentials.

The teachers sit in a little office off the back of the room grading papers, while Langly, assisted by the other Gunmen, uses the school computers linked to their laptop to close down the Internet.

Except for one site.

The group returns to Nell's apartment.

Byers uses the McLachlin's phone to keep the Agents apprised of the situation. The three men, the two girlfriends, Nell, and Ken crowd into Ken's bedroom. Suddenly, Frohike scowls. He orders everyone but Ken and himself out of the room. "Go to the kitchen; make some coffee." he growls. Everyone complies. He's right, of course. What were they thinking, all crowding into the room to SEE if Flicker was going to blow the room apart? Lois and Nell share a glance.

In the room, Frohike tells Ken, "Don't sit. stand next to me. If this looks bad, I'm going to throw you into the clear. Brace yourself." Ken turns on the computer, and goes to his web site. There is a minute that takes a long time.

Suddenly a small glowing ball appears in front of Ken. Ken is exultant. He smiles a beaming smile at Frohike. The small ball, about the size of a softball, sends off many, many, little flares. It flickers. Ken gentles it into his backpack. Byers tells Doggett over the phone that they have Flicker back, and they soon will return her to the mountain in Gunderson.

Mary lands her family's little plane on the small airstrip at Gunderson. Harv and Linda meet the group with two vans, and they take off for the mountain. Everyone: Harv and Linda, Frohike and Lois, Byers and Mary, and Langly and Nell, is in for a treat to see the joy that comes to Ken as he lets the ball lightning back out into the wild.

You didn't really go for that stuff about our Government trusting its citizens to do what's best, did you? Hello?

Ken is detained in jail until his day in Juvenile Court. As a clerk carries the large insulated container with Flicker to the Evidence Room at the local police station a misstep sends the insulated container down the stairwell. The corner smashes open and Flicker scoots into an outlet and heads for home. Later, Nell sneaks Flicker to Ken in his cell inside a hollowed-out hardcover Lord of the Rings trilogy (plus The Hobbit) secured by a thick rubber band. Nell hurries out to the parking lot where Langly keeps her SUV running. The wall of the jail goes BLOOOEE! and all four escape into the countryside.

After a month the FBI calls off its tri-state manhunt.

In a related business news story, sales are soaring the rest of spring and all summer for Lone Gunmen Enterprises, exclusive marketers of "FLEE FLICKER FLEE!" hats, shirts, posters and bumperstickers.

Thanks for visiting my site!

Leila