KYLE: Evans. I know your pain, man.
MAX: I'm just fine, Kyle.
KYLE: I was in denial in the beginning, too. I mean...one minute she's telling me I'm the only one. Next, she's making goo-goo eyes at you. I can't deny it hurt. All break-ups do, huh?
MAX: We didn't break up, kyle.
KYLE: Max, Max, Max, don't...don't lie to yourself like this.
MAX: We didn't break up because we were never together.
KYLE: Whoa, she really did a number on you, didn't she? But I've come to realize that's her pattern. Her M.O. She's a man-eater. And I pity the fool that radio station fixes her up with, because...she's gonna fall in love, and then the hunger begins all over again. See ya.
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DJ: And may I just say to our listeners, that they are missing a sweet soda shop treat by not being here to see what a knockout you really are, Liz. Even with the antennas.
LIZ: Thank you.
DJ: You mean to tell me you don't already have a boyfriend?
LIZ: Um...no, not right now.
DJ: Well, whoever let you get away is gonna be kickin' himself when you're out with your dream date on Friday night. Now answer some questions for me now, Liz. Do you like blondes or brunettes?
LIZ: Uh, brunettes.
DJ: Ok. Home town boys or out-of-towners?
LIZ: Well, um...home town boys are ok, but...
DJ: I hear the sound of broken hearts all over Roswell. Brainiac or class clown?
LIZ: Yeah, I'm not into clowns.
DJ: Open books or challenges?
LIZ: Yeah, I guess I'm always up for a challenge.
DJ: It sounds like we've gotta find you a serious, dark-haired, mystery man from an exotic place by Friday night! Is Liz Parker's Mr. Right listening out there?
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(Liz is dressed up, getting ready for her date, and sees Max standing outside her window)
LIZ: What are you doing here, Max?
MAX: I couldn't just let you find another guy. I love you, Liz. I'll always love you.
(Max moves to kiss Liz and they share a long kiss, until a car horn breaks up Liz's daydream)
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KYLE: Hey! Hey! I've gotta help you out here. Try this.
MAX: I don't drink.
KYLE: Just...just take a sip.
MAX: I said I don't drink.
KYLE: Just one sip. One sip. What's it gonna do? Kill you? No. No, it's gonna calm you down, man. It's gonna, just, you know...take the sting away. Just...try it. Just trust me, nothin' bad's gonna happen.
(Max takes a sip and starts to cough. He looks around and everything is blurry to him)
KYLE: Do you feel dizzy?
MAX: My tongue...feels very...heavy.
KYLE: You really don't drink, do you?
MAX: Never...
KYLE: You, my friend, are drunk. How much did you chug?
MAX: This much...
KYLE: What a wussie!
MAX: Did you just call me a wussie?
KYLE: I believe I did.
MAX: Do you see that mailbox? I'll beat you to it. On your mark...
KYLE: Mm!
MAX: Go!
KYLE: It's "get..." You said--you skipped "get set!" You bastard! Max, where are you? Evans? Evans! Evans?
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KYLE: Evans! I know you're somewhere. You weren't that far ahead of me. Here Maxie, Maxie, Maxie!
MAX: I wanna thank you, Kyle, for giving me a new outlook on things.
KYLE: How the hell did you get up there?
MAX: I used the ladder.
KYLE: There is no ladder.
MAX: Well, yeah, now.
KYLE: Whatever. Get down before you break your neck and everybody blames me for getting you trashed. Maybe getting you drunk wasn't such a good idea.
MAX: No, no, you were right.
KYLE: I was?
MAX: Yeah. All the stuff you said...about me, about Liz. I've been keeping all this stuff inside...not confronting the horrible, ugly truth of it all. I've been hiding for years, Kyle. Years. But it's time the real Max comes out.
KYLE: He wouldn't be gay, by any chance, would he?
MAX: You're funny, kyle. You're really funny. No matter how much of a jackass you're being...you always know how to turn a phrase.
KYLE: You think I'm a jackass?
MAX: Yeah, see? See? Secret-keeper Max would never say that to your face. But the real Max...he'll tell you everything he thinks. No inhibitions. You should try it.
KYLE: Ok, so let's be brutally honest with each other here, shall we? You and Liz are in love.
MAX: No flies on you, Kyle.
KYLE: Ok, so then why aren't you together?
MAX: The problem is that I'm a serious, dark-haired mystery man from an exotic place.
KYLE: But that's exactly what she wants.
MAX: Women.
KYLE: Yeah. Go figure. We're a couple of big, fat losers, Evans.
MAX: Well, that's a little harsh, don't you think?
KYLE: Not harsh, but true. I mean, the point is we've let ourselves sink. I mean, look at us. We're beaten.
MAX: Not unless we give up.
KYLE: Well, in case you haven't noticed, we're here in the gutter while she's off smooching with dogboy.
MAX: We're gonna win her back.
KYLE: We are?
MAX: We're gonna show her how we feel about her and she's gonna forget all about Mr. Shallow and come back to us.
KYLE: Shellow.
MAX: Come on.
KYLE: Well, how do we split her up, exactly? Every other week? Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, alternate Saturdays?
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MAX: It's a symbol of my love. This is where I blew it with her...so this is where I'm gonna make things right. Done.
KYLE: Nice.
MAX: Thanks.
KYLE: Girls always like that meaningful stuff. I suck at that. So tell me the truth, does it really get you farther?
MAX: What do you mean?
KYLE: You know...farther. All right, listen, I'll tell you if you tell me. How far did you and Liz get?
MAX: We saw into each other's souls. How about you?
KYLE: Second base.
MAX: Well, we can't win them all. Come on, let's go.
KYLE: Wait, wait, wait. We can't leave now.
MAX: Why not?
KYLE: Well, look where we are. Liz's bedroom. It's Mecca.
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(Liz bursts into the room suddenly with Doug behind her)
LIZ: Kyle, what are you do...Max.
KYLE: Now, Liz, before you jump to any conclusion, I think you ought to know that we are really...really drunk.
DOUG: Who are these guys?
KYLE: We're the ex-es. The rejects. Actually, if you must know, we're here to win her back.
LIZ: Kyle, what did you do to him?
MAX: Now don't you go and tell her anything I've been talking about tonight. It's private.
KYLE: Oh, your secret's safe with me, pal.
LIZ: Um, look, um, Kyle, anything that Max has told you or anything that you've seen him do tonight, is a lie. Cuz Max, um...he has this problem. He...when he's drunk he sort of has a tendency to make things up. Right, Max?
MAX: But this is the first time I've ever been drunk.
LIZ: Would you two just excuse us, please for one second?
DOUG: No, this is supposed to be...
KYLE: This is none of your business, Shallow. And you're looking at 160 pounds of varsity greco-roman wrestler who's gonna keep it that way.
DOUG: Yeah.
KYLE: Ha ha ha ha. No.
(Liz and Max go out to the roof)
LIZ: Ok, Max, look, we've just got to get you somewhere safe until you sober up.
MAX: I don't think that's gonna happen.
LIZ: Why not?
MAX: All I had was one little sip...and it's not wearing off.
LIZ: Oh.
MAX: You like it?
(Max makes the symbol he drew glow like a neon sign)
KYLE: I said sit down, dogboy.
DOUG: Liz, what's going on out there?
KYLE: I can't hold him back much longer.
DJ: I knew it, people. Doug's already maneuvered his way into the bedroom with...another guy? This is...this is about the wackiest thing I've seen in a long time. Doug in the bedroom with another guy, while another dark-haired mystery man steals Liz away into the night. Wait a minute, what's this? Ladies and gentlemen, who is M.E., And what has he done with our dream girl?
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(Max and Liz are running down a dark street)
LIZ: Max! Max, please. We have to stop. Please, we have to stop.
MAX: Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go someplace where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else matters.
LIZ: You're drunk. Nothing that you're saying is true.
MAX: It's all true, Liz. It's how I really feel. It's all just magic when I think about you.
(Max touches a lamp post and causes the light to shine in a pattern)
LIZ: Max, turn it off. Anyone can see.
MAX: And when I'm not with you...I go crazy.
(Max touches a car and the car alarm goes off)
LIZ: Max.
MAX: When you're here...
LIZ: Oh, Max. Please.
MAX: You're my dream girl, Liz.
LIZ: And what if I believe you tonight?
MAX: Then we live happily ever after.
LIZ: And then what about tomorrow...when you go back to realizing who you really are, and all of your fantasies go away.
MAX: I'll still have you.
LIZ: This can never be normal, Max.
(Max touches the tops of some parking meters, and they start sparkling)
MAX: What's so great about normal?
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DJ: We're back live on KROZ from the strangest blind date I've ever been on. As I enter the club with Liz Parker, her dream man, Doug Shellow, and not one, but two of her ex-boyfriends. Lyle...
KYLE: Kyle.
DJ: And Max.
LIZ: I can't control either one of them. You guys have really got to help me. Please?
MAX: I think you'd look better as a blonde.
LIZ: Um...you know I think I just better get him home.
DJ: Well, hey, hold on there, dream girl. You're not gonna get off so easy. I mean, look at these guys. You got 'em hanging on by a string, and I think you owe it to them, and the KROZ listeners, to make a choice here and now. Will it be Doug, the dream man we chose for you...the ex-boyfriend, Lyle...
KYLE: Kyle.
DJ: Or Max, who kidnapped you, and vandalized your home? What do you have to say for yourselves, men?
DOUG: I thought she just wanted a normal date.
DJ: Ok, go for it, Kyle.
KYLE: Hey, I'm just happy to be nominated...and I think I'm gonna puke.
DJ: All right. Well, convince her, Max.
(Max steps towards Liz, puts his arms around her, and gives her a long, passionate kiss. Max and Liz see flashbacks of all the great times they spent with each other)
DJ: Well, it looks like we've found our winner.
(Max seems a bit dazed, then regains his senses, and realizes where he is and what he just did. He walks off into the crowd)
MAX: I'm sorry. I...I don't know what I...I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.
MARIA: We have to do something.
(Liz runs after Max)
LIZ: Wait, Max. Max. Did you really mean everything that you said when we were alone tonight?
MAX: I don't remember. What did I say? I didn't mean to ruin your night.
LIZ: You didn't.
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