It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl and it's empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge!?" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
screams, "Lordy, Lordy !!
How many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
ONLY FOUR PARACHUTES
[ Submitted by Janice Brazzo ]
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States,
and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly
people, and a superpower, etc."
So, he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball
and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So, he
takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President
of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator,
and I am the smartest woman in the world."
So, she takes the third parachute and exits the
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth
a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have
many years left,
so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice
and let you take the last parachute."
The boy scout said "It's Ok,
there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my
backpack instead of my 'chute'."
THE BLONDE NEIGHBOR
[ Submitted by: Marie on MO. ]
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it,
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her "is something wrong" to which she replied...
"There certainly is - My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying..."YOU'VE GOT MAIL".
"The Blonde And The Puzzle"
[ Submitted by: Debbie Girard ]
One morning this blonde calls her friend
and says, "Please come over and help
I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and
I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's
pretty good at puzzles, so he heads
over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him
to where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table.
He studies the pieces for
a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no
matter what I do, I'm not going to be able
to show you how to assemble these to
look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have
a cup of coffee, and put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Submitted by: Jan Brazeau
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members.
He knew she was a bad housekeeper but he agreed.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
Count Your Blessings
Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.
Sent to me by: R. McKinley of South Carolina
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
AT THE ZOO
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at thestork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee,Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
[ The poem below was sent to my by Lt. Col. (Ret.) E.Culbertson ]
POEM WRITTEN BY DARRELL SCOTT - FATHER OF TWO VICTIMS
OF COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL SHOOTING - LITTLETON, COLORADO
Your laws ignore our deepest needs
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage.
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms.
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere.
And ask the question "WHY"?
You regulate restrictive laws.
Through legislative creed.
Add yet you fail to understand.
That God is what we need!
TOM, DICK and HARRY
[ Submitted by: Rose... South Carolina ]
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night,
when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets
each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was
drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long
gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were
enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Two Blonde Builders
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
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