Disclaimer:

I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. I just love them to no end and have a very twisted imagination. Please be aware that I am extremely poor so suing me will do you no good. Thanks.

Warning: Lemon Yaoi / Explicit Language / Angst / NCS / Violence / AU

Pairings: 3x4 / 1x2 / More to be announced

FYI: Inner thoughts -- [ Flashback ]

Author's Notes:

Hey everyone, Chapter Two of Trials of the Heart has arrived! Sorry it took me so long but life's been a real pain. I've got so many projects going on at once that my head's about to explode. Fortunately though, I managed to finish this very emotional and angst full chapter.

Well, that's it for now. Enjoy the fic and please remember to review!!

Thanks again,

Forsaken

Trials of the Heart

"Get the hell out!"

What ……

"No, dammit. Please Duo. Let me see him."

Who's …… yelling?

"Are you fucking crazy, Trowa?"

Trowa? Why isn't here with me in ----

"Dammit, Duo. I need to talk to him. To explain!"

"Explain what, Trowa? You fucked up on him! There's nothing you can say that'll excuse that!"

Quatre's eyes snapped open as Duo's words triggered memories of the previous night. Images poured into his mind, flooding his insides with despair. It wasn't a dream, was it? It happened. Trowa ……

Quatre sat up, clutching his chest; the pain almost too much to bare. The voices just outside of the room he was in were getting louder and he couldn't stand hearing them.Shut up! Just go away! Go away …… please!

But they didn't. The bickering continued and Quatre wrapped his arms around his slender waist, his blue-green gaze staring at the open window directly in front of him.

The room was bright, illuminated by the sun's early morning rays. It was his favorite time of the day. But as he sat there, listening to the heated voices escalating in the background, the room began to dim; the light fading away, becoming a distant memory.

"Duo," Quatre heard Trowa say, his former lover's voice sounding harsh and …… desperate to his ears. "I know I fucked up and I know I have no excuse to give but …… Please, let me at least see that he's okay."

Quatre closed his eyes tightly, his heart ramming into his chest. His voice …… sounds so sincere.

All he wanted to do was run out of the room and throw himself into Trowa's strong arms. To feel his lover's warmth surrounding him once again. To feel the safety, the love, the pure joy he always felt whenever he found himself within his beloved's powerful embrace, within his presence. But I can't. I can never again run to him.

Quatre lowered his arms, placing them slowly onto his lap, his dull eyes shifting to stare at them as he felt the emotions that were plaguing him slowly begin to drain away.

Trowa had betrayed him. The man that he'd considered to be his other half had cleanly severed them apart with one selfish act. And in doing so, Trowa had accomplished what even his family's banishment hadn't been able to do. Trowa had destroyed his heart.

The Quatre Raberba Winner everyone knew was no more. There would be no more smiles full of life and joy, no more acts of gentleness and compassion, no more speeches of encouragement and idealism. No. That Quatre was gone. Only a shell, an empty bottomless shell remained in his place.

Did he hate Trowa for doing this to him? For shattering his once joyful world? Quatre's hands fisted within the folds of the blanket covering is lap as he gazed into the black void which had once held his heart. After a moment, Quatre's hands slowly opened. No, he didn't hate Trowa. How could he hate when he felt nothing at all? He was numb inside …… empty …… dead.

Quatre turned his head to face the slightly ajar bedroom door. If you're truly dead inside Quatre, then seeing 'him' won't affect you in the least, his inner voice challenged. If your heart is no more, then you can face the one who shattered it with no fear, no hesitation.

His body protested slightly as Quatre moved off of the bed; the pains of the night before making themselves known. He'd forgotten that he'd walked for hours on hours to get to Duo and Heero's place. It had been a foolish thing to do but at the time he hadn't been thinking clearly. He had walked in a daze, his mind focused only on his destination.

Quatre blinked, snapping out of his reverie and walked over to the chair where his clothes had been neatly placed. He looked at the folded garments wondering if he should get dressed when a loud thump resounded against the walls. Without thinking, he rushed out of the bedroom dressed only in his pajamas.

Quatre's eyes widened as the owners of the two angry voices came into view.

Duo, growling and absolutely livid, had Trowa by the collar of his black turtleneck sweater shoved up against the wall. Trowa wasn't struggling but his hands were wrapped around Duo's fisted ones, his face impassive yet challenging.

"Duo, stop!" Quatre commanded as he approached the pair, his hands already reaching for Duo's shoulder. "Please Duo, let me handle this."

Duo's body tensed for moment before he released Trowa's collar, allowing the brunette to slide down to his feet. Hands fisted at his sides, Duo took a step back but kept his body protectively between Quatre and the tall brunette.

"Alright, Quatre," Duo replied, his eyes locked onto Trowa's jade ones. "I'll let you have your say, but I'll be in the next room if you need 'me' to handle this." Duo directed those last words at Trowa, shoving the brunette one last time before he turned and stepped out of the room.

Keeping his mind void of careless thoughts, Quatre shifted his impassive eyes to Trowa. Rumpled and ragged, the brunette stood there looking at him looking unsure and confused. A small twinge surfaced around the area of his non-existent heart and Quatre banished it, irradicating it before it could do any harm.

Remember the pain, Quatre, of seeing him rutting in between another's legs, his inner voice reminded him brutally. No need for reminders, he told himself. I haven't forgotten.He would never forget.

"What do you want, Trowa?"

Something flickered behind the other man's jade eyes and Quatre forced himself to dismiss ever seeing it. No more lies. No more tricks.

And so he waited, waited for Trowa's futile explanation, waited for the words he knew were coming. Words that no longer held any meaning for him.

"Fucking hell!" exclaimed Duo, mumbling to himself as he paced around the kitchen. He was pissed. Royally pissed. "He's got some nerve showing up here. Asshole."

The back door opened and Heero stepped in with a brown bag in his arms. Dark brown eyebrows arched at the sight of his rambling lover.

"What?" snapped Duo, anger radiating from his every pore as he looked at Heero.

"What are you so angry about?" Heero asked calmly as he placed the bag of groceries on the kitchen table.

Realizing he was taking out his anger on his beloved, Duo calmed down a bit and slumped down into a chair. "Shit, sorry Heero." Duo's brows furrowed. "It's just that Trowa came by and ----"

"Trowa was here?" Heero interrupted him, a frown marring his handsome features.

"He's still here," Duo growled in response.

"What? Where's Quatre?" Heero moved to leave the kitchen and Duo grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Quatre's talking to him." At Heero's worried expression, Duo shook his head. "It's alright. He wanted to talk to him. He stopped me from kicking the shit out of the guy."

"Duo, you didn't ----"

"Relax," Duo assured. "Quatre stopped me before I could do anything …… damaging."

"Duo."

"What?"

Heero just looked at him, his arms crossed over his blue short-sleeved shirt. "I shoved him against the wall, okay." Duo grinned in satisfaction. "Hard."

Heero shook his head and moved to sit next to Duo. "How did Quatre react to seeing Trowa?"

Duo frowned. "He didn't." At Heero's questioning look, Duo tried to clarify his words. "It was like he didn't care, Heero. He just looked at Trowa. Just looked at him. No reaction whatsoever. Nada. It was sort of freaky, you know. His eyes were so cold. They weren't …… They weren't Quatre's eyes."

Heero sighed and turned his head to stare in the direction of the living room. "He's probably holding it all in. He doesn't want to feel the pain so he's burying it deep inside of himself."

Duo's eyes softened as he gazed upon his lover's face. Heero's words came from years of experience. It amazed him sometimes to see how much Heero had changed throughout the years. The change hadn't been an easy one. It had been a painfully slow and demanding process and at times, Duo had all but given up hope on the aloof man who had stolen his heart. But thankfully, his pride had been too strong, too willful to allow himself the easy way out.

Duo had fought. Fought against all of the problems, against all of the fears and doubts, against Heero himself, refusing to give in to the odds set against them. He had been a truly stubborn bastard and he couldn't help but be proud of that fact. It hadn't been easy but thankfully his stubbornness, his determination, his unconditional love and even his explosive temper had finally broken through the wall Heero had erected around himself.

It had been a hard and at times agonizing journey, but their unwavering love had kept them on track and had led them to where they were now.

Duo sighed. He had thought that Quatre had been just as fortunate. Guess I was wrong …… Dammit.

A hand intertwined with his and Duo snapped out of his reverie. He blinked and tilted his head at Heero in question as Heero's hand tightened over his own.

"I just want you to know …… that," Heero frowned as he struggled for words.

Duo smiled in understanding waiting patiently for Heero to continue, knowing that even now after years of being together his lover still had trouble expressing himself.

Heero took a deep breath and tried again. "I want you to know that I would never hurt you intentionally." Heero's eyes bore into Duo's violet ones. "I want you to know that I would never betray you ... or what we have together."

Duo's chest tightened with emotion at Heero's heartfelt words. Heero had come so very far. God, I love him.

"I know that Heero," he replied, his eyes full of emotion. Duo lifted his free hand and gently cupped Heero's cheek. "And the same goes for me. You're everything to me. Everything."

Heero closed his eyes briefly and placed a hand over Duo's, pressing Duo's hand more firmly against his face.

Suddenly needing to feel Heero's arms around him, Duo moved forward and sat down on his lover's lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around Heero's lean waist and rested his head against his beloved's muscular chest. Strong arms embraced him in return and Duo sighed as a feeling of comfort washed over him.

After a few minutes, Duo lifted his head, his eyes full of apprehension. "Do you think he'll be alright, Heero?" he asked, unable to keep the concern he was feeling for Quatre at bay. He was worried about the blonde and he felt out of his element because of it. He just didn't know what to do to ease the younger man's pain.

Heero shook his head. "I don't know Duo. Everyone reacts differently to pain. Right now, Quatre's building a wall around his. It would explain his coldness towards Trowa."

"Yeah and I don't like it. There's got to be something we can do to help him through this Heero," Duo stated adamantly. "I can't stand seeing him like this."

"He's only going to get worst."

"What do you mean?"

Heero's cobalt blue eyes looked at Duo, their dark depths full of hard earned wisdom. "He's been betrayed by the one he loves most, Duo. He doesn't trust himself, his feelings or even his friends right now."

"Shit," Duo cursed, feeling stricken by Heero's words.

Heero ran his hand along Duo's long braid gently in a comforting gesture. "We can try to help him all we want but if he refuses our help, there's nothing we can do. Not until he learns to trust his feelings again, to trust 'us' again."

"God, Heero," Duo replied in a whisper, resting his head once again the brunette's chest. "I want to beat the shit out of Trowa all over again."

"Duo."

"I just don't get it, Heero. Why did he do it? He had everything with Quatre. Love, respect, a home. What the hell could have pushed him into cheating on Quatre?" Duo closed his eyes, anger warring against the love he felt toward the man he'd regarded as family for as long as he could remember.

Heero's arms tightened around him and Duo did the same.

"I don't know why Trowa did what he did. Obviously, there was something wrong. Something Quatre had no idea about."

"That's still no excuse for what he did," Duo stated angrily.

"No, it's not. But it may shed some light on a few things."

Duo sighed, seeing Heero's reasoning and disliking it. "You know, I hate it when you do that."

"Do what?" Heero asked innocently.

Duo could just picture the satisfied smirk on Heero's face right now. "Make sense."

Heero snickered. "Well, somebody has to around here."

Duo pinched Heero on his side, eliciting a tiny yelp from his dark haired lover. "Shut up." Grinning, he raised his face and looked up at his lover's amused dark blue eyes. "I love you, you know."

Heero smiled softly and lowered his head, his lips hovering near Duo's. "I love you, too. I always will."

The brunette's lips descended upon his own and Duo's eyes closed in pleasure, his body already tingling from the assault.

His concern for his friend, however, was still in the back of his mind. A moment before all thought was driven away from his dazed mind, Duo promised himself that he'd be there for Quatre, be there to help him and keep him safe.

No matter what.

"What do you want, Trowa?"

Trowa was stunned for a moment, completely caught off guard by the ice in Quatre's eyes. It hurt to see those beautiful blue-green eyes void of all warmth and love. They no longer sparkled, no longer shined with life. God, I did this. I did this to him.

In that moment when he'd seen Quatre in their bedroom, standing defiantly by the door, looking at him with accusing eyes, Trowa had felt his world shatter all around him. He'd known in that instant that he'd lost what had valued most to him.

Goddammit, how could I have been so stupid? How could he have let this happen? How had his life gone so desperately wrong?

But as he gazed at Quatre's impassive face, saw the lack of warmth, Trowa knew why.You let your fucking pride get the best of you and you ruined everything, you bastard! He hates you now. Can't you see it? Look at him. Look at his eyes. You've hurt him beyond recognition. He's a stranger now. A fucking stranger!

God, was it possible? Was Quatre lost to him now? Would he never again see those eyes look at him with love and trust?

Why should he? his mind berated him. You fucking got caught screwing another man! How can you possible expect forgiveness?

No! he yelled back. I won't let him go. I can't. I love him. I realize now just how much. I have to make things right somehow. Make him see that it was all a mistake. A mistake that he would forever regret.

"Quatre …… I …… God, Quatre I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," The words tumbled out of him, hoarse and desperate and he didn't care. He had to make Quatre understand why he'd done it. Had to make him see. "It was a mistake. A stupid, horrible mistake. I ……" What could he say? What words could he utter that would take away that look from Quatre's eyes? "I ……"

"There's no need for you to give me explanations, Trowa," Quatre interrupted him, the blonde's voice quiet and calm.

Trowa stepped forward and felt his insides twist as Quatre took a step back. Oh, God. This can't be happening. "Yes, there is. I know nothing I say now will ever excuse what I've done," Trowa's eyes begged for understanding, "but I need for you to know that it wasn't your fault."

Quatre's eyes narrowed, anger replacing the darkness that had shadowed the blonde's eyes. "Thank you, Trowa. I feel so much better now."

Trowa held back a wince at the sarcastic remark. God, how could he respond to that?You can't, idiot, his mind yelled. Just keep on fumbling with your words and maybe something will actually merit his attention.

He took a deep breath and tried yet again to get this thoughts across. "I didn't say that to make you feel better. I said it because it's true. We've been having problems lately and I know that you've felt badly about it, thinking that you were the main cause. But it wasn't you. It was me."

Quatre's eyes were once again emotionless as they stared at him. Trowa swallowed in trepidation, searching desperately within himself for the right words to convey the doubts, the inner conflict that had been plaguing him these past several weeks.

"My self-esteem was shot to hell each and every time you pulled away from me in bed. Your reaction over what I wanted to do with you ... It made me feel ... Shit, I don't know ---- inadequate. It was frustrating the hell out of me too and I felt just about ready to explode." Trowa's voice was raising slightly and his hands were cutting through the air as he spoke but he didn't notice. His mind was too focused on Quatre and the turbulent emotions whirling around inside of him, threatening to bleed out of him.

"I didn't know what to do. These feelings were eating away at me and I felt like shit. I got angry, angrier than I thought I could possibly get. My pride couldn't take any more. So I started picking fights with you. I started pushing you to do things you weren't comfortable with. I knew I was being selfish but I just couldn't stop. I had to prove something to myself."

Trowa closed his eyes and sighed. "Then you started working more hours, coming home late and I ..." He opened the green orbs and turned his beseeching gaze back to his lover. "I started to go out. To clubs and bars. I'd try to drink myself into oblivion, wishing that I could just get over myself. But dammit, I couldn't. I couldn't do it, Quatre."

Trowa paused a moment unsure as to whether he should go on to the next part. He looked at Quatre, who stood unmoving just a few feet away dressed only in a pair of lavender pajamas, staring back at him with those empty eyes and his breath hitched.Just say it. Get it over with.

Trying to get a hold over himself, Trowa looked away from the blonde and gathered his courage. He took in a deep breath before he spoke. "Every night you worked a double shift, I went out until one night ... I didn't come home alone." Trowa's heart rammed into his chest as the words finally made it out of his mouth. He heard Quatre take in a breath and turned back to the blonde.

His chest tightened in pain at the sight of Quatre's pale face streaked with tears; the only indication of the pain Quatre was going through. Quatre's slender form was rigid and ramrod straight as his hands hung loosely at his sides. Blue-green eyes shimmering with tears gazed at him with no emotion, no hint of the turmoil Quatre was surely feeling.

Tears now tracked down Trowa's own face, falling freely onto his shirt as he tried to finish what he'd started. "I met Hadrian one night at a bar. I was depressed and totally smashed and when he started to pay attention to me ... I ... it ... it felt nice."

Quatre looked away, his eyes fixed on the wall to his right and Trowa swallowed the lump rising in his throat. You're fucking this up. You shouldn't be telling him this. But how else would Quatre know what had prompted his actions? How else would Quatre know why he'd turned to someone else?

"We started spending more and more time together. At first, it was all about friendship, Quatre. He was someone I could talk to. I could complain my heart's desire to without hurting their feelings. But ... but soon it become something more than friendship and ... I slept with him. I didn't mean for it to happen," Trowa rushed to add, "but it did and I ... I didn't end it after that first time."

"How long?" Quatre asked, his voice dull and quiet as he finally spoke.

Trowa lowered his eyes, knowing what Quatre was asking. Shame coursed through him and Trowa wished that he could turn back the hands of time, that he could do something to spare Quatre this pain. It was impossible, he knew. His sin could not so easily be washed away.

Trowa's voice was a mere whisper when he finally answered. "Six weeks."

Quatre's hands clenched briefly before they once again opened, his only outward reaction to Trowa's revelation. "Six weeks." Quatre's soft voice repeated.

"I'm so sorry, Quatre. I ... I can't explain to you what was going through my mind at the time. I can't even explain it to myself."

"Do you ... Do you care for him?" Quatre inquired, his tone but a whisper.

Trowa shook his head. "No! It wasn't like that between us. Please believe me, Quatre," Trowa begged. "I never meant for this to happen. I love you. Only you. I ----"

"Don't!" exclaimed Quatre angrily, his head turning quickly to face him. "I don't want to hear your words of 'love'. They mean nothing to me anymore." Blue-green eyes now a darkened blue narrowed as they bore into Trowa. "You don't know what love is."

"Quatre ... No!" Trowa pleaded, moving a step forward, his arm outstretched. "Please, try to understand. I made a mistake. It'll never happen again."

"Stay away from me!" Quatre hissed, backing away.

At the vehemence lacing Quatre's words, Trowa stopped dead in his tracks. All color drained from his face as he beheld his once almost angelic lover standing before him with eyes full hate …… for him. Horror and agony intermingled, crashing over him in waves, spearing through his body as he watched Quatre's eyes darken even more; all emotion fading from within their once crystal clear depths.

In an instant, the anger in Quatre's face faded away as if the emotion itself had never been. Quatre took another step back and when he spoke, his melodious voice held no anger, held no feeling whatsoever. "There is no point in discussing this further, Trowa. What we shared is no more. Please leave."

Trowa's hand clenched and his mouth twisted with emotion as he fought back the despair pouring into him. He wanted so much to take the little blonde into his arms, to hold him close to his heart and never let him go, but Trowa knew he no longer had the right to do so. He thrown away any rights he may have had the instant he had tainted their bond, the instant he'd betrayed Quatre's love.

Knowing that there was nothing he could do to change Quatre's mind right now, Trowa nodded in resigned acceptance. Reluctantly, he stepped back and turned to walk toward the front door. He opened the door but didn't make to move through it. Hair falling down on one side of his face, covering one of his jade eyes, Trowa turned to face Quatre one last time.

"I know that what I did can never be forgiven, that I hurt you like no other. For that, I will never forgive myself." Trowa tried to swallow past the emotion choking him but failed miserably."I love you, Quatre," his voice trembled as he uttered the now broken vow. "And I'm sorry for making those words into nothing but a lie."

Trowa's teary jade eyes memorized every feature on Quatre's beautiful face before he turned and walked away, his heart full of self-hatred and despair.

"And I'm sorry for making those words into nothing but a lie."

Pain lanced through Quatre as he watched Trowa walk away. Stop him, a faint nearly indiscernible voice cried out from within as a familiar flutter moved within his chest. Unconsciously his body moved forward toward the door as another flutter echoed inside of him.

He stopped suddenly as reality crashed into him snapping him out of the daze that had momentarily gripped him. Eyes that had been brimming with emotion became faded and empty as the void within him once again thrived, extinguishing the life that had stirred but for a moment.

Quiet feet shifted over wooden floors as Quatre turned away from the door Trowa had exited and silently left the room. Not once looking back.

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