Disclaimer:

I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. I just love them to no end and have a very twisted imagination. Please be aware that I am extremely poor so suing me will do you no good. Thanks.

Warning: NC-17 / Lemon Yaoi / Explicit Language / Angst / Drug Abuse / NCS / Violence / AU

Pairings: 3x4 / 1x2 / More to be announced

FYI: Inner thoughts -- [ Flashback ]

Title: Trials Of The Heart

Synopsis:

Devastated by his lover's betrayal, Quatre withdraws from those that love him and falls into a world of drugs and sex. Can Trowa gain forgiveness in time to save Quatre from the darkness?

Author's Notes:

Well guys, here's the first chapter of Trials of the Heart, my very first GW fic. It's an AU fic so please keep that in mind as you read along. I've tried to stay true to the characters as they were depicted in the anime but once in a while an OC trait will arise. Please be advised that this fic will be full of angst and at times will reflect a very dark world. The warning clause above is very clear and to the point so please make sure that you've read it.

Okay, that's it for now. So enjoy the fic and please review!

Thanks,

Forsaken

Trials of the Heart

Walking along the long corridor leading to his apartment, Quatre sighed. Was he in for another night of the silent treatment? Quatre closed his eyes briefly as his thoughts strayed toward his angry lover. He's probably still upset. Dammit, why has everything tailspinned on me?

Quatre reached into his pants pocket and took out his house keys as his mind focused on his lover. Ever since that night two weeks ago, when he had refused to go 'down' on Trowa, the brunette had been extremely cold to him. Trowa's stoic mask, the one he tended to wear with Heero, Wufei and even Duo was now in place 24-7.

Tears welled up in his light green-blue eyes as the pain of his lover's harsh attitude toward him once again swept through him. Never before in the seven years that he'd known Trowa, in the year that they had finally become lovers had the brunette treated him so unkindly, had presented that undecipherable mask to him.

And it hurt.

But what could he do? Trowa was demanding things from him that he just wasn't ready to give yet. Why couldn't Trowa understand that? Understand him? He had been a virgin when he had first lain with Trowa. His virginity had been something he had refused to give up, not wanting to relinquish to just anyone. He had waited for the right time, for the right person. That person, through Fate's hand, had been Trowa. Stoic, aloof, angry, frightened, kind, intelligent, and loving Trowa.

Quatre opened the front door and entered the living room. Placing his keys on the table near the door, Quatre walked to the small closet to his left and hung up his jacket, his body moving automatically as his mind continued to ponder on the problems he and his lover were having.

I want to stop fighting. I can't stand this anymore. He missed Trowa, missed his soft looks, his rare smiles, his soothing hands, his warm body pressed against his own.

Determined to break down the senseless barrier that had erected between them, Quatre had decided to come home early so that he could talk to Trowa. He loved Trowa with every fiber of his being and he didn't want to be the cause of his lover's unhappiness any longer. And since Trowa had taken the day off today, he felt it would be the perfect opportunity to air out the problems that were plaguing their relationship.

Quatre took in a deep breath. I'll try to do it. I'll give him …… a blow job. Maybe if I at least try, if I try hard enough, I'll learn to enjoy it. He deserves to have the same pleasure he gives me. I can't keep being selfish about this.

Trowa was a very passionate lover. The intensity of Trowa's lovemaking had surprised him in light of Trowa's aloof personality but Quatre had been swept away by that passion, that fire usually kept hidden behind those fathomless green eyes. The brunette had no inhibitions, no qualms during their lovemaking. So why should I? I just have to relax and draw pleasure out of what I'm doing.

But no matter how much he tried to convince himself of that, Quatre couldn't stop the nervousness that was nearly consuming him. I can't help it ... Dammit.

He had been brought up so differently from Trowa. Unlike Trowa, who had been raised in an orphanage, Quatre's family, large and nearly all female with the exception of himself and his father, had dictated every facet of his life. They had instilled within him a set of rules --- boundaries that were still affecting him even now after years of being on his own. He knew that his upbringing had taken part in his decision to hold off on having sex until he was in love. Of course his upbringing, his family had not taken into account that Quatre would someday fall in love with another man.

His life had changed when he'd fallen in love with Trowa, when he'd accepted the fact that a man not a woman held his heart.

In love and naive to the possible consequences, Quatre had revealed to his family that he was a homosexual and was now living with his lover. Quatre's heart clenched as he remembered the absolute horror that had swept across the faces of his father and his sisters. It was a day that would forever haunt Quatre. It was the day his family had turned him away, banishing him from their lives.

He had thought he'd never survive the loss. But in time and with Trowa's help, he had managed to get past the pain and move on, accepting the fact that he no longer had his family to turn to. The only family he had now was Trowa …… and the friends he'd made at work.

Quatre smiled as he looked through the mail on the coffee table. Heero, Duo, Wufei, Sally, Relena, Noin, Zechs and even 'pain in the ass' Dorothy were among the ones he considered to be family now. And so, although he'd lost his blood kin to the prejudices of life, Quatre had gained the friendship and understanding of a special group of people that now meant the world to him.

Quatre's hand tightened over the envelop in his hand as his thoughts shifted back to his lover. I can't risk jeopardizing what I have now over some silly inhibitions and baseless fears. I'm a man, dammit. No longer was he the boy he had been a year ago, an innocent when it came to life's difficulties. He had grown and matured and it was time for him to prove it not only to himself but to the one who possessed half of his soul.

Quatre moved to go in search of Trowa when something suddenly caught his eye. He stopped in mid-step as he focused his gaze. Frowning, he walked over to the beige sofa in the middle of the room and looked down at the blue jean jacket that was resting on its arm. This isn't Trowa's. His green-blue eyes roamed over the faded material. And it's not new. His fist clenched at his sides as he fought the urge to touch the foreign material before him..

Quatre whirled around, his eyes searching the room. For what, he didn't know. And then he heard ...

A soft moan shattered the silence hovering over the room and Quatre felt his heart skip a beat at the muffled sound. Oh, God.

As if he were approaching death itself, Quatre slowly walked into the narrow hallway leading to the rooms beyond the living room and barely breathing, moved toward his bedroom. Once again a soft moan vibrated through the air and Quatre swallowed, his heart beginning to pound mercilessly against his chest.

Please ... Please, no. Quatre shook his head as he neared the wooden door. You're jumping to conclusions Quatre. It's not what you think ... It can't be.

Standing in front of his bedroom door, Quatre stilled and for what seemed like an eternity listened to the sounds of unmistakable passion coming from the other side. He recognized Trowa immediately and as he continued to listen, his eyes watering, he could hear someone else, someone he didn't recognize.

Tears tracked down Quatre's pale cheeks as he slowly reached out and soundlessly opened the door. His heart shattered and his soul cried out in agony as his teary wide eyes beheld the sight before him.

On his bed, directly in front of him was Trowa. Naked, with his back to the door, his lover was moving frantically in between the spread legs of another man.

Neither man had heard the door open, had noticed his presence; the door partially concealing Quatre's shaking form and so Quatre just stood there, watching his lover 'fuck' someone else. With every thrust of Trowa's hips, pain of the likes he'd never known lanced through Quatre nearly driving him to his knees.

He wanted to run away, to flee from the nightmare playing out before him, but he couldn't. He couldn't move away from the pain, from the sight destroying his once happy world. All he could do was stand there, unable to move as the shock of what was happening, of what he was seeing nailed him to the floor.

He brought a hand to his mouth, holding back a whimper as Trowa's body suddenly tensed and a deep pleasured moan resounded against the walls. Trowa collapsed on top of the stranger he had been rutting into but continued to thrust languidly into the man beneath him. Another cry soon echoed throughout the room and Quatre's eyes closed in despair.

Quatre wanted to shout, wanted to rush into the room and beat Trowa senseless for his betrayal, wanted to make the brunette hurt as much as he was hurting. But as he stood there, listening to the contented pants coming from his lover and the man he'd just taken in 'their' bed, Quatre felt his mind begin to shut down along with his emotions. The tears continued to fall, but he could no longer feel the pain as a numbness washed over him, consumed him.

Without conscious thought, Quatre opened the door further and deliberately pushed it until it hit the wall with a thump. With impassive eyes, he watched his lover turn at the sound and felt nothing, not even disgust when Trowa's eyes widened as they focused on him.

"Oh my God." Trowa whispered, his tone panicked and shocked.

Trowa moved quickly jumping off of the bed and Quatre took the moment to look at the person lying still on his bed. Blonde, blue-eyed, the man, probably around his age, slowly sat up and ... smiled. Satisfaction could be seen within that smile, within those ice-blue eyes.

Quatre didn't react outwardly to the stranger's satisfied smile, but inside? Inside an almost uncontrollable rage began to penetrate the numbness that surrounded him. No. Don't let yourself feel it. Don't let yourself feel at all. It'll hurt. It'll hurt.

A roaring sound began to drum through his ears and he was barely able to hear Trowa's frantic words.

"God Quatre, I'm sorry," the brunette said as he quickly began to put on his pants, his voice hoarse and desperate.

Quatre looked at him with dead eyes and began to back away. Get away. He betrayed you. Get away. He hurt you. Get away. He'll hurt you again. GET AWAY!

Heeding his mind's pleas, Quatre turned and ran out of the room. He heard Trowa shout, but Quatre couldn't hear what he was saying; the roar in his ears too loud, allowing nothing to pass through its dominating presence.

Leaving everything behind, Quatre threw open the front door and fled the apartment. His footsteps echoed loudly as he ran toward the elevator. He stopped abruptly when he saw three of his neighbors waiting near the elevator doors.

Another set of footfalls could be heard coming down the hallway and Quatre's panicked eyes looked around the large corridor for another means of escape. The stairs! His green-blue eyes latched onto a metal door to his left. Get to the stairs.

"Quatre! Please, Quatre! Stop! I need to explain!"

Quatre raised his hands to his head and covered his ears, shaking his head as he desperately tried not to listen to Trowa's pleading voice.

Why? Why had everything fallen apart? Why had the man he loved, the man he'd tried to make happy done this to him? Committed the ultimate betrayal against him? Why?

Running down the stairs, Trowa's voice echoed along the stairwell as Quatre practically flew by each level of the building.

"Please Quatre! Dammit, stop! God, please stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

At the sound of Trowa's desperate voice so near, Quatre picked up speed. Why does he sound so sad? Is he regretting what he's done? Is he sorry for hurting me? Quatre shook his head, dispelling the foolish thoughts and the emotions that had been resurfacing along with them. He couldn't let himself be fooled.

Agony ... Trowa was agony to him now. He had to get away from him. He no longer wanted to feel the rush of pain that only the brunette could cause him. He was dead inside now; the other half of his soul having been destroyed in that one act of unforgivable betrayal.

Quatre reached the basement and rushed through the metal door. He blinked trying to focus his eyes as he tried to see through the darkness of the parking garage he was now standing in. He turned to look back at the door through the small window on it and saw Trowa's form rushing down the stairs. Quatre whirled around and ran toward the brightness of the garage's exit.

"Quatre!"

Quatre ran faster and winced as he ran out of the garage and onto the sidewalk, the sun hurting his eyes. With Trowa right behind him, Quatre threw himself into the traffic up ahead, desperate to reach the other side of the street, desperate to free himself of Trowa's useless pursuit.

"No! Quatre! God!"

Horns blared, tires shrieked and shouts of fear echoed around Quatre as he ran through the oncoming traffic. Amazingly swift on his feet, Quatre dodged the cars rushing by him, escape being his only goal. Death was there almost at every turn but Quatre managed to escape its dark embrace, reaching the other side of the street in a matter of seconds.

Panting and shaking, Quatre turned around and faced his lover as cars continued to whisk by; the busy street a fitting barrier between them.

His lifeless eyes looked upon the face of the man who had torn his heart out of his chest and saw tears. Trowa was crying, something that would've normally shocked the blonde for Trowa had never cried in all of the years they had known each other. But right now, Quatre was beyond something so trivial.

Eyes now a darkened blue stared at Trowa's pleading green ones as Quatre began to walk away.

Trowa shook his head, his eyes darting to his left and right, wanting to run into traffic but obviously knowing that he'd probably die in his attempt to reach Quatre. "Please Quatre! Let me explain."

The sounds of traffic made it hard to hear but somehow Quatre could hear Trowa's every word. No, don't listen! It's a trick. A trick to make you feel the pain again. Do you want that? ""No," he whispered in reply as his hands tangled within his blonde hair. Then run. Run away. Go to someone who does love you. Go somewhere safe.

Quatre felt the door to his emotions lock in place once more. His eyes looked over at Trowa briefly before he turned and walked away, ignoring the other man's continuous shouts, heading toward his only safe haven.

Violet eyes shifted open at the sound of a dull knocking against his front door. Who the hell could that be? Duo shifted and looked over at the clock on his night stand. Two in the morning? Fucking Christ! I'm gonna kill whoever's at that door!

He looked over to the other side of the bed and frowned down at the still form next to him. And this one sleeps like the dead. He nudged the brunette sleeping soundly under the covers. With a grunt, his lover turned onto his side, leaving Duo to fend for himself.Dammit, Heero.

The knocking suddenly stopped and Duo's brow furrowed. Something's not right. He didn't know how he knew that, but he did. Knowing that Heero wasn't going to awaken, Duo slid off of the bed quickly and walked out of the room. Dressed only in a pair of black boxers, he trekked across the living room, his eyes roaming quickly through the dark room making sure nothing was out of place and walked over to the front door.

Peering through the peep hole and seeing nothing, Duo closed his hand around the doorknob and slowly opened the door. He gasped and his eyes widened as a slender body slid bonelessly from the door onto the floor at his feet.

"Quatre!" he exclaimed as he fell to his knees and took the small blonde into his arms. "Quatre? Quatre wake up man." Panicked, Duo slapped the pale man within his grasp gently several times. "Shit, come on Q. Wake up dammit."

Relief washed over him when a pair of dazed green-blue eyes opened and looked at him.

"Duo?"

Smiling down at the petite blonde in his lap, Duo nodded. "Yup, the one and only." The smile died away, replaced by concern. "Are you okay, Quatre? What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

Quatre winced as he sat up and stared down at his limp hands, looking lost and defeated. Duo's eyes narrowed. What the hell was going on?

"Duo? Where are you?" Heero asked as the sleepy brunette entered the room, a hand rubbing at his eye.

Duo looked up at Heero, concern evident on his face even through the darkness and Heero frowned in return. He looked down and noticed Quatre.

"What the ..."

Duo shook his head, silently asking Heero to give him a moment. Heero understood and quieted as he approached the pair on the floor.

"Quatre? Can you tell me what's going on? Why are you here?" Duo felt the blonde stiffen slightly against him and he looked over at Heero who was now on Quatre's other side.

"He hurt me."

The silence was finally broken and two men sat in wait, confusion warring against logic as they waited for their blonde friend to continue.

Not able to wait any longer and truly afraid as to what the blonde was implying, Duo spoke. "Who hurt you?"

After a few seconds of silence, Quatre replied, "Trowa."

Shocked and totally not understanding, Duo looked up and met his lover's dark blue eyes from over Quatre's blonde head.

"What did he do, Quatre? How did he hurt you?" Heero asked, looking at Duo, his eyes conveying an unspoken message. Tread carefully.

Duo nodded, trying his best to understand what was happening.

"He ... he was ... I went home and ... I found him ... found him ... He was in our bed ... He was having sex ... He was 'fucking' someone else." Quatre's voice had hardened with every stuttered word, his tone emotionless aside from the deadly edge to it.

Well and truly shocked, Duo blinked several times before he looked up at Heero. Wide dark blue eyes looked back, mirroring his own conflicting thoughts. Duo was at a loss for words. How the hell do I respond to that?

Heero took the problem out of his hands.

"Do you want to stay with us Quatre?"

Quatre looked up for the first time since he'd tumbled into the room. Both Heero and Duo were floored by the stolid eyes staring back at them.

"Yes. For a little while. Is that alright?"

Unnerved by the dull blue eyes that were focused on him and by the cold inflection to Quatre's normally warm and cheerful voice, Duo reached out and placed a gentle hand over Quatre's pale cheek. Quatre didn't react to the touch, didn't respond in any way to acknowledge the hand carefully tracing his face, his light blue eyes now dark with unimaginable pain not even blinking in response.

Duo swallowed and tried to speak past the lump in his throat. "Sure Q, you can't stay here for as long as you like. Right Heero?"

Startled out of his thoughts, Heero blinked before he nodded his head. "As long as you like."

Quatre didn't smile, didn't sigh in relief, didn't do anything at all. He just sat there staring at them. "Thank you." He finally responded quietly ... lifelessly.

"Come on, Q. Let's get you into some comfy pajamas, alright?" Duo asked as he lifted a hand out to Quatre.

Quatre stared at the hand being offered and after a few tense seconds reached out and clasped Duo's hand.

Once on their feet, Heero left to prepare the spare bedroom and Duo helped Quatre change out of his clothes. The blonde was obviously exhausted and by now could barely stand.

A few minutes later, standing in the spare bedroom near the bed, Duo watched with angry eyes as the blonde he loved like a little brother shifted restlessly in his sleep.

What the hell had happened? Why did you do it Trowa? Why did you break his heart?

Duo couldn't fathom the answers to those questions. But as he stood protectively over Quatre's slumbering form, Duo swore he was going to find out.

After he beat the shit out of Trowa.

Forsaken Author Pairing Rating Subject