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Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't Yui's.

Inside and Out

It was hard to stand in the subway silently. I was staring out the window like the time that I had challenged him. Hikaru, who was behind me despite the fact that it wasn't too crowded, was too stubborn for me to fend off. He looked at my reflection and I looked back at him through his.

I touched the window, almost lost in thought.
I touched the impression of his cheeks with my hand, but the window was so cold. It was very, very cold.

Two Shindous… There's someone inside of you…

I knew because this person tried their hardest to hide from me.

At this thought, I took my hand away and looked down at the floor.

How could you not feel someone while you're touching them? Wasn't that weird? And yet, it made perfect sense with him.

Hikaru never made sense to me, anyway.
He was just Hikaru. Shindou Hikaru.

My rival and the one that I loved. And yet, there was that wall between us.

I didn't know if I had put it up, but nor did I know if he had put it up. We put it up against one another in some way, but I didn't know what to do with it. It seemed like the years solidified its existence within our relationship.
There was always a time in which Hikaru would be smiling at me, but looked so sad as if he were remembering something. It was strange because it was unlike any other melancholic smile he ever gave. It was a silent one that fought against himself.

Sometimes, I wondered if it was my fault. Did I do anything for him to feel this way?

Maybe… Maybe I had wanted too much from him…

I heard Hikaru come into the room, but he stopped walking. While putting on my sweatpants (a habit I had picked up from him because I never used to wear such things unless the school required me to), I turned my head to glance at him. His back was leaning on the wall as he crossed his arms.

He was watching me very carefully.

I didn't say anything as I turned around to put on my shirt. I didn't question him because I was just as guilty of what I had done.

I knew _exactly_ what I was doing.
It was my insecurity, I guess.

He plopped on the bed and heaved a loud sigh. "I'm so tired."

"Don't you need to go home soon?" I said as I pulled on my shirt.

"Yes, but it won't really matter. My parents know I'm with you, and they trust you completely, so I'm home free." He looked up at the ceiling as I went to the foot of the bed.

Then, I crawled over him. Taking out the band of my braid, my hair fell onto the bed and touched his arms.
I seductively smiled and told him, "They shouldn't trust me so much. Especially with _you_."

He smiled at me as he put his hands on my cheeks to pull me towards him. "But I trust you completely."

I leaned down to kiss him.
Then, I put my head on his chest as he put one hand over his head while his other arm warmly held me.

I closed my eyes.
Who were you, Hikaru?

I've touched you. I've kissed you. I've talked to you.
But I still didn't know.

"Sai…" Hikaru mumbled to himself. Then he sighed.

"Aki?" he then asked me.
"Hmm?" I was almost falling asleep because I was so comfortable.
"If you have that kind of dream again, will you tell me about it?" he asked with a bit of hesitation in his voice. "Yes, of course," I answered him.

Just as long as it wasn't true… That you weren't going to be with me… That you were gone.

"Okay." Then, he ran fingers through my hair. "Was that why you were so worried? The dream?"
"Well, that and the fact that you didn't talk to me for about a minute when I first told you."
"It…was a shock."
"Why would it be?"
"Because…well…" he then trailed off.

I opened my eyes and patted the area over his heart. "Just tell me."

Something told, like years ago, that I shouldn't have opened Pandora's Box. I should have just let things be and when the time came, they would be revealed without such force or effort.
Patience was all I needed.

There was a long silence, but I somehow regretted bringing up the dream in the first place.

"Sai was my friend."
"What?" I suddenly got up as I looked down at him. "But you said to Ogata-sensei that you didn't know anything. And Father said you didn't have anything to do with him."

"I lied, Aki." His eyes looked away from me and turned his head to one side.

I took a deep breath as a million questions came to me. Half of me was prepared for this because that's what I had thought, but the other half trusted Hikaru.
I didn't want to doubt him.
My hands took a strong hold of the sheets as I felt that invisible wall push me farther and farther away from him.
I felt like my heart was becoming very, very hard. I stopped breathing for a moment.

"Why did you lie to me, Shindou?" My fingers held onto the white sheets even more.

He didn't say anything.
He didn't move or blink. Hikaru remained motionless.

"Shindou!" I shouted as I looked at him. "Tell me why did you lie to me!"

After all these years… If there was anyone in the world I trusted, it was you, Hikaru. You were the only one who would stand up to me with confident eyes and a clear conscience.

As he turned his head to look straight at me, he tried to hold his tears back.
But, I damned my own.

They were falling onto his cheeks as I hung my head in defeat.

"Why won't you ever tell me everything?" I sobbed as I gritted my teeth in pain. My heart was cringing more and more.

I couldn't stand looking at him that way, but I was hit with my own humanly constraints.
I looked indifferently at everything, but when I felt something, it was always too extreme.

"I keep on finding puzzle pieces, but they never connect, Hikaru," I said as I kept my eyes closed, unable to look at him. When I opened my eyes, they were as blurry as ever. "I never see the whole picture. I never see the whole you."

At that moment, I lost my grip as I felt my body reach its limit. I couldn't control it any longer. I fell towards him as I whispered,

"You won't…let me…Hikaru…Why?"

Then, I fell onto his warm chest as I faded out of consciousness.

All I could hear was a tortured murmur of, "I'm sorry, Aki! I'm sorry…"

Before totally fading out, I thought,

"It's not your fault. I'm just so weak when it comes to you…

The world could have been messed up, but as long as you were there, Hikaru, I could endure it.

But what would happen if I couldn't have you? I don't know…

I really don't know.

I didn't want to endure it alone all over again…"

Tsuzuku… -- Author's note: Wow, we've come to a pretty heavy scene, haven't we? Dude, I was dying in the end, forgetting to breathe. I had to stop typing for a moment because I was so caught up with the story. Trying to understand things through Akira's eyes is quite troublesome. He's eighteen in this story, but being consistent to the series, he's always so much more mature than other people his age.
In my opinion, this is one of the gaps that keep Hikaru and him apart. They're equal in talent in Go, but not in mentality. I'm trying to build Hikaru's character to get to Akira while I'm trying to build Akira to get to Hikaru at the same time. They each have their strengths and weaknesses that only can be revealed the more they are together.

if you'd like to leave feedback, please do so here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1604068&chapter=6 thanks!

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