Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sama. ^_^v But I'll always obsess over it as if it were...

I had wondered for a long time if Yuki really loved me...

...only to find out all this time...

Did I really love him?

Infatuation

"Yuuki~!" I whined sadly as I tugged on his sleeve for about the thousandth time that night. "Please? Let's do something together." "No, Shuichi." He said without stopping his fingers from typing despite my pulling. "I have to get this finished." "That's what you said yesterday. Aren't you almost finished anyway?" I said as I sighed. He didn't say anything.

I don't know if he's lying or he just doesn't want to spend time with me...

After another sigh, I left the room hurt as usual. "It wasn't like I was asking much this time." "It takes a lot..." he trailed off as he mumbled to himself. But I didn't want to hear it. I just closed the door quietly behind me. Then, I leaned on the wall for a moment and looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry.

Hey, at least he didn't scream at me like last time... "Uruse!" he had shouted to my face the last time... yesterday...

Pushing myself off, I shuffled my feet to the living room and plopped myself on the couch. Again, I stared at the ceiling before me. "Oh, there's that crack right there..." I had said to myself.

Yuki had thrown something the other time he wanted me to shut up. And it had left an imprint on the ceiling... That wasn't the only place he had left an imprint...

I looked at the tiny scar left on my side. By accident, the glass shard had flown in my direction and I had started to cry. He thought I was whining and wanted me to be quiet even more until I tried to pick out the glass. He then came to me and took it out himself.

Looking at him, I had thought, "Despite everything, he always feels bad in the end."

That night, I turned over to one side of the bed to stare at the wall. My eyes adjusted themselves to the darkness and I started to cry silent tears. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't on purpose, but still...

"Ow..." I whispered as Yuki wrapped his arm around me and at the place where he had put bandaging on.

It was a sign...maybe...of the way we were... he putting his arm where it most hurt...

Then, he whispered in my ear, "Gomen."

It was a word he rarely used. It was a word he only said when he was truly sorry for what he had done.

And it made me wonder how many times would he do this to me... make me think this way... get me confused as to if it were my fault or not...

I didn't know anymore.

All I knew as the person who was now kissing me was showing the emotion I wish he would show... ...when there was light outside...

...and not in this deep darkness... ...this abyss where I didn't know if it was sincere.

But still those warm hands were reaching out to me... as my heart receeded within itself.

Was I really needed...or wanting to be needed?

So lost in thought, I fell asleep on the couch. But then, I heard some shuffling of feet. As I opened my eyes, there was Yuki reaching down to carry me. "You baka."

And this was supposed to be endearment?

But he was smiling a bit and that made me feel so much better as I let him carry me back to the bedroom. "You know I can't go to sleep without you talking to me..." he whispered not really knowing that I was awake at all.

It were times like these that I really questioned his feelings for me. And my moods swung as fast as his actions towards me. Maybe he was doing this out of guilt? I dunno.

As he laid me on the bed, he began to take off his shirt and pants to change into his pajamas. There he was yawning and rubbing his eyes like a lost little kid in the middle of the night. Well, it was already 4 o'clock when I glanced at the watch.

"Yuki?" I mumbled.

As he came into bed, he blinked his eyes and said, "Nani?" I cupped my hands together and just looked at him. "Nothing..." "Ah." He lifted his head as usual to comply and positioned himself for sleep. I curled up next to him and whispered, "Ne, Yuuki~?" "Nani?" he sleepily replied. "Just ask already." "I..." but I couldn't say it. I didn't know how to say it... He turned off the light, but I could still see his face as he looked at me. Putting his hand on my cheek, he asked again, "Nani?"

Then, for no reason, I started to cry as he did that.

Alarmed, he looked at me worriedly. "What? What did I do this time?"

Always so guilty... So guilty of hurting me...

"Is it because I didn't go with you today?" He then held me closer and said, "Okay...then we'll go later." I smiled, but I was still crying. "I don't understand why are you crying." he continued to get upset as well as irritated. Kissing his cheeking, I ran my fingers through his hair and said, "Sorry...it was nothing. Oyasumi." Turning around, about two minutes later, he began to breathe deeply. And I knew he was asleep.

But there I stayed awake like many other nights. And like so many other nights, being unable to go to sleep, I tucked Yuki in with the sheets and left to go to the living room. As I sat on the couch once again, I shook my head and found myself taking my coat and putting on my shoes for a walk outside.

But I sighed as I heard the crickets begin to chirp.

I don't know where to go... Who to ask why Yuki is like this to me...

So, after a long time of walking, I knocked on the one person who was closest to answering any of this...

"Ne? Hiro?" I knocked on the door. "Ne?" He rubbed his eyes as he opened the door. "Osu." I began to hold my fists in frustration and so I began to shake. Immediately, he took a hold of my arms. "Oi, nan desu ka? Daijoubu? Oi, Shuichi!" I then looked up to him and found myself crying for the millionth time because of Yuki's misgivings...his shortcomings that seemed to last so long inside of me...

I can only cry so freely with you, Hiro. Yuki would have shut me up again, if it were there in the apt...

He again sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what to do with you..." Then, he began to pat my head and pushed me inside. With his two warm hands, he pushed me to the couch, but I didn't want to sit down.

I have always loved your balcony.

I walked over to the balcony and leaned on the railing. Watching the sun rising, I put my hand over my forehead to block the light.

And once again, another day begins... It just happened to be the day that Yuki had looked at me for the first time... ...with that cold look and lips that told me, "No talent."

Again, tears began to emerge and I began to sob.

Hiro was there with orange juice for me to drink but he then took my shoulders. "You. Just cry here." He then hugged me and I think for the millionth time he had sighed.

Was it because of Yuki? Or was it me? But...but I just chose to be with Yuki...so does that make this any better, Hiro?

I couldn't quite put my feelings to words. That's why I was so terrible with lyrics...

"Shuichi, why are you crying?" He patted my back. "Yuki do something, AGAIN?" "Kind of..."

That was the first time that Yuki or I hadn't done something to each other directly. There was no fighting. It was just me thinking...

"He didn't want to go with me anywhere yesterday." I just said. But Hiro, being the best friend that probably knew more about me than I knew about me, shook his head. "You're lying to me, Shuichi." "I..." "You're really crying right now. You're not whining...and you're actually quiet." He then let go of me and lifted up my chin. "You better tell me, Shuichi. Or Yuki will hear from me again."

I then smiled and laughed.

Leave it to Hiro to really understand and love me like a true best friend...

"What?" He then began to smile. "You think I can't take him." I then punched his arm. "Maybe...it's the other way around." Then, I turned around. He mumbled in shocked, "Shuichi..."

After a long silence, I finally whispered,"I...I just want to know why Yuki is like this to me. I want to know why it's always like this. What's important to him is important to me, but when it's important to me, he sometimes doesn't think it's important...

I want to know..." but I couldn't finish.

"What do you want, Shuichi?" "I don't know. I really don't know, Hiro." I looked at him and leaned my arms on the railing. "If I knew, do you think I'd be here trying to ask you a question that I should be asking Yuki?"

I wouldn't be asking at all...that's for sure... if it were with Yuki...

I wanted so much to ask, "Why do you always do this to me?"

Do you really love me...

I think that was the underlying question, but was too afraid of the answer I'd get...

Hiro just shook his head and made me drink the orange juice he had poured out for me. I took it from his hand and drank it in one gulp while wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "Maybe..." he said. "Maybe you can't ask me or Yuki. But you can ask, Uesugi-san? He's lived with Yuki all these years. Maybe he'll at least have a clue for what you're looking for."

My eyes became wide with delight. "Yeah!" I then jumped into Hiro's arms in my chibi form and began to shake my head on his chest. "You genius! I knew I could count on you, Hiro!!!!" Then, he looked down at me and smiled. "Well, of course. How would I be your Hiro if I wasn't?" "Oh, Hiro, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" I glomped him again.

I knew he would give me an answer... even if it wasn't the answer itself, he always gave me a hint.

But before I could even call him, someone interrupted me and began to knock at the door. There stood Tatsuha with a sly smile.

Yuki missed me already... but he couldn't do it himself...

"Yo." Tatsuha lifted up his hand and almost looked like was saluting me. But then again, I found him watching me from foot to head. Tilting my head, I looked at him as he still stood in the doorway. Shaking my head, I threated, "I'll slam the door to your face if you jump me again. For the last time, I am NOT Ryuichi!" Laughing lightly, he smiled at me. "No, you are not." But knowing our unholy priest, he had a tone that represented otherwise.

"Come on, let's go." Tatsuha said as he placed his hands again into his jacket pockets. "Yuki couldn't have done it himself, couldn't he?" I mumbled as I looked at Tatsuha. "It's just like him." And I was very disappointed at that. Very disappointed in him. I shouldn't have expected more. Even getting this far was pretty good. "Yes, but the messenger can be just as cute to his brother's lover who happens to be Ryuichi's look-alike?" Tatsuha said bluntly as he smiled. I laughed at that and then said to Tatsuha, "Okay, give me a moment." Closing the door, I ran to Hiro and kissed him on the cheek as I got my jacket. "Thanks, Hiro!" I shouted as I took a piece of toast from his coffee table." As I passed by him again, he messed up my pink hair and said as always with that reassuring voice, "No problem, Shuichi. Anytime." But as I was going to close the door, I saw his lips say, "You know I love you, Shuichi." Though he wasn't looking at me as he said this, I mumbled back without him seeing, "I know. I do too, Hiro." But the way things were, I didn't want anything more from Hiro. I think I would break him if I did...

...because I knew he'd do anything for me.

As Tatsuha and I found ourselves in a local cafe, he took off his jacket as I took off mine.

I looked out the window at the clouds overhead. It wasn't so sunny anymore and I was depressed at that. Even the sun wouldn't shine. What have I got to say for that?

"Come back home, Shuichi." Tatsuha said as he leaned back on his chair with a serious tone. "Did Yuki really say that?" I replied with a bit of hope, but trying to not make it look like I was really riding on that remark. "No, but that's the gist." I slumped back onto my side of the booth. "He can't even say it." "He's not the type." Tatsuha said as he crossed his arms. "But isn't enough that he called me all the way in Kyoto to come here, tug on my shirt and clear his throat to say, 'Get Shuichi'?"

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't know what to say. This was a bit of progress, wasn't it? But if I went back now, it would always be the same thing. We'd fight, we'd make up.

I was so sick of this.

Looking Tatsuha straight in the eye, I said, "No, not anymore." I clenched my fists. I knew what this meant. This slight rebellion was an unsure thing...like Yuki's moods. Shaking, I smiled wistfully as tears began to crowd my eyes. "That's not enough." Looking up, before we had even gotten to order, I got up. "That's not enough..."

It was then that Tatsuha gave me this face... A sad face...

I couldn't stand it...

I then found myself running away from him.

That's what it always came down to, ne? I always ran away. When it was from Yuki, it was to Hiro that I would go. And where would I go if I didn't want to go to Hiro? I would go home. But I didn't want to go home.

Looking up to my apartment, I walked up the stairs and put in my key into the keyhole. Turning it, I just heard the clicking on the laptop.

Silence.

There was no 'hey, I missed you' or 'where did you go?' Nothing. Just as I had expected from Yuki. If it had been Hiro, it would have been a lecture and then a hug that said, 'You idiot! I'm glad you're all right! But you're still an idiot!' Then, he would cry a little...like that time I got so mad that slipped and twisted my ankle in the rain to find Hiro had not slept for three days to look for me...

Passing by Yuki's office, I went straight into the bedroom and packed up. He didn't even come to get me... He got Tatsuha to get me...

Even until now, that face is bugging me...

I lifted up my bag with a sigh and passed by his office again. He didn't deserve a bye from me, but with my head bent, in a small whisper, I said, "Sayonara, Yuki."

Closing the door behind me, I waited there for a few seconds almost wanting him to burst through that door to catch me... My eyes began to light up as I heard a doorknob turn...

...but it was just the neighbor...

I...I can't take this...

Running down the stairs and out the building, I began to cry harder with the pouring rain. Screaming inside my head, I repeated, "Stupid, Yuki!!!!!!!! You'll miss me! I know you will!!!!!!"

At that moment, I tripped and began to pick up my wet things with blurry eyes when someone had put their umbrella over me. When I looked up towards the streetlamp, there stood Tatsuha. And he bent down to help me pick my stuff as he took my whole body with it.

"Put me down!" I shouted. "You twisted your foot, Shuichi-san," he mumbled as he held me closer.

There I pouted but I blinked my eyes as my body began to react to the exhaustion of the day's events, I looked at Tatsuha and mumbled. "Arigatou." He then, held me closer. "Don't worry about it."

You're very warm, Tatsuha...

Unlike Yuki... very unlike Yuki...

Blinking my eyes, I softly said, "Yuki..."

But instinctively, I knew it wasn't. I knew everything about that boy. His smell...the way he fell asleep to how he held his coffee cup.

I was only deceiving myself...

Smiling, the face, which I was sure was not my Yuki's at all, looked down on me. "I'm sorry, but I'm not Yuki Ni-chan."

I know... I know that very well.

Feeling my forehead, Tatsuha commented, "You're sick, Shuichi-san."

"How long have I been asleep?" "Three days straight." Then, he looked towards the window. "And the rain still hasn't ended.

I looked at him and around the room in silence. That's right. It should be still raining.

Lifting himself up, I couldn't believe that he had just sat there and had taken care of me all this time. He had laid his arms on his own bed and slept there on the chair...

I had taken so much of my energy and look where it got me? I didn't want to live like this anymore. I know I wasn't the easiest person to figure out, but I never asked people much. And I never asked what they couldn't give.

I pushed myself to the limit. But this time, I cared. I cared a lot...

Then, I glanced at Tatsuha who happened to be also looking at me at that moment.

"Stop looking at me like that, Tatsuha-san." I scolded as I turned to my side unable to hold my silence any longer.

He's feeling sorry for me. That's why he's so nice to me...

He got up and got me some soup to drink. And it was then that when I gasped in pain that I realized that I had also twisted my wrist when I fell down the staircase...which was why I had tripped in the rain when I suddenly let go of my bag from the pain...

"I can feed myself." I stubbornly said. But shaking his head, Tatsuha took the bowl and the spoon to feed me. "You don't seem to realize that you're a very important person, Shuichi-san." Swallow. "Huh? What do you mean?" "All this time, you keep on looking at my brother to ask if he needs you." He looked straight at me as he fed me. "But isn't that something you're really asking yourself?"

Geh. He was good...

I looked down to the blanket in front of me. "I never do anything right...I can't make song lyrics...I can't sing well..." It was then that Tatsuha put down the soup bowl and suddenly hugged me. "You're so stupid, Shuichi-san." "Exactly...that's what I've been hearing." I sarcastically answered.

Yuki always made me feel like he never needed me. He could have lived life without me. So, why does he still keep me around? Was it because he didn't want to hurt me than he already had? I...I don't understand...

As I blankly looked in front of me, I said, "Tatsuha-san is so warm..."

"You are needed. You don't realize that there are so many people whose lives have changed because this pink genki ball came and shouted at them..." He held me tighter. I didn't understand why he was holding me though, but I felt very safe there...

It was then that I noticed he had changed my clothes and gave me his own... Maybe I was too touched...

I don't know... I really don't know if Yuki would have done that...

It wasn't because on the rebound... or that I was feeling so much self-pity...

"I didn't hug you that day because you looked like Ryuichi..." he whispered to my ear. Looking at me, we touched forehead to forehead. "I liked you because you were Shuichi."

I looked at him in shock. As he leaned forward to kiss me, I leaned back a bit but as he kissed me, I felt warm all over. Taking off my shirt, he whispered warmly to ear, "I don't why I love you..."

My eyes opened wider.

Where did that come from?

This was what I had wanted... I can't describe why or what...

but I had found what I searched for so long... Something that couldn't be found in Yuki or Hiro...

Kissing Tatsuha back, I closed my eyes and laid my head on the pillow...

I wasn't going to protest... No, not to something that had been impossible to find...

...myself.

It was then that he whispered, "Why...Why is it that my brother always gets to have what I want first?"

"Yuki?" I couldn't understand a bit...

What are you trying to say, Tatsuha?

"This time...this time I will fight back..." he mumbled as he kissed me even harder on the lips.

I opened my eyes and then closed them again...

This...this is what I had been looking for...

Yui Miyamoto Author Pairing Rating Subject