Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"

Mr. Burns:You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!

Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

Security system salesman: Now, Mr. Simpson some security systems look fancy, but they don't really protect your family...
Homer: Ooooo! Lets get that!

Homer: Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!
Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.

[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

Mindy: What's wrong Homer?
Homer: (crying) Oh like you don't know... we're gonna have sex.
Mindy: Well.......we don't have to.
Homer: Yes we do, the cookie told me so!
Mindy: Well, desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet and tasty!

Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle against the urge to punch ‘em in the face, and for what?! For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team. Well I’m better than dirt... well most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. I…I can’t compete wit that stuff.

Lisa: DAAAADD! You can't just leave us, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a hilarious situation.

Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

Homer: Oh Lisa, there’s no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only date back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

Homer: All you can eat - Hah!
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, The Never Ending Story.
Homer: Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Now, Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.

"no! my freakin' ears!" -rod flanders
Homer: mmm...donuts..is there nothing they can't do?

Homer: someday you'll thank me for this son...no it's true, you know when i was a boy i really wanted a catcher's mitt but my dad wouldn't get it for me, so i held my breath until i passed out and banged my head on a coffee table, the doctors thought i might have brain damage!...i like stories!

Barney: Hello, my name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get BEATEN UP.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Marge: Kids can be so cruel!
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is the cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer??

[Homer enters the room]
Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Homer: It's my good friends the nerds! So what have you guys been up to?
Nerd 1: I've developed a program that downloads pornography a million times faster.
Marge: Who needs that much pornography?!
Homer: mmmm....so much porno...aaaaauuugghhhhh [tongue hanging out]

Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Pricipal Skinner: Good job Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

[Homer and Flanders are driving]
Flanders: Hey, I think we hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders...hahahaha

Moe: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt.

Homer: Now we play the waiting game... [after waiting a couple seconds] Ahh the waiting game sucks! Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.

Principal Skinner: Now children are there any questions for postmaster Bill?
Nelson: You ever go on a killing spree?
Postmaster: Oh no, the day of disgruntled mailmen shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.
Principal Skinner: Well, i'm just glad I work in an elementary school.

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men run free than chase after them.

Teenager working at Krusty Burger: We need some more secret sauce... put the mayonnaise in the sun.

Comic Book Guy: [While being pushed in a wheel barrow in line at the hospital] Ooohhh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

FBI agent: When I say, 'Hello, Mr. Thompson,' and step on your foot you nod. You got it!! Homer: No problem.
FBI agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson, (stomping on Homers foot)
Homer: (after a very long pause, whispers to the other FBI agent) I think he's talking to you.

Homer: What do you have to drink?
Street Vender: We have Mountain Dew and Crab juice.
Homer: Eeewww, I'll take the Crab juice.

Maude Flanders: Hurry Neddy, he's gaining!
Ned Flanders: I can't...it's a Geo!

Krusty: I could pull a better cartoon outta my Hey-eeeyyy, KIDS!

Milhouse: Remember Alf? He's back -- in pog form!

~back to quotequeen~
~simpsons 4~








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