"I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?"

God bless the simpsons!! i love that show. if a quote is copied more than once than deal with it. this is gonna end up a long list and heck it's the simpsons... just laugh at the quote again!!

below are some quotes from this beloved show...enjoy!!

"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

What do we need a psychiatrist for, we know our kid is nuts!

"Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."

"The strong must protect the sweet"

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"

Waiter: Well when you choose one thats floating upside-down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster!

"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."

"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

"Mmmm, free goo." "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Marge: Hello, I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe
Guy: First name, age, problem?
Marge: I'm Marge, 34, and my problem's my husband. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't appreciate me, I don't know how much longer I can...
Guy: Hey lady, save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?

"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"

"Ow, quit it! Ow, quit it! Ow, quit it! Ow, quit it! Ow, quit it!"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."

"Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"

(looks at Uruguay on the globe) "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!"

Homer: Phe-yew, when is this over?
Bart: It aint over till the fat lady sings!
Homer: That one fat enough for you, son?

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jaques there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jaques. Last name... strap?

There's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name isn't Santa

Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
Bart: What can he do?
Lisa: He'll give you good advice! He's the toughest Simpson alive!
Bart: He is?
Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home!?

Homer: Hehe... jealous.

Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

homer: 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

Bart: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down"

Lionel Hutz: I kinda ran over his dog, but replace the word *kinda* with *repeatly* and the word *dog* with the word *son*

Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Homer: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

[On working at the DMV.]
Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.

Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?

bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.

Milhouse: Remember when he ate my fish and you said I didn't even have any fish, then why did I have the bowl bart? Why did I have the bowl!!??

Homer: Marge, old people don't need excitement. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding.

"Bart, stop pestering Satan!"

Grandpa: At my age, Death is waiting at every corner... aaah! Death!
Lisa: That's Maggie.
Grandpa: Oh, sorry, as I was saying... AAAH! Death!
Lisa: That's Snowball.
Grandpa: Oh, sorry, AAAH! Death!
Lisa: That's Maggie again.

Newspaper critic boss guy: This isn't a food report it just says screw Flanders about 50 times.

Homer: Its Okay Marge, I've learned my lesson A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii

Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman.

Homer: Oh my God someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, its for Bart.

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hi ya.
Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers. I'm way ahead of ya.

Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact no nog, period. And third absolutely no stealing for three months.

Marge: Homie, are you really going to ignore Grandpa for the rest of your life.
Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Bart: I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you son, Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.

homer: Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic.
marge: well...duhhh!!

Apu: You look familiar, sir, Are you on the television or something?
Homer: Sorry, buddy, You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

Mulder:What's the point of this test, Scully?
Scully: No point, I just he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling...is...almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes..it's like a lava lamp.

Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition
Lisa: That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart
Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
Lisa: They also have memorial day!
Bart: Oh Lisa maybe you're right maybe you're wrong, the important thing is that veterans deserve a day to honor them!
Lisa: They have TWO!
Bart: Well maybe they should have three, I'm Bart Simpson.

Marge: Homer, is that my good butter?
Homer: Quiet Marge! I'm trying to work. And now to write another delicious memo. Mmmmmmmmm...memo.

Marge: Grandpa, why are there only 49 stars on that flag?
Grandpa: It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missourah!

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Smithers: Wha...? I...
Mr. Burns: You know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Eh, eh, eh, exactly sir.

Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

Homer: I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.

Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table] >br> Marge: What is it with you and robots?

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Seymour: Lisa, Channel Six is launching a childrens news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
Lisa: (gasps) Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true
Seymour: Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor
Lisa: I know, I already jumped to that conclusion Seymour: Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?
Lisa: Me!
Skinner: Take your sash and go!

Lou: I went to the McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, its the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example?
Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese... well I can see the cheese but? Hey, do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based beverages?
Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.'
Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.

Lisa: They call her the cat lady, people say she's crazy just because she has a few-dozen cats. But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy? (lady gets out of house, sees Lisa, and starts throwing cats at her, and chasing her)
Lisa: The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore. (train comes past, displaying the words 'Union Pacific' on each of the 30 or so carriages, when the train fully gets past, the lady with the cats is there, still chasing here)

[The Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer.
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...

Lisa's Brain: They're only pretending to be your friends because of the pool.
Lisa: Shut up, brain. I don't need you any more, I'm popular now.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me.
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh.

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think her name is Mother Shabubu now.

Willy[thoughts]: Don't be hard on the wee boy. His father is going to ga-ga and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willy: You read my mind boy. You've got the shinning.
Bart: You mean "shining"?
Willy: Shh. You want to get sued?

[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington.
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

[After Homer runs over a deer]
Homer: D'oh.
Marge: A deer.
Lisa: A female deer.

[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?

[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im.
[Bart gasps.]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares.]
Willy: Ya heard me.

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem.



homer's oddessy (a random gathering of homer quotes (__cause i get tired of typing homer over and over and over__)

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it --Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

 Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways... and which way to the can?

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball. ha ha ha ha!!

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.




submitted by pedro:
thanks wanksta!! i owe ya!!

lisa: maybe he can lead us to some bananas
homer: or he can lead us to more mouthwatering monkeys

guy in shelbyville: boy your as stupid as you look
homer: STUPID LIKE A FOX!

homer: dear baby! welcome to dumpsville, population, you

homer: hello i believe you have a package for me my name is Mr. burns
mailman:ok mr burns whats your first name
homer: I dont know

the doctor said i wouldnt have so many nose bleeds if i kept my finger out of there

mabye its the beer talking marge but you got a butt that woint quit. they got these soft chewy pretzles that are all the (muffled) 5 dollars! get out of here

hi um let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, bottle of old harper, some of those panty sheilds, (some illegal fireworks) and one of those disposible enimas. naw make it 2.
gee homey i dont know what u have planned for tonight but count me out

homer: moe i need your andvice, i have this friend named joey joe jo jr shabadu moe: thats the worst name ive ever heard. (guy runs out crying) barney: hey joey joe jo!!! homer: ohh what the hell, its me

ralph: i heard you dad went into a resturant and ate everything in the resturant and they had to close the resturant

i beat the snart kids i beat the smart kids(tripss and falls) ouch! i bent my wookie

homer:Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

homer: All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.


need more?? pg2