Homer: Hey! Are you, like, one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [taunts him]
Marine: [punches Homer] No SIR! US Marine Corps, sir!

Bart: Dad! you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.

Marge: You lost 5% of your brain!
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh, oh![laughs] Why I laugh?

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't perscribed for you.
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet fall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They say if you don't come in today you needn't bother coming in tomorrow.
Homer: Woohoo! Three day week!

Man: Alright, here are your exams, 50 questions, true or false.
Homer: True
Man: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True
Man: Look, Homer, Just take the test, and you'll do fine
Homer: False.

Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: You play right field.
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: I play right field, too.
Darryl: so?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I've never met you, but, yes.

Marge: Have you noticed something different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No. He looks like something may be troubling him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I'd think that we should get more involved in his activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then they'd give us the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was Marge, admit it.

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?
Marge: Ohh, uh we're all out, Homer. How about some fruit juice?
Homer: Don't toy with me woman.

Doctor : Mr.Simpson, I'm convinced you pose no threat to yourself or others.
Homer : That's the most flattering thing anybody's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?
Homer: Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.

Homer: You don't understand, Marge. I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line and I'm not out of order, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system's out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

homer: Can't talk ... eating.

homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

homer: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

homer: If something goes wrong...blame the guy who can't speak English.

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

homer: Marge, why do you always take the side of local merchants?

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: Oh! $20, but I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: $20 can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Whippee!

Mr. Burns: Who are you?
Homer's brain: Quick make something up.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns

Insurance Guy: Now this place Moe's you were coming home from, is this some business of some sort?
Homer's Brain: Think quick, you can't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at that time?
Homer: Pornography, it's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: "Heh-heh-heh...quick thinking

"Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!" Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Homer: Who called all these wierd places? [looking at phone bill]
Homer's brain: Quiet, it might be you. I can't remember.
Homer: No. I'm gonna ask Marge.
Homer's brain: No, No! Why embarass us both? Just write a check, and I'll release some more endorphins

Nelson: Hey Simpson, what are you trying to play?
Bart: Polly-Wally-Doodle
Nelson: Oh yeah, well it sounds Polly-Wally-Crappy.

[Bart runs out of Moes, leaving behind his food]
Homer : Bart! You didn't finish your spagetti and moe-balls!
Homer's Brain : Silence fool! It could be ours!
Homer : Run boy! Run for you life........boy!

Homer: Yvan Eht Nioj! You've gotta love that crazy chorus!
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: Eh, it doesn't mean anything. Like ramalanga ding dong, and give peace a chance.

Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!

Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.

Secetary: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you want a little brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge.
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it, I'm outta here.
[footsteps followed by...slam!]

Homer: Maybe we should...
Marge: Oh yeah! Yeah
::try to mess around for a bit...weird silence::
Homer: Look who's here!
Marge: Oooh! Who's a good boy?
Homer: He's the best boy!
Marge: Oh yes he is, yes he is!........(dog exits)
::silence::
Homer: Hey Marge wasn't that great when the dog came in here
Marge: Oh yeah he's really special!
Homer: I love that dog
Marge: I love him to...good night
Homer: Good night

Bart: (on the chalkboard) it does not suck to be you

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

[Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus.]
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow. ::does baby-talk::
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

"But...the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels!"

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

"Mental note: the girl knows too much."

"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow! "

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

"Save me Jebus!!"

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

"I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."



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