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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to fuck your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. Cinderella starts receiving Bashful''s subscription to "Hustler."
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star...not a damn thing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups

Nathan Lane (at the Academy Awards) remarking on Disney's marketing skills: Who else could have brought you "Little Mermaid" fish sticks, "The Lion King" push-up bra, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" backpack, and the "Pocahontas" home pregnancy test?"