Into the Woods

Narrator.........................Bryony (me!!! Sorry, just couldn‘t resist!)

Cinderella......................Milliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Marquise

Jack..............................Duo Maxwell

Baker............................Trowa Barton

Baker's Wife..................Quatre Raberba Winner

Stepmother....................Sally Po

Stepsisters....................Relena Peacecraft and Dorothy Catalonia

Jack's Mother.................Sally Po

Little Red Ridinghood.......Hilde Schbeiker

Witch.............................Lady Une

Cinderella's Father...........Wufei Chang (or Chang Wufei, whichever you prefer!)

Cinderella's Mother...........Treize Khushrenada

Mysterious Man................Wufei Chang

Wolf.................................Heero Yuy

Rapunzel..........................Catherine Bloom {understudied by Duo Maxwell}

Rapunzel's Prince..............Treize Khushrenada

Little Red's Granny.............Quatre Raberba Winner

Cinderella's Prince..............Heero Yuy

Steward.............................Lucrezia Noin

Snow White........................Wufei Chang/Chang Wufei

Sleeping Beauty..................Duo Maxwell

The year A.C. 200. All wars are off. Everyone's either the best of friends, or at least on relatively good terms with each other. Unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily make this the best of times. You see, unemployment is at its peak.

Particularly for a certain set of people formerly starring in Gundam Wing.

So what have they decided to do for cash? Well, originally they planned on becoming strippers, but as none of them could dance, that didn't really work out too well. So, with a little friendly nudging from the neighborhood author, they decided to become actors. . .again. . . .

Their job, and no they don't have choice of acceptance, was to fill in for the cast on strike in the Broadway musical Into the Woods. In fact, they're backstage right now getting familiar with their parts for opening night!

Let's join them, shall we?

Backstage... Everyone's seated backstage (duh. . .), staring at their scripts.

"Oh my God, oh my God, it's opening night and I don't even know what character I am!" Duo screamed, running back and forth. . .back and forth. . .back and forth.

Wufei sat still, watching Duo with his eyes, wondering what would happen if. . .

Wufei suddenly stuck out his foot and Duo ran into, keeling over and dropping smack down onto the floor. "Oof," he groaned.

"I'm playing a girl?" Quatre asked in disbelief, peering at his assigned

parts. . ."Two girls?! Who's behind this anyway?"

Meanwhile...

Onstage, the lights had dimmed. Bryony -- the Author/Narrator (sorry I just couldn't resist a little self-insert -- Don't worry, it‘s small, and I die.) stood alone onstage, wondering where her cast was.

She cleared her throat loudly, and suddenly a spotlight hit her full in the face -- the light only, not the actual, um, light. . .Anyway, she began her narrative.

"Once upon a time," she said. The music started. No one continued.

"Uh, Once upon a time," she said again, pointedly.

Nothing. She blinked. "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we're having technical difficulties at the moment, please excuse me."

The audience booed, and she jumped behind the stage curtain as the rotten tomatoes began to fly.

"Ciiiindy!!!" she screeched, flying backstage, "Where the hell are you?!?!?!"

"I'm not doing it," Milliardo told her calmly. "No. Uh-uh. No way. Dressing up like a girl is bad enough. Singing while being dressed up like a girl I am not doing."

Bryony's left eye began to twitch.

"I do have some remnant of my masculine pride, you know. . ." Milliardo continued.

Bryony's left eye looked like it was part of conga line and loving it.

"Uh. . ." Milliardo paused as he noticed that Bryony's eye seemed like it going to conga right off her face.

Bryony grabbed him around the waist and lifted with impossible strength, flinging Milliardo onstage. Then she went in search of the other characters who were supposed to be onstage at that moment in time.

Bryony cleared her throat, once again being hit in the face with the spotlight. "Once upon a time-" she stated again.

"I wish!" Milliardo -- er, um, Cinderella rather -- chirped in a faltering falsetto.

"-in a far off kingdom-"

"More than anything!" Cinderella's voice cracked.

"-lived a sad young maiden-"

"More than life!"

"-a sad young lad young lad-"

"More than jewels!" Cinderella/Milliardo screeched.

Duo grinned stupidly at the audience, missing his cue. The music grinded to a halt.

"Oh yeah!" he cried. "I wish!"

"-and a childless baker-" Bryony sighed.

"More than life!" Jack/Duo sung.

"I wish!" Cinderella/Milliardo sung, and Trowa mouthed along.

"With his wife," Bryony growled, glaring over at the Baker and his wife, or in this case, uh, husband. . . .

"More than anything!" Jack/Duo cried.

"More than the moon!" cried Cinderella and Jack, while the Baker/Trowa mouthed along.

"I-I-I wish!" Quatre sang nervously, stumbling over the words, and staring fearfully at the audience.

"The King is giving a Festival!" Milliardo shrieked.

"More than life," came the whisper from the other end of the stage.

And so it continued. Basically, all that happens is that we find out that the Baker and his Wife want to have a child, and Jack wants his cow to give some milk. . .or even cheese.

Suddenly, Cinderella's Stepmother and Stepsisters enter, the Stepsisters clad scantily in their petticoats and underwear.

"You wish to go to the Festival?" the Stepmother, played by Sally, questioned, bopping Cinderella over the head with her fan.

"-the poor girl's mother had died-" Bryony said, staring pityingly at Milliardo as Sally, Relena, and Dorothy teased him -- err, her, excuse me.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage, Trowa was desperately trying to revive Quatre, who had fainted from stagefright.

"Look at your nails!" Relena laughed.

"Look at your dress!" Dorothy cried.

"People would laugh at you!" Sally put in.

"Psst. . .Quatre!"

". . .And dance before the Prince?!" the Stepmother and sisters finished, and laughed uncontrollably, before running offstage.

"All three were beautiful of face, but vile and black of heart," the Narrator/Bryony tells us. "Jack, on the other hand, had no father, and his mother-"

The spotlight switched to Jack. We see him petting his cow and smiling dopily. Sally ran onstage again in a different costume. "I wish!" she sang breathlessly.

"Well. . .she was not quite beautiful. . ."

Sally shot Bryony a death glare not unlike Heero's, and continued to sing.

"I wish my son were not a fool. . .I wish my house was not a mess. . .I wish the cow was full of milk, I wish the walls were full of gold -- I wish a lot of things!" she screeched to the audience, before turning her attention to Jack.

"You foolish child!" she yelled at him. "What in heaven's name are you doing with a cow inside the house?!" The joke went unnoticed by the audience.

"A warm environment might be just what Milky White needs to produce his milk," Jack defended himself.

"It's a SHE!!!" Sally screamed. "How many times must I tell you, only SHES can produce milk!" Again, the joke was unnoticed. Poor Sally.

Trowa desperately has one last attempt at reviving Quatre as the light is raised on them. Two knocks are heard. As Quatre is still lying unconscious on the stage, Trowa takes it upon himself to say his line.

"Uh, wh-" he's cut off however, as Hilde comes skipping in perkily, her red skirt and cape bouncing.

"I wish!" she sang. "It's not for me -- it's for my Granny in the Woods! A loaf of bread, pleeease. . .To bring my poor old hungry Granny in the Woods! Just a loaf of bread -- pleeeeease."

The spotlight is once again raised on Milliardo, who we see to be busy pretending to scrub the floor, a rag tied around his hair. Now's the time to notice details, folks, right in the middle of the Act I Opening, Part One! Like the group of bunched up tissues pretending to be birds floating on a fishing rod above Milliardo -- err, Cinderella's head.

"Cinderella's stepmother had a surprise for her," the Narrator said gravely.

Cinderella's stepmother (Sally again!) hovered between backstage and onstage.

"Where's the lentil pot?!" we hear her hiss angrily. "When I find out who hid my pot, there's gonna be trouble!" she warned, her voice raising slightly.

The people in the audience look back and forth at each other. There's pot here? What? They seem to be asking themselves. Why didn't we get a share? After all, we're paying guests. . . .

Someone handed Sally an ornate pot, and she strode fully onstage, hurling the pot at their fake fireplace.

"I have emptied a pot of lentils into the ashes for you," she told Milliardo haughtily. "If you have picked them out again in two hours' time, then you shall go to the Ball -- with us!" She laughed, and exited again.

The audience breathed a collective sigh of regret as they realized that the pot Sally had been talking about was the lentil pot.

Several things happen simultaneously right then. First of all, several members of the audience got up and walked out. Secondly, Little Red Riding Hood -- better known as Hilde -- asked for several sticky buns, and a few of those pies, please. Thirdly, Cinderella

-- better known as Milliardo starts singing to the birds -- better known as the tissues-on-a-string above his head to come down and help him dig through the fireplace to get the lentils so he can go dance with the Prince. Fourthly, Jack sings to Milky White to sqeeeeze pal. Finally, several audience members are so sickened at this comment that they lean over the sides of their chairs and vomit.

Finally, Sally comes slinking back on stage, this time dressed as Jack's mother.

"Listen well, son," she said to Duo. "Milky White must be taken to market."

"But Mother, no! He's the best cow!" Dup protested, pushing his acting skills to the max. (Over in the corner next to them we can see the Narrator holding a fishing pole connected to the "birds". She waves it over the fake fireplace, accidentally whacking Milliardo once or twice in the face.)

"Was. Was!" Sally yelled. "SHE'S been dry for a week! We've no food and no choice but to sell her while she can still command a price!"

"But Milky White's my best friend in the whole world!" Duo cried, but couldn't quite make it through the line, and burst out laughing half way though it. "Best friends with a cow!" he chortled. "How pathetic!"

Sally grabbed him by the neck, and spun his head towards the dinky little cardboard cow. "Look at her!" she sang. "There are bugs on her dugs! There are flies in her eyes! There's a lump on her rump big enough to be a hump!"

"But-"

"Son! We've no time to sit and dither, while her withers whither with her! And no one keeps a cow for a friend!" She paused and shook her head at him, adding, "Sometimes I fear you're touched."

Meanwhile, on the other end of the stage, Little Red Riding Hood/Hilde is stuffing candy into her mouth. As the spotlight comes up she blushes and gulps it all down. To this day, Trowa swears he could see the lump of it travel down her throat. . .and then get stuck. Hilde coughed a couple of times, and then croaked out her lines, painfully singing them around the wad of food in her throat.

"Into the woods, it's time to go, I hate to leave, I have to though. Into the woods -- it's time, and so I must begin my journey! Into the woods and through the trees to where I am expected Ma'am," she said, bobbing her head to Quatre lying on the floor. Abruptly, he woke up. Little Red continued singing, oblivious. "Into the woods to Grandmother's house!" She stuffed another bite of food into her mouth. "Imto va woodf to Gwamuffer's houfe!" she sang around the food, spitting crumbs all over Quatre -- the Baker's Wife, that is.

"Uh, you're certain of your way?" Quatre asked, no longer as scared as he was. Fainting onstage can do that to a person. After all, you can't really screw up any worse than that!

"The way is clear! The light is good! I have no fear, nor no one should! The woods are just trees. . .the trees are just wood! I sort of hate to ask it, but do you have a basket?" Little Red sang-asked, looking sheepishly at the large pile of food in her arms.

"mumble mumble," said the Baker ("Don't stray and be late.")

"And save some of those sweets for Granny!" Quatre added, smiling sunnily at the little girl.

"Into the woods and down the dell, the path is straight, I know it well. Into the woods, and who can tell what's waiting on the journey? Into the woods to bring some bread to Granny who is sick in bed! Never can tell what lies ahead, for all that I know, she's already dead!" Little Red shrugged, as she eyed the last cookie on the table hungrily. "But into the woods. . .Into the woods to Grandmother's house and home before dark!" She flashed a smile and struck a pose, faking out the Baker and his husb -- I mean wife before lunging in for the kill, snatching the cookie before running offstage.

Lights flip back over to Cindy, who is busy slapping the birds away from her face, or rather, waving goodbye to them. Suddenly, Relena and Dorothy come prancing back onstage, this time (thank God) fully clothed.

"Hurry up and do my hair Cinderella!" Relena ordered. She eyed Dorothy doubtfully. "Are you really wearing that?" she asked, smirking.

"Here, I found a little tear Cinderella," Dorothy cried, shoving her sleeve in Milliardo's face. She glanced at Relena's hair disdainfully. "Can't you hide it with a hat?"

"You look beautiful," Cinderella sang.

"I know," Relena said smugly.

"She means me!" Dorothy cried, for lack of a better word, poutfully, stamping her foot so hard it accidentally went through the stage.

Relena rolled her eyes at Dorothy's antics. "Put it in a twist," she ordered.

"Who will be there?" Dorothy asked, all smiles once again, the hole in the stage being swallowed by an even larger plot hole.

Cinderella launched herself into song about how she was supposed to be good and nice and kind, but no one loved her, all the while yanking Relena's hair back and forth.

"Tighter," Relena demanded.

Cinderella continued singing, going a little berserk in her resentment. "What's the good of being good if everyone is blind and you're always left behind -- Never mind Cinderella, kind Cinderella, Nice good nice kind good nice -"

"OW!!!!" Relena screamed, spinning and slapping Cinderella hard across the face. "Not that tight!"

"Sorry. . ."

"Clod."

Dorothy began to laugh. Relena glared at her, raising a warning fist. Dorothy got the point and stopped.

"Because the Baker had lost his mother and father in a, uh, baking accident, well, uh, at least that's what he believed -- he was eager to have a family of his own." Bryony as the Narrator paused and a malicious grin set itself upon her features. "And he was concerned that all efforts up until now had. . .failed!"

Trowa and Quatre blushed deeply, staring at the ground and shuffling until a knocking sound relieved them of their distress.

"Who might that be?" Trowa asked in relief.

"We have sold our last loaf of bread. . ." Quatre said, scratching his head in confusion.

"It's the Witch from next door," Trowa stated in a growing state of acted out anxiety.

Lady Une entered the stage, wrapped in an ugly-as-hell cloak which covered all of her features except her glasses and her huge-ass fake nose.

"We have no bread," Quatre said, cowering behind Trowa.

"Of course you have no bread!" Lady Une yelled.

"What do you wish?" Trowa asked.

"It's not what I wish," Lady Une said. "It's what you wish!" She pointed her staff at Quatre. "Nothing cooking in there now is there?!" she cackled gleefully.

Quatre stared down at himself and tried to figure out if there was any way that there could be. He decided that no indeed, there was not.

"The old enchantress went on to tell the couple that she had placed a spell on their house," the Narrator told us proudly.

"What spell?" Trowa asked.

"In the past, when you were no more than a babe, your father brought you and his young wife to this cottage. They were a handsome couple, but not handsome neighbors! You see, your mother was with child and had developed an. . .unusual appetite. She took one look at my beautiful garden, and told your father, that what she wanted, more than aaaanything in the world was. . ." she paused before she burst into a chant-like song.

"Greens, greens, and nothing but greens! Parsley, peppers, cabbages, and celery, asparagus, and watercress, and fiddleferns, and lettuce --! He said ‘All right', but it wasn't quite! ‘Cause I caught him in the autumn in my garden one night! He was robbing me! Raping me! Rooting through my rutabaga, raiding my arugula, and ripping up my rampion -- my champion, my favorite! I should have laid a spell on him right there!!!!" she screamed, and then giggled maniacally. "Could have turned him into stone. . .or a dog! Oh oh! Or a chair! Or, or, or a sssssssssssssss. . ." she froze and seemed to drift into a trance. The Baker and his wife crept forward and reached out to poke her.

The Witch spun around. "But I let him have the rampion, I'd lots to spare!" she cried, and grinned, lowering her voice and giggling gleefully. "In return however I said fair is fair -- you can let me have the baby that your wife will bear! And we'll call it square."

"I had a brother?" Trowa asked, so excited that he actually made it possible for the audience to understand what he was saying.

"NO!!!!" Lady Une cried, horrified at the idea. "But. . .you had a sister. . ."

She opened her mouth to say more, but was interrupted by the Narrator.

"But the Witch refused to tell the Baker anymore of his sister -- not even that her name was. . .Rapunzel! She went on. . . ."

"I thought I had been more than reasonable, and that we all might live happily ever a-a-a-after-" she drew the Baker and his wife closer with each stutter of the letter a. "But!" she cried, throwing them backwards again. Quatre accidentally tripped over himself, and fell to the floor, knocking himself unconscious once again. "How was I to know what your father had also hidden in his pocket? You see, when I had inherited that garden from my mother, she had warned me I would be punished if I were ever to lose any of the beans!"

"Beans?" Trowa asked, dragging Quatre's comatose body with him, as he leaned forward in an attempt to look interested.

"The special beans," the Witch replied, breaking into song once again, working herself into hysterics. "I let him go, I didn't know! he'd stolen my beans! I was watching crawl back over the wall when BANG! CRASH! THE LIGHTNING FLASHED, eh, well, that's another story, never mind, anyway. . .So the big day came, and I made my claim! ‘Oh don't take away the baby!' they shrieked and screeched, but I did, and I hid her where she'll never be reached! And your father cried, your mother died, when for extra measure -- I admit, it was a pleasure -- I said ‘Sorry! I'm still not mollified!'. . .and I laid a little spell on them."

She paused, another maniacal grin alighting on her face. "You too, son," she told him, pointing a finger at Trowa's crotch. A ZAP noise is heard and Trowa suddenly doubles over in pain, clutching, uh, himself. Quatre suddenly woke up and began to comfort him. "That your family tree would always be -- a barren one!" the witch screamed, cackling madly. She snorted a couple of times before managing to calm down.

"So," she continued finally, a few minutes later, "there's no more fuss, and there's no more scenes, and my garden thrives -- you should see my nectarines! -- but I'm telling you the same I tell Kings and Queens -- don't never ever NEVER mess around with my greens! Especially the beans!"

Ta-daa, the lights are now coming back up on Jack and his mother. Sally spins around and starts yapping at Jack. "Now listen to me, Jack," she snapped. "Lead Milky White to Market and fetch the best price you can! Take no less than five pounds. Are you listening to me?!"

"Um. . .sure," Jack replied, staring up at her in a dazed sort of way.

"Then how much are you to ask?" his mother asked, glaring at him.

"Um. . .no more than. . .five pounds!" Jack replied proudly.

"LESS THAN FIVE!" Sally screamed into his ear, letting it go to place her hand to her head in despair.

"Jack, Jack, Jack," she sang, "head in a sack! The house is getting colder! This is not a time for dreaming. . ." And so it went. Apparently, the house is falling apart, she's old, and Jack is an airhead who should be helping out more.

"So, into the woods the time is now, we have to live, I don't care how! Into the woods to sell the cow, you must begin the journey. Straight through the woods -- and don't delay! We have to face the marketplace. Into the woods to journey's end!"

"Into the woods to sell a friend. . ." Duo/Jack sighed, before starting to giggle again.

"Someday you'll have a real pet, Jack," Sally told him in a rare moment of tenderness.

"A piggy?" Jack cried hopefully. Sally slapped herself hard across the face, in the hopes of waking up to find that this whole play was nothing but a horrible nightmare. Sorry Sally, no such luck for you! (Or you either, you lucky audience!)

"Meanwhile," the Narrator/Author, Bryony interrupted. "The Witch, for purposes of her own, explained to the Baker how he might lift the spell."

"You wish to have the curse reversed? I'll need a certain potion first," the Witch growled. "Go to the Wood and bring me back. . .One -- the cow as white as milk. Two -- the cape as red as blood. Three -- the hair as yellow as corn. And four -- the slipper as pure as gold. Bring me these before the chime of midnight in three days' time, and you shall have -- I guarantee -- a child, as perfect, as child can be."

The Baker in his excitement forgot he was talking to a Witch and moved forward with open arms, ready to embrace her in happiness. "Go to the Wood!" she screamed, and another loud ZAP noise is heard as she runs offstage, and the Baker is clutching himself again. Apparently, Jack's not the only airhead in the group. While the Witch had been listing the items, he had accidentally counted five things instead of four.

"Ladies!" Sally called, waltzing in followed by Relena and Dorothy. Obviously, this time she's the Stepmother, "our carriage awaits."

"Now may I go to the Festival?" Cindy sang, shoving the pot of lentils into her Stepmother's face.

"The Festival!" Sally sang. "Darling those nails, darling those clothes! Lentils are one thing, but darling with those -- you'd make us the fools of the Festival -- and mortify the Prince!" Wufei as Cinderella's father staggers drunkenly in, presumably because he's so disgusted with himself for being somehow surrounded by these weak females. "The carriage is waiting," he muttered.

"We must be gone," her Stepmother laughed, and dragged her husband out.

"I wish. . ." Cinderella sang, her voice breaking as she began to wail and stamp about, and just generally throw a temper tantrum.

And lights up on the Baker and his wife again.

"Look what I found in my father's hunting jacket," Trowa said, holding out the jacket. Quatre examined it.

"Six beans," he replied.

"I wonder if. . ."

"They're the Witch's beans? We'll take them with us," Quatre replied.

"No! You're not coming," the Baker told his Wife firmly.

Quatre gave one of those maternal looks he does so well. "I know you're fearful of the woods at night," he reminded Trowa.

Trowa's jaw dropped as he tried to think of something to say. He burst out singing the only thing he could come up with. "The spell is on my house, only I can lift the spell, the spell is on my house. . ."

"No no, the spell is on our house, we must lift the spell together, the spell is on our house," Quatre sang a reply.

"No! You are not coming, and that is final," Trowa told him sternly. Quatre pouted, but Trowa wasn't to be turned. "Now what am I to return with?" he sighed.

"You don't remember?!" Quatre cried in dismay, realizing that if this big oaf went out there alone they were never gonna get a child. Following the Witch's tune, Quatre reiterated. "The cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold!" Trowa began repeating after Quatre, trying to memorize everything.

"And so the Baker reluctantly set out to meet the enchantress's demands," the Narrator told us. "As for Cinderella. . ."

"I still wish to go to the Festival! But how am I ever to get to the Festival?" And so on and so forth. Cinderella decides to visit her mother's grave, and then everyone sings about going into the woods to a jaunty little tune, and the Stepfamily comes rolling out in this big ol' fancy-shmancy carriage, until suddenly, the scene ends!

And the audience gives a collective sigh of relief.

Part 2 act 1