Into the Woods

The lights are still dimmed. The audience is beginning to cry that they wanna go hoooommme!!! All of the characters have just skipped offstage after singing the opening number. A scuffle is heard offstage, and suddenly a huge-ass fake tree is rolled on.

The Narrator and some weird lady in a dress are seated in the tree. The Narrator the audience understands, but that weird lady looks like she's stuck up there somehow with no route down. Several audience members take pity on her (and themselves) and get up to leave and go call the fire department to come get her down.

"Cinderella had planted a branch at the grave of her mother, and visited there so often, and wept so much, that her tears watered it until it had become a handsome tree," the Narrator informed us.

Just then Cinderella scuttled onstage, falling to her knees and sliding half way to the tree until she was kneeling beneath it.

"I've been good and I've been kind Mother, doing only what I learned from you! Why then am I left behind, Mother? Is there something more that I should do? What is wrong with me Mother? Something must be wrong. . .I wish. . ."

Suddenly a spotlight hits the woman in the tree, revealing her to be not only Cinderella's dead mother -- but Treize Khushrenada as well!

"What, child?" he asked in a feathery southern accent in a high-pitched feminine voice. "Specify. Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor, and good fortune, like bad, can befall when least expected." He said this while remembering his lost opportunity to have the leading role, and when that failed, his even better opportunity to get out of the play before it started instead of settling for a non-title part.

"I wish. . ."

Treize suddenly switched to a thick Welsh sounding accent. "Do you know what you wish? Are you certain what you wish is what you want? If you know what you want, then make a wish. Ask the tree, and you shall have your wish!"

God she sounds like some deranged nutcase high on heroine, the audience thought.

"Shiver and quiver little tree. . .Silver and gold rain down on me! I'm off to get my wish!" Milliardo cried happily as a big poofy dress, high heeled shoes, and a mask came flying down on a fishing line.

Both Cinderella and the tree exit.

Suddenly Jack walks onstage, leading his milky white cow. He mutters to his cow about how quiet it is. Suddenly, some mysterious old guy jumps out of the brush.

"Hello Jack!" he cried, surprising him.

Duo/Jack leapt around, stumbling backward, and stumbling backward. . .and stumbling backward once again! He stomped his feet a few times to regain his balance, and worked up the drama before he said his line. . . . . . ."How do you know my name?!" he cried out dramatically, striking a pose.

Now it was the Mysterious Man's turn to strike a pose. We catch a glimpse of his face for the first time and see that it's none other than. . .Wufei again! Hi Wufei! we all wave.

"When I first appear I seem mysterious, but when explained I'm nothing serious," he said proudly, sort of like he was taking one of those cub scout oaths of honor or saying the pledge of allegiance -- with his hand over his heart and everything!

Jack scratched his head. "Say that again?" he said.

A chase scene commenced, everyone bounding around the big cardboard cow.

"On your way to market Jack? You could have been there long ago. Taking your time, Jack?"

"No, sir," Jack stammered.

"Is that the truth?" the old man questioned.

"Well, uh, y'see. . .now I'm, uh -- resting!" Jack called out the first thing that popped into his head.

"How much are you asking for the animal?"

"No less than five pounds," Jack said, proud to have remembered. He rubbed his ear tenderly, remembering the pain that came with forgetting.

"Oh now Jack, why such a sum?"

"My mother told me -"

"Your mother?!?!?! A boy your age?!" Wufei cried out. "WEAKLING!!! Why, you'd be lucky to exchange her for a sack of beans!" He was referring to the cow on this last part, dear readers, not Jack's Mother -- just so you aren't confused.

"Well, I. . ." Jack trailed off, sticking an arm behind his head ruefully. For the Mysterious Man had disappeared. . .or would have anyway if he hadn't tripped over the cow on his way out. He groaned and dragged himself the rest of the way offstage.

"Come Milky White, there are spirits here!" Duo said, pretending he hadn't seen that last fiasco. And he too exited, dragging his cow along with him.

Little Red Ridinghood was skipping through the woods, when along came a spider and sat down beside her -- oh sorry, wrong story. Along came a wolf creeping up in front of her, unnoticed by the audience until he jumped up in front of her, and a big red light hit him in the face.

"Good day young lady," he said in a fakely macho, deep, manly voice. From beneath the disgustingly cheap wolf mask we can see the bottom half of Heero's face jutting out.

"Good day Mr. Wolf," Hilde replied perkily and easily sidestepped around him and continued on her way.

Until he jumped in front of her again.

"Whither away so hurriedly?" he asked.

"To my grandmother's house," Little Red replied, unfazed. She began skipping off again, but the Wolf grabbed her basket, placing a paw over her hand and opening the lid.

"And what might be in your basket?" he asked, sniffing hungrily.

"Bread and wine so Grandmother might have something good to make her strong."

Heero began to walk his paw up Hilde's arm seductively. "And, where. . .mightyourgrandmotherlive?" he asked in a single breath, now standing right beside her, stroking her neck.

Hilde twitched. "A good quarter league further in the woods -- her house stands under three large oak trees." She tugged her arm away from him, but didn't exactly skip off -- she and Mr. Wolf had a song and dance number to do first, the music to which was starting right now!

"Mmmm," the Wolf said, rubbing his thighs seductively. "Ahhhh. . ." [A/N: Okay. I know. It's sickening. But it's also the blocking. It warned you followed the script closely!]

"Look at that flesh, pink and plump -- uh, hello little girl," he sang, interrupting himself as she skipped by, eyeing her and licking his chops. "Tender and fresh, not one lump! Uh, hello little girl." Little Red skipped by again. "This one's especially lush! Delicious. . .Mmmm. . ."

The Heero Wolf ran over to Little Red and popped up in front of her again, grabbing her hands and beginning to lead her in an actual dance. The music began to have an upbeat, tango-ish feel to it.

"Hello little girl, what's your rush? You're missing all the flowers! The sun won't set for hooours! Take your tiiiime!"

"Mother said ‘Straight ahead!' -- not to delay or be misled!"

"But slow little girl! Hark and hush! The birds are singing sweetly -- you'll miss the birds completely, you're traveling so fleetly!" The Wolf gave her a little shove away, indicating that she should listen. As Little Red does, the Wolf continues to eye her hungrily. "Grandmother first, then Miss Plump! What a delectable couple! Utter perfection -- one brittle, one supple -- One moment my dear!" he called, seeing Little Red start to leave again.

"Mother said ‘Come what may, follow the path and never stray!' "

The tango music started again, and the Wolf took her in his arms again, this time just holding her there, teasing her in a. . .rather masculine way. . . "Just so little girl, any path -- so many worth exploring. Just one would be so boooring! And look what you're ignoring!" He gestured to all the pretty pâpier maché flowers, and Little Red began to nose around.

"Think of those crisp, aging bones, then something fresh on the palate. Think of that scrumptious carnalityyyy twice in one daaayyyy! There's no possible waaaayyy! To describe how you feeeel! WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR MEAL!!!" The Baker poked his head onstage, attracted by the yell. Little Red however doesn't seem to notice and goes skipping up to the Wolf.

"Mother said not to stray, but still I suppose a small delay. . .Granny might like a fresh bouquet! Goodbye Mr. Wolf!" she called cheerfully, skipping off with her basket in the same direction she came on.

"Goodbye little girl," Heero called after her, waving with a pleasant smile plastered over the visible portion of his face. "And heeeeeelllllllooooooo. . . ." He broke off and howled loudly, running off in the opposite direction -- the way to Granny's cottage.

The Baker came wandering aimlessly on, staring after the Wolf nervously. "Is harm to come to that little girl?" he muttered to himself. "In the red cape!"

Suddenly the Witch dropped out of a tree. "Forget the little girl and GET THE CAPE!!!" she yelled.

"You frightened me," Trowa said, staggering back and placing one hand over his heart -- the other protectively over his. . .you know.

"That's the caaaape," the Witch whined, pointing and jumping up and down. "Get it! Geeet iiit!"

"How am I supposed to get it?" the Baker asked accusingly.

The Witch slumped, staring at him in disbelief. "You go up to the little thing and you TAKE IT!" she said, miming it out for him in case he was too stupid to catch on.

"You can't just take a cloak from a little girl," Trowa argued. "Why don't you take it?"

Meanwhile, backstage...

"I can't go on!" Catherine cried loudly.

The stagehands rushed around her in fear. "What?" they cried. "Whaddaya' mean you can't go on? What's the matter?! You're on in like two seconds!"

"Uhhh. . ." Catherine hesitated. "Laryngitis!" she suddenly cried, lowering her voice to whisper halfway through the word. "Can't sing, heh heh. . .sorry. . ." She turned her back and walked off, giggling to herself. Now she wouldn't have to go on looking like a moron.

"Does she have an understudy???" the stagehands questioned each other frantically. As it turned out. . .no she didn't.

They spun around in circles, searching for a replacement. . . .

Onstage... "I would if I could! But I. . ." the Witch trailed off, waiting expectantly. Nothing happens.

"You want me to do what?!" we suddenly hear a not so quiet voice yelling from offstage. "All right! Fine! You don't need to yell!

"Ah-ah-ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh," we suddenly hear Duo sing in falsetto.

The Witch almost seems to turn into goo. "Ahh, my Rapunzel!" she cried blissfully. "Listen to her beauuutiful music!" she twittered as any proud parent would.

The Baker moved in and waved a cautious hand in front of her face as she began to fall into another trance. She snapped out of it. ZAP!!! we hear, and the next thing the Baker's clutching his you-know-what again.

"Get me what I need! Get me what I need!" the Witch yelled, and ran off.

"This is ridiculous," Trowa sighed, staring after her, and absentmindedly rubbing his sore spot. "I'll never get that cape, or find a golden cow or a yellow slipper -- or was it a golden slipper and yellow cow? Oh no. . . ."

Quatre slowly snuck onstage. "The cow as white as milk," he sang tentatively. "The cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as -"

"What are you doing here?" Trowa interrupted.

"Um. . ." Quatre thought quickly and rushed forward. "You forgot your scarf!" he cried, wrapping a great big multicolored affair around Trowa's neck.

"You have no business being alone in the woods," Trowa reprimanded, peeling his scarf off. "You have no idea what I've come upon here. You would be frightened for your life! Now go home immediately."

"I wish to help," Quatre pouted.

"No! The spell is on my house-"

"Our house."

"Only I can lift the spell, the spell is on my house!"

"We must lift the spell together! The spell is on-" (s)he cut herself off, and placed a hand of Trowa's mouth before he could protest again, pointing his head in the general direction of stage left.

Duo came strolling onstage, dragging his cow behind him.

"A cow as white as. . ."

"Milk!" Trowa finished.

Quatre pushed Trowa forward. He stumbled over to Duo and rubbed his chin nervously, unsure of how to begin.

"Hello there, young man," he said, deciding to go in the small talk direction.

"Hello, sir," Duo replied.

"What might you be doing in the middle of the forest. . .and with a cow?"

"Well, I was heading toward the market, but I guess I was reading my map upside down or somethin', ‘cause I seem to have lost my way," Duo/Jack replied.

Trowa shot a nervous glance over at Quatre, who rolled his eyes.

"And what were you planning to do there?" Quatre prompted in a stage-whisper, just quietly enough so that Duo ‘couldn't hear'.

"And what're you planning to do there?" Trowa repeated.

"Sell my cow, sir. No less than five pounds." Jack rubbed his ear again.

"Five pounds!" Trowa exclaimed loudly. The audience jumped. Trowa spun around to his wife. "Where am I to get five pounds?!"

Quatre shoved his way in front of Trowa, shooing him out of the way and taking over. "She, uh, must be generous of milk to fetch five pounds."

"Uh, suuure!" Duo agreed, nodding his head vigorously, and grinning.

"And, uh. . .what if you can't fetch that sum? Then what are you to do?"

"I hadn't thought of that," Jack replied, scratching his head and gazing off into space. "I suppose then my mother and I will have no food to eat."

Trowa nudged Quatre in the ribs after digging through all of his pockets. "This is the sum total," he whispered.

"Beans. . ." Quatre sighed, the little wheels in his mind turning. He snapped his fingers suddenly. "Beans! We mustn't give up out beans!. . .Oh, well, if you feel we must!" he called, emphasizing each word so Duo could clearly understand them.

"Huh?" the Baker asked as his wife speedily spun back around, shoving the beans in Duo's face.

"Beans will bring you food, son!" (s)he said, with just a liiittle bit too much energy and cheer in his voice.

"Beans? In exchange for my cow?" Jack asked warily, petting Milky White protectively. Not even he was that stupid.

"Oh, uh. . .these are no ordinary beans, son!" Quatre said. "These beans are, um, uh, uh. . .magic!" he cried.

"Magic?" Duo asked, his interest sparked. Maybe he was that stupid after all. "What kind of magic?"

"Umm. . ." Quatre turned, thrusting the beans back into the Baker's hand. "Tell him," he said simply.

Trowa stared at the beans in his hand. "Magic that. . .defies description," he said slowly.

"My mother would -" A mysterious echo of the Mysterious Man echoed around the forest.

"You'd be luck to exchange her for a sack of beans!"

"How many beans?" Duo asked decisively.

"Six -"

"Five!" the Baker's Wife interrupted. "We can't part with all of them. We must leave one for ourselves. . . .Besides, I'd say these beans are worth a pound each at the very least."

"Could I buy my cow back someday?" Duo asked hopefully, snorting as he said it.

"Well. . .possibly," the Baker said unsurely, thinking of what the Witch might have in store for it. Trowa counted out the five beans into Duo's eagerly waiting hand.

Duo sat down next to Milky White's head and began to sing. "I guess this is goodbye, old pal -- you've been a perfect friend. I hate to see us part, old pal -- someday I'll buy you back! I'll see you soon again. I hope that when I do. . .it won't be. . .on a. . .plate!" Jack ran offstage, overcome with an emotion that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

Trowa turned to Quatre angrily. "Take the cow and go home," he ordered.

"I was trying to be helpful," Quatre defended himself.

"Magic beans! We've no reason to believe they're magic. Are we to dispel this curse through deceit?"

"No one would have given him more for that creature. . .We did him a favor. At least. . .now they'll have some food?" Quatre squeaked.

"Five beans!" Trowa snapped angrily, turning around.

Quatre sighed and wrapped his arms around the back of Trowa's neck manipulatively. "If you know what you want, then you go, and you find it, and you get it!" he sang softly.

Trowa pointed off to the right. "Home," he stated.

"Do we want a child or not?" Quatre asked, getting a little annoyed. "And you give, and you take, and you bid, and you bargain, or you live to regret it!"

"Will you please go home?" Trowa pleaded.

"There are rights and wrongs and in-betweens! No one waits when fortune intervenes! And maybe they're really magic -- who knows? Why, you do what you do, that's the point, all the rest of it is clatter!"

Trowa disentangled himself from Quatre's arms and went to Milky White. "Look at her, she's crying."

"If the thing you do is pure in intent, if it's just a little bent, does it matter?"

"Yes!"

"No! What matters is that everyone tells tiny lies, what's important really is the size!" Quatre paused, hoping for a response. Getting none, he hurried on with his song. "Only three more tries and we'll have our prize, and when the end's in sight you'll realize! If the end is right -- it justifies the beans!"

"HA!!!" Wufei's triumphant yet disdainful voice could be heard echoing from offstage.

Trowa ignored it. "Take the cow and go home," he repeated once again. "I will carry this out in my own fashion."

Quatre pouted again and took the cow, slowly walking offstage. Trowa turned and exited in the opposite direction.

Meanwhile, backstage... "Catherine!" one of the poor stagehands called. "You're on!"

Catherine poked her head out of her dressing room, catching sight of her tower. Her eye began to do the same conga line dance that Bryony's had done before the show. "Uh, I've still got laryngitis!" she cried weakly, ducking back into her dressing room and slamming the door.

The stagehand stared at the big gold-painted star on the door and back towards the tower. "She's in the circus!" he muttered. "It just doesn't make sense. . . ."

Onstage...

"WHAT?!?!? AGAIN?!?!?" We hear Duo's cry. Followed soon after by, "YOU WANNA DO WHAT TO MY HAIR???!!!"

"Err -- and so the Baker continued his search for the cape as red as blood," the Narrator called, desperately trying to raise her voice loud enough to overcome the shouting from offstage. "As for Rapunzel, the Witch was careful not to lose this beauty to the outside world, and so shut her within a doorless tower. And when the OLD ENCHANTRESS PAID A VISIT!!!" she yelled, glaring pointedly offstage, "She called forth. . ."

A tower is rolled onstage. We see Duo sitting in the little window with his hair bleached to a pale blond. He's singing those strange ‘Ah-ah-ahh' notes, and stroking his hair lovingly. The Witch came hobbling onstage.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel!" she called up lovingly. "Let down your hair to me!"

No response.

"Rapunzeeeelll!" she called again, a little more annoyed this time.

No response.

"RAPUNZEL!!!!" the Witch screamed, slamming her staff into the tower's base.

"Ahh!" Rapunzel/Duo shrieked, and started to lower her hair over the edge of her tower. The Witch grabbed onto it and began her climb. "Owww!" Rapunzel cried. "Careful! That huuuurts!"

Suddenly the spotlight moves from the Witch and Rapunzel to a little way over to the center of the stage. A handsomely dressed prince steps out of the shadows. The light hits his face and we can see immediately that it's Treize again, fortunately, this time not in a dress.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel," he mused. "What a strange name! Strange, but beautiful. . .and fit for a Prince! Tomorrow, before that horrible Witch arrives, I will stand before her window and ask her to let down her hair. . .to me." And with those words, he strode offstage, making a huge effort to look macho and regal.

The Baker and Little Red Ridinghood enter from opposite directions.

"Hello there little girl," Trowa said.

"Hello," Little Red answered cheerily.

Trowa stared at her cloak intently, trying to work up the nerve to take it. Again, he decided on the small-talk routine. "Have you saved some of those sweets for Granny?" he asked. Unfortunately for him, his wife was no longer there to bail him out.

"I ate all the sweets," Hilde replied sheepishly. ". . .And half the loaf of bread."

"Oh. . .uh, where did you get that beautiful cape? I so, uh, admire it."

"My granny made it for me," Little Red said proudly, doing a little twirl to show it off.

"Is that right?" the Baker asked, pretending to seem interested. "I would love a red cloak like that."

"You'd look pretty foolish," Hilde replied with a snort.

The Baker placed a hand on her cape. "May I take a look at it?" he asked hopefully, screwing up his courage, and whipping it off.

"I don't like to be without my cape!" Little Red screamed. "Give it back!"

"I want it badly!"

"Give it BACK!"

"Forget the little girl and get the cape!!!" the Witch's voice suddenly screamed from out of nowhere.

The Baker turned and ran, the cloak flapping behind him. Little Red stared after him a moment in disbelief.

She turned and faced the audience, her breath slowly working up to hyperventilation level before she let out a bloodcurdling scream. Which stretched on. . .and on. . .and on.

The Baker raced back onstage from the other side, somehow managing to have run all the way around without being seen. He staggered over to her, slapping the cape back on her shoulders. "I just. . .wanted. . .to make sure. . .you really. . .loved. . .this cape," he heaved before collapsing to regain regular oxygen intake. "Now. . .you go to your granny's. . .and you. . .be careful. . .that no wolf. . .comes your way," he gasped, realizing he had to finish his line.

"I'd rather a wolf than you any day!" Little Red shouted and kneed him where other unfortunate. . .injuries had previously taken place.

"Urrrgh," Trowa groaned and watched as Little Red skipped merrily offstage. Then, God knows why, he began to sing again, repeating his wife's words to himself. "If you know what you need, then you go, and you find it, and you get it -- do I want a child or not?" he asked himself, sitting up, feeling a little stronger.

"It's a cloak! What's a cloak? It's a joke -- it's a stupid little cloak! And a cloak is what you make it. So. . .you take it." Convincing himself, and with new resolution, the Baker stood up. "Things are only what you need them for -- what's important is who needs them more!" He walked offstage after Little Red Ridinghood.

"And so the Baker, with newfound determination, went after the red cape," The Narrator Bryony tells us, strolling onstage. "As for the little girl, she was surprised to find her grandmother's cottage door standing wiiiiiiide open." She gestured to the "cottage" which has been rolled onstage while she was talking.

Little Red skipped onstage. "Oh dear," she said perkily to herself. "How uneasy I feel!" She scratched her head with a big, stupid grin on her face. "Perhaps it's all the sweets." She walked inside the cottage and we can now miraculously see inside it, to the bed, complete with the wolf in it, sitting just inside the door.

"Good day Grandmother," Little Red said, taking a few steps toward the bed. "My, Grandmother, you're looking very strange. What big ears you have!"

The Heero Wolf, in a little old lady falsetto replied, "The better to hear you with, my dear!"

Little Red took another step closer. "My Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"

"The better to see you with my dear!"

Another step closer. "But Grandmother, what big hands you have!"

"The better to hug you with, my dear!"

"Oh Grandmother, what a big wet terrible mouth you have!"

"THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH, MY DEAR!" Heero roared, suddenly switching to his deep, masculine wolf voice. Little Red screamed as Heero ate her.

"And scarcely had the wolf said this," Bryony informed us, "than with a single bound, he was devouring the little girl. Well, it was a full day of eating for both." The stagehands opened a bottle of canned laughter offstage. "And with his appetite appeased, the wolf took to bed for a nice, long nap."

Heero began to make loud snoring noises.

The Baker comes wandering onstage again, listening to the Wolf snore. "That grandmother has a mighty snore," he chuckled to himself. He peeked inside the window of the house. "Odd," he muttered. "Where's the little girl? Eating no doubt," he snorted, and turned away, shaking his head ruefully, when suddenly from inside the cottage came a tremendous belch.

Or it would have done if Heero could burp on cue.

Having no other choice in the silence that ensued, the Baker took a tentative step away from the cottage. Then another.

Seeing she had no other choice, our brave Narrator took a deep breath and swallowed it. Then, she opened her mouth, waiting. . .

And out came that burp the Baker was waiting for.

Shooting her a disgusted look, he turned back.

"Or eaten!" he cried, and went trotting into the cottage also.

He timidly crept over to the bed, and reached into his pocket for a knife. An ill look passed over his face as he saw the Wolf's bloated belly. "Grandmother ha!" he cried. "What's this piece of red cloth in the corner of your mouth? I'll get the cape from within your stomach!" he cried triumphantly, and sliced the Wolf's belly open, then fell back in disgust.

Little Red, who had been carefully concealed under the bed, took the opportunity to come popping out and jumping up, as though ascending out of the muck of the Wolf's stomach.

"What a fright!" she said in disgust. "How dark and dank it was inside that Wolf!"

Suddenly, Quatre emerged from the Wolf as well, this time dressed up as the Granny in a lovely pink nightgown.

"You're the Granny too?" Trowa asked him so the audience couldn't hear.

Quatre nodded vaguely, muttering something about tight casting. Then, he took it upon himself to begin his role.

He lunged at the Wolf's neck and began to throttle the creature, shaking him back and forth. "KILL HIM!" he screamed as he strangled. "KILL THE DEVIL! Take that knife and CUT HIS EVIL HEAD OFF! Let's see the demon SLICED INTO A THOUSAND BITS! Better yet," and he paused here, so he could pointedly scream his next words into the Wolf's face. "Let the animal a PAINFUL, AGONIZING HIIIIIDEEEEOUS DEATH!"

"Granny!" Little Red said in surprise, grinning from ear to ear.

"Quiet child," Quatre snapped. "This is an evil that needs to be destroyed!" He gasped suddenly as an idea popped into his head. "Fetch me some great stones from the forest!" he laughed. "We'll fill his belly with them and watch him try to run away!" he giggled.

The Baker blinked. "Well, uh, I'll leave you to your task," he said faintly, on the verge of vomiting. He started to leave.

Quatre chased after him "Wait!" he called. "Don't you want the skins???"

"No! No, you keep them. Really," Trowa said, beginning to turn away, his face a lovely shade of green.

"What kind of a hunter are you?" Quatre asked disdainfully, grabbing Trowa's ear and yanking him offstage.

"I'm a Baker!" Trowa called pitifully as he was dragged away.

The lights raised up on Little Red Ridinghood as she skipped around, scooping up rocks and stuff to stick inside the Wolf's stomach. And before you know it, she's singing!

"Mother said ‘Straight ahead' -- not to delay or be misled. I should have heeded her advice. . .but he seemed so nice. And he showed me things, many beautiful things that I hadn't thought to explore. They were off my path so I never had dared -- I had been so careful I never had cared. And he made me feel excited -- well, excited and scared. . ."

She skipped around a little, thinking to herself, trying to understand what she was trying to say. "When he said ‘Come in' with that sickening grin, how could I know what was in store? Once his teeth were bared though, I really got scared -- well excited and scared -- but he drew me close, and he swallowed me down, down a dark slimy path where lie secrets that I never want to know! And when everything familiar seemed to disappear forever, at the end of the path was Granny once again! So we wait in the dark, until someone sets us free, and we're brought into the light, and we're back at the start. . ."

The grim tone her song had taken suddenly switched back over to cheery. "And I know things now, many valuable things, that I hadn't known before! Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood -- they will not protect you the way that they should -- and take extra care with strangers, even flowers have their dangers, and though scary is exciting -- nice is different than good." She took another little skip around before starting up again.

"Now I know, don't be scared -- Granny is right, just be prepared! Isn't it nice to know a lot. . . . . .and a little bit. . .not. . ." She trailed off as she saw the Baker crossing onto the stage again, apparently having escaped the clutches of her Granny.

"Mr. Baker!" she called, running up to him. "You saved our lives! Here." She handed him her cape.

"Are -- are you certain?" the Baker asked, so excited he could hardly keep from jumping up and down.

"Yep! Maybe Granny will make me a new one with the skins of the Wolf!" she said excitedly, smiling delightedly at the thought.

"Thank you!" the Baker cried, and gave her a kiss on the cheek before exiting.

"Yuck!" Hilde exclaimed, wiping her cheek and running offstage in disgust.

"And so the Baker, with the second article in hand, feeling braver and more satisfied than he had ever felt, ran back through the woods. As for the lad Jack. . ."

Jack's mother (a.k.a. Sally) came walking quickly onstage, angrily dragging Jack behind her by the ear.

"Only a dolt would exchange a cow for beans!" she yelled, and hurled them to the ground.

"Mother no -" Jack cried, but too late.

"To be without supper for you!" Sally told him angrily, marching offstage still holding his ear.

"Little did they know that those beans would grow into an enormous stalk that would stretch into the heavens."

Along a different route Trowa's wife came onstage, dragging the cow behind her. Suddenly, a masked Cinderella came dashing on from the opposite direction. She takes a flying leap, and comes crashing down heavily to the ground, where she lies with the wind knocked out of her.

"Are you all right, miss?" Quatre asked.

"Yes, I just need to catch my breath," Milliardo-now-Zechs panted.

"What a beautiful gown you're wearing. Were you at the King's Festival?" Quatre asked.

"Yes. . ." Cinderella sighed, and glanced around her nervously.

"Aren't you the lucky one! Why ever are you in the woods at this hour?"

"Shh!" Zechs suddenly whispered, and ducked behind a conveniently placed bush. Unfortunately, this cover wasn't the best in the world, and his head stuck over the top and his big poofy dress from either side.

Heero suddenly came bounding onstage in his version of a manly run, followed closely by Noin dressed as his Steward. They glance about a few moments before noticing Quatre, who has fallen to the ground to show respect to the royalty.

"Have you seen a beautiful young maiden in a ballgown pass through?" Heero asked in his version of a manly voice.

"I don't think so, sir," Quatre replied.

"I think I see her over there!" Noin cried, pointing off into the distance. They both head off, but just before exiting the Prince stops, glancing back at Quatre, still sprawled on the ground. Heero twisted the teensiest bit, craning his neck to check out Quatre's butt before nodding to himself in approval and continuing offstage.

As the two disappear, Quatre sits back up slowly. "I've never lied to royalty before," he said in awe. "I've never. . .anything. . .to royalty before!"

"Thank you," Zechs breathed in relief, plopping down on a stump.

"If a Prince were looking for me, I certainly wouldn't hide," Quatre commented, plopping down beside Cinderella.

"Well what brings you here?" (s)he countered. "And with a cow?"

"Oh, my husband's somewhere in the woods. He's undoing a spell," Quatre replied airily.

"Oh?" Cinderella asked in interest.

"Oh yes. Now the Prince -- what was he like?"

"He's a very nice Prince. . ."

"And. . .?" Quatre prodded.

"And. . .It's a very nice Ball."

"And. . .?"

"And. . .When I entered they trumpeted."

"And the Prince?"

"Oh the Prince. . ."

"Yes the Prince!"

"Well, he's tall."

"Is that all? Did you dance? Is he charming -- they say that he's charming."

"We did nothing but dance!"

"Yes? And?"

"And. . .it. . .made a nice change!"

"No the Prince!"

"Oh the Prince. . ."

"Yes the Prince!"

"He has charm for a Prince I guess. . ."

"Guess?"

"I don't meet a wide range," Cinderella explained. "And it's all very strange. . ."

"Are you to return to the Festival tomorrow eve?"

"Perhaps. . ." Cinderella replied unsurely.

"Perhaps?! Ohhh. . .to be pursued by a Prince!" Quatre sighed longingly. "All that pursues me is tomorrow's bread. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes." Zechs shifted his/her dress and exposed his/her feet as (s)he looked over in the distance, an odd look on his/her face.

"Will you look over there!" (s)he said in surprise. "An enormous vine growing next to that little cottage!"

Quatre caught sight of Cinderella's shoes, not paying any attention to what she was saying about the vine. ". . .I mean slippers. . ." she trailed off.

"It looks like a giant beanstalk rising into the sky!"

". . .As pure as gold?!" Quatre exclaimed in excitement.

"I must get home!" Cinderella said and began to exit.

"Wait!" Quatre cried. "I need your shoes!" She starts after Cinderella, but suddenly the Narrator is walking onstage and picking up Milky White. Quatre catches sight of Milky White leaving, apparently unable to see the Narrator for the moment.

"Hey!" Quatre called after Cinderella. "Come back here!" he called after Milky White. Finally, he took off after the cow, racing offstage.

Wow, two songs right on top of each other. Get ready, here comes the music! We hear the chimes of midnight, and suddenly the Baker comes trotting onstage

"One midnight gone. . ." he commented dismally before exiting.

"No knot unties itself," the Mysterious Man said, walking on and off, just as all the rest of these characters will do.

"Sometimes the things you most wish for, are not to be touched," the Witch muttered.

The two Princes strode onstage together. "The harder to get the better to have," they said unison

. "Agreed?" asked Heero.

"Agreed," Treize replied. And they strode off.

"Never wear mauve to a ball," Relena pouted.

"Or pink!" Dorothy huffed, stamping her foot.

"Or open your mouth," Sally said pointedly, pushing her two daughters offstage in front of her.

"The difference between a cow and a bean is a bean can begin an adventure!" Jack cried in his screw loose, airheaded way.

Sally came hopping onstage again, trying to yank on the rest of her Jack's Mother costume. "Slotted spoons don't hold much soup. . ." she muttered before hopping off again, still working on her shoe.

"The prettier the flower the farther from the path!" Little Red tells us perkily.

"The closer to the family, the closer to the wine. . ." Wufei slurred, taking a swig from his wine bottle. His wife, still half dressed as Jack's Mother came half running half tripping onstage only to shove him off and steal his wine bottle for a swig herself.

"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhh," we hear Duo's Rapunzel voice from offstage.

"One midnight gone!" Lady Une cackled, appearing again.

"The mouth of the Wolf's not the end of the world!" Quatre laughed suddenly in his pink nightgown get up again.

"A servant is not just a dog to a Prince," Noin said haughtily.

"Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor," Cinderella sighed.

"You may know what you need, but to get what you want, better see that you keep what you have. . ." Quatre groaned, dressed this time in his more usual Baker's Wife dress.

Suddenly, each of the characters reappears onstage, each of them saying their line simultaneously before starting the chorus to "Into the Woods" again.

"And home before-" they cut themselves off, running off as the lights dim for the next song.

To Be Continued in Act I, Scene iii. . .And again, sorry it sucked!