Authors notes: This story is really important to me so there's just some things I wanna say before you go off reading it. It's strictly from Tomoyo's point of view and there's not much dialogue so you might find it boring.. ^^;; But this is the only way I could think of to express my real feelings for someone so hopefully she'll realize that.. It's my way of dealing and hopefully letting go of something that's been going on in my life for a while so even if you don't like it this story actually has a purpose.. ^^ And Tomoyo's ultra kawaii and I like writing about her..
As I sit in class I think of her. I've always thought only of her, my Sakura-chan. No, that's wrong, she's not mine though I wish it more than anything else in this world. She is everything to me and I only wish I could be more than a friend to her. I kept my promise and finally told her of my true feelings for her. I thought maybe she was old enough to understand them now.
She does to some extent. At the most she accepts how I feel towards her but she couldn't possibly understand how deep my love for her is. She is still too naive to understand. I can only ask that one day she understand how much I love her. She is the reason I believe in love, yet at the same time she is the reason I shall give up on love.
I let out a soft sigh as I realize I'm still in class. It's so easy to get caught up in my thoughts of her. They fill me completly and take me to another world sometimes it seems. I finally gave up hope of having her as my own or her loving me in the same way that I love her. We had our short time together. I think she might have even tried to love me back though I'm not sure why. Maybe she only wanted to make me happy as her friend. I only miss the simple things such as holding her hand. Now I'm too scared to even touch her in fear that I'll feel too much and die.
Finally the bell rings and I rush to meet her outside of her class. I wonder if she ever thinks it's weird that I try so hard to see her after each class. Then I see him, and my heart sinks. I could never compete with Syaoran. Not that it's a competition for her love. I can't have her so I put on a smile and wish the two of them luck if she decides that she does want to be with him. I know now they are just friends but I feel that something more is coming of it as each day passes. And he is my friend too I suppose, so in a way I feel silly for being so jealous but nothing can stop the pang of hurt I feel in my heart when I see the two of them together. She looks at him much in the same way she used to look at me. Those intense eyes of hers that always melt me.
When she greets me I simply say "Hi," back almost breathlessly at the sight of her radiant smile. I walk with the two of them in silence watching the way they talk. Does she not notice that there's more to his simple touches and hugs than meets the eye? I guess she doesn't...
We reach her next class and I smile and say goodbye, leaving the two of them to talk. As soon she's out of sight the smile I put on for her fades and I clutch my chest holding back tears. I promised myself I wouldn't cry over her anymore, that I have to be strong for her always. Even when she's not around.
I find it easier now to make it through the days at least. I've come to accept my destiny is the same that my moms is. I was meant to be lonely and to love her from a distance. At least this way I can always protect her. One thing I vow is to not let anything hurt her as long as I shall live. Someone will win her heart, wether it is Syaoran or some other man. But I'm happy enough just being her friend and loving her in my own way.
When the day comes to an end I walk Sakura home as I do most days. The silence becomes too much for me and I find myself asking her if she likes Syaoran as I suspect she does. I didn't really want to know the answer, unsure if I could handle it if her answer was yes. "I don't know," she says softly blushing a little. My Sakura-chan's always so cute when she blushes like that. Inwardly I kick myself for still thinking of her as my Sakura. I know she's not yet I like to live in the dream where she is.
I feel my hand brush against hers and I pull away quickly. I can't get over how easily the simplest touches melt me. She's definatly got a hold of me. "I think he really likes you," I say back trying to sound happy. "I think you would be a cute couple," my heart breaks as I say the words. I remind myself once again that I need to make her happy no matter the hurt it causes me.
She smiles and blushes more at the thought of being with Syaoran. He was once her enemy but now he's one of her closest friends. I notice a sad expression come across her face and I look at her questioning the change in her expression. "What's wrong Sakura-chan?"
"It's just, I haven't forgotten how you feel about me Tomoyo-chan and I don't want to hurt you by being with him." I smile again and assure her that it wouldn't hurt me.
"I like seeing you happy Sakura-chan," I say happily wondering how long I can go on like this. She hugs me briefly saying she's happy that we can still be friends even though there's so much between us. "I think if you like him you shouldn't worry about me. Your bound to like someone eventually Sakura-chan and if it's him than I'll be happy knowing your happy."
It's the half truth I tell myself. There is nothing I want more than to see her happy be it with me or with someone else. It's all I've wished for all this time because I could never be so selfish as to ask God to make her mine. The silence once again envelops us but this time I dare not speak in fear that I'll give too much away. We finally reach her house and I say my goodbyes. "You don't want to come in?" she smiles softly at me. That smile I'd die a thousand deaths just to see.
"Do you want me to stay for a while? I don't want to be a bother or anything."
"You should know by now your not a bother Tomoyo-chan. Your my best friend and I want you around me."
I nod and go inside with her. As soon as we step inside the house she asks me why I've been so quiet all day. "Just tired I suppose," another half truth. I haven't been sleeping well lately scared of the dreams I have. Well not exactly the dreams I have but more so waking up from them and facing my harsh reality. She steps closer to me and looks into my eyes to see if I'm telling the truth. I notice how good she smells though I'm not sure if its her hair, the smell of her skin or just some perfume she has on. I smiles as best as I can and start laughing a little feeling silly.
My laugh tricks her into thinking I am okay as she doesn't realize its just a nervous laugh hoping she doesn't notice my true feelings. I always laugh when people look so seriously at me, especially people with such intense and beautiful eyes. She turns away and leads me to the living room where we sit down to watch tv. We sit so close on the couch it drives me almost out of my mind. Sometimes I find it so hard to resist my urges to take her into my arms and confess everything to her and tell her how I can't live without her. But I know she'll only say I'm not without her, as I will always have her as my friend. Instead I settle for watching her as she watches the tv.
Everyonce in a while I think she notices my gaze upon her and she turns to look at me. Sometimes I can turn towards the tv in time, others I just smile sheepishly and get embarassed for being caught. This is surely the sweetest punishment I could ever have to suffer. She is like an angel to me and I am just her servant sent to make her happy and give her anything she could ever possibly need.
My mind screams out to me to tell her that I love her but I know I can't. I'm supposed to be getting over her after all. I start laughing once more as I realize how caught up in my thoughts I can get sometimes and she looks at me curiously. "Gomen," I say for laughing out of no where.
"Don't be sorry," she tells me. "It's nice to see you laughing again."
I feel myself starting to blush at that and hope that she doesn't notice. I just nod and start watching the tv as intently as I can trying to focus on something other than her for a little bit. From then on time seems to pass quickly and before I know it I have to go home.
I stand up to leave reluctantly and she follows me to the door to say goodbye. I smile at her one last time and head on my way home. As I walk I find myself wondering what exactly this hold she has on me is, and why I can never get her off my mind. I know I should let go of my feelings for her but how can something so strong just go away? I'm not strong enough to will it away.
As I think more about it I realize I don't really want it to go away because she's Sakura. I was meant to love her just as my mom was meant to love Nadeshiko-san. Its a cycle that just can't be broken. Or else I'm just to weak to break it.
I walk in the house and see my mom standing in the hallway. She doesn't say anything but I know she recognizes the pain in my sad expression. She walks up to me and hugs me and assures me that things will get better one day. I don't believe her but I smile anyways. I'm sick of smiling for everyone else so I go hide in my room where I don't have to pretend to be happy for anyone.
When I sit down at my desk I pick up a picture of me and Sakura and run my fingers over her face. "I love you," I whisper to the picture and set it back down. My thoughts return to her and Syaoran knowing that one day I'll have to face her being with another. I'll have to smile for her, I tell myself. I can always smile, but how does one ignore the pain in their heart when they see the one they love with another?
"Tommorow," I tell myself. "I'll let go of her tommorow." I sigh and let out a soft laugh realizing just how impossible that is. That I've been telling myself that for years now. Maybe if you tell yourself something enough times it might actually happen one day.
I look over at my clock and notice it's only eight. It's still early and it's a friday night. I'm in high school now so doesn't that mean I should be out having fun with my friends? Or am I meant to sit at home and be depressed over her my entire life? I should talk to my mom about it one day but I don't have the strength right now.
Instead I put on a videotape of her from when we were little. No matter how sad I am those have always made smile, but this time I cry. I try my best not to, telling myself that Sakura wouldn't want me to cry over her but it's pointless. So I lay there and cry myself to sleep on the couch with thoughs of her being with another in my mind. She's happy at least... How could I ever ask for more?