a funny thing happened on the way to the negaverse ...

I put this together to pass the time. I admit it. Have mercy. Sailor Moon doesn't even appear in it; at least, not much. Anyway, this takes place inside (to some degree) normal Sailor Moon continuity, between the end of Jadeite's attacks and Nephrite's first attack.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to the Negaverse
(c)1999 Lord Malachite

Nephrite stepped into the shadowed bed room of Malachite's melancholy Negaverse castle, slammed the previously-bolted heavy stone door behind him, and stood inside, breathing heavily, and barred the door with his not unimpressive bulk.

"I," announced Nephrite, "am being stalked by a schizophrenic homicidal Russian cleaning lady / part-time nun." He was met only with the astonished stares of Malachite and Zoisite, who were doing something interesting on the bed.

"What," Malachite began, cool as ever, "are you doing here?" Zoisite made an unsuccessful bid to do something about the covers, all the while promising himself that he would somehow make Nephrite pay for this indignity.

"I told you. I'm being stalked." Nephrite finished panting and slid down against the door.

"Could you possibly do it someplace else," said Malachite. "I'm... busy. Come back later and I'll see if I can find time in my schedule to kill you."

"Sorry. This is the most well-protected room in the Negaverse. I need to stay."

Malachite sighed. He had really been enjoying that last bit... He stood up and conjured clothed for Zoisite and himself, and walked over to where Nephrite was sitting. Mal put a hand on his shoulder and helped him get up.

"Now, now, Neffy. There's nothing to be afraid of." Malachite opened the door very slowly, and patted Nephrite reassuringly. Nephrite's pupils dilated. He shuddered violently. "See," said Mal, "Nothing out there. NOW GET!" He threw Nephrite into the hall, where he landed in a heap. Malachite turned around and slammed the door behind him. Nephrite just quivered. At that point the little green men came back.

* * *

The week before, everything had been going fine. Nephrite was in the Earth Realm. He was shopping for a house. Now, house shopping wasn't something that Negaverse Generals ordinarily did, but Nephrite wasn't your ordinary Negaverse General. He was a pedophile.

"I am not a pedophile," broke in Nephrite. Sorry. Nephrite had... um... interesting tastes in women. And, as I was saying, he was shopping for a house. You see, it had just occurred to him that there weren't any women in the Negaverse under the age of 900. That was, needless to say, something of a damper on amorous intentions for someone like Nephrite. And so he was setting up an identity as a human, in hopes of increasing his chances of romantic success. He already had a few things thought out. He had picked out a name that, to him, sounded nicely inconspicuous. Nephrite, unfortunately, had spent most of his time in the Earth Realm among wealthy British aristocrats, and so ended up being known to the world as Maxfield Stanton.

It is interesting to note that Maxfield Stanton spent all of his remaining time skulking around elementary schools in a red Ferrari, making inappropriate comments to the female students.

It was near the end of such a day that Nephrite was house shopping. Now, as you may know, the best house shopping is done early in the morning, when anyone sensible would be in bed, and the realtors, (who are nocturnal), are easy prey for an alert shopper. Given Nephrite's poor choice of shopping hours, he was tricked by his realtor, a cunning woman by the name of Mrs. Susan Weist, into buying the single most dilapidated piece of property in the greater Tokyo area for over six times it's actual value.

The property that Nephrite eventually purchased was a dingy old mansion on top of a hill that was perpetually shrouded in fog. The Widow Amagochi-tay (please note my clever use of pig-latin) had moved out over sixty years earlier, and the house had been left unsold since then. This was, needless to say, Mrs. Weist's greatest sale ever. But that's besides the point, the nature of which is becoming less and less clear with each passing second. The house itself had never been painted. The basement flooded, the tubs leaked, the so-called "Cathedral Room" was entirely covered in a purple grime of indeterminate origin, and the building itself was completely infested with roaches. On the back wall, an adventurous gang had painted in 50-foot tall letters, "La casa del burro," by which name it shall be known henceforth in this story. Why Japanese street punks had painted in Spanish, I can't say. Ask your mother.

After making this astounding purchase, Nephrite stepped inside la casa del burro and inhaled deeply. Several seconds later he was retching violently in a corner.

"Damn. Maybe I should have looked inside the place before I bought it. The realtor's hideous cackle at least should have tipped me off. Gaah."

Nephrite went outside to think. Nephrite always went outside to think. Otherwise, the smoke rising from his head made him cough, and more often than not the Monsters of the Day complained. It had become something of a habit. So he went outside, sat down in a mud puddle, and thought, in the process setting several trees on fire. After several mist-soaked minutes, Nephrite got an idea. "I'll hire a cleaning lady. After all, Maxfield Stanton is phenomenally rich." Turning his back on la casa del burro, Nephrite set off to find a cleaning service.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Throne Room of the Terrible Queen Beryl, Jadeite was bored. Jadeite was very bored. Jadeite was bored primarily because he couldn't move a muscle. He had been in Eternal Sleep for just over a week and a half now and already he was bored. He had thought Eternal Sleep would be more like, well, sleep, and less like having your eyeballs glued open while you were paralyzed.

* * *

In the front of the Throne Room, Beryl was bored also. She had frozen Jadeite, promoted Nephrite, and played three hundred and sixty-two consecutive games of Centipede. She had lost every one. She would have to do something to liven up the place.

A shrill voice rang out in the Throne Room. "Jadeite! Report!"

A few minutes passed.

"Jadeite! Report!" Still nothing. "Oh, that's right. I put him in Eternal Sleep." Beryl sighed and loaded up another game of Centipede on her crystal ball. She died fourteen seconds into it.

"This is ridiculous! How can I die before the title graphic even disappears?!? I'm going to have to get an easier game. Jadeite! Report!"

Jadeite sat silently at his end of the hall.

"Malachite! Zoisite! Report!" Beryl opened a live audio channel to Malachite's castle.

"Ohh. Ahhhh... YES! YES!" Beryl sweatdropped and closed the channel.

"God damn it. And Nephrite's getting ready to attack the Senshi. I'm going to have to bring Jadeite out of Eternal Sleep."

* * *

"It's two in the morning, and I still haven't found a cleaning service that speaks English, much less one that would agree to clean that travesty of architecture I call a house," griped Nephrite.

Just then, our hapless General came upon another cleaning shop.

"Looney Babushka Kleanink Zervise," Nephrite read aloud from the sign above the door. "Open 24 hours. Ve be zpeekink Eenglish. Well, that's a relief!" And he went in.

Manning, or shall I say womaning, the counter, was a fat Russian woman of middle age, garbed in a grimy-looking maid's outfit. "Ah well," thought Nephrite. "Beggars can't be choosers."

"Do you speak English?," he continued aloud.

"I be zpeekink Eenglish," said the woman.

"Good. Now, I have just bought a new house, and it is very dirty. I would like to hire you to clean it. Is that all right?"

The woman nodded mutely.

"All right. You can come by tomorrow at eight to start work. Ok?"

The woman nodded again.

"Fine. I'll see you then." Nephrite headed out.

Twenty minutes later, an elderly man wandered into the cleaning shop.

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"

"I be zpeekink Eenglish."

* * *

All of a sudden, Jadeite could move.

He collapsed on the floor in front of Beryl's feet, and automatically adopted a kneeling position. This was not so much due to humility as to a terrible cramp in his leg that had been building ever since he was put in Eternal Sleep in that ridiculous posture.

"JADEITE!"

"Yes, my queen?"

"I have an extremely important mission for you. That is why I have freed you from Eternal Sleep."

Jadeite's eyes lit up. "Yes, my queen?"

"I am sick of playing Centipede. You will go into the Earth Realm and purchase for me a more up-to-date video game or six."

Jadeite was, understandably, more than a little confused. "You want me..."

"To buy..."

"Video games."

"Yes. NOW GET MOVING!!!"

Jadeite spluttered for thirty seconds.

"JADEITE!! MOVE YOUR SORRY ASS OR I'LL KILL YOU THIS TIME!!!"

"Erg... umh... yes, my Queen."

Jadeite teleported away with a puzzled expression on his face.

* * *

The cleaning lady would come in the morning. Thus, Nephrite would have to find lodging for the night. He obviously couldn't stay in la casa del burro. And as Maxfield Stanton, he thought it only proper that he stay at the ritziest hotel in Tokyo. That would make his place of lodging the Hotela Expensiva.

Nephrite conjured himself into what was, in his eyes, his spiffiest clothing. His spiffiest clothing consisted of a Hawaiian shirt, plaid shorts, argyle knee socks, and white Reebok high-top pumps. This was, sadly, a general indication of Nephrite's sense of fashion. If it weren't for the Negaverse uniform he was obliged to wear, he would have dressed like this all the time. Once attired in this manner, Nephrite walked into the hotel.

The main lobby of the Hotela Expensiva was usually bustling with the in and out traffic of the richest people in Japan, late into the night. Even at two thirty in the morning, there should have been some activity. But there wasn't. This was due largely to the presence of the masked man in front of the check in counter wielding a semiautomatic weapon. Everyone else was cowering on the floor, except for one employee, who was piling jewels from the hotel strongbox into a bag that the masked man was carrying. It was to this scene that Nephrite made his entrance. The robber whipped around to face Nephrite, and trained his gun on the unlucky Negaverse general.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm..."

"And why are you dressed like... like... THAT?!?" The robber started to splutter. "Ppph.. phhaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" The robber fell down on the floor and convulsed with laughter.

Nephrite sweatdropped. "What? What's going on? What's so funny?" he asked, confused. At that point Tuxedo Mask decided to show up. A rose shot down from the top of a potted plant and embedded itself in the floor by the fallen would-be armed robber.

"Aha! Criminal scum! You have taken away the right of these rich snobs to... Hey! Why are you laughing? It's the outfit, isn't it? Stop that! I'm serious, dammit!" Then he noticed Nephrite. "Who the hell are you? Are _you_ why he's laughing?" Tuxedo Mask jumped down from his perch on the potted plant and strode up to Nephrite. Nephrite just kind of stammered. A sweatdrop the size of a bowling ball completely obscured his facial features.

"I... I'm Nephrite and I..."

"I don't really care who you are. You've completely ruined my entrance!"

"Um... well..."

Tux sighed. "Ever since we ran Jadeite over with a 747, I've had no reason to dress up like an idiot any more. So I've had to turn to fighting ordinary criminals. I've almost forgotten how to give corny monologues, and these humans don't seem half as frightened of my roses as those Negaverse people were."

Nephrite lit up. "Negaverse? Hey, I'M from the Negaverse!"

"Really? Great! But why don't you try to kill me?"

"I'm kind of setting up a secret identity. Once I get done with that, _then_ I'll be ready to threaten the world."

"Oh. All right. Cool." Tux walked over to where his rose was, and started pulling on it. He couldn't seem to get it out of the marble floor. "Hey, villain person. Could you give me a hand here?"

"Sure." Nephrite walked over to Tuxedo Mask, and they pulled on the rose together, until it finally popped out. The two ridiculously dressed people fell on their asses, and the rose went flying. Tux got up, dusted himself off, and collected his rose.

"All right. Seeya 'round!"

"Bye!"

As the robber continued to shake with peals of laughter, Tuxedo Mask exited the building by the front door. Nephrite walked up to the quivering hotel employee, the one that had been shoveling gems into the robber's sack. "Hi. I'm Maxfield Stanton. I'd like a room for the night."

* * *

Jadeite entered the video game shop. It was four in the morning, and the only person in the shop was a coffeed-up man behind the counter in a rumpled "X-Men" shirt. The man was twitching almost imperceptibly. Jadeite walked up to him.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for the latest in cutting-edge computer entertainment. Where do you keep that?"

The man raised a faintly quivering finger to point at the shelves surrounding the perimeter of the store, and then suddenly went face down on the counter. Jadeite shrugged, and walked over to the shelves. He spent several minutes looking over the laminated boxes, and then returned to the counter with an armful, including "Doors98," "Tomb3," Crush & Kill 2: Titanium Star," and "Final Nonfiction VII PC."

"I'd like to buy these." Jadeite held up the software in one hand and a wad of conjured money in the other. The man looked up at him, shivered, and then began to scream.

"HAAAA!!! PENGUINS!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!! GET 'EM OFF!! GET 'EM OFF!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!"

The man went face down on the counter again. Jadeite blinked several times, sweatdropped, turned on his heel, and left the store, video games in tow.

* * *

At roughly 11:00 AM, Nephrite was back outside la casa del burro, wearing some more sensible clothing. The hotel staff had made him change. "I wonder how the cleaning lady has gotten along," wondered Nephrite idly. Then he opened the door.

The cleaning lady descended on Nephrite's head with a broom, bellowing her terrifying war cry. "I BE ZPEEKINK EENGLISH!!!" bellowed the cleaning lady. "HAAAAAA!!!" screamed Nephrite.

Nephrite fell under the terrible onslaught of stiff broom bristles. "GHAA!! STOP IT!! HEY!!!! THAT HURT!! STOP IT!!" "I BE ZPEEKINK EENGLISH!!" retorted the cleaning lady. "Help! Get it off! Stop!" Nephrite was forced first to his knees, and then he just kind of lay down face first in the mud, while the cleaning lady beat him with her broom. After a good while of this, Nephrite gave up completely and lost consciousness.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, INCOMPATIBLE?!?"

Beryl retorted in her bitchiest voice, which is saying something given her normal tone. "I mean what I say, Jadeite! My crystal ball is a 286 with 2 megs of RAM! You should have read the system requirements before you bought these. Now, normally I would kill you."

Jadeite winced.

"But, as Nephrite has been missing for almost a day now, and the other two Generals are still... indisposed," here Beryl gave a visible shudder, "you will be charged with upgrading my crystal ball. I would just have you return the software, but the guy in that 'Tomb' game is just so hot..." Beryl started to drool, but her previous reference to Jadeite's death made him hold his tongue. "Now. Since the best crystal balls are the ones you build yourself, you will purchase for me these components." A list of computer parts floated over to Jadeite. He took one look at them and turned white.

"My Queen," he protested, "Some of these parts don't even exist! What the hell is a flux capacitor? And why do you need twelve of them?"

"ENOUGH!!" Beryl's shriek made masonry dust fall from the ceiling. Jadeite sweatdropped. Beryl stopped screaming.

"Jadeite," she asked, "what the hell is that thing on your forehead?"

"That thing...? Oh! That. That's a sweatdrop."

"Sweatdrop?!? It's the size of a small dog!"

"I know. Ludicrous, isn't it? It's used in Anime to indicate embarrassment or frustration."

"Then what's it doing here in the real world?"

Jadeite sweatdropped again. "Nothing, my Queen. It'll never happen again."

"See that it dosen't! Now, get on that assignment I gave you!"

"Yes, my Queen!"

* * *

Nephrite slowly regained consciousness. As the world came into focus, he sat up groggily and noted his surroundings. He was in an ill-lit alley behind a strip club. The neon signs in the distance told him he was somewhere in America. They were all in English, and were too tasteless to be British. After scouting around his alley, which contained only himself and a Dumpster, he turned his attention to himself. He then realized that he was completely nude.

"AAH! How'd I get here? And why don't I have any clothes on?" Nephrite exclaimed. He got up slowly and looked around again, just to make sure no one was watching him. Then he climbed into the Dumpster.

Half an hour of trash-filled searching later, Nephrite was on the street, clad in a discarded pair of sequined purple pants, stained with an unidentifiable reddish-brown substance. He had been unable to find a shirt. As he walked down the gaudily decorated, neon-lit road, something struck him as odd, but he was unable to put his finger on it. Then it hit him. He didn't strike anyone ELSE as odd. No one was paying him any attention. "Gotta be America," he mused. After a good bit of walking, he came upon a large, pyramid-shaped building. A neon sign nearby identified it as the "Luxor."

"Ah. I'm in Vegas. I'm in Vegas? What the hell am I doing in Vegas?!?" Nephrite sighed heavily. A multitude of odd things had happened to him in his 1000 years of existence in a pocket dimension, but this was by far the oddest. He decided to keep walking.

After walking for hours, and thereby passing from the Good Section of Vegas to the Medium Section to the Bad Section, and finally ending up in the Very Bad Section, Nephrite came upon a small hole-in-the-wall church. A powerless neon sign above the odd-smelling doorway read

24-HOUR CHURCH OF THE IMPALED GERBIL

in large block letters. A gerbil impaled on a stick had at one time been painted in green paint on the steel door, but it had been almost completely obscured by the grafitti. Now, one must understand that Nephrite was extremely tired. He had been walking for hours in an unfamiliar place, with nothing to his name but a pair of tasteless, rooster-blood stained (Nephrite had finally gotten up enough strenght to Divine the source of his pants' unusual spot) pants found in a Dumpster. Also he had not eaten in more than a day. So it was not completely unreasonable for Nephrite to crawl into this self same church on his hands and knees, and call out, "SANCTUARY!!!" Within seconds he found himself staring down the twin barrels of a twelve-gauge shotgun, held by a woman in a nun's habit. Nephrite immediately recognized her as the cleaning lady from the Looney Babushka.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?!?" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Who the bloody hell are you and why have you broken into my church?" asked the homicidal cleaning lady in perfect British English.

"You first."

"I'm Sister Florence, part time nun for the 24-Hour Church of the Impaled Gerbil, may He light the way for us all. NOW ANSWER MY QUESTION!!" 'Sister Florence' cocked the shotgun.

"All right! All right! My name is..."

Nephrite didn't get to finish. 'Sister Florence' took one look at the grafittied door, and screamed, "SACRELIGE!!! I BE ZPEEKINK EENGLISH!!!" Nephrite suddenly found a very large shotgun-induced hole in the wall directly to his left. He scrambled out the door, closely followed by the restored looney babushka. Nephrite skidded around the corner and into the building next door, while the cleaning lady reloaded. By the time she had gotten both shells into their proper places, Nephrite had emerged from the building driving a golf cart. He was immediately trailed by several cleaver-wielding zealots from the 24-Hour Church of the Golf Cart. Speeding down the road at speeds exceeding six miles per hour, Nephrite easily outdistanced the enraged fanatics. He kept driving north for several hours.

* * *

Jadeite sighed. He had travelled over Asia, into Europe, and crossed the Atlantic and Pacific twice each in his search for the impossible computer parts. He had finally located a 'flux capacitor' in a Star Trek Fan Shop in Melbourne, and was sure that Beryl wouldn't mind if it didn't do anything but beep. As to the other parts, most of them were available at Radio Shak or Wal*Mart, but he had purchased one of them for $60,000 in an auction in Vienna. One of them was incorporated into a security system at Graceland, and the only place the Z-629 18mm. 98mhz. US Navy Missile-Guidance chip was available for purchase was at a terrorist arms bazaar in Khazakistan. He had heard about the bazaar on the Internet, and that's where he was now, embroiled in a bitter bidding duel with Lishan-Al Gaib, the right-wing Palestinian Nazi, and General Balthazar, the South American revolutionary. The conversation went something like this:

Jadeite: Eighty thousand.

Balthazar: Ninety Thousand!

Al Gaib: Hispanic dog! With this chip, I will launch nuclear missiles at the United States and begin the Third Reich anew! One hundred thousand!

Balthazar: Oppressor! I will use the chip to launch nuclear missiles at the United States, and establish the great nation of Balthazaria as a nuclear power! Two hundred thousand!

Jadeite: The hell with this. (Kills Balthazar and Al Gaib) Just gimme the damn chip.

Auctioneer: A-all right... Whatevery you say, Mr. Jade.

Jadeite: That's Jadeite. And hurry up.

And so, having lost his patience and found the chip, Jadeite teleported to the Negaverse. He appeared in the throne room.

"My Queen," began Jadeite, "I have the parts you requested."

"Good! Now, Jadeite, I have another task for you. I want you to assemble this crystal ball and install Doors 98 on it."

If Jadeite were an American cartoon character, his jaw would have dropped until it hit the floor. As it was, though, he began producing sweatdrops in such quantity that they threatened to suffocate him completely. He tried hiding from them from Queen Beryl in his pockets.

"M... My Queen... Do you have any idea how difficult it is to assemble a computer from scratch, let alone install something created by the Evil Empire on it without destroying it completely?"

Beryl seemed confused. "Evil Empire? We don't manufacture Doors 98, do we?"

Jadeite sweatdropped again. He ran out of space in his pockets and hid this latest one in his left shoe. "I was speaking of Macrohard, My Queen."

"Oh. Well, in that case, yes, I know exactly how difficult it is. That's why you're going to do it for me. Understood?"

Jadeite sighed. "Yes, my Queen."

* * *

Nephrite had driven for what seemed like forever, until the golf cart ran out of gas. When that happened, he started to walk, and when he ran out of energy for walking, he began to crawl. Eventually, he came upon a chain-link fence blocking his way. He looked up at the fence, and saw a sign on it. The sign was too far away to read, so he hooked his fingers through the fence and dragged himself up it until his face was level with the sign. It read:

United States Top-Secret Air Base: Area 51

and then under that:

NO ADMITTANCE

Nephrite could hardly believe his eyes. "I crawled all the way out here... just to find out that I can't come in?!? God, I need a drink. Screw the sign." He mustered his strength for a teleport, but couldn't quite do it. So, he climbed further up the fence, and got tangled in the barbed wire at the top. "Ouch! Ooh! Yow! Eep!" he said as he struggled to unstick himself. Finally, he fell down the other side of the fence. Crawling forward painfully, Nephrite made a total progress over six feet over the same number of hours. By that time, it was night. Afforded a respite from the heat by nighttime, Nephrite rolled over on his back, and saw it.

"It" was a very, very large glowing circular object hovering silently over his head. A giant beam of light shot down from the ship and hit Nephrite. He started to scream at about the same time he started to hover.

* * *

"Let's see... if I install the BIOS before the Untel chip, then it might work, but only on alternate Thursdays. But, if I install the chip before the BIOS, then the whole thing will probably explode, and take the Negaverse with it. And then I'll have to find more Flux Capacitors." Jadeite sighed. He had been working on Beryl's new Crystal Ball for eighteen hours now, and it didn't seem to be anywhere near finished. The motherboard was in six distinct pieces, and half of the cables didn't plug into anything. "Well, let's just try putting the CD-ROM in first. Hmm... this plug doesn't seem to fit in the CD-ROM port on the HD... There we go. Got it to connect to the monitor. I hope that's not a problem. Now, the sound card. Well, what a coincidence! That plugs directly into the monitor, too! I must be doing something right."

* * *

Nephrite groaned, and looked around him. He was lying face-down on the rain-soaked ground of the woods near Malachite's Dark Kingdom castle. He had no idea how he got there. Or why his butt was so sore. All he knew was that the loony babushka was standing over him, with a machete in hand.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Nephrite. He jumped to his feet and bolted for Malachite's castle. He knew that They were probably engaging in certain unspecified activities within, but he needed shelter from the terror of the knife-wielding cleaning lady. So he ran inside, up the stairs, and into the bedroom.

"I told you. I'm being stalked." Nephrite finished panting and slid down against the door.

"Could you possibly do it someplace else," said Malachite. "I'm... busy. Come back later and I'll see if I can find time in my schedule to kill you."

"Sorry. This is the most well-protected room in the Negaverse. I need to stay."

"NO!!! NOOOOOO!!!" screamed Nephrite. Horrible visions flashed before his eyes. The leader of the little green men spoke. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Again. You see, we usually don't abduct someone twice in the same week, but you were just such a good experimental subject, we just couldn't resist. Get 'em, boys!" Two more little green men advanced on Nephrite holding wicked looking weapons. They had prodded him halfway into their ship when there was an earth-shattering explosion.

* * *

Jadeite had finished the crystal ball. He had tried to turn it on.

* * *

"Why hasn't the Negaverse attacked in so long, Luna?" Serena wondered. "I have no idea, Serena," Luna responded. "Go back to your studying."

back? // yes?