The One and only time I let Queen Beryl beat me at Battleship
(A.k.a. Wannabe)
(c)1998 T h r e a d s

"F3."

"Miss."

"C5."

"Hit."

"Damn! D1."

"Miss."

"C4."

"Miss."

"What? But I hit before!" A remotely annoyed red head woman snarled.

"Well excuse me, for all you know it could have been C3!" A blond man in a gray uniform replied, giving the red head a cold glare.

"C3." The red head said with confidence.

"Hit...wait that was my turn! Gimme one of yours!" The man replied trying to get at the red head's Battleship board.

"Jadeite!" She yelled. "It was a hit so stop trying to get at my board!"

"But Queen Beryl that wasn't a fair play!" Jadeite replied standing up.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"Yes- er, no...No! Now why would you say that?" He fumbled.

"Why you little-" Beryl began, completely enraged but stopped momentarily as Jadeite flashed one of his cheesy, yet suave smiles that got him out of most predicaments, but Beryl was to miffed to let him off. Her staff began to glow a bright Wal-Mart smiley face yellow as she blasted him to some bizarre alternate universe where battleship was played as a national sport.

"Does anyone else dare to challenge the great Queen Beryl?"

A few stiffled giggles could be heard from a crowd of youma that had formed during the recent events. Beryl, still pissed thew her battleship board at them followed by another blast from her staff. The remaining youma withdrew a few steps as the Queen reclaimed her throne.

"JADEI-...NEPHLYTE!" She yelled. "NEEEEPHLYYYTE!!"

A few seconds later a cringing man appeared, haunched over trying to avert his view of the Queen.

"Ye-ye-yyesss?" He managed to stammer without running away in terror.

"Nephlyte, as Jadeite is now gone and my battleship set is incomplete I require you to reposes one for my use." She stated firmly. Nephlyte, realizing that he wasn't going to get his butt kicked in regained his confidence and looked in somewhat her direction.

"Pardon?" Nephlyte answered, a little confused. Beryl, now getting mad (again) picked up the ex-generals battleship board and hurled it in his direction. Nephlyte narrowly missed it.

"You dare to question my orders?" She said coldly, her staff beginning to glow yellow.

"Uh, no. I'll take your mission in retrieving a new Monopo- Battleship game with the utmost care." Nephlyte defended, still confused.

"Very well, you may proceed."

'Whew, that was close.' He thought as he teleported out of her dingy hall.

**** Zoisite, having nothing better to do was polishing his boots. He had been surfing the Net earlier that day and had been startled to discover and irritating little poem in which one verse commented on how he has annoying boots and made the writer think of canned fruits.

"Del Monte my ass!" He snarled as he scrubbed extra hard to get some

nega-grit off one of the heels. Zoisite was in a rotten mood. On top of that rotten poem badmouthing his precious boots, he had learned that HE wasn't getting Nephlytes' Star Crystal anytime soon. 'Maybe if I rub him out I'll get it?' He thought momentarily. 'Nah, I'll just nag Beryl or something.' His thoughts were interrupted by Malachite's de-caped arrival.

"What's your problem?" Malachite commented as he sat down next to him. He, along with Zoisite was in a rotten mood. Their foul looks on their faces molded together to form some kind of bad looking bench that people should proceed to avoid with the utmost care.

"Well seeing how I'm in a far worse mood than you could ever be in-" Zoisite began but was interrupted by Malachite's snarling.

"You're in a worse mood! Excuse me, I don't think so!" Malachite boomed.

"Well then, what happened to you?" Zoisite asked politely.

"For your information, I had a little brawl with a few youma, they were mocking my cape." He sniffed. "Nobody mocks my cape!"

"Hmmm...it appears you lost, seeing how your 'Great Cape' isn't much of one anymore." Zoisite mentioned while looking at Malachite's torn, tattered and singed cape. He momentarily gave Zoisite a cold glare before breaking down and stroking what was left of it.

"Then again..." Zoisite trailed off. It didn't matter if Malachite had heard him or not, he was to busy talking to a butchered piece of fabric.

"Well" Zoisite said, starting up the conversation. "It turns out that I won't be getting Nephlyte's Star Crystal. He has to keep it; his precious crystal...black and shiny. The perfect hand held size..." He trailed off. Malachite looked up for a minute to see little black crystals in his eyes.

"You know it is Nephlyte's. It is the key idea of possession; NEPHLYTE'S Star Crystal." He stated. Malachite was getting pretty sick with that obsession of Zoisite's.

"Thank goodness I don't have some kind of bizarre time consuming obsession." He thought aloud, stroking his cape.

"Hmph." Is all that came from Zoiste. Unfolding his crossed arms he yanked on his boots.

"Now that you mention it, it's not that your cape is so great either. Its not even a turn on. I mean geeze capes are soooo 16th century." He said standing up. Malachite stood up and reattached his cape (well, what was left of it).

"What do you mean capes aren't cool! It's not like you have so much better taste than me. Loose the canned fruit look, it's soooo last season."

"How'd you know about that!?...I mean, er...you know why those youma beat you up, because they're (and like everyone else) afraid to be seen in public with you. Who in their right mind would hang around some moron in a cape?"

"Well I never!"

They continued on like this for about five minutes before Beryl interrupted them. (At which point they were arguing over who was getting take-out).

"MALACHITE!!, ZOISITE!!" Beryl screeched.

"Not again." Zoisite moaned.

**** Zoisite and Malachite teleported to Beryl's Grand Hall. Coincidentally Beryl was not around.

"You'd think someone with as much power as her would try to keep the sanitation status up on this thing." Zoisite commented as he brushed some dirt from his boots.

"Now that you mention it-" Malachite began but was cut off by Beryl's appearance. They bowed and awaited orders from their liege. Beryl gave them a quick look over before speaking.

"Malachite what has happened to your cape?! Has mutilated rags come back in style so soon?" The queen snidely remarked.

"Hmmm?"

"It seems to me your getting old Malachite. TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF!! You look like a hobo, not a general." Beryl boomed. "-or ex-general." She added. Taking a hint Malachite removed his cape. Zoisite attempted to muffle a giggle without success.

"And you Zoisite, marching around in those canned fruits for boots!"

"But, but...I..er-" He stammered.

"Well enough of that. I've sent Nephlyte to repossess a battleship board for me. He hasn't returned. Malachite I command you to locate him and instruct him to return to me at once with one."

"Yes, I...er- understand my Queen." Malachite replied then proceeded to vanish in a blue flame of some sorts.

"Now then Zoisite, it is my understanding that you wish to use Nephlyte's Star Crystal to find the 7 Rainbow crystals, yes?"

"It's also known as Dark Crystal, Black crystal, Zoisite's Crystal...it's sooo black. Small and perfect, the right hand held size...." Zoisite said dreamy eyed then trailed off.

"Ya, whatever. I will hand over its ownership to you on one condition, you must modify it to find a Battleship board for my use, the Rainbow Crystal's can wait."

"Anything for it-er, I mean anything you want, my Queen." Zoisite replied. "Oh yes, Regular or electronic?" He added.

"Does it matter? Oh I guess both. Also make sure you-" Beryl's speech was cut off by Malachite's appearance.

"Back so soon Malachite. Did you check every store?"

"Why yes m'queen. I checked Radio Shack, Mal-Mart, Cape o' Rama: The Cape People, Wal-Mart, The Colo$$al Coin, and Quick-E-Mart."

"Cape o' Rama huh?"

"The Cape People. Yes, you would be surprised what you can find in a cape store."

"Aside from you?" Zoisite chimed in.

"Lemme guess, everything but Battleship." Beryl replied rolling her eyes. "Yes well, anyway-"

"Anyways." Zoisite corrected.

"Anyway."

"ANYWAYS!"

"ANYWAY!"

"WAYS!!"

"WAY!!"

"IT'S WAYS!!! Malachite-snookums, you say it Anyways right?" Zoi-muffin asked with pleading eyes. Malachite looked at Beryl's puppy-dog face. A gargantuan sweat drop appeared on his head.

"Umm..."

"Yessss?" Both parties chimed in.

"Well, ahem..er-" He paused a moment. Either way he was going to get his ass kicked in- the question was: Who would be worse?

"Umm...er, I say it NEways." He replied in the smallest of voices. Both Zoisite and Beryl fell to the ground with their feet sticking up.

**** Out of the swirling purple sky fell a figure. A remotely annoyed figure. He fell to the ground, well, actually into a pond like thing. A few strangely dressed people looked at him before continuing their task. As he crawled from the pond he could hear the chanting of letters and numbers....D1....miss....J2.....hit....A8.....

"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!" Screamed Jadeite, tears of pain welling up in his eyes. All around him, the people looked up from their task and gave him a foul stare.

"Shush! Some people are trying to work!" Spat a woman dressed like a chess piece. She got up and walked over to the pond followed by many more people in strange game piece clothing.

"Maybe he's the chosen one Lord Battleship has been speaking of!" Spoke a man mysteriously dressed as a naval captain.

"No, he's definitely an angel from Battleship heaven!" Spoke a pudgy, bald, aging man in a cheap tuxedo with a top hat, cane and monocle. "Look at how he's dressed, and did he not fall from the sky?"

Who are you anyway?" A woman dressed like a clock finally asked.

"Jadeite." He spoke bitterly.

"He's a battleship section!" The crowed cried with joy.

"Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"

"J8, we have been expecting you. We need you to complete our human Battleship board! You're the last piece required to blast our neighbours; The Electronic Battleship Society to Battleship Hell!" Joyously spoke a man dressed like a Battleship. Jadeite (or J8) began to sob uncontrollably before yelling up at the sky.

"Damn you Beryl! Why couldn't you loose like everyone else!"

"He's become unrulely and disrespectful, we must restrain him!" Shrieked an anomyous voice from the crowd. Seconds later Jadeite felt a whole lot better, being out cold and all.

Jadeite awoke screaming, he'd been doing that a lot lately. His cries of pain echoed above the moans from the others who were strapped to the super-massive war machine.

"You really have to stop doing that!" Spoke the man next to him.

"Huh?"

"I said will you quit passing out and waking up screaming, it's very annoying and I do want to keep my hearing."

"What? Hey listen...er-..." Jadeite snarled looking for his board number.

"J7." He answerd.

"Ya, Whatever. Listen here J7, I didn't want to take any garbage from Queen beryl and I'm certainly not going to take any sh-"

"Queen Beryl, eh?" J7 cut in.

"What about her?"

"My real name is Lyonite, recognize it?" He confided.

"No. How does J7 fit into Lyonite?"

"I don't know, they needed a filler I guess. The guy I used to be next to was named Zebrankey and he was F5!" Lyonite mumbled, attempting to brush hair from his face. Jadeite narrowed his eyes at him.

"Hey, you stole my hairdo....and my uniform, and...and..." Jadeite inquired.

"Ne?"

"Why are you copying me?" He finally whined. And Lyonite was (in a sense). They both had the same hairdo; except Lyonite's hair was black and a little shorter, the same uniform; except he had orange trim on it, and he wore black pants and white boots. But, to top it all off they were about the same height.

"I am not copying you! If you can put two and two together you might figure out that I was once under Beryl's orders until she screwed me over on a Battleship game!" He yelled.

"Oh. You to?"

"Ne? Oh, shut up Jadeite! We have to figure a way off this thing before it's too late!" He commanded in a low voice.

"What are they going to do to us?" Jadeite whispered.

"All we are is a giant human-"

"Actually, somewhat human" Jadeite interrupted, motioning to a really ugly youma next to him.

"Ya. All we are is a giant somewhat human sacrifice strapped to a lot of explosives and sharp things that is going to be set out to sea." He half whispered bitterly.

"Whatever happened to the giant battleship board?" Jadeite asked, a bit confused.

"We're on it." Lyonite whispered in the lowest of voices. That was the last word uttered on the machine before thousands of moans were drowned out once again by the cries Jadeite.

**** "AhahahaHAHAHAhaha!"

"Will you shut up!"

"AhahahaHAHAHAhaha! Why should I? The crystal is mine! I can rule the world!" Zoisite laughed maniacally.

"First of all you need the Star Crystal to find the Ginzuisho- er Imperium Silver Crystal. Second of all Beryl ordered you to alter the crystal so it homes in on Battleship board games, not the crystal." Malachite lectured. Zoisite made a face. "Besides, when did you develop that God awful laugh?"

"I don't have to listen to Queen Beryl. AND I can laugh however I want!"

"Gimme that!" Malachite snarled, snatching the Star Crystal from Zoisite's grasp.

"Hmph."

In a non-descriptive way Malachite altered Zoisites' Crystal to home in on battleship boards. He tossed it back to Zoisite, the frown on his face disappearing. 'Little does he know, the crystal will really find the most amassed amount of capes in the history of the Negaverse...' Malachite thought chuckling to himself.

"Are you coming snookums?"

"Ne?" Shaking off his daydream he teleported away with Zoisite to downtown Tokyo.

****Rei's crows circled in the sky threateningly, as the Scouts began their meeting within the safety of the temple.

"Why do your icky birds have to circle in the sky like that?" Serena whined.

"Will you shut up! We're trying to start a meeting!" Rei snarled back. "And they're not icky!"

"Guys will you pipe down! Ami has some new on the Dar- Negaverse." Luna cut in.

"Ya, can it! I wanna kick some nega-ass!" Lita added. Everyone looked to ami.

"I...er..Luna..." Ami trailed. She them proceeded to take her supercomuter from her calculator holster and begin to type away. "It says here that there has recently been a large warp in the energy field. If I divide it's mass by the weight of 1/3 of the Ionian moon I can figure out where it centered."

"Ne?" Everyone looked confused and a giant sweat drop appeared on Ami.

"This warp has occurred in- er..." She trailed off. "...that can't be...I must have forgotten to carry the two...maybe it was 2/3 the weight of Alpha Centauri..." She continued to herself.

"Well, where it is anyways?" Mina asked.

"Anyway." Artemis corrected.

"Anyways!"

"Anyway!"

"WAYS!!"

"WAY!!" Artemis shrieked. Then to began to brawl, while the others tried to look busy, Ami typing extra hard at her computer.

"GOT IT!" Ami screamed, startling everyone to attention. (Serena was on her third bucket of ice cream, Rei was reading manga, Artemis and Mina were still brawling, Luna was sleeping and Lita was beating up Chad).

"At first my computer read that it had occurred in some Battleship world but by dividing by the weight of...oh forget it, the warp seemed to have happened in Downtown Tokyo, right in front of a store called: 'Cape o' Rama: The Cape People'.

"Hey, I go there all the time." A mysterious voice piped in. Everyone turned to the open window to look at a slightly mauled and scratched Darian.

"Hey, can I join your meeting? The birds out here are scaring me." He spoke in between dives away from the black birds.

"Uhhh...it's girly stuff, you wouldn't like it." Lita replied.

"Awww, come on, I know you guys are the scouts." He added. Darian then proceeded to pass roses around the group. He even gave one to Chad (who was out cold on the floor).

"Oh fine, come in." Rei said all dreamy eyed. Darian crawled through the window to safety, before one of the birds made another dive at him.

"So what are we talking about? Sailor business?" He asked, sitting down cross-legged on the floor.

"Ya, there was a huge energy warp in front of some cape store." Answered Mina, retying her hair.

"So lets book it! No point in letting nega-sleaze trash Tokyo!" Lita declared, standing up.

"No point in being hasty guys," Ami cut in, "We don't even know what we're up against."

"I agree with Ami, I'm not even done my ice-cream yet!" Serena piped in between spoon fulls.

"Shut up guys, I say we go, there's nothing better to do! Mars Power!"

"Jupiter Power!"

"Tuxedo Mask Power!" Etc. etc.

"To the cape store!" Sailor Venus yelled, pointing a finger in its direction.

"But guys, I'm not even done yet!" Serena whined. Everyone shot her a look. "Uhh... I'll finish later. Moon Prism Power!"

"Um, Sailor Mars, I don't mean to be rude but what about your crows?" Tuxedo Mask inquired.

"Er... Mercury, you're smart, think of something."

"Its not very mathematical...run like hell and catch the bus, it should be here any second." She replied, looking out the window to spy on the birds.

"Okay guys, on the count of three," Sailor Moon said, wiping the chocolate from her face. "...1, 2-...hey! Where'd you guys go?" She wailed, looking around to see the room empty. She looked out the window to see her friends making a mad dash for the bus while Tuxedo Mask threw roses at the birds.

"Wait up!" She yelled, sprinting to the bus. Barely clearing the doors, she made it on and sat down between Jupiter and some old guy giving her a funny look.

"Um guys, aren't we forgetting somebody?" Venus asked, looking through the window at a mauled Cape Boy running frantically after the bus while throwing roses and canes at two birds hot on his trail.

****The Star Crystal glowed strangely in Zoisite's hand as he and Malachite stood in front of Cape o' Rama.

"My arse you modified this crystal to find a battleship board game!" Zoisite spat, looking at the glowing crystal in his hand.

"Well maybe they got a shipment in just now in Cape o' Rama." Malachite suggested.

"Oh shut up! We're just going to have to wander around and look for a Toys R Us."

"Fine! Which way? Left or Right?" Malachite asked bitterly.

"Right. The crystal glows less in that direction."

"Hmph!"

The two walked down the street trying to look less conspicuous than they already were. A couple of people threw spare change at Malachite, while a few army officials gave them a salute.

"I really think we need to find less obvious clothing if we're ever going to find a stupid board game." Malachite grumbled between swearing at people giving him weird/snooty looks.

"Do we have any money? Hmm...let me check. NO!" Zoisite snidely remarked.

"We could sell the crystal, it's of no use to us." Malachite suggested.

"What!" He screamed (Malachite obviously said something wrong). "What ever happened to just blasting people?"

"I could go for that." Malachite agreed. The two stopped at a small cart next to a bus stop selling crappy tourist accessories and post cards. The two went through the whole cart before finding something they liked.

"Hey check it out," Zoisite said excitedly. "I'm some reject American star!" He had a pair of tortoise shell 'movie star' glasses on with a bandana tied around his head, and was smoking one of those French cigarettes.

"No, no check out my disguise!" Malachite said, pulling his glasses down to the end of his nose. He had pair of dark sun glasses on with one of those detective hats on. He had that cliché look.

"Freeze Nega-sleaze!" Cried someone from behind them. The two turned around to see a girl in a green sailor suit and a bunch of other sailor suited pretty soldiers getting off of the bus, when they did; they screamed at the sight of the generals.

"What the hell--" Sailor Moon stammered.

"I don't think it's working." Zoisite mumbled, ripping the glasses and bandana from his face (he kept the cigarette). Suddenly a strange moon backdrop came down with Sailor Moon in front.

"Innocent poor people trying to make a living shouldn't be blasted by the like of you! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

"Not again" Malachite moaned, rolling his eyes.

"Jupiter Thunderbolts Crash!" The green one yelled, sending it at Zoisite.

"Eeeeek!" Zoisite screamed, "Malachite-snookums, do something!"

"Alright, just get off my back!" He yelled. Zoisite loosened his grip from Malachite's back and hid behind a fire hydrant. Out of the strange mystery of the now deserted Tokyo street came a voice (and a non-existent breeze).

"Like a homicidal nut house patient that stalks people, I am Tuxedo Mask!" Suddenly a strange figure scratched up really bad dressed in a cheap 'rent a tux' tuxedo appeared atop of a street light and began throwing roses, his top hat barely staying on.

"AhahaHAHAhaha! Stupid move Cape Boy, your dead!" Zoisite laughed, standing up and taking a battle stance throwing away his cigarette.

"Hey! What about me?" Came another voice from the street.

"Like a giant ardvark being shot by a British hunter, I am Tuxedo Kamen! Friend of the Sailor Senshi." The exact double of Tuxedo mask number one appeared quite suddenly on top of the very cart the two generals were stealing from.

"Great," Zoisite said, "Now I have two Cape Boys to kill...all the more fun for me!" He stuck his hand out and sent a blast of cherry blossoms at Tuxedo Kamen. Then he caused a cherry tree grow up from under Tuxedo Mask.

"AhahaHAHAHAhaha!" He laughed.

"Will you quit doing that!" Malachite yelled between blasting the scouts. While the whole lot of them attempted to kill each other Rei's crows came from nowhere and began taking dives at everyone.

"Ack! Malachite Help!" Zoisite screamed, throwing assorted objects at the 2 black birds. Malachite ran up to him and blasted an energy ball at the two birds, freezing them.

"Zoisite you know I care for you," He began, grabbing Zoisite's shoulders, "But there comes a time when it's every man for himself!" With that, Malachite sprinted down the street back the way he came. Zoisite did the same, teleporting away in a fury of cherry blossoms.

****Queen Beryl sat in her hall with a foul look on her face, while watching her minions play Monopoly or make a grand attempt to make a battleship game.

"MALACHITE!! ZOISITE!!" Queen Beryl screamed. There was no answer. "NEPHLYTE!!" She screamed again. There was still no answer. She was getting pissed.

"Where is everyone?" She snarled. 'Nephlyte is gone, Malachite is gone, even Zoisite is gone! There is only one more person she could count on.' She thought. Laughing maniacally she stood and started to accumulate a large amount of energy.

****Jadeite watched the large amount of game piece people cheer as the giant war machine set sail to Electronic Battleship world. He looked around himself and gave a crazy scream, but this time it was drowned out by the yelling of the crowd and the various Negaverse minions strapped to the board.

"Tee-hee hee... we're going to die!" Jadeite giggled maniacally.

"Will you shut up!" Lyonite yelled.

"Why should I? Not like it matters, we're all going to be dead in an hour or so!"

"I would like to die with my hearing intact!"

"WHY??!!!" Jadeite yelled in his ear.

"If we actually somehow get out of this I swear I'm going to kill you!" Lyonite threatened, his silver eyes glowing.

"Tee-hee hee..." Jadeite giggled again. Lyonite struggled and thrashed about with all his might but couldn't seem to break the bonds that held him.

"AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! You Maniacs! Let me go!" Lyonite pleaded, "I don't care what you do to me as long as I don't die next to J8!"

"I resent that!"

"Oh hell, I give up! You win Beryl, I snapped before you did!" Lyonite yelled up at the sky. With the two of them staring up at it something strange happened, something unusual happened, a giant hand appeared out of the sky and grabbed Jadeite up leaving Lyonite cussing like a sailor.

****Nephlyte meandered down the street looking about himself with pleasure. 'It's such a nice day; the suns shining, the flowers are out, it smell nice despite the smog, puny mortals go about their tasks happily, what more could a general want?' He wondered smiling at a few pedestrians who returned the courtesy with a dirty look. 'I wonder what Molly is doing?" He thought as he passed by OSA P Jewelry store. Noticing a phone booth he ducked in, shoving a man aside and changed into Maxfield Stanton. He stepped out and called forth his red ferarri and parked it obscurely in a parking space, knocking over a parking meter. Jamming his hands in his pockets he waltzed into the store trying to look expensive and looked around. There were a number of old ladies buying expensive diamonds and gaudy jewelry, while a kleptomaniac stole a phone, some brochures, and other assorted items. 'Maybe they sell battleship here.' Nephlyte briefly thought before being interrupted by a sales person.

"Like may I help you?" She squealed.

"Ne?"

"May I help you?"

"Oh yes," He cleared his throat. "I am Maxfield Stanton."

"Who?" She asked. "I'm Tiffany!"

"You know Maxfield Stanton, the millionaire."

"Girl Power!" She screamed in his face.

"Do you-" He began.

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Making loves' forever, the friendship never ends!"

"Um...SERVICE!" He yelled, ringing the bell like a two year old.

"Hello, I'm Laura. May I help you?" She screamed.

"It could be worse..." He mumbled.

"Pardonnez Moi?

"Er...could you get rid of that!" He snobbed, pointing at Tiffany.

"Oh her. One moment please." She politely said before directing her attention at Tiffany. "Tiffany, calm down. The people in the white jackets are your friends and their coming to get you and take you to a better place!" Laura sang, trying to restrain her.

"Stop right there, thank you very much! I need somebody with a human touch!" Tiffany screamed. Two men dressed in white jackets burst through the doors, grabbed her and dragged her out of the store while she sang 'Say you'll be there'.

"Um...sorry about that." She apologized, looking down at her feet and rubbing her neck.

"Anyway, do you have any battleship games for sale?" He asked cordially.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She comforted, leaning over the counter and grabbing his shoulders. "But it's all I have to give! With out you I don't think I can live!" She sang loudly. Nephlyte broke free and began ringing the bell like a mad man. Giving up he threw it at Laura knocking her out cold.

"MOLLY!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "MOOOLLLYYY!"

"Yesss?" She hissed, popping up from behind the counter.

"Eeek!" He screamed. "Hello Molly, maybe you can help me?" He asked.

"Oh, anything for you Maxfield!" She cried, running from around the counter and hugging him around the waist.

"Er...do you sell battleship here?" He asked looking around.

"No, but I can find one for you!" She replied, looking up at him all dreamy eyed.

"Oh, that's okay, I guess, I'm sure Beryl sent out Malachite or that psycho Zoisite. Let's do something fun!"

"Sure. How about going for a chocolate parfait?"

He cocked his head strangely at her. "Sure, I can always start my diet tomorrow." And so the two left the store hand in hand marching towards the nearest ice-cream store while the employee's at OSA P argued over the greatest group of the 90's: The Spice Girls or the Backstreet Boys.

****Zoisite floated through the air looking down at the word with disgust. A few North American tourists pointed up at him and took pictures. One person even called him a 'U.F.O' and started running around saying that the truth is out there. He laughed that crazy laugh that he did and floated to the ground, scaring away the pigeons that a bag lady was feeding.

"Foolish mortals!" He laughed. "If only you knew what evil forces were truly at hand!" He laughed again, throwing away the 'Punky Brewster' poster he had been looking at. He held out the crystal in his hand and watched it glow. 'Hmm...it's glowing more to the left, Malachite must be over there.' He thought. Zoisite began walking, looking into the windows of the stores. He stopped. There it was, right there. It had been eluding him for so long but now he could claim it. He could be master of the universe. He ran up to the window and pressed his hands and face against it, his eyes becoming dreamy. Wiping the drool from his face he ran into Dollar Mart to claim the box of 99 cent black crystals. He shoved past numerous families, homeless people and slightly obeast children eating ice-cream to get at the box displayed in the window. Snatching it up he ran to the cash eagerly, shoving more people aside. He slammed the box down on the counter expecting the cashier to ring it up.

"You want all of that crap?" The middle aged woman asked, puffing at her cigarette.

"Uhh... ya." Zoisite acknowledged, in a 'Valley Girl' tone. The woman sighed looking into the box, and scratched her head.

"There are an awful lot in here, it'll take a while to count."

"Oh come on you can count the crystals, the nice black crystals...perfect hand held size..."

"One, two, three, uhh....five- no four..."

"Fits perfectly in your palm...it's shine powering thousands of solar panels..."

"Five, six, seven..."

"Hey yo! Could you like hurry it up! I have better things to do!" A man growled from behind Zoisite. The man tapped Zoisite on the shoulder, yelling at him again.

"Oh hell!" Zoisite yelled. "You people are sooooo rude! Here's 30 bucks!" He snarled, slamming some loose change and paper money on the counter. He grabbed the box and started to march out of the store.

"Hey Girlie Boy!" The cashier called. "This money only will only work in Mexico! Get back here!"

Sighing, Zoisite walked back and slammed more money onto the counter and walked back towards the door, this time leaving before the woman could yell at him.

"Lovely," She grumbled. "Canadian money, even worse."

****Kunzite stood in a small pool of clear liquid. Well actually, it was his drool. Cape o' Rama rose before him, its 25 foot neon letters blinking in the sunny, Tokyo street. Wiping the drool from his face he entered to store and began to cry with joy. Never in all his life had he had the privledge to be in the presence of so many flowing accessories.

"OH-MY-GOD!" A sales person cried running up the Malachite. He comforted him for a moment before examining his mutilated remnants of a cape.

"How do you live like this?" The man asked again, looking up at Malachite.

"C-ca-can you help me?" Malachite asked, a glimmer of hope appearing in his eyes.

"My name is Deeanté. I'm supposed to be going on a break now, but your case is just too important and tragic to let by!" He examined his cape again. "Now how did this happen to such a high quality cape?"

"I had a little brawl."

"You should never brawl while in cape mode."

"But I was brawling to uphold the sanctity and pride of my capes' superiority!"

"Oh...Well you can't go parading around in this torn and drab accessory." Deeanté ordered. He then yanked off Malachite's cape and tossed it to his silent assistant before Malachite could protest.

"Now let's look at the most expensive capes in the store. For you I'll give 50% off!" He led Malachite to a large rack with shiny, smooth, loud and plain capes alike.

"You pick a few. Take awhile, enjoy the atmosphere!" Deeanté cried before he sat down on an expensive upholstered chair and crossed his spandex covered legs. Malachite looked dreamy eyed at all the beautiful capes. There were so many to choose from...but then his eyes fell on the cape of his dreams. Grinning evilly he attached it to his uniform and blasted Deeanté before he could protest to that fact that Malachite didn't pay. He laughed maniacally. 'This is too easy,' He thought. 'All I need is a stupid board game and my life will be perfect!'

****Jadeite hit the ground of Beryl's hall hard, getting a number of battleship pegs and boats embedded in his face.

"OW! Dang that hurt!" He yelled rubbing his elbow.

"JADEITE! JADEITTTEEE!!" The Queen screamed (Who was right in front of him). He screamed.

"Will you get down!" The queen yelled again, looking up at a frightened ex-general clinging to a stony ceiling. Realizing that facing Beryl wasn't nearly as bad as dying on a giant battleship next to Lyonite, Jadeite let go and floated gracefully down, a few game pieces falling off of his face. The queen eyeballed him intently.

"What the hell happened to your face?" She asked. Jadeite snarled and wiped the game pieces from his face. A youma belonging to the cleaning staff tried to stifle a giggle with no avail. Snarling again, Jadeite threw the pieces at the youma, sending it rolling with laughter on the floor. Giving up, Jadeite reverted his attention back to Queen Beryl.

"What do you wish of me, my queen?" He chirped.

"Jadeite!" She yelled yet again. "Since all my other generals are preoccupied with impending matters of great importance, I require you to..."

"Hee hee!" The youma giggled. "Man are you in for it Jeddy!"

"Will you shut up!" The Queen roared.

"Anyways...er...Anyway, what is it that you wish of me?" Jadeite asked.

"I require you to-"

"Hee hee!" The youma laughed again. Twisting her face into something incredibly hideous, Queen Beryl sent it at the youma, who promptly dug a hole in the middle of her throne room and died in it.

"Well that out of the way, Jadeite, I need you to reacquire a new Battleship game for me!" The Queen ordered. Jadeite gave a flat look. "NOW!" She added. Holding his tongue, Jadeite spun around on his heels and stormed out of the hall, but fell short, by stepping in the hole the youma had dug.

"Hey, I'm dying here!" It yelled. Unable to bottle it up any longer, Jadeite let out the most blood curdling scream ever humanly possible, sending youma and floor tiles alike running for cover.

****Jadeite laughed maniacally. Queen Beryl would never have to order him around on such a stupid task again. Before him rose a giant horseshoe magnet with hundreds of thousands of battleship games flying at it. He laughed again. Soon there would be no more in the world and Beryl would have to settle for Yahtzee or Pictionary. He briefly wondered if he could open a gateway to Battleship world and suck it dry with the magnet. Smiling evilly, he turned the magnet off and caused it to collapse in on itself and turn into nothingness. Little did he know that he had fallen short of one owned by a little boy named Timmy.

**** "Jadeite! Nephlyte! Zoisite! Malachite!" The queen screeched. No answer. She yelled again, this time at such a high decibel to cause part of her hall to fall off. Snarling she stood, clutching her staff. 'If you have to do something right, you have to do it yourself!' She snarled in her mind as she teleported away to a location where she was sure a game would be.

****Queen Beryl arrived in a small suburban hamlet type place somewhere in Japan. She looked around and found it odd that the only person that was around was a little boy sitting in a marble pit. Sighing, Beryl marched over to him and demanded his name.

"Timmy." He said childishly.

"Where can I find a game by the name of Battleship!" She demanded.

"I have the only one in the world!" He answered with pride.

"Then give it to me!" She screamed.

"No. We have to play marbles for it!"

"What?"

"Marbles. But you have to have something I can win!"

"Listen kid, I don't have time for stupid games!" She snarled, looking down at his muddy pants, stained shirt and food covered face.

"Those are the rules. You wanna play?" He asked, wiping his chubby arm across his mouth. Hanging her head in shame, she nodded and knelt down next to him.

"You should know I have nothing to bet." She admitted.

"Well, you look really rich, like you own a kingdom or something..." He mentioned.

"Almost crying, Beryl produced a deed giving ownership of the Negaverse to whoever won the game. Timmy pulled out the Battleship board and put it next to the deed. Beryl eyed the game. It looked pretty worn out, some of the pieces were missing and it looked partially chocolate coated. Grumbling, she snatched up some marbles and began playing. Timmy hit his marble first. The two watched it roll but stopped inches away from the hole. The queen laughed maniacally. She hit her marble a little harder. It rolled easily, into the hole but rolled right out and down the street until it fell down the sewer. Grinning, Timmy hit his marble again and this time went into the pot. Queen Beryl began to sob uncontrollably.

****Queen Beryl's former hall ringed with laughter and delight as hundreds of little kids ran around laughing and playing stupid childish games that only children would play. Newly repainted and refinished the hall screamed of neon pink and blue. I had a lower ceiling with baby mobiles hanging from it while the floors old, dark and dirty tiles were replaced with Power Ranger ones. King Timmy slept lazily in the oversized throne, as Chief of Cleaning Staff Beryl scrubbed extra hard at the Zordon tile in front of her. Jadeite stood on a ladder trying to hook up a sound system, while Nephlyte attempted to entertain the children with cheesy magic tricks while being dressed in Tuxedo Nephlyte mode. Zoisite tried to calm down the hyper active children between trying to dust the Play Skool toys with a feather duster and frilly 'French maid' apron. Malachite snarled and blasted the kid he was giving a piggyback ride for pulling his hair.

"This sucks!" Zoisite finally piped in, throwing a feather duster at a sticky kid grabbing at his leg.

"Oh, you think you got it bad!" Beryl spat, dumping extra cleaning fluid on the Blue Ranger.

""I really hate kids!" Malachite declared, blasting a few more kids for poking at his new sequin decked, Elvis style cape. It had the high collar and all.

"Well, it could be worse..." Nephlyte piped in.

"Oh?" They all chimed.

"We could all be wannabe generals." He spoke quietly, motioning to the new 'wannabe' king.

"Got it!" Jadeite yelled from the top of his ladder. The former generals and queen turned to Jadeite.

"I don't hear anything but static!" Malachite grumbled. Jadeite frowned and fumbled with the radio knob before finding a station.

"...Hello, thank you for tuning into Energy 1200, the most energetic station of all! For those who have just tuned in, and our loyal listeners welcome back to the Top 1000 Evil songs of the Millennium! I am you DJ Musicite, for those of you who aren't familiar with me. That was just song number two you just heard, and now, the moment you have been waiting for, the number one evil song of all time!" A commercial cut in for a moment advertising some stupid live action show about Beryl loosing the marble game. Everyone quieted and listened and the DJ returned, did his little banter thing before the song began.

"YO! I'll tell you what it want, what I really want!"

"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want?" And so on. As the song progressed four distinct screams could be heard echoing through the neon pink hall.

The End...finally...

End Note: Alrighty ... I have no idea where this came from, so don't flame me about it! :) All I'm going to say is that it literally went to hell in a hand basket once Mal and Zoi got downtown. Once again many, many apologies to anything I ripped or insulted! (i.e: Naoko Takeuchi (hah, I got the name!), Spice Girls, reference to other fic's etc. etc.). I hope you enjoyed this fic, maybe I'll even write a sequel (seeing how this fic is already messed up enough for a sequel not to kill it :). Maybe it'll be about Jadeite's insanity, Lyonite escaping Battleship world, Beryl getting back the throne etc. (...there's a world of cheesy possibilities out there...). Again, please let me know what you think of it: is it stupid, is it funny, should I do the evil sequel thing etc. Here's my address: ghost_inthe_threads@hotmail.com

Well, Ja ne! T h r e a d s

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