Now Playing: Violence Fetish by Disturbed
First off, my sister is doing very well. She had to have her pregnancy terminated last Monday, and is so far adjusting to everything as far as I can tell. However, when she's around other people, my mother reports that she won't look anyone in the face or eye. I know my mother though. She makes things out to be more than they are, so I called my sister and confronted her about it. My sister wants to be left alone, it seems. She just won't tell anyone to piss off and get the hell outta her house. It's unfortunate that I'm not there. I have no problem doing that.
God, I'm in such a pissy mood! Gah!
I just got off the phone with one of my cousins, and I'm just so irrirtated because... I miss him!
I have four first cousins, and when we were kids, them, my siblings and I all hung out together damn near daily. When my parents got divorced I was 14, and my mother moved us with her to Texas, where we lived for 12 years without speaking to them. (Except for my oldest cousin. We were always the closest, and he and I managed to keep in touch in spite.) In July of 2006 my sister and I came up to Chicago on a whim to just see everybody, and that reopened a door I hadn't realize hadn't been all the way closed. I didn't know my cousins missed me the way I missed them, or thought about me as much as I thought about them.
But the problem was was that we were now all strangers to each other, and that HURTS. We're all adults and have our own lives, so I understand that there will be some distance between us. That's just life. But this feels like we're starting over, or meeting for the first time. It also kills me because over the years I've had an image in my mind of how they were and what they're like, and it pains me that my image was so far from the truth.
Back to what prompted this... I just got off the phone with my cousin, and I'm upset because conversation between us is always strained. It's like we want to get to know each other, we want that connection back, but there's something in our way that I can't see! We're so uncomfortable around each other, and it bugs the living hell outta me. My other cousins and I can yap all day, or just sit in silence and be okay. He and I aren't like that for some reason, and it frustrates me (as if you couldn't tell).
I don't handle emotions well. I don't like drama or negative excitement. I don't have the patience or tolerance for it. I am quick to anger and even quicker to violence. Frustration is just as bad for me. I want that relationship with my cousin, I really do. But if it means that this is what it would be like for us, then I'd rather not try anymore. I will always love him. As long as he understands that, I'll be happy.