Now Playing: The Clincher by Chevelle
Well, life is certainly a bitch. I tried to put this up last week but I couldn't. I was too devastated.
We found out last Tuesday that there was a problem with the fetus. She (we're pretty sure the fetus is a girl) has what is called acrania, meaning there is no skull. The baby has a face, but from the eyebrows upward there's nothing. This condition is fatal, and the pregnancy will have to be terminated. Not doing so will risk my sister into either having a miscarriage, or outright killing her from an infection, likely septicemia.
I can not imagine how my sister feels. I remember hearing how when people hear bad news, it would feel like they were socked in the stomach or something like that. I remember being in my apartment, grabbing at my chest because I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was slowly suffocating, and anything that I did would only delay the inevitable. Looking back though, I probably WAS suffocating. I was so devastated I wanted to die, and was quite willing to. I even had the sick thought that I could save the baby by dying. I almost wish that was the case. If my death would've given my niece life, I would've dropped dead that instant.
I just couldn't believe this was happening. I still feel that way sometimes. But my sister... this is their first child, and for something this horrible to have happened, I'm afraid that they may be unwilling to try again. I'm also afraid for everyone else. We were all so hurt by the news, I don't think anyone's heart can take it if something else happens to the next baby.
I just wish I could help! I've never felt so helpless in my life. Whenever my sister had a problem, I'd either give her the money or beat the shit outta the person giving her the problem. There was nothing or no one to fight this time. I'm a medical person. I understand that things like this happen. But now I get it. When it's one of your own, you take it like a personal failure. I kept thinking 'if I had been there,' or 'if I had prayed harder or had gone to church' and yadda yadda yadda. But the truth is, this would've still happened. It's just one of those things.
Well, I'ma go eat something. I is hungry. Oh! I finished my contract for Denver on Feb. 23rd, and now I'm just hanging out in Chicago, visiting my dad until I get another job. God, I SO don't want to be bothered with this shit.